leaving and being safe
Barbara Chase
Hi Joanne,
as Nicole has gotten older. I do remember that when she was 5 I had
several heart thumping moments when she would run away from me and then I
couldn't see her. Once was in a crowded unfamiliar store. I know that she
loved (and still does) to play hiding games and running away games. She
doesn't feel that comfortable playing these games in groups of other kids,
but she wants to do it. When it happened in the unfamiliar store I
explained my concern about not being able to find her (and indeed she had
gotten lost and scared a few times up to that point), and we worked out a
deal where she would tell me in advance where she was going to run away to.
It didn't seem to be a big issue that I not know, just that she got to do
it. Kind of like how she used to talk in the back seat w/ her friends
about what to say to me as if I couldn't hear because they weren't talking
*to* me. I expect that when she gets older (and is able to be very
discerning about safety) it will be important to be *really* hidden.
Another tool that really helped empower her at the music festivals that we
go to is a walkie-talkie. She loves being able to go ahead of me and still
be connected and to be using a cool gadget all at the same time.
if he is trying to be a bit more autonomous and wanting very much to know
that he can make decisions about safety. I also remember at the 5yo point
a marked difference in how Nicole started to cross the street and inform me
of all the various car movements. She chose to do it in a way that was
still right next to me rather than on her own, but it was clear that I was
to follow her lead for knowing when to cross the street. I also feel that
if I hadn't honored that I might have set myself up for a power struggle.
Mind you, I wasn't going to walk in front of a car! But I did let her
lead, knowing that I was still going to jump in if needed.
I understand how important it is for you to know that your son is safe. So
I'm not suggesting that you go ahead and let him explore beyond the hill on
his own if it really isn't safe to do. But are there other areas where he
really can explore and express his autonomy wrt to safety? Maybe having
him lead you would be helpful? Anyway, that's the only idea I've had so
far.
after. I've also seen it referred to as briefing/debriefing. In
situations where right now I have needs and the communication isn't
happening then I take a deep breath, I think about my most important need
in that moment and I put that need into the context of my being in
relationship w/ Nicole, and I hold it all in my heart. Then, I take into
account Nicole's needs and I hold them in my heart.
These are just the types of moments where I could easily slip back into the
old paradigm and just *make* it happen (whatever it might be, like leaving
the park or whatever). But I'd prefer not to damage my relationship. I'd
prefer not to wound my daughter's spirit, or mine for that matter. I've
noticed that when I do slip and I get upset I'm starting to feel the wound
of it myself. Not the guilty feeling... just that a bit of my connected
wholeness has been slighted.
This is all another way of me saying what I often try to say, which is that
I hold the seemingly opposite needs, the paradoxical needs, together. I
connect them. I allow them to exist with love and as much space as they
need. To use your park story as an example... I don't drop my need to
leave, but I don't *insist* that it happen right now. At the same time I
open up to my dd's need which she is choosing to manifest by running away.
I allow that to be... to exist with love. That doesn't mean we'll be
staying at the park, but it does mean it has some space. All together, I
soften and I become more present while still holding on to the issues that
are imposing themselves from the future. I think when I make that
physical, mental, and emotional shift Nicole notices it and she can make
the shift very quickly thereafter. In a way, it's about setting time aside
for a little while...
Others have suggested that you make a game out of it, chase him. I know
you can't run after your son. But how about if you make the game w/ your
words. Take the idea that yes, you'd like to go and yes, he'd like to stay
into a word game, chasing him with your words. Be the sports commentator,
watching his every move away from you, no closer, no further, off to the
left, ooo close to that tree... Maybe even turn it into a chase/commenting
game w/ the car being the goal. Allow both realities to exist, that's the
trick and the key.
Barbara
Mahalo - May you be in Divine Breath
Barbara
Mahalo - May you be in Divine Breath
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>What was a problem is that he continued to run away from me so that I wasFirst I'd just like to say that this has become almost a non-issue for me
>unable to talk with him about how it was getting dark, it was almost
>seven o'clock and I needed to eat, that my ds had no idea where we
>were and I didn't want him to worry).
as Nicole has gotten older. I do remember that when she was 5 I had
several heart thumping moments when she would run away from me and then I
couldn't see her. Once was in a crowded unfamiliar store. I know that she
loved (and still does) to play hiding games and running away games. She
doesn't feel that comfortable playing these games in groups of other kids,
but she wants to do it. When it happened in the unfamiliar store I
explained my concern about not being able to find her (and indeed she had
gotten lost and scared a few times up to that point), and we worked out a
deal where she would tell me in advance where she was going to run away to.
It didn't seem to be a big issue that I not know, just that she got to do
it. Kind of like how she used to talk in the back seat w/ her friends
about what to say to me as if I couldn't hear because they weren't talking
*to* me. I expect that when she gets older (and is able to be very
discerning about safety) it will be important to be *really* hidden.
Another tool that really helped empower her at the music festivals that we
go to is a walkie-talkie. She loves being able to go ahead of me and still
be connected and to be using a cool gadget all at the same time.
>But then he disappeared and did not answer. He finally did show up. I wasI've been wondering, because of his matter of fact nature that you sensed,
>headed up the hill by then. When I told him I was worried. He just
>matter of fact tells me he was fine. I consider this a safety thing.
if he is trying to be a bit more autonomous and wanting very much to know
that he can make decisions about safety. I also remember at the 5yo point
a marked difference in how Nicole started to cross the street and inform me
of all the various car movements. She chose to do it in a way that was
still right next to me rather than on her own, but it was clear that I was
to follow her lead for knowing when to cross the street. I also feel that
if I hadn't honored that I might have set myself up for a power struggle.
Mind you, I wasn't going to walk in front of a car! But I did let her
lead, knowing that I was still going to jump in if needed.
I understand how important it is for you to know that your son is safe. So
I'm not suggesting that you go ahead and let him explore beyond the hill on
his own if it really isn't safe to do. But are there other areas where he
really can explore and express his autonomy wrt to safety? Maybe having
him lead you would be helpful? Anyway, that's the only idea I've had so
far.
>Any suggestions to what I do when I have a need, would like to communicateWell, when it comes to communication I usually try to do it before and/or
>it and he just won't get close enough to me to be willing to work things
>out...
after. I've also seen it referred to as briefing/debriefing. In
situations where right now I have needs and the communication isn't
happening then I take a deep breath, I think about my most important need
in that moment and I put that need into the context of my being in
relationship w/ Nicole, and I hold it all in my heart. Then, I take into
account Nicole's needs and I hold them in my heart.
These are just the types of moments where I could easily slip back into the
old paradigm and just *make* it happen (whatever it might be, like leaving
the park or whatever). But I'd prefer not to damage my relationship. I'd
prefer not to wound my daughter's spirit, or mine for that matter. I've
noticed that when I do slip and I get upset I'm starting to feel the wound
of it myself. Not the guilty feeling... just that a bit of my connected
wholeness has been slighted.
This is all another way of me saying what I often try to say, which is that
I hold the seemingly opposite needs, the paradoxical needs, together. I
connect them. I allow them to exist with love and as much space as they
need. To use your park story as an example... I don't drop my need to
leave, but I don't *insist* that it happen right now. At the same time I
open up to my dd's need which she is choosing to manifest by running away.
I allow that to be... to exist with love. That doesn't mean we'll be
staying at the park, but it does mean it has some space. All together, I
soften and I become more present while still holding on to the issues that
are imposing themselves from the future. I think when I make that
physical, mental, and emotional shift Nicole notices it and she can make
the shift very quickly thereafter. In a way, it's about setting time aside
for a little while...
Others have suggested that you make a game out of it, chase him. I know
you can't run after your son. But how about if you make the game w/ your
words. Take the idea that yes, you'd like to go and yes, he'd like to stay
into a word game, chasing him with your words. Be the sports commentator,
watching his every move away from you, no closer, no further, off to the
left, ooo close to that tree... Maybe even turn it into a chase/commenting
game w/ the car being the goal. Allow both realities to exist, that's the
trick and the key.
Barbara
Mahalo - May you be in Divine Breath
Barbara
Mahalo - May you be in Divine Breath
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Barbara Chase
oops... sorry, this was sent to the wrong list.
joanne
Hi Barbara, I continue to be delighted with the way people take the time to reach out. Explaining things to new people (who really have so much to learn) can take a bit of time. Thank you for that gift. I think you may have provided me some insight. . He feels ready. Now I am just the one who needs to let go with love. Briefing and debriefing is so foreign to me. I am used to talking about it as it comes up. As I read I quickly reflect back and realize that it never worked that way. Why did I not stop sooner and try something else? I think I was stuck in the way that was familiar. But now I want to stretch to find the way that allows me to remain the most connected :) Thanks again, Joanne
I've been wondering, because of his matter of fact nature that you sensed,
if he is trying to be a bit more autonomous and wanting very much to know
that he can make decisions about safety.
Well, when it comes to communication I usually try to do it before and/or
after. I've also seen it referred to as briefing/debriefing. In
situations where right now I have needs and the communication isn't
happening then I take a deep breath, I think about my most important need
in that moment and I put that need into the context of my being in
relationship w/ Nicole, and I hold it all in my heart. Then, I take into
account Nicole's needs and I hold them in my heart.
These are just the types of moments where I could easily slip back into the
old paradigm and just *make* it happen (whatever it might be, like leaving
the park or whatever). But I'd prefer not to damage my relationship. I'd
prefer not to wound my daughter's spirit, or mine for that matter. I've
noticed that when I do slip and I get upset I'm starting to feel the wound
of it myself. Not the guilty feeling... just that a bit of my connected
wholeness has been slighted.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've been wondering, because of his matter of fact nature that you sensed,
if he is trying to be a bit more autonomous and wanting very much to know
that he can make decisions about safety.
Well, when it comes to communication I usually try to do it before and/or
after. I've also seen it referred to as briefing/debriefing. In
situations where right now I have needs and the communication isn't
happening then I take a deep breath, I think about my most important need
in that moment and I put that need into the context of my being in
relationship w/ Nicole, and I hold it all in my heart. Then, I take into
account Nicole's needs and I hold them in my heart.
These are just the types of moments where I could easily slip back into the
old paradigm and just *make* it happen (whatever it might be, like leaving
the park or whatever). But I'd prefer not to damage my relationship. I'd
prefer not to wound my daughter's spirit, or mine for that matter. I've
noticed that when I do slip and I get upset I'm starting to feel the wound
of it myself. Not the guilty feeling... just that a bit of my connected
wholeness has been slighted.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]