superdiva58us

Hi everyone -- Today I'm sitting here on my computer -- and feeling
enormously guilty because I am not taking my boys to their music
lessons today. We've been unschooling for about three years. The
boys have also been taking outside lessons in art, swimming, fencing
and music. Before our world shifted last month, they were also asking
to take a video production class.

Long story short -- my 44-year-old husband died of a sudden massive
heart attack on Dec. 14. We've gotten through the immediate shock,
the funeral and the holidays. Now we're looking at the future and how
much our lives have changed and will change. The financial part will
be tremendously tight -- we're falling from $100K a year to about $15K
per year. Out of that we'll have to pay about $3000 a month in bare
basics expenses -- mortgage, health insurance, utilities. There is
some insurance and social security which will help out a little bit,
but now I am the sole support for our family.

Last night I spoke to the boys (ages 11 and 14) and shared with them
my concern that their outside lessons cost $100s a month. When we had
a lot more money, this was not a problem in the least. They agreed
that most of the lessons were an expense that we needed to cut. They
are continuing with the swimming lessons for now since a benefactor
has volunteered to pay for the next 8 weeks.

I have always had an at-home child care business as well as a
part-time job with a non-profit agency that allows me to work from
home. These jobs allowed me to stay at home with my kids, and the
money that I made was pretty much spent on food and fun stuff. Now I
will have to be the breadwinner and that gives rise to another concern
-- the prospect of leaving my kids home alone for long stretches.
Right now, my thought is to keep the status quo, pare back expenses
and try to stay home with them for one more year. I can try to get
more children enrolled in my before/after school child care and my
agency has said that I can pick up a few more hours. This will be
good for the short term, but this small amount of additional income
will not sustain our family in the long-run.

In a previous career (12 years ago) I was a legislative aide to a US
Congressman. If I were to return to DC to work either as a staffer or
with a lobbying firm, I would make a larger income and benefits would
be paid. (Right now our health insurance is $969 a month and because
all three of us have asthma, we can't get individual-payer insurance
anywhere else. The Federal Employees Health Benefits plan doesn't
exclude pre-existing conditions.) The downside is that I would have a
90 mile round trip commute, long daily hours and likely 25% travel.
(I've though a bit about the travel -- I could arrange to take the
kids with me on some trips.) I'm also looking into jobs working for my
county -- the pay would be less, but all the benefits would be paid --
and I would not have the 1.5 hour each way commute.

My 14 year old son told me that he can't wait until he's 15 (which is
next month) because he wants to go out and get job to help support our
family. (I get all teary just thinking about how quickly he's having
to grow up -- but OTH I am trying to think positively that his joining
the workforce to help pay our household bills will give him a valuable
life experience and a real sense of his effectiveness.) We live in a
semi-rural area with no sidewalks and busy roads that aren't safe to
walk -- so I would have to transport him to his job. He already helps
me a lot by being home with his younger brother on the days that I
have work meetings outside (about twice a week).

I'm looking for ideas and reassurances that we can continue our
unschooling lifestyle even if it means that my kids are home alone all
day long.

Thanks in advance for your creatvitiy and wisdom,

Alicia

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/9/2005 10:22:05 A.M. Mountain Standard Time,
superdiva@... writes:

Long story short -- my 44-year-old husband died of a sudden massive
heart attack on Dec. 14.


----------------

Oh gosh.
Alicia, I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing this with us, though, and I hope
some people here will have good ideas for you.


-=-I'm looking for ideas and reassurances that we can continue our
unschooling lifestyle even if it means that my kids are home alone all
day long.-=-


Home alone with cell phones and e-mail isn't the same as home alone in the
old days. I would worry that if your teen gets a job that he wouldn't be
there to be with his brother.

Maybe when and if you do decide you need to work fulltime you should look
for something closer where you don't have to dress up so much and drive so far.

I don't think it would be too bad for the kids to be home without you if the
neighborhood's safe and they get along well and aren't risk-taking kids.
But maybe they wouldn't even have to be all alone in a boring way, either.
Maybe you'll find some other homeschoolers who need childcare during the day
(for another older child not a really young one) or... I don't know. Just
lamely brainstorming too soon probably.

I hope other ideas come in!
Are there grief counselling facilities where you are? Support groups or
lists? Things will probably hit later that haven't yet, for you and the kids
both.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn Coburn

<<<<Long story short -- my 44-year-old husband died of a sudden massive
heart attack on Dec. 14. We've gotten through the immediate shock,
the funeral and the holidays. Now we're looking at the future and how
much our lives have changed and will change. >>>>

Alicia, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have no particular ideas except to suggest not rushing into any large life
changing decisions. Finding ways to give yourself a year sounds like a good
plan.

Robyn L. Coburn



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Gold Standard

>>Long story short -- my 44-year-old husband died of a sudden massive
>>heart attack on Dec. 14. We've gotten through the immediate shock,
>>the funeral and the holidays.<<

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine such thing happening, it must
have been so hard. I am sending all my good thoughts your way Alicia...I
imagine lots of people on this list are. Your email shows that you indeed
are a strong, smart, caring woman!

I had numerous thoughts while reading your post. Though my husband is still
with us, we had a similar change in our financial situation. My husband is a
physician, and two years ago merged his clinic in Ohio with one in Phoenix
Arizona, which caused us to move across the country to Phoenix (we did it
happily, and in excited agreement). The move business-wise was a huge
mistake (if you believe in mistakes) and he lost not only his income, but
all of his clinic assets as well in what turned out to be a big con job
(lots of court proceedings in process, but this is costing money rather than
replenishing any, and it looks like we'll get nothing back). It's a long
story, but the end result is that we went from $200,000 income to $35,000.
This would be fine, except we were living at least a $150,000 life.

Because my dh has worked in alternative cancer treatment for most of his
working years, he was not easily employable in a standard dr. position. We
have four kids, all in lessons, classes, etc like yours. Our mortgage was
also $3000, we had no health insurance except for one of our children who
has major heart problems and we pay $500 a month just for him. We had lots
of other expenses as well.

At first we just felt devastated. We couldn't figure out what moves to make.
But slowly we realized that we had to make changes, and fast. We discussed a
whole lot as a family and to my dh's and my surprise, our children were much
more in touch with reality than we were. They pretty much said that though
they loved where we lived, they were much more interested in having a
peaceful life. There certainly was some initial mourning to the changes, but
not for long. They excitedly took on the idea of selling our house and
downsizing. We looked at all kinds of other places to live. They all ended
their lessons and suddenly had more time and less schedule, which they
enjoyed. We also creatively thought of ways to barter for lessons. In
exchange for guitar lessons, we thought of bringing lunch three days a week
to the teacher. I offered to volunteer at my daughter's dance studio in
exchange for her lessons to continue. My son's film teacher donated his time
indefinitely. People really do in general want to help when help is really
needed. Maybe some of your children's lessons can be donated or bartered for
due to this unfortunate circumstance?

What was very important to us was that we did not live beyond our means, and
our means at the time meant changing everything. We were reminded so often
of the important things, love, peace, relationships. These were so much more
important than expensive stuff/house, lessons, etc.

It may be way too soon for you to consider making changes this way in your
life, but I thought I'd share what happened with us in case it is helpful.
You have already been challenged enough in thinking about things in life!
Just know that you don't have to "fix" everything right away, and in time
there will be ways to get lessons and things back. You are giving them a
loving family environment and home, no matter what that home is. That is the
primary thing that any of us need. They'll have lots of opportunities to
continue with what they want as time goes on.

Not working outside the home much has been a very important thing for me
too, but I have had to do some of that. My guys have spent more time home
alone than I would like. I don't see a negative side yet, except for the
occasional day that they want to do something and I can't do it for them. If
they are home together, that makes a big difference.

Take care Alicia, take care of yourself, and those kids are going to be just
fine. Healing can take a while, and life doesn't have to go on exactly as it
did to be a good life. Unschooling looks differently at different times
depending on our life situations, I think.

Jacki

Joanna Wilkinson

>
> Long story short -- my 44-year-old husband died of a sudden massive
> heart attack on Dec. 14. >>

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's really hard to grieve when your the mom and have so much to take
care of. I don't know what I can offer but hopes and wishes of peace
for you.
We lost our 8yo son Sam suddenly, 2 years ago. My life changed
dramatically, but I didn't have the financial worries that come with
losing a spouse.
I think the only reason I didn't completely fall apart was because of
my other children. They needed me, so I sucked it up and carried on.
I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not, but as mom's, we
have no choice.
I wish you all the strength you'll need in the coming months.
Take your time with decisions.
Take some time for yourself.
If I can help in any way, please e mail me.
Wilkinson6@...

Joanna

Elizabeth Hill

**

My 14 year old son told me that he can't wait until he's 15 (which is
next month) because he wants to go out and get job to help support our
family. **

Hi, Alicia --

My husband was 15 when his dad died of a heart attack at age 47, and my husband is 47 this year, so I've spent a little bit of time previewing what you are living. (It's what I worry about when I do my middle of the night worrying.) My heart goes out to you. Any advice I give you is intended to be evaluated by you and only acted on if it suits you. I won't try to talk you into anything that doesn't sound right to you.

You may qualify for types of health care offered in your state for poor people, now that your income is much smaller. (A family that I know that went through prolonged unemployment, in CA, was able to put their kids on a new state program.) You may want to research what's available in your state or get a friend who wants to help to research it for you. (But double check what they tell you.)

If you have to go back to work full-time, you can probably find ways to have your kids spend some of their day with friends. I would encourage you to try not to feel bad if you look at your options and figure that full-time work is necessary.

Some people find that selling a house and moving to a cheaper area is a workable way to deal with having less income. But, of course, you are urged not to do anything drastic in your year of mourning when it's darned hard to think clearly. It's just something to consider.

Could you work for the state government instead of the Federal government? Where you are or in some other state? I have a friend from DC, so I have some idea how bad the prices and the commutes are there.

Best wishes,
Betsy

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/9/05 5:22:33 PM, jacki@... writes:

<< Just know that you don't have to "fix" everything right away, and in time

there will be ways to get lessons and things back. >>

That's an important thought, that there can be lessons someday. Even after
they're grown.

I think it's good that Kirby has taken karate since he was 9, but his teacher
didn't start until he was 20. Lots of musicians started as adults. Lots of
artists. Lots of dancers, gymnasts and athletes have to quit by the time
they're adults because they've messed up their ankles or knees.

I thought about suggesting that you move to a less expensive place, too, but
I don't know whether staying in that home where your husband was is important
to you. I think almost everywhere is less expensive than near Washington,
except maybe Boston or San Francisco. Places like Oklahoma and Kansas, I hear,
have really cool towns where large houses can be rented for less than small
apartments in most other places.

Sandra

Barbi

Alicia, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry that Idon't really have any helpful ideas.

I wouldn' suggest any drastic changes right away
either. If you could manage a year I think it would
truly help all three of you heal.

=====
Barbi ~
Homeschooling Mom.

If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person.

















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julie w

Elizabeth Hill wrote:

>You may qualify for types of health care offered in your state for poor people, now that your income is much smaller. (A family that I know that went through prolonged unemployment, in CA, was able to put their kids on a new state program.) You may want to research what's available in your state or get a friend who wants to help to research it for you. (But double check what they tell you.)
>
Absolutely.
In Arkansas the program is called ARKIDS and I'm pretty sure it has no
pre-existing exemptions. It has two components, one is Medicare and if
on that the family pays nothing, the other is for the "working poor" and
then not everything is covered and you pay a $10 co-pay. The 1st one
requires a very low income but the second surprised me in how generous
it was. I think the cut off was like $35,000 for a family of 3...we used
it for a few years while getting back on our feet after dh quit (it was
either that or a nervous breakdown) his job. Some states have a waiting
period, but they might also have emergency programs for someone in your
situation.

I forgot to mention in my last email that I have found that some
extra-curricular activity programs have scholar ships they do not
advertise, but are available if you ask about them.

Julie W in AR



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Dana Matt

In Arkansas the program is called ARKIDS and I'm
> pretty sure it has no
> pre-existing exemptions. It has two components, one
> is Medicare and if
> on that the family pays nothing, the other is for
> the "working poor" and
> then not everything is covered and you pay a $10
> co-pay. The 1st one
> requires a very low income but the second surprised
> me in how generous
> it was. I think the cut off was like $35,000 for a
> family of 3...

Washington's is even higher than this, I think,
although we have a family of 4. We've been amazed
that although we're quite "middle class" or at least
it seems to us ;) we can qualify for insurance for the
kids! Everyone we know uses it here...
Dana

=====
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Roasted to Perfection Daily
Free Home Delivery in Whatcom County
(360) 715-1900




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pam sorooshian

On Jan 10, 2005, at 7:51 AM, julie w wrote:

> I forgot to mention in my last email that I have found that some
> extra-curricular activity programs have scholar ships they do not
> advertise, but are available if you ask about them.

LOTS of programs will let kids continue participation when they have
circumstances that prevent them from continuing to pay. YMCA programs,
Girl Scouts, and local city-offered activities, that I know about for
sure. Sometimes they go unused, because nobody even applies for them.

-pam

superdiva58us

Hi Sandra --
-> Oh gosh.
> Alicia, I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing this with us, though, and
I hope some people here will have good ideas for you.
>
Thank you! I can see by a glance at the messages that I have a lot
more reading to do -- but I knew that this would be the best list to
come to for creative answers and ideas!


> Home alone with cell phones and e-mail isn't the same as home alone
in the
> old days. I would worry that if your teen gets a job that he
wouldn't be
> there to be with his brother.
>
True -- I would not want Roger to get a job outside during the times
that I was away from home. His younger brother does need a bit more
supervision, though he is an "older" 11. Roger is a "younger" 14, but
both boys are growing up very fast now due to our changed
circumstances. This is another thing that saddens me -- but I can't
do anything about it. A father's untimely death will make a boy grow
up faster and there's no way around that.

We have cell phones, voicemail and caller ID. There have been days
when I've had outside meetings/field visits and my kids will call
frequently just to check in.

> Maybe when and if you do decide you need to work fulltime you should
look for something closer where you don't have to dress up so much and
drive so far.
>

Working for the local county government would undoubtedly be the best
option as well as a good match for my skills, family needs as well as
the emploer's needs. I've been very active in our county's political
scene for the last decade holding a number of volunteer postions and
serving as a consultant and aide to local elected officials. I have
not been paid for these tasks/services, but in other localities nearby
these would be paid staff positions.


> I don't think it would be too bad for the kids to be home without
you if the neighborhood's safe and they get along well and aren't
risk-taking kids.

We do live in a safe neighborhood, the boys do get along very well and
they haven't acted out in any risk-taking ways.

> But maybe they wouldn't even have to be all alone in a boring way,
either.

They don't seem to be bored at home. They have lots of video games,
we have six computers on a home network, tons of books, loads of art
supplies, sports equipment, foosball, air hockey, digital cable TV,
every movie channel, DVDs, etc. We have a big fenced backyard with
trees, garden and forts that the boys have made.

> Maybe you'll find some other homeschoolers who need childcare
during the day (for another older child not a really young one) or...
I don't know. Just lamely brainstorming too soon probably.
>
I've done child care before for homescoolers -- but it hasn't really
worked out. Those parents were not willing to unschool and the
different approaches became much more of a hassle than I was willing
to deal with. The other homeschooled kids would see my children never
having to slave over workbooks and they would rebel at home.

> I hope other ideas come in!
> Are there grief counselling facilities where you are? Support
groups or lists? Things will probably hit later that haven't yet,
for you and the kids both.
>
I haven't found the grief counseling sewrvices in our area yet.
Hospice is the most likely place to have that information. Come to
think of it, I am surprised that the funeral home didn't provide me
with a list of those resources. Hmmm... I will have to ping them on
that. We had a rather unorthodox approach to the death service. When
I returned from the hospital after getting the news about Dan's death,
and after I told the boys what happened, the three of us sat down and
discussed how we wanted the arrangements to be. Right away it was
clear to the three of us that we didn't want a burial, so we chose
cremation and decided to keep Dan's remains at home with us. We
planned a memorial celebration of his life with input from family and
friends. There was a very ecumenical approach drawing from the
traditions of many faiths -- Christianity, Judaism, Islam and Pagan.
We did this to provide comfort to the various members of our
families who follow those faiths. The memorial was a good creative
outlet to our grieving, and that was very healing. Dan's sister, the
boys and I had a great time making a CD of Dan's favorite music which
was played at the beginning and at the end of the memorial. It may be
the first (and only?) time that Pink Floyd's "The Wall" was ever
played at the funeral home! We burned multiple copies of Dan's Music
CD to give to family members as tokens of remembrance. A day after
the "traditional" memorial we had a Pagan ceremony of release and
healing planned by some dear homeschooling friends in a wonderful
setting near an old forest and river.

I understand that grief is a process that unfolds in its own time and
in its own way for each of us. With the kids I definitely think that
there will be a delayed reaction that comes up later on. Roger had
some delayed reactions to his grandfather's death a few years ago.
What I keep hearing from both of the boys is that they want to be
strong for me. I tell them that it's good that they want to be strong
and grown-up, but that I don't want them to supress what they are
feeling -- it's not only okay, but the best thing they can do is to
allow themselves to feel their feelings. Right now, they report that
they're still in a state of disbelief -- that they feel that Dan is
just away on a long trip and will be returning soon. Of course, they
know that this is not true and we talk about how this shock and
numbness is a protective coping reaction to give our brains time to
process this great sadness.

Thanks for your support and sympathy,
Alicia

Robyn Coburn

<<<<<Working for the local county government would undoubtedly be the best
option as well as a good match for my skills, family needs as well as
the emploer's needs. I've been very active in our county's political
scene for the last decade holding a number of volunteer postions and
serving as a consultant and aide to local elected officials. I have
not been paid for these tasks/services, but in other localities nearby
these would be paid staff positions.>>>>>

Maybe part of the reason these positions are volunteer ones is because
volunteers like yourself have been available to fill them. Perhaps you could
ask for these positions to become a job for you, citing the other localities
as a standard for the pay scale and explaining the change in your
circumstances. The benefits to the county of keeping someone familiar with
the people, places and protocols might be better than having to train new
volunteers, since I guess you wouldn't be able to give the time to
volunteering AND working for pay elsewhere. I can't tell you how many paid
positions grew out of volunteer ones in my own working history (not for
charities but for businesses). Just about every time I volunteered it ended
up morphing into a paid job, because I asked for it.

<<<<We do live in a safe neighborhood, the boys do get along very well and
they haven't acted out in any risk-taking ways.>>>>

Check the laws in your State. Some have regulations about the ages of
children who can be left "unsupervised". This came up once before on another
list, and 12 was one of the ages I vaguely recall mentioned in some places.
Better to know for sure.

<<<<The memorial was a good creative
outlet to our grieving, and that was very healing. Dan's sister, the
boys and I had a great time making a CD of Dan's favorite music which
was played at the beginning and at the end of the memorial. >>>>>

What beautiful ceremonies.

Robyn L. Coburn



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superdiva58us

Jacki -- thank you for your wonderful and reassuring post!

> Though my husband is still
> with us, we had a similar change in our financial situation.
<<<snip>>> It's a long
> story, but the end result is that we went from $200,000 income to
$35,000.
> This would be fine, except we were living at least a $150,000 life.
>
> Because my dh has worked in alternative cancer treatment for most of his
> working years, he was not easily employable in a standard dr.
position. We
> have four kids, all in lessons, classes, etc like yours. Our
mortgage was
> also $3000, we had no health insurance except for one of our
children who
> has major heart problems and we pay $500 a month just for him. We
had lots
> of other expenses as well.
>
> At first we just felt devastated. We couldn't figure out what moves
to make.
> But slowly we realized that we had to make changes, and fast. We
discussed a
> whole lot as a family and to my dh's and my surprise, our children
were much
> more in touch with reality than we were. They pretty much said that
though
> they loved where we lived, they were much more interested in having a
> peaceful life. There certainly was some initial mourning to the
changes, but
> not for long. They excitedly took on the idea of selling our house and
> downsizing. We looked at all kinds of other places to live. They
all ended
> their lessons and suddenly had more time and less schedule, which they
> enjoyed. We also creatively thought of ways to barter for lessons.
Maybe some of your children's lessons can be donated or bartered for
> due to this unfortunate circumstance?
>
> What was very important to us was that we did not live beyond our
means, and our means at the time meant changing everything. We were
reminded so often of the important things, love, peace, relationships.
These were so much more important than expensive stuff/house, lessons,
etc.
>
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It gave me a lot to
think about. It's good to have the reassurance that the children can
flex to the challenges ahead, based on how well your children were
able to adjust to thier new lives. You're right about the less
scheduled lives with fewer lessons. My children do tend to like their
day to unfold more slowly and there were time when they expressed that
there was too much going on. It was all of their own choosing -- but I
never felt the need to limit their participation in lessons, clubs,
etc. There are other, less spendy ways for them to gain enrichment.
After we talked about taking a break from thier Sunday music lessons,
we found that there was an SCA group that did medieval weapons
activities on Sunday -- and AFAIK, SCA is very low-cost or free. (Is
this correct, Sandra?)


> It may be way too soon for you to consider making changes this way
in your
> life, but I thought I'd share what happened with us in case it is
helpful.
> You have already been challenged enough in thinking about things in
life!
> Just know that you don't have to "fix" everything right away, and in
time
> there will be ways to get lessons and things back. You are giving them a
> loving family environment and home, no matter what that home is.

This is good to remember as well. I've been thinking that if I can
keep things fairly status quo for the next year -- that will give us
more time to decide our course for the future as well as give the kids
one more year to mature and become more self-reliant. Right now I'm
thinking that I can keep the house since the mortgage is less than
most rental properties in my area (real estate values are astronomical
in metro Washington, DC.) The next biggest expense is health care --
and if I can get a job that pays for that we will be much better off.
There is a small chance the job I currently hold will get some
health benefits. Even so, I will need to earn more money to avoid
depleting the life insurance.


> Not working outside the home much has been a very important thing for me
> too, but I have had to do some of that. My guys have spent more time
home
> alone than I would like. I don't see a negative side yet, except for the
> occasional day that they want to do something and I can't do it for
them. If they are home together, that makes a big difference.
>
> Take care Alicia, take care of yourself, and those kids are going to
be just
> fine. Healing can take a while, and life doesn't have to go on
exactly as it
> did to be a good life. Unschooling looks differently at different times
> depending on our life situations, I think.

Thanks again, Jacki, for your wise words. You have no idea just how
healing and reassuring your message is for me to read.
>
~ Alicia

christina_m

Hi Alicia,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. You and your family are in my
thoughts.

> I haven't found the grief counseling services in our area yet.
> Hospice is the most likely place to have that information. Come to
> think of it, I am surprised that the funeral home didn't provide me
> with a list of those resources. Hmmm... I will have to ping them
on
> that.

I think a chaplain could provide the counseling you would like, or
point you to someone who could.For two years I was in a chaplaincy
training program (called Clinical Pastoral Education, or CPE) at a
large local hospital, and grief counseling was one of the main
things we were there to learn how to do. I would recommend finding
out if a local hospital has CPE because they would have more
resources than just one or two staff chaplains. They have
connections with people in the community, books on grief, and are
actively teaching students how to provide grief counseling. My group
here had a diverse spiritual base, and it sounds like an open, broad
view is what you are wanting. I hope that you could find a similar
group where you are. I think a CPE program would give you the best
chance of finding counseling that matches your own faith/beliefs.
Perhaps this will give you a direction to look for the support you
need.

Wishing you healing and peace.
Christina

superdiva58us

Thank you, Betsy, for your ideas and words of support.
>
> My husband was 15 when his dad died of a heart attack at age 47, and
my husband is 47 this year, so I've spent a little bit of time
previewing what you are living. (It's what I worry about when I do my
middle of the night worrying.) My heart goes out to you. Any advice
I give you is intended to be evaluated by you and only acted on if it
suits you. I won't try to talk you into anything that doesn't sound
right to you.

Because of where Danny worked and because he had a narrow escape from
the Pentagon on 9/11/2001, I was always afraid that he would die
young. I am glad that I always took the time to send him off with
sweet words and good wishes -- because you never know, right? It just
so happened that he did die on his way to work -- and I am really
glad that my policy of happy morning departures was in effect on our
last moring together. Try not to spend too much time worrying about
what you can't control -- and focus on the things that you can
control. I wish I had spent more time learning Dan's method of bill
paying, paid attention when he told me his computer passwords, and
followed through on his instructions to get his life insurance
doubled. Because the thought of losing him was too terrible for me to
confront, I put it off and now it's too late. Since Dan was getting
to be in his forties and we've had friends who've already had cardiac
swcares, I had mentioned to him that he should see a doctor to get a
baseline physical. Now I wish that I'd jsut made the appointment and
encouraged him to go. For me it's a point game of coulda shoulda
woulda -- but if my experience can be instructive that is my advice to
you. :->

>
> You may qualify for types of health care offered in your state for
poor people, now that your income is much smaller. (A family that I
know that went through prolonged unemployment, in CA, was able to put
their kids on a new state program.) You may want to research what's
available in your state or get a friend who wants to help to research
it for you. (But double check what they tell you.)
>
I work in the social services field - and having advised many people
of their qualications for these programs, this is one of the first
things I checked for myself. Unfortunately, with Social Security, our
household income is just slightly too high to qualify. That may
change and you bet I will be watchful for when it does.

> If you have to go back to work full-time, you can probably find ways
to have your kids spend some of their day with friends. I would
encourage you to try not to feel bad if you look at your options and
figure that full-time work is necessary.
>
Thanks -- that is good to hear. I have lots of friends in this area
-- a huge support network, actually. Most of my non-homeschooling
friends are older, wealthier and dote on my children. They're taking
them to the movies, out for pizza and ice cream, etc. They've offered
to take them on fields trips and help ferry them to places during the
day if I need to be away. I just don't want to be an imposition.


> Some people find that selling a house and moving to a cheaper area
is a workable way to deal with having less income. But, of course,
you are urged not to do anything drastic in your year of mourning when
it's darned hard to think clearly. It's just something to consider.
>

I've thought about this a bit too. Right now -- all of my family and
friends are in this area -- if I moved, I wouldn't have the same kind
of support network that I have here. Moving is a fantasy -- I could
cash in all my equity, take the insurance payment and move to Costa
Rica! Or Canada (free health care!)

> Could you work for the state government instead of the Federal
government?

It's possible. I am about halfway betweeen DC and Richmond. I'm
willing to entertain all possiblities at this point. I also have some
leads with two national labor unions -- but those are in DC. There is
also an interesting lead with PBS -- and they're located in
Alexandria, VA which is not as bad as going all the way into DC --
about 45 minutes as opposed to 1.5 hours.

Thanks again for all the good things to think about. I knew this
group would come through!

Feeling stronger already,
~ Alicia

superdiva58us

Hi Sandra --
> That's an important thought, that there can be lessons someday.
Even after
> they're grown.

> I think it's good that Kirby has taken karate since he was 9, but
his teacher
> didn't start until he was 20. Lots of musicians started as adults.
Lots of
> artists. Lots of dancers, gymnasts and athletes have to quit by the
time
> they're adults because they've messed up their ankles or knees.
>
This is exactly what I needed to remember! I don't have to have
prodigies! They will never stop learning because they value learning!
Roger just came in to say that one of the older kids in the
neighborhood is offering to show Roger everything he knows on guitar.
Which reminds me that we can also learn a lot from our peers.

~ Alicia

superdiva58us

Virginia is pretty tight-fisted -- not a friendly state for poor
people. Here a family of three has to make less than $2600 a month in
order to qualify for the FAMIS Child Health Care program.

There are a lot of kids who should qualify for a lot of help and don't
get it because the family's income is just marginally over the line.

~ Alicia

--- In [email protected], Dana Matt <hoffmanwilson@y...>
wrote:
> In Arkansas the program is called ARKIDS and I'm
> > pretty sure it has no
> > pre-existing exemptions. It has two components, one
> > is Medicare and if
> > on that the family pays nothing, the other is for
> > the "working poor" and
> > then not everything is covered and you pay a $10
> > co-pay. The 1st one
> > requires a very low income but the second surprised
> > me in how generous
> > it was. I think the cut off was like $35,000 for a
> > family of 3...
>
> Washington's is even higher than this, I think,
> although we have a family of 4. We've been amazed
> that although we're quite "middle class" or at least
> it seems to us ;) we can qualify for insurance for the
> kids! Everyone we know uses it here...
> Dana
>
> =====
> Guadalupe's Coffee Roaster
> 100% Organic Fair Trade Coffee
> Roasted to Perfection Daily
> Free Home Delivery in Whatcom County
> (360) 715-1900
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! Mail - You care about security. So do we.
> http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail

julie w

Geez Louise and I thought Arkansas was stingy when it came to helping
folks....
Julie W in AR

superdiva58us wrote:

>
>Virginia is pretty tight-fisted -- not a friendly state for poor
>people. Here a family of three has to make less than $2600 a month in
>order to qualify for the FAMIS Child Health Care program.
>
>There are a lot of kids who should qualify for a lot of help and don't
>get it because the family's income is just marginally over the line.
>
>~ Alicia
>
>--- In [email protected], Dana Matt <hoffmanwilson@y...>
>wrote:
>
>
>> In Arkansas the program is called ARKIDS and I'm
>>
>>
>>>pretty sure it has no
>>>pre-existing exemptions. It has two components, one
>>>is Medicare and if
>>>on that the family pays nothing, the other is for
>>>the "working poor" and
>>>then not everything is covered and you pay a $10
>>>co-pay. The 1st one
>>>requires a very low income but the second surprised
>>>me in how generous
>>>it was. I think the cut off was like $35,000 for a
>>>family of 3...
>>>
>>>
>>Washington's is even higher than this, I think,
>>although we have a family of 4. We've been amazed
>>that although we're quite "middle class" or at least
>>it seems to us ;) we can qualify for insurance for the
>>kids! Everyone we know uses it here...
>>Dana
>>
>>=====
>>Guadalupe's Coffee Roaster
>>100% Organic Fair Trade Coffee
>>Roasted to Perfection Daily
>>Free Home Delivery in Whatcom County
>>(360) 715-1900
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>__________________________________
>>Do you Yahoo!?
>>Yahoo! Mail - You care about security. So do we.
>>http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail
>>
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

pam sorooshian

Alicia --

I have a good friend, an unschooling mom, who also lost her husband
just this past fall. She has twin daughters who are 17 and were already
in school, by their choice, and a 14 yo son who chose to continue to be
at home even though she has gone to work full time. Lots of other
people have stepped in to help give him rides so that he has been able
to participate in various activities. I wonder if you'd like to talk to
her - I'm sure she'd be willing and maybe it would be a good thing for
both of you?

-pam

pam sorooshian

On Jan 10, 2005, at 5:01 PM, superdiva58us wrote:

> I just don't want to be an imposition.

Alicia - try to get over thinking you're being an imposition - let
people help.

I've been helping my friend whose husband died - lots of people have
helped her family a lot - and it is not an "imposition," it is a
blessing to be in a position to be ABLE to help out and a privilege to
be trusted with her kids. We all know that it could be us needing the
help and that it is the right thing to do, to help out with the kids,
etc. People really want to feel that they can do something - it makes
life feel less ...capricious? Something like that. Let them help.

-pam

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/9/2005 11:22:18 AM Central Standard Time,
superdiva@... writes:

I'm looking for ideas and reassurances that we can continue our
unschooling lifestyle even if it means that my kids are home alone all
day long.



~~~
Alicia, I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I have listened to financial talk shows in the past, the advice always
seemed to be to not do anything drastic for at least a year, if you can help
it. But that was always given to people who had life insurance money.

I understand that things are weighing in on you, and the bills won't wait.
There is an urgency to having bills to pay that's just unbelievable.

However, I think the important thing is to keep your family together. I
think music lessons and the like can wait. I think this is an opportunity for
you and your kids to be more creative thinkers. I really hate the idea of you
going to work full-time with a long commute. Hate it. It's going to be sad
and hard and will be trading off way too much. Your kids lost their father,
and now they'll lose the presence of their mom, too? There have to be other
options.

Can you sell your house and move in somewhere cheaper? Your kids are big
enough that they can go to a park, instead of needing a big yard. Maybe you
could move into a low-maintenance townhouse or something like that? I like
that your son is willing to work. Moving into town might make that more
possible.

Could you take in more kids for longer hours? Maybe a couple of
mothers-day-out toddlers from 9-12?

Don't forget government services. Your situation is what they're there for.
No shame in it.

My heart is aching for you and your situation. I hope some of this can help.

Karen



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/9/2005 11:36:56 AM Central Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:

Are there grief counselling facilities where you are? Support groups or
lists? Things will probably hit later that haven't yet, for you and the
kids
both.



~~~
Ditto that.

And also, I thought there were prohibitions against excluding people for
pre-existing conditions these days? Something new in the law? My husband has
taken Prevacid for acid reflux for about 10 years, and before when he changed
jobs it was an issue, but this last time it was not. Something about a new
pre-existing conditions provision. It's worth checking out.

Karen


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

heasue2003

--- In [email protected], Barbi <jimbosmom2@y...> wrote:
>
>
First of all I want to say I am sorry for you loss. I wish I could
say more to express what I feel in my heart for you.

My advice to you is stick together, cuddle with your kids a lot and
include your husband in your life inspite of his physical absense.
What i mean is talk about him and let the children know what he would
expect of them, his interests, and so forth. Send balloons with
messages tied to them towards the heavens.

As far as finances goes, reach out to loved ones for help, your
church or a church.

I really like the idea of finding someone who homeschools and would
be willing to *homeschool* your kids while you work part time and
then you could return the favor. I have often thought about what I
would do if my husband passed away. I think that is what I would try
to do. I have a single friend who has two kids and she just left her
job to homeschool her boys. She has lived off of her summer public
school salary, used up all of her retirement money, and is hunting
desperately for a part time job. Meanwhile she is living with a
friend, turns to her church for help with groceries, and gives back
to these people in anyway she can.... watching thier kids, cleaning
the church building and etc.

Let us know how things are going. How old are your kids? Could they
be trusted to stay home alone?

Heather





Alicia, I'm so sorry for your loss.
> I'm sorry that Idon't really have any helpful ideas.
>
> I wouldn' suggest any drastic changes right away
> either. If you could manage a year I think it would
> truly help all three of you heal.
>
> =====
> Barbi ~
> Homeschooling Mom.
>
> If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> The all-new My Yahoo! - What will yours do?
> http://my.yahoo.com