Nanci Kuykendall

Well, we sat down and had a long talk with Nicole on
the same night when I first posted here about the
problems we were having with her. It was a very
emotional but overall productive discussion, which
went on long into the night.

I do think depression played a part, and I also think
some inability on her part to see how she was
affecting those around her played a part. There were
also some misinterpretations on our part of her
behaviors, where her motivations and thoughts/feelings
were not as selfish or negative as her actions
appeared in some things, but her total lack of
communication left us in the dark about what was
really going on with her.

Throughout the discussion there were many tears from
her and she expressed a great deal of remorse and
anger with herself for having caused us pain, stress,
and unhappiness. During different points where we
asked her to visualize/role play herself in our
position, with a friend, relative, roomate or
whatever, and how she would handle things, as well as
asking what she needed herself, she repeatedly
expressed a desire to be pushed, encouraged, prodded,
directed or how she would do the same in our position.
She asked for more specific instructions and requests
on how/when/what to do to help out, more prodding and
pushing to get her driving and working, more help and
encouragement to get more independent. She needs more
structure. So we're working with her to that effect.

We asked her also to work on being more communicative
and forthcoming, sharing her thoughts, spending more
family time with us and volunteer information without
needing to be quizzed and have things pried out of
her. We pointed out that, as she's well aware and
we've heard her say, relationships take work, and
family relationships are no different, particularly
family that you live with. We talked about ways to
help her have quiet time to herself when she needed
it, as she gets overstimulated easily.

She also shared with us some of the difficulties she's
having with learning to live with our special needs
kids. One thing she said was "I don't think most
people have any idea how hard this is, just to live in
the same house with them, let alone be their parents.
I'm learning how, and I love to be with them, but it's
hard." As she has many of the same difficulties that
the boys have, she's also learning a lot about herself
and her own needs by living with them.

She expressed an overall lethargy and trouble sleeping
and we pointed out how these and other things she was
doing are symptoms of depression. We also suggested
she get more physical excercise during the day as a
possible mental/physical/chemical lift and to help her
sleep better. Living far North, we also pointed out
that lack of daylight exposure is bad for the body and
can lead to depression (Seasonal Affected Disorder is
common here) and that staying locked a lightless room
until 2PM when it get's dark at 4pm was not good for
her in that area either.

We talked about how we thought it was unfair that so
much of her energy was going into online and long
distance relationships and almost none was going to
her family here that she lived with. She thought that
was a fair point and has made a so far total reversal
of that dynamic!

Sandra: in answer to your question, when I mentioned
that she was making long distance calls it didn't have
anything to do with expense or being irritated about
it, I was just pointing out that she had no local
friends or social exchanges at all, they were all far
away. I don't think that's a good thing.

Since we talked the other day she's asked for and been
taken out job hunting, made a resume, asked for and
recieved help filling out applications, made plans
with us for further job hunting forays, studied her
driver's test booklet and made plans to go out for
driving practice with us. She's talked with us a lot
about good places to apply for work and has visited a
local state work assistance office to get help with
her resume, tips on interviews and job leads.

The difference in her participation in family
activites and chores has also been dramatic. She not
only attended Thomas' birthday party, but was present
the entire time, conversed and socialized with the
adults present, helped cook and clean up cheerfully.
We thanked her for being there and for helping out so
much. We have always thanked her for helping out but
now there's more to thank her for, more often. We
were always open about telling her we loved her and
being physically affectionate but now she's openly
reciprocating and initiating those exchanges too!

We're planning at least a couple nights a week to play
games or do other social things together as a family
with her. She's spending more time chatting with us.
She leaves the door open more at night after 8pm into
the study as an unspoken invitation to be more social
with her when she's in there. She's getting up
dramatically earlier too (by 9-10 AM so far) and
taking care of daily chores like dishes and the
litterbox right away in the morning. She's smiling
and laughing more now and we're all noticing how much
that was absent. Last night she comfortably joined us
as we all piled onto the loft to watch the movie
Thomas got from us for his birthday (Fantastic 4 =
fun/funny confection of a superhero action movie.)

Now I have felt the need to mention to her not to burn
herself out by overdoing it, which is an ironic and
dramatic change! I don't want her to start feeling
like the cinderella of the house, but to find a happy
medium where everyone is feeling their needs are met.
Things proceed well as she works to discover her place
in the home and family and world. Thank you to
everyone for your thoughts and advice!

Nanci K.