How well does one get along with a 6yo?
mozafamily
Am I just expecting too much? To be able to get along with my 6yo ds
without feeling that we are against each other all of the time -
most of the time I feel he does things to make me upset. What a
horrible time! I asked him if he is upset with me or if I have done
something to make him so mad at the slightest thing, if he has a
problem to tell me and perhaps I can help him. Again today I am in
tears because I want to be able to "get along" with my son on some
small level that we are both happy and it's not happening. Does
anyone else have a 6yo or remember them at this age - what is going
on that I'm not seeing? Of course I'm saying "this age" because I'm
hoping that something inside of him is going to develop and work
itself out to a better disposition. I just can't accept that my son
has a nasty disposition - that he wants to continually argue with
me, that he wants to hit and yell at me, that he refuses to behave
humanely towards me. I just don't know how things have gotten this
bad, I knew we weren't perfect but I thought we were working to a
mutual level of understanding on some level.
What I have been trying to do is when he does something that is
inappropriate or violent I explain to him why people can't do that
so he can learn a better way to get what he wants. We are radical
unschoolers and he has no limits set on him, I try and help him get
what he wants and needs. We don't punish, we discuss, or at least I
try to but he prefers to yell, ignore me or hit me. I feel like I am
loosing him! Any input would probably be helpful - Thanks - Moza
without feeling that we are against each other all of the time -
most of the time I feel he does things to make me upset. What a
horrible time! I asked him if he is upset with me or if I have done
something to make him so mad at the slightest thing, if he has a
problem to tell me and perhaps I can help him. Again today I am in
tears because I want to be able to "get along" with my son on some
small level that we are both happy and it's not happening. Does
anyone else have a 6yo or remember them at this age - what is going
on that I'm not seeing? Of course I'm saying "this age" because I'm
hoping that something inside of him is going to develop and work
itself out to a better disposition. I just can't accept that my son
has a nasty disposition - that he wants to continually argue with
me, that he wants to hit and yell at me, that he refuses to behave
humanely towards me. I just don't know how things have gotten this
bad, I knew we weren't perfect but I thought we were working to a
mutual level of understanding on some level.
What I have been trying to do is when he does something that is
inappropriate or violent I explain to him why people can't do that
so he can learn a better way to get what he wants. We are radical
unschoolers and he has no limits set on him, I try and help him get
what he wants and needs. We don't punish, we discuss, or at least I
try to but he prefers to yell, ignore me or hit me. I feel like I am
loosing him! Any input would probably be helpful - Thanks - Moza
[email protected]
Hello,
I am Allie. I am a 26 year old Mom to a 6 year old son. I remember about 6
months ago the same thing was going on in my home. and it had been for at least
a year. My son was so nasty to everyone but mainly me. I got the worst of it.
He would continuously argue with me. I mean from the time he woke up till he
went to sleep, sleep, now that's a whole other story. it would take at least a
good hour to get him to lie down to go to sleep. He would hit me, he would
bite me, he would curse at me, he would smack me, he would kick me, anything you
can think of he would do. I cried and cried and cried. I did not know what to
do. I actually thought I was going to have to send him away. because we
ourselves don't believe in spanking.
Now please remember that I do have a special needs child. He has epilepsy,
allergies. asthma and ADHD.
I don't really know what changed all of that. i don't know if he just grew
out of it or what. but at the end of it all i decided that it would be OK for
him to see me cry. we are talking after close to a year of this, he finally seen
how it really made me feel. from then on we talked about things and if i felt
hurt enough to cry I did so. then he started to cry along with me. And we
talked more and more.
Now he is a different child towards me all together. I mean he is still
mischievous and rotten at times but it is no whereas intense as it use to be. And
we continue to talk. He helps me cook and clean. Everything I do pertaining to
house work he helps.
I don't know how, but its like he just decided to not be that way anymore.
I don't know if this will help you in any way, I hope it does but I do want
you to know you are not alone.
Allie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am Allie. I am a 26 year old Mom to a 6 year old son. I remember about 6
months ago the same thing was going on in my home. and it had been for at least
a year. My son was so nasty to everyone but mainly me. I got the worst of it.
He would continuously argue with me. I mean from the time he woke up till he
went to sleep, sleep, now that's a whole other story. it would take at least a
good hour to get him to lie down to go to sleep. He would hit me, he would
bite me, he would curse at me, he would smack me, he would kick me, anything you
can think of he would do. I cried and cried and cried. I did not know what to
do. I actually thought I was going to have to send him away. because we
ourselves don't believe in spanking.
Now please remember that I do have a special needs child. He has epilepsy,
allergies. asthma and ADHD.
I don't really know what changed all of that. i don't know if he just grew
out of it or what. but at the end of it all i decided that it would be OK for
him to see me cry. we are talking after close to a year of this, he finally seen
how it really made me feel. from then on we talked about things and if i felt
hurt enough to cry I did so. then he started to cry along with me. And we
talked more and more.
Now he is a different child towards me all together. I mean he is still
mischievous and rotten at times but it is no whereas intense as it use to be. And
we continue to talk. He helps me cook and clean. Everything I do pertaining to
house work he helps.
I don't know how, but its like he just decided to not be that way anymore.
I don't know if this will help you in any way, I hope it does but I do want
you to know you are not alone.
Allie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Christine ONeal
Some ideas that I've been given for help with my son are:
Reading The Explosive Child, this book really helped me a lot when it came to relating to my son.
Looking at his diet, does any particular food seem to affect his mood. Things like food dyes, gluten and dairy have been suggested as causing explosive behavior. I haven't been able to specifically track any triggers for my son, but I do find the less refined foods he eats the better his mood is. This is tricky since I don't control what my son eats. I kept a food journal for a few weeks where I wrote down everything he ate and how many fits and the severity he had. Once I was able to notice some connections, I talked about them with my son. I truly believe he doesn't like being out of control any more than I like it.
I find my son's much easier to get along with if I start his day with a deep back rub. It seems to help release a lot of tension from him and he is able to stay more in control. Massaging his knees and elbows seems to help to. When he is starting to melt down if I can rub his back it usually helps him calm down.
If I can remember to wrestle with my son a couple of times a day he is easier to get along with.
I've also found Rescue Remedy to work wonders when he is being particularly difficult (I hate using that word, but you know what I mean).
I know how difficult what you are going through is. I hope some of what I said can be helpful to you. There is a Yahoo group for people who have read The Explosive Child and are trying to follow the suggestions in the book. If you read the book and think it fits your son I can give you the address for the group.
Christy O
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Reading The Explosive Child, this book really helped me a lot when it came to relating to my son.
Looking at his diet, does any particular food seem to affect his mood. Things like food dyes, gluten and dairy have been suggested as causing explosive behavior. I haven't been able to specifically track any triggers for my son, but I do find the less refined foods he eats the better his mood is. This is tricky since I don't control what my son eats. I kept a food journal for a few weeks where I wrote down everything he ate and how many fits and the severity he had. Once I was able to notice some connections, I talked about them with my son. I truly believe he doesn't like being out of control any more than I like it.
I find my son's much easier to get along with if I start his day with a deep back rub. It seems to help release a lot of tension from him and he is able to stay more in control. Massaging his knees and elbows seems to help to. When he is starting to melt down if I can rub his back it usually helps him calm down.
If I can remember to wrestle with my son a couple of times a day he is easier to get along with.
I've also found Rescue Remedy to work wonders when he is being particularly difficult (I hate using that word, but you know what I mean).
I know how difficult what you are going through is. I hope some of what I said can be helpful to you. There is a Yahoo group for people who have read The Explosive Child and are trying to follow the suggestions in the book. If you read the book and think it fits your son I can give you the address for the group.
Christy O
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kay Alina
I find my son's much easier to get along with if I start his day with a deep
back rub. It seems to help release a lot of tension from him and he is able
to stay more in control. Massaging his knees and elbows seems to help to.
When he is starting to melt down if I can rub his back it usually helps him
calm down.
********************************************
Alexander is only four but I have also found when he is wound up in the
evening and having difficulty winding down, ten deep breaths help and I also
can put him to sleep by giving him a foot massage with sesame oil. It is a
little bit stinky but it literally knocks him out. I have no idea why but
it works.
back rub. It seems to help release a lot of tension from him and he is able
to stay more in control. Massaging his knees and elbows seems to help to.
When he is starting to melt down if I can rub his back it usually helps him
calm down.
********************************************
Alexander is only four but I have also found when he is wound up in the
evening and having difficulty winding down, ten deep breaths help and I also
can put him to sleep by giving him a foot massage with sesame oil. It is a
little bit stinky but it literally knocks him out. I have no idea why but
it works.
cynthia skagen
I have a now 7 year old who has been going through the same thing for more than a year. She has gotten better, but she can start out first thing in the morning terrorizing her still sleeping siblings and if I don't turn things around immediately this can go on all day long!
We have 5 kids ages 10,8,7,4 and one of them 17 months old. The youngest still breastfeeds and needs to be held and kept out of danger (he is very adventurous) so Parker resents the extra attention he gets. If I say anything kind or positive to anyone else in the family she expects me to immediatey do so with her. I try to talk with her and reassure her that I have enough love to share with everyone and that being kind to someone else in the family doesn't take anything away from her and that I always love her. She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job.
She screams and hollers if I talk too much about things. She actually hurts people in the family and seems to enjoy doing it! She bites, scratches, jumps on the backs of other resting children and manipulates the others. From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough and I am beside myself when she goes on a bloodthirsty (just kidding) rampage and then falls to the floor in a heap screaming , "cuddle me!!!!!!" At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left in her wake.
I have actually fantasized about finding a more suitable family for her to grow up in. With other people she can be absolutely sophisticated, upbeat and positive. She can be super helpful and delightful even. They tell me what a lovely person she is.
Things have gotten much better than they were. We have long stretches in the day when she is 'best buddies' with her sisters and she seems content. She does best when I start the morning cuddling her and sometimes reading to her- though she is learning to read and sometimes prefers to read to me. And she is really happy when we spend the day away from home playing, going places, doing things. She is quiet for hours when she does her artwork as she loves this.
Maybe I should have instead pursued a career. I certainly lack answers. One thing that seems to work best is creative thinking. When I get as creative with mothering as I would a piece of art or a story, where anything goes, I am met with peace and a happy Parker.
And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and wrong. When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! The kids actually have these long philosophical discussions about what you can and can't do in different parts of the world and what is right or wrong.
Moza, I hope my ramblings at least help you to feel that you are not alone. It helps me to share these feelings. I forget that one of the best ways to get through something is to talk about it. I just hold things inside and/or try to work it out with my husband. But we are both sort of feeling our way through these difficult times. I often admire cultures where there is a large extended family to rely on. If one person doesn't have the answer or the personal quality that is needed for a particular challenge, send in auntie or uncle- they have a way with so and so. Instead, I find that I am having to cultivate useful qualities out of necessity. Often I learn what to do by watching my children who are always learning and always teaching.
Cynthia
Am I just expecting too much? To be able to get along with my 6yo ds
without feeling that we are against each other all of the time -
most of the time I feel he does things to make me upset. What a
horrible time! I asked him if he is upset with me or if I have done
something to make him so mad at the slightest thing, if he has a
problem to tell me and perhaps I can help him. Again today I am in
tears because I want to be able to "get along" with my son on some
small level that we are both happy and it's not happening. Does
anyone else have a 6yo or remember them at this age - what is going
on that I'm not seeing? Of course I'm saying "this age" because I'm
hoping that something inside of him is going to develop and work
itself out to a better disposition. I just can't accept that my son
has a nasty disposition - that he wants to continually argue with
me, that he wants to hit and yell at me, that he refuses to behave
humanely towards me. I just don't know how things have gotten this
bad, I knew we weren't perfect but I thought we were working to a
mutual level of understanding on some level.
What I have been trying to do is when he does something that is
inappropriate or violent I explain to him why people can't do that
so he can learn a better way to get what he wants. We are radical
unschoolers and he has no limits set on him, I try and help him get
what he wants and needs. We don't punish, we discuss, or at least I
try to but he prefers to yell, ignore me or hit me. I feel like I am
loosing him! Any input would probably be helpful - Thanks - Moza
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We have 5 kids ages 10,8,7,4 and one of them 17 months old. The youngest still breastfeeds and needs to be held and kept out of danger (he is very adventurous) so Parker resents the extra attention he gets. If I say anything kind or positive to anyone else in the family she expects me to immediatey do so with her. I try to talk with her and reassure her that I have enough love to share with everyone and that being kind to someone else in the family doesn't take anything away from her and that I always love her. She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job.
She screams and hollers if I talk too much about things. She actually hurts people in the family and seems to enjoy doing it! She bites, scratches, jumps on the backs of other resting children and manipulates the others. From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough and I am beside myself when she goes on a bloodthirsty (just kidding) rampage and then falls to the floor in a heap screaming , "cuddle me!!!!!!" At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left in her wake.
I have actually fantasized about finding a more suitable family for her to grow up in. With other people she can be absolutely sophisticated, upbeat and positive. She can be super helpful and delightful even. They tell me what a lovely person she is.
Things have gotten much better than they were. We have long stretches in the day when she is 'best buddies' with her sisters and she seems content. She does best when I start the morning cuddling her and sometimes reading to her- though she is learning to read and sometimes prefers to read to me. And she is really happy when we spend the day away from home playing, going places, doing things. She is quiet for hours when she does her artwork as she loves this.
Maybe I should have instead pursued a career. I certainly lack answers. One thing that seems to work best is creative thinking. When I get as creative with mothering as I would a piece of art or a story, where anything goes, I am met with peace and a happy Parker.
And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and wrong. When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! The kids actually have these long philosophical discussions about what you can and can't do in different parts of the world and what is right or wrong.
Moza, I hope my ramblings at least help you to feel that you are not alone. It helps me to share these feelings. I forget that one of the best ways to get through something is to talk about it. I just hold things inside and/or try to work it out with my husband. But we are both sort of feeling our way through these difficult times. I often admire cultures where there is a large extended family to rely on. If one person doesn't have the answer or the personal quality that is needed for a particular challenge, send in auntie or uncle- they have a way with so and so. Instead, I find that I am having to cultivate useful qualities out of necessity. Often I learn what to do by watching my children who are always learning and always teaching.
Cynthia
Am I just expecting too much? To be able to get along with my 6yo ds
without feeling that we are against each other all of the time -
most of the time I feel he does things to make me upset. What a
horrible time! I asked him if he is upset with me or if I have done
something to make him so mad at the slightest thing, if he has a
problem to tell me and perhaps I can help him. Again today I am in
tears because I want to be able to "get along" with my son on some
small level that we are both happy and it's not happening. Does
anyone else have a 6yo or remember them at this age - what is going
on that I'm not seeing? Of course I'm saying "this age" because I'm
hoping that something inside of him is going to develop and work
itself out to a better disposition. I just can't accept that my son
has a nasty disposition - that he wants to continually argue with
me, that he wants to hit and yell at me, that he refuses to behave
humanely towards me. I just don't know how things have gotten this
bad, I knew we weren't perfect but I thought we were working to a
mutual level of understanding on some level.
What I have been trying to do is when he does something that is
inappropriate or violent I explain to him why people can't do that
so he can learn a better way to get what he wants. We are radical
unschoolers and he has no limits set on him, I try and help him get
what he wants and needs. We don't punish, we discuss, or at least I
try to but he prefers to yell, ignore me or hit me. I feel like I am
loosing him! Any input would probably be helpful - Thanks - Moza
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---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/19/04 9:12:42 AM, cynthiaskagen@... writes:
<< She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says
things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". >>
Have others done that to her? Refuse normal cooperation unless she performs
tasks?
<<I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job. >>
If she just doesn't brush her hair for days on end, it won't hurt her.
There are detanglers that can save her later. Would she go for a shorter
hairstyle?
<<From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough >>
It's real cuddling, and she really needs it. The quotation marks make it
seem that you doubt it somehow.
<<At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the
wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left in her
wake. >>
Can you cuddle her first, before the blows?
If she had a need for protein food or medication or insulin you probably
wouldn't wait until she was collapsed to take care of her. Maybe you could
schedule it like medication.
<<And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and wrong.
When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her
guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! >>
Maybe, really, she thinks you're not doing right when you don't cuddle her.
When one child needs more, it's okay (and better for everyone) if she gets
more.
Sandra
<< She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says
things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". >>
Have others done that to her? Refuse normal cooperation unless she performs
tasks?
<<I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job. >>
If she just doesn't brush her hair for days on end, it won't hurt her.
There are detanglers that can save her later. Would she go for a shorter
hairstyle?
<<From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough >>
It's real cuddling, and she really needs it. The quotation marks make it
seem that you doubt it somehow.
<<At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the
wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left in her
wake. >>
Can you cuddle her first, before the blows?
If she had a need for protein food or medication or insulin you probably
wouldn't wait until she was collapsed to take care of her. Maybe you could
schedule it like medication.
<<And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and wrong.
When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her
guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! >>
Maybe, really, she thinks you're not doing right when you don't cuddle her.
When one child needs more, it's okay (and better for everyone) if she gets
more.
Sandra
cynthia skagen
I am feeling really embarrassed for having shared on this thread. What I said was misconstrued, partly due to my own failings... I was short on time to begin with and didn't fill in all of the details. It was unfair for me to share such personal information about my daughter without her permission. Also it was foolish of me to join your group and just jump right in.
I need to clear up a few things.... I will do this because I honestly feel like I am now on the witness stand. Of course I cuddle my beautiful little daughter and quite regularly. Of course she gets extra attention in many different ways. She gets most of the 'turns' next to me in our enormous family bed, I hug her, spend time alone with her, help her to pursue her interests, she was tandem nursed until she was 2 1/2, I have devoted my efforts, for most of her life to attachment parenting. I am not perfect. It is funny how you get less and less perfect the more kids you have despite efforts to be better.
I am guilty of having climbed on and off of the wagon over the years- but the efforts have been truly heart felt and the results meaningful. Other factors as well... an international move just over a year ago, 5 moves since. Culture shock. An attempt at primary school- bad experience. Many changes.
I do not "wait until she is collapsed to take care of her." But when you are the parent of 5 closely spaced young children there is alot going on. Any respectable triage, must prioritise and act quickly- sometimes kives are in the balance, but everyone gets taken care of. Kids go through things. I believe that that was the topic I was responding to. Sometimes no matter how much the mother tries, the child still behaves badly, screams and goes through difficult changes.
If I have failed to prevent that at any time does that make me an cold, uncaring mother? Please, do not answer if it is going to be preachy. I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before. I shared the bit that I did because Moza wanted to know if other 6 y/o's behaved badly too.
Kind regards,
Cynthia
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 8/19/04 9:12:42 AM, cynthiaskagen@... writes:
<< She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says
things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". >>
Have others done that to her? Refuse normal cooperation unless she performs
tasks?
<<I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job. >>
If she just doesn't brush her hair for days on end, it won't hurt her.
There are detanglers that can save her later. Would she go for a shorter
hairstyle?
<<From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough >>
It's real cuddling, and she really needs it. The quotation marks make it
seem that you doubt it somehow.
<<At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the
wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left in her
wake. >>
Can you cuddle her first, before the blows?
If she had a need for protein food or medication or insulin you probably
wouldn't wait until she was collapsed to take care of her. Maybe you could
schedule it like medication.
<<And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and wrong.
When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her
guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! >>
Maybe, really, she thinks you're not doing right when you don't cuddle her.
When one child needs more, it's okay (and better for everyone) if she gets
more.
Sandra
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Win 1 of 4,000 free domain names from Yahoo! Enter now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I need to clear up a few things.... I will do this because I honestly feel like I am now on the witness stand. Of course I cuddle my beautiful little daughter and quite regularly. Of course she gets extra attention in many different ways. She gets most of the 'turns' next to me in our enormous family bed, I hug her, spend time alone with her, help her to pursue her interests, she was tandem nursed until she was 2 1/2, I have devoted my efforts, for most of her life to attachment parenting. I am not perfect. It is funny how you get less and less perfect the more kids you have despite efforts to be better.
I am guilty of having climbed on and off of the wagon over the years- but the efforts have been truly heart felt and the results meaningful. Other factors as well... an international move just over a year ago, 5 moves since. Culture shock. An attempt at primary school- bad experience. Many changes.
I do not "wait until she is collapsed to take care of her." But when you are the parent of 5 closely spaced young children there is alot going on. Any respectable triage, must prioritise and act quickly- sometimes kives are in the balance, but everyone gets taken care of. Kids go through things. I believe that that was the topic I was responding to. Sometimes no matter how much the mother tries, the child still behaves badly, screams and goes through difficult changes.
If I have failed to prevent that at any time does that make me an cold, uncaring mother? Please, do not answer if it is going to be preachy. I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before. I shared the bit that I did because Moza wanted to know if other 6 y/o's behaved badly too.
Kind regards,
Cynthia
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 8/19/04 9:12:42 AM, cynthiaskagen@... writes:
<< She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says
things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". >>
Have others done that to her? Refuse normal cooperation unless she performs
tasks?
<<I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job. >>
If she just doesn't brush her hair for days on end, it won't hurt her.
There are detanglers that can save her later. Would she go for a shorter
hairstyle?
<<From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough >>
It's real cuddling, and she really needs it. The quotation marks make it
seem that you doubt it somehow.
<<At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the
wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left in her
wake. >>
Can you cuddle her first, before the blows?
If she had a need for protein food or medication or insulin you probably
wouldn't wait until she was collapsed to take care of her. Maybe you could
schedule it like medication.
<<And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and wrong.
When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her
guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! >>
Maybe, really, she thinks you're not doing right when you don't cuddle her.
When one child needs more, it's okay (and better for everyone) if she gets
more.
Sandra
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Debra Kattler
I guess one can decide they aren't open to feedback but that doesn't
mean people aren't free to discuss the ideas raised. I agree with
Sandra that once you put the ideas out there, well they are out there
:-) The ideas discussed could also be helpful to someone else, even if
the original poster doesn't find them helpful.
Debra
mean people aren't free to discuss the ideas raised. I agree with
Sandra that once you put the ideas out there, well they are out there
:-) The ideas discussed could also be helpful to someone else, even if
the original poster doesn't find them helpful.
Debra
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> <<I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before.>>
>
> It's really okay for you to just read and never post, but it's not
> going to
> be okay to post and not want feedback.
>
> The purpose of the list is to discuss ideas.
>
> Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/20/04 12:20:21 AM, cynthiaskagen@... writes:
<< I need to clear up a few things.... I will do this because I
honestly feel like I am now on the witness stand. >>
When you write things, you choose your own words and punctuation.
When you post, you choose to post.
<<I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before.>>
It's really okay for you to just read and never post, but it's not going to
be okay to post and not want feedback.
The purpose of the list is to discuss ideas.
Sandra
<< I need to clear up a few things.... I will do this because I
honestly feel like I am now on the witness stand. >>
When you write things, you choose your own words and punctuation.
When you post, you choose to post.
<<I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before.>>
It's really okay for you to just read and never post, but it's not going to
be okay to post and not want feedback.
The purpose of the list is to discuss ideas.
Sandra
Gold Standard
Hi Cynthia et al!
I just joined this group and thankfully was warned that some comments may
appear harsh.
Cynthia, when I read your original post, I was appreciative that you offered
honestly and humbly. And your insight was inspirational. I know the feeling
of embarrassment and vulnerability after posting something and then hearing
the responses! It can certainly feel personally attacking! I think mostly
though, we just like to read our own brilliantly intelligent responses ;)
So here's mine, not necessarily directed at your post. I have four children
ages 15, 14, 12 and 10, so I fully appreciate the "I can't do it all" times
and have left many a child crying simply because there isn't another arm or
head or thought to offer in the moment. It is a very hard place to be in as
a mother...especially when we believe that all cries should be answered! I
see now at this point however how it all works out and that children crying
is a GOOD thing, and isn't something to be stopped or pacified, but welcomed
and respected as part of the child's healing. At the end of a tantrum, if
allowed or even encouraged to let it all out, I found my kids were so much
happier, calmer and most interesting to me, clearer in their thinking.
Sometimes though, I didn't have the attention to give and they just went
through their thing without my support, but I figured at least I wasn't
shaming or disapproving of them to add to their distress!
Something that can irk me is parents, often with their first child, doing
anything and everything in their power to make their child happy, or stop
their child from crying and tantrumming. It is one of my pet peeves, even
though I know logically that they are doing their best to be the best
parents they can be, as we all are. I agree with answering all babies and
children's cries with attention, love and support. I don't do it to stop
their crying or tantrum however, but to support the healing they are going
through by crying. Welcoming the cries as much as the laughter is one of my
goals.
Thanks for your input Cynthia! It was refreshing!
Jacki Knouse
mother to
Andrew 15
Max 14
Hannah 12
Cameron 10
-----Original Message-----
From: cynthia skagen [mailto:cynthiaskagen@...]
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2004 10:16 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] How well does one get along with a 6yo?
I am feeling really embarrassed for having shared on this thread. What
I said was misconstrued, partly due to my own failings... I was short on
time to begin with and didn't fill in all of the details. It was unfair for
me to share such personal information about my daughter without her
permission. Also it was foolish of me to join your group and just jump
right in.
I need to clear up a few things.... I will do this because I honestly
feel like I am now on the witness stand. Of course I cuddle my beautiful
little daughter and quite regularly. Of course she gets extra attention in
many different ways. She gets most of the 'turns' next to me in our enormous
family bed, I hug her, spend time alone with her, help her to pursue her
interests, she was tandem nursed until she was 2 1/2, I have devoted my
efforts, for most of her life to attachment parenting. I am not perfect. It
is funny how you get less and less perfect the more kids you have despite
efforts to be better.
I am guilty of having climbed on and off of the wagon over the years-
but the efforts have been truly heart felt and the results meaningful. Other
factors as well... an international move just over a year ago, 5 moves
since. Culture shock. An attempt at primary school- bad experience. Many
changes.
I do not "wait until she is collapsed to take care of her." But when
you are the parent of 5 closely spaced young children there is alot going
on. Any respectable triage, must prioritise and act quickly- sometimes kives
are in the balance, but everyone gets taken care of. Kids go through things.
I believe that that was the topic I was responding to. Sometimes no matter
how much the mother tries, the child still behaves badly, screams and goes
through difficult changes.
If I have failed to prevent that at any time does that make me an
cold, uncaring mother? Please, do not answer if it is going to be preachy.
I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before. I
shared the bit that I did because Moza wanted to know if other 6 y/o's
behaved badly too.
Kind regards,
Cynthia
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 8/19/04 9:12:42 AM, cynthiaskagen@... writes:
<< She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says
things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". >>
Have others done that to her? Refuse normal cooperation unless she performs
tasks?
<<I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job. >>
If she just doesn't brush her hair for days on end, it won't hurt her.
There are detanglers that can save her later. Would she go for a shorter
hairstyle?
<<From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough >>
It's real cuddling, and she really needs it. The quotation marks make it
seem that you doubt it somehow.
<<At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the
wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left
in her
wake. >>
Can you cuddle her first, before the blows?
If she had a need for protein food or medication or insulin you probably
wouldn't wait until she was collapsed to take care of her. Maybe you could
schedule it like medication.
<<And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and
wrong.
When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her
guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! >>
Maybe, really, she thinks you're not doing right when you don't cuddle her.
When one child needs more, it's okay (and better for everyone) if she gets
more.
Sandra
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
I just joined this group and thankfully was warned that some comments may
appear harsh.
Cynthia, when I read your original post, I was appreciative that you offered
honestly and humbly. And your insight was inspirational. I know the feeling
of embarrassment and vulnerability after posting something and then hearing
the responses! It can certainly feel personally attacking! I think mostly
though, we just like to read our own brilliantly intelligent responses ;)
So here's mine, not necessarily directed at your post. I have four children
ages 15, 14, 12 and 10, so I fully appreciate the "I can't do it all" times
and have left many a child crying simply because there isn't another arm or
head or thought to offer in the moment. It is a very hard place to be in as
a mother...especially when we believe that all cries should be answered! I
see now at this point however how it all works out and that children crying
is a GOOD thing, and isn't something to be stopped or pacified, but welcomed
and respected as part of the child's healing. At the end of a tantrum, if
allowed or even encouraged to let it all out, I found my kids were so much
happier, calmer and most interesting to me, clearer in their thinking.
Sometimes though, I didn't have the attention to give and they just went
through their thing without my support, but I figured at least I wasn't
shaming or disapproving of them to add to their distress!
Something that can irk me is parents, often with their first child, doing
anything and everything in their power to make their child happy, or stop
their child from crying and tantrumming. It is one of my pet peeves, even
though I know logically that they are doing their best to be the best
parents they can be, as we all are. I agree with answering all babies and
children's cries with attention, love and support. I don't do it to stop
their crying or tantrum however, but to support the healing they are going
through by crying. Welcoming the cries as much as the laughter is one of my
goals.
Thanks for your input Cynthia! It was refreshing!
Jacki Knouse
mother to
Andrew 15
Max 14
Hannah 12
Cameron 10
-----Original Message-----
From: cynthia skagen [mailto:cynthiaskagen@...]
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2004 10:16 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] How well does one get along with a 6yo?
I am feeling really embarrassed for having shared on this thread. What
I said was misconstrued, partly due to my own failings... I was short on
time to begin with and didn't fill in all of the details. It was unfair for
me to share such personal information about my daughter without her
permission. Also it was foolish of me to join your group and just jump
right in.
I need to clear up a few things.... I will do this because I honestly
feel like I am now on the witness stand. Of course I cuddle my beautiful
little daughter and quite regularly. Of course she gets extra attention in
many different ways. She gets most of the 'turns' next to me in our enormous
family bed, I hug her, spend time alone with her, help her to pursue her
interests, she was tandem nursed until she was 2 1/2, I have devoted my
efforts, for most of her life to attachment parenting. I am not perfect. It
is funny how you get less and less perfect the more kids you have despite
efforts to be better.
I am guilty of having climbed on and off of the wagon over the years-
but the efforts have been truly heart felt and the results meaningful. Other
factors as well... an international move just over a year ago, 5 moves
since. Culture shock. An attempt at primary school- bad experience. Many
changes.
I do not "wait until she is collapsed to take care of her." But when
you are the parent of 5 closely spaced young children there is alot going
on. Any respectable triage, must prioritise and act quickly- sometimes kives
are in the balance, but everyone gets taken care of. Kids go through things.
I believe that that was the topic I was responding to. Sometimes no matter
how much the mother tries, the child still behaves badly, screams and goes
through difficult changes.
If I have failed to prevent that at any time does that make me an
cold, uncaring mother? Please, do not answer if it is going to be preachy.
I am not looking for advice now. I was not requesting advice before. I
shared the bit that I did because Moza wanted to know if other 6 y/o's
behaved badly too.
Kind regards,
Cynthia
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 8/19/04 9:12:42 AM, cynthiaskagen@... writes:
<< She resists brushing her teeth and refuses to brush her hair. She says
things like, "Only if you do this or that will I brush my teeth". >>
Have others done that to her? Refuse normal cooperation unless she performs
tasks?
<<I often wonder if I have maybe chosen the wrong job. >>
If she just doesn't brush her hair for days on end, it won't hurt her.
There are detanglers that can save her later. Would she go for a shorter
hairstyle?
<<From her perspective I am not "cuddling" her enough >>
It's real cuddling, and she really needs it. The quotation marks make it
seem that you doubt it somehow.
<<At this stage I can't stop to cuddle her. I am too busy tending to the
wounds of her victims or clearing away the dangerous wreckage she has left
in her
wake. >>
Can you cuddle her first, before the blows?
If she had a need for protein food or medication or insulin you probably
wouldn't wait until she was collapsed to take care of her. Maybe you could
schedule it like medication.
<<And here is the thing.... she knows the difference between right and
wrong.
When we are at the beach or some other place I have often overheard her
guiding one of her siblings into making better moral choices! >>
Maybe, really, she thinks you're not doing right when you don't cuddle her.
When one child needs more, it's okay (and better for everyone) if she gets
more.
Sandra
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
---------------------------------
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To visit your group on the web, go to:
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To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
---------------------------------
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Win 1 of 4,000 free domain names from Yahoo! Enter now.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
denice
<<The ideas discussed could also be helpful to someone else, even if
the original poster doesn't find them helpful. >>
Amen. I sure do agree with this one. This thread has been so helpful to me,
and I'm thankful for those like Cynthia who have opened their hearts to talk
about difficult experiences with their children. Cynthia, while I read your
post, I was nodding my head, thinking about one of my own kids. I also
appreciated Sandra's response.
It's been a great relief to me to read that others have such issues and
difficulities. So often, I read the wonderful stories from unschooling/AP
parents and despair that I must be the only one who has a child leaving such
destruction in his/her wake. It's comforting to know that not all
unschooling/AP parents have perfect children. ;-)
I'm thankful for all who share.
denice
the original poster doesn't find them helpful. >>
Amen. I sure do agree with this one. This thread has been so helpful to me,
and I'm thankful for those like Cynthia who have opened their hearts to talk
about difficult experiences with their children. Cynthia, while I read your
post, I was nodding my head, thinking about one of my own kids. I also
appreciated Sandra's response.
It's been a great relief to me to read that others have such issues and
difficulities. So often, I read the wonderful stories from unschooling/AP
parents and despair that I must be the only one who has a child leaving such
destruction in his/her wake. It's comforting to know that not all
unschooling/AP parents have perfect children. ;-)
I'm thankful for all who share.
denice
[email protected]
Hello~ I'm new here, too. My name is Christy and I have 4 children -
ages 13, 8 (girls), 4 & 1 (boys). I have been here just long enough to
read Moza's first post about her 6yo. I have gotten so much out of what
everyone has said and can identify with so much, too. I cried reading
many of your posts on the topic.
Denice, I love how you said that it is refreshing to hear that
unschooling/AP parents also have children who leave destruction in their
wake. I can really relate to this! All that I have been reading about
everyone's 6yo's reminds me so much of my 4yo. He and my 1yo are so
jealous of each other. I try to offer them both my time alone, but my
4yo just always seems angry. He often trips the baby, hits him, etc.
It's enough to make me feel like I'm not cut out for this job. This is
where I can really relate to you, Cynthia! I'm thankful you shared your
story with us.
And Jacki, I completely agree with you on the crying issue. Our job is
not to get them to stop, but to help them get through it.
Christy
"Every act of love is a work of peace, no matter how small."
~Mother Teresa
ages 13, 8 (girls), 4 & 1 (boys). I have been here just long enough to
read Moza's first post about her 6yo. I have gotten so much out of what
everyone has said and can identify with so much, too. I cried reading
many of your posts on the topic.
Denice, I love how you said that it is refreshing to hear that
unschooling/AP parents also have children who leave destruction in their
wake. I can really relate to this! All that I have been reading about
everyone's 6yo's reminds me so much of my 4yo. He and my 1yo are so
jealous of each other. I try to offer them both my time alone, but my
4yo just always seems angry. He often trips the baby, hits him, etc.
It's enough to make me feel like I'm not cut out for this job. This is
where I can really relate to you, Cynthia! I'm thankful you shared your
story with us.
And Jacki, I completely agree with you on the crying issue. Our job is
not to get them to stop, but to help them get through it.
Christy
"Every act of love is a work of peace, no matter how small."
~Mother Teresa
Carla Tucker
Hi Jacki (and Christy) welcome to the list.
And thanks, Jacki for the comment below. I try to keep in mind that I don't
have to sooth every cry, but sometimes it feels like I am not doing my job
if one of my girls is crying. It helps to be reminded that AP parenting
doesn't mean your kids don't cry, simply that you are there for them if they
need to be crying at that moment.
Carla
-----Original Message-----
From: Gold Standard [mailto:contact@...]
to support the healing they are going
through by crying. Welcoming the cries as much as the laughter is one of my
goals.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
And thanks, Jacki for the comment below. I try to keep in mind that I don't
have to sooth every cry, but sometimes it feels like I am not doing my job
if one of my girls is crying. It helps to be reminded that AP parenting
doesn't mean your kids don't cry, simply that you are there for them if they
need to be crying at that moment.
Carla
-----Original Message-----
From: Gold Standard [mailto:contact@...]
to support the healing they are going
through by crying. Welcoming the cries as much as the laughter is one of my
goals.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Game-Enthusiast
I understand that when a child is sad because something got broken or they
were disappointed by something (like something was cancelled that they
looked forward to) that it's healthy for them to be able to get their
emotions out with a good cry. I wouldn't try to stop something like that, I
would just tell them that I understood how disappointed they were and hold
them while they cried, if they wanted that. But what frustrates me is when
I see a child having a tantrum because someone didn't understand what they
were trying to convey (or didn't bother to listen because they were too busy
doing their own thing) and the child got frustrated and then they just leave
them alone while they have their tantrum because it's *healthy* to let hem
cry it out of their system.
I have been around small children many times who I could see were trying to
ask for something or tell someone something and because the person whom they
were trying to communicate didn't understand (imo, didn't take the time to
try to understand or listen to them) them they ended up having a tantrum. I
could see it coming a mile away. <now I try to intervene more on the
child's behalf but didn't always in the past, depending on the
circumstances.> So, eventually, the child is having an all out tantrum and
they are either punished for it, or *allowed to express their emotion
because it's considered healthy. (i.e.. ignored) I just think that if
parents took the time more often to listen to their children and take their
needs and wants seriously, that the child wouldn't feel the need to tantrum
in the first place.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
were disappointed by something (like something was cancelled that they
looked forward to) that it's healthy for them to be able to get their
emotions out with a good cry. I wouldn't try to stop something like that, I
would just tell them that I understood how disappointed they were and hold
them while they cried, if they wanted that. But what frustrates me is when
I see a child having a tantrum because someone didn't understand what they
were trying to convey (or didn't bother to listen because they were too busy
doing their own thing) and the child got frustrated and then they just leave
them alone while they have their tantrum because it's *healthy* to let hem
cry it out of their system.
I have been around small children many times who I could see were trying to
ask for something or tell someone something and because the person whom they
were trying to communicate didn't understand (imo, didn't take the time to
try to understand or listen to them) them they ended up having a tantrum. I
could see it coming a mile away. <now I try to intervene more on the
child's behalf but didn't always in the past, depending on the
circumstances.> So, eventually, the child is having an all out tantrum and
they are either punished for it, or *allowed to express their emotion
because it's considered healthy. (i.e.. ignored) I just think that if
parents took the time more often to listen to their children and take their
needs and wants seriously, that the child wouldn't feel the need to tantrum
in the first place.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vijay Berry Owens
ITA.
It's so important IMO to be respectful of a child's feelings and to
allow them to go through "big emotions" and not just expect or coerce
them into being/acting happy all the time. It's hard to see them
unhappy, and the temptation is strong to just "jolly" them right back
into a good mood, but this isn't natural IMO. They need that release. I
know I sometimes feel SO much better after a good cry. It can even carry
over to feeling better the next day.
DD cries sometimes when her Elmo videos end because she loves them so
much she just wishes they could go on forever. I usually just offer a
hug if she wants it, but I don't push myself on her, and I just say, "I
understand that you're sad it's over," and other sympathetic words in a
kind tone, but I don't try to stop her from crying.
DH walked in just as she burst into tears the other day because one
ended and he started laughing. I totally understood why, it was a really
cute cry at the same time as it made me sad to see her so sad. But I
didn't want him getting into the habit of laughing at her every time she
gets upset just because it is cute in a way.
She gets over being upset really quickly, sometimes starts laughing and
smiling while the big fat tears are still rolling down her cheeks, lol.
But I just remember my dad being so amused when I would get upset about
something and that would just make me even more mad and I felt really
belittled. So I told DH to restrain his laughter if he could.
I guess I'm not letting him have his feelings, lol. I'm contradicting
myself! I guess it's okay for him to feel amused, as long as he isn't so
blatant about it that he makes her feel worse. KWIM?
-Vijay
SAHM to Charlotte, 15 months
It's so important IMO to be respectful of a child's feelings and to
allow them to go through "big emotions" and not just expect or coerce
them into being/acting happy all the time. It's hard to see them
unhappy, and the temptation is strong to just "jolly" them right back
into a good mood, but this isn't natural IMO. They need that release. I
know I sometimes feel SO much better after a good cry. It can even carry
over to feeling better the next day.
DD cries sometimes when her Elmo videos end because she loves them so
much she just wishes they could go on forever. I usually just offer a
hug if she wants it, but I don't push myself on her, and I just say, "I
understand that you're sad it's over," and other sympathetic words in a
kind tone, but I don't try to stop her from crying.
DH walked in just as she burst into tears the other day because one
ended and he started laughing. I totally understood why, it was a really
cute cry at the same time as it made me sad to see her so sad. But I
didn't want him getting into the habit of laughing at her every time she
gets upset just because it is cute in a way.
She gets over being upset really quickly, sometimes starts laughing and
smiling while the big fat tears are still rolling down her cheeks, lol.
But I just remember my dad being so amused when I would get upset about
something and that would just make me even more mad and I felt really
belittled. So I told DH to restrain his laughter if he could.
I guess I'm not letting him have his feelings, lol. I'm contradicting
myself! I guess it's okay for him to feel amused, as long as he isn't so
blatant about it that he makes her feel worse. KWIM?
-Vijay
SAHM to Charlotte, 15 months
On Saturday, August 21, 2004, at 10:50 AM, Game-Enthusiast wrote:
> I understand that when a child is sad because something got broken or
> they
> were disappointed by something (like something was cancelled that they
> looked forward to) that it's healthy for them to be able to get their
> emotions out with a good cry. I wouldn't try to stop something like
> that, I
> would just tell them that I understood how disappointed they were and
> hold
> them while they cried, if they wanted that.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
<< But I
didn't want him getting into the habit of laughing at her every time she
gets upset just because it is cute in a way.
My kids are all more short-tempered and more easily emotional if they haven't
had protein. Twice a day seems enough to prevent that but it can be bad if
they end up somehow going 20 hours or so without protein (anime conventions,
for Kirby; camping maybe for the other two, or having other kids over for long
periods and not noticing they've only eaten pancakes and cereal and chips since
they got up, and it's late in the day).
I disagree about letting kids cry.
There was a widely expressed "truth" for many years that crying was the only
exercise infants got, so it was GOOD to let them cry in the crib. Parents who
picked them up were doing them a grave disservice.
I don't believe a bit of that, and I don't really like related ideas proposed
as good and true on a list which should always lean toward attachment parent
ing and compassion for children.
Sandra
didn't want him getting into the habit of laughing at her every time she
gets upset just because it is cute in a way.
>>If she's really crying, it's not to be cute, I'm sure.
My kids are all more short-tempered and more easily emotional if they haven't
had protein. Twice a day seems enough to prevent that but it can be bad if
they end up somehow going 20 hours or so without protein (anime conventions,
for Kirby; camping maybe for the other two, or having other kids over for long
periods and not noticing they've only eaten pancakes and cereal and chips since
they got up, and it's late in the day).
I disagree about letting kids cry.
There was a widely expressed "truth" for many years that crying was the only
exercise infants got, so it was GOOD to let them cry in the crib. Parents who
picked them up were doing them a grave disservice.
I don't believe a bit of that, and I don't really like related ideas proposed
as good and true on a list which should always lean toward attachment parent
ing and compassion for children.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/21/04 9:00:10 AM, game-enthusiast@... writes:
<< But what frustrates me is when
I see a child having a tantrum because someone didn't understand what they
were trying to convey (or didn't bother to listen because they were too busy
doing their own thing) and the child got frustrated and then they just leave
them alone while they have their tantrum because it's *healthy* to let hem
cry it out of their system.
To ignore a child and then say "Ah, crying is good for you" is heartless.
Sandra
<< But what frustrates me is when
I see a child having a tantrum because someone didn't understand what they
were trying to convey (or didn't bother to listen because they were too busy
doing their own thing) and the child got frustrated and then they just leave
them alone while they have their tantrum because it's *healthy* to let hem
cry it out of their system.
>>I agree.
To ignore a child and then say "Ah, crying is good for you" is heartless.
Sandra
Game-Enthusiast
Have you considered rewinding it and playing it again?
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
------------------------------
DD cries sometimes when her Elmo videos end because she loves them so
much she just wishes they could go on forever.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
------------------------------
DD cries sometimes when her Elmo videos end because she loves them so
much she just wishes they could go on forever.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vijay Berry Owens
On Saturday, August 21, 2004, at 11:44 AM, SandraDodd@... wrote:
just that it might strike some people as being cute if they saw it. It's
SO dramatic and nothing is really wrong. She's not hungry, tired, in
pain, etc. she's just experiencing a momentary disappointment that
passes quickly whether I intervene or not. I offer her a hug and
sometimes she takes me up on it, sometimes she just shakes her head and
goes to her toybox to find something to play with.
sometimes she gets upset anyway. She's very small still, and doesn't
have the level of understanding about emotions and their underlying
causes that your kids have. I wouldn't say she is short-tempered, just
strong-willed and sensitive. So I guess there is a personality
difference as well as an age difference.
responded to when they cry?
as a newborn so I wore her in a sling all the time. I would never
advocate letting a newborn cry without attempting to cuddle it or feed
it etc. I was talking about a toddler who was just having a little
trouble shifting gears from one activity or one state to another and
having a momentary outburst. If she cried for a long time, clearly I
would do whatever I needed to do to comfort her, but she only cries for
a minute and then is happy again. Sometimes she needs a snuggle to
bounce back, sometimes she doesn't. But I am totally here for her,
whatever she needs.
when they cry. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear in my original post. I am
just not one to force my daughter to hug or snuggle if she doesn't want
to, and I tend to let her work her emotions out on her own if that seems
like what she wants to do. It's not neglect or coldness on my part.
Believe me, we are firmly attached. :-)
-Vijay
SAHM to Charlotte, 15 months
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> << But IJust to be clear I never said she was doing it intentionally to be cute,
>
> didn't want him getting into the habit of laughing at her every time she
>
> gets upset just because it is cute in a way.
>
> >>
>
> If she's really crying, it's not to be cute, I'm sure.
just that it might strike some people as being cute if they saw it. It's
SO dramatic and nothing is really wrong. She's not hungry, tired, in
pain, etc. she's just experiencing a momentary disappointment that
passes quickly whether I intervene or not. I offer her a hug and
sometimes she takes me up on it, sometimes she just shakes her head and
goes to her toybox to find something to play with.
>ITA agree that she is more likely to get upset if she is hungry. But
> My kids are all more short-tempered and more easily emotional if they
> haven't
> had protein. Twice a day seems enough to prevent that but it can be
> bad if
> they end up somehow going 20 hours or so without protein (anime
> conventions,
> for Kirby; camping maybe for the other two, or having other kids over
> for long
> periods and not noticing they've only eaten pancakes and cereal and
> chips since
> they got up, and it's late in the day).
sometimes she gets upset anyway. She's very small still, and doesn't
have the level of understanding about emotions and their underlying
causes that your kids have. I wouldn't say she is short-tempered, just
strong-willed and sensitive. So I guess there is a personality
difference as well as an age difference.
>In ANY context? Or just in a neglectful way where kids are never
> I disagree about letting kids cry.
responded to when they cry?
>This is TOTALLY not what I was talking about. DD was a VERY fussy baby
> There was a widely expressed "truth" for many years that crying was the
> only
> exercise infants got, so it was GOOD to let them cry in the crib.
> Parents who
> picked them up were doing them a grave disservice.
as a newborn so I wore her in a sling all the time. I would never
advocate letting a newborn cry without attempting to cuddle it or feed
it etc. I was talking about a toddler who was just having a little
trouble shifting gears from one activity or one state to another and
having a momentary outburst. If she cried for a long time, clearly I
would do whatever I needed to do to comfort her, but she only cries for
a minute and then is happy again. Sometimes she needs a snuggle to
bounce back, sometimes she doesn't. But I am totally here for her,
whatever she needs.
>I DO practice AP and I am not proposing that people ignore their kids
> I don't believe a bit of that, and I don't really like related ideas
> proposed
> as good and true on a list which should always lean toward attachment
> parent
> ing and compassion for children.
when they cry. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear in my original post. I am
just not one to force my daughter to hug or snuggle if she doesn't want
to, and I tend to let her work her emotions out on her own if that seems
like what she wants to do. It's not neglect or coldness on my part.
Believe me, we are firmly attached. :-)
-Vijay
SAHM to Charlotte, 15 months
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tia Leschke
>I haven't seen anyone here arguing for that point of view.
>I disagree about letting kids cry.
>
>There was a widely expressed "truth" for many years that crying was the only
>exercise infants got, so it was GOOD to let them cry in the crib. Parents who
>picked them up were doing them a grave disservice.
>I don't believe a bit of that, and I don't really like related ideas proposedThere's a big difference between just "letting kids cry" and not trying to
>as good and true on a list which should always lean toward attachment parent
>ing and compassion for children.
stop them from crying. The person who is not trying to stop them from
crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense the child needs
at the time. It's just that their purpose is to support the child in
dealing with their emotions rather than just trying to change their
emotions. I think it's an important point.
I know I still hate it when someone comforts me in a way that says to me
that my crying upsets them, and they want it to stop for that reason.
Sometimes crying is exactly what I need. Maybe I need someone to hug me
while I cry, and maybe I don't, but I need that cry. What I don't need is
efforts to jolly me out of what I'm feeling right then. I think that's the
point that was being made.
Tia
Vijay Berry Owens
Oh absolutely. She sometimes watches them three times in a row. I'm not
one of those "TV is evil" types. She has little or no interest in TV in
general but Sesame Street she loves.
Sometimes it's just time to move on to the next thing. Either we have to
leave the house to go somewhere, or it's time for bath, a meal, bed,
etc. I don't just turn it off arbitrarily just to be controlling.
She's not able to say, "I'm tired, I need a nap" at her age, or "I'm
hungry, I need food." Although sometimes she has (smacks her lips to
indicate eating) asked for food it's rare. It's up to me to look for the
cues that she's tired or hungry and make a judgement call. I can't just
decide not to feed her or not to put her down for naps or never leave
the house in order to let her watch TV.
When she gets a little older I'm sure she'll figure it out (sleepiness,
hunger) because I'll let her.
-Vijay
one of those "TV is evil" types. She has little or no interest in TV in
general but Sesame Street she loves.
Sometimes it's just time to move on to the next thing. Either we have to
leave the house to go somewhere, or it's time for bath, a meal, bed,
etc. I don't just turn it off arbitrarily just to be controlling.
She's not able to say, "I'm tired, I need a nap" at her age, or "I'm
hungry, I need food." Although sometimes she has (smacks her lips to
indicate eating) asked for food it's rare. It's up to me to look for the
cues that she's tired or hungry and make a judgement call. I can't just
decide not to feed her or not to put her down for naps or never leave
the house in order to let her watch TV.
When she gets a little older I'm sure she'll figure it out (sleepiness,
hunger) because I'll let her.
-Vijay
On Saturday, August 21, 2004, at 12:40 PM, Game-Enthusiast wrote:
> Have you considered rewinding it and playing it again?
>
> Angela
> game-enthusiast@...
>
> ------------------------------
>
> DD cries sometimes when her Elmo videos end because she loves them so
> much she just wishes they could go on forever.
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vijay Berry Owens
That's just exactly what I meant, thank you. I would love it if DD never
cried, but that's not realistic.
But just because she's having feelings that make me uncomfortable
doesn't mean that I shouldn't let her have them. It's not about me, it's
about her.
IMO.
-Vijay
cried, but that's not realistic.
But just because she's having feelings that make me uncomfortable
doesn't mean that I shouldn't let her have them. It's not about me, it's
about her.
IMO.
-Vijay
On Saturday, August 21, 2004, at 01:25 PM, Tia Leschke wrote:
> There's a big difference between just "letting kids cry" and not trying
> to
> stop them from crying. The person who is not trying to stop them from
> crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense the child
> needs
> at the time. It's just that their purpose is to support the child in
> dealing with their emotions rather than just trying to change their
> emotions. I think it's an important point.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
averyschmidt
> Sometimes it's just time to move on to the next thing. Either wehave to
> leave the house to go somewhere, or it's time for bath, a meal,bed,
> etc. I don't just turn it off arbitrarily just to be controlling.If your daughter would rather watch Elmo again than take a bath or
eat a meal or go to bed, it will feel just as controlling to her as
if you turned it off arbitrarily though.
Can't she eat a meal *with* Elmo? Fall asleep with Elmo?
Take a bath tomorrow?
Patti
averyschmidt
> There's a big difference between just "letting kids cry" and nottrying to
> stop them from crying. The person who is not trying to stop themfrom
> crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense thechild needs
> at the time. It's just that their purpose is to support the childin
> dealing with their emotions rather than just trying to changetheir
> emotions. I think it's an important point.I do too. Sometimes my older sons hold in their feelings until they
are in a safe place to "let it all out."
There was an incident at the beach today that really upset my 9yo-
too many details to get into- but he held in the tears for a good
ten minutes until he was alone with me to tell me about it. All it
took was me sitting close, rubbing his back, and sympathetically
listening/responding for the floodgates to burst, and he was much
happier afterward. It was like the slate was clean again after his
feelings were expressed. I "let" him cry, but in a good way.
It wouldn't have done any good, IMO, for me to have distracted him
or changed the subject to a happier one in order to keep him from
crying. What he needed was a cry.
It's different from "letting" someone cry after *you're* the one
who's given him a reason to do so (as is the case with a baby alone
in a crib and not picked up on cue).
Patti
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/21/2004 11:20:56 AM Mountain Daylight Time,
vijayowens@... writes:
responded to when they cry?
==========
Mostly neglectful, but to let them cry alone instead of offering them
comfort, I think I disagree in any context.
-=-This is TOTALLY not what I was talking about. -=-
I was talking about crying in general and its history, and this list, and the
ideas related to crying.
Discussing ideas related to unschooling is going to involve related ideas
more than just what one person is discussing.
-=- I would never
advocate letting a newborn cry without attempting to cuddle it or feed
it etc.-=-
Me either.
Some people do.
The original poster was speaking of the middle of five children, I believe,
and advocating letting kids cry. Please don't get personal (with one baby)
and make it about you. It's about the ideas.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
vijayowens@... writes:
> I disagree about letting kids cry.In ANY context? Or just in a neglectful way where kids are never
responded to when they cry?
==========
Mostly neglectful, but to let them cry alone instead of offering them
comfort, I think I disagree in any context.
-=-This is TOTALLY not what I was talking about. -=-
I was talking about crying in general and its history, and this list, and the
ideas related to crying.
Discussing ideas related to unschooling is going to involve related ideas
more than just what one person is discussing.
-=- I would never
advocate letting a newborn cry without attempting to cuddle it or feed
it etc.-=-
Me either.
Some people do.
The original poster was speaking of the middle of five children, I believe,
and advocating letting kids cry. Please don't get personal (with one baby)
and make it about you. It's about the ideas.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/21/2004 12:31:35 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
leschke@... writes:
The person who is not trying to stop them from
crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense the child needs
at the time.
===========
Might be.
Not all. It's a continuum.
-=-The person who is not trying to stop them from
crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense the child needs
at the time. It's just that their purpose is to support the child in
dealing with their emotions rather than just trying to change their
emotions. I think it's an important point.
-=-
It is an important point, but that's not the point I thought was being made.
-=I know I still hate it when someone comforts me in a way that says to me
that my crying upsets them, and they want it to stop for that reason.
Sometimes crying is exactly what I need. Maybe I need someone to hug me
while I cry, and maybe I don't, but I need that cry. What I don't need is
efforts to jolly me out of what I'm feeling right then. I think that's the
point that was being made.-=-
If your crying is because your husband is being mean to you or ignoring you,
then the cry will make you feel better, but perhaps it's something that could
be avoided sometimes in the future.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
leschke@... writes:
The person who is not trying to stop them from
crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense the child needs
at the time.
===========
Might be.
Not all. It's a continuum.
-=-The person who is not trying to stop them from
crying is still there for them, doing whatever they sense the child needs
at the time. It's just that their purpose is to support the child in
dealing with their emotions rather than just trying to change their
emotions. I think it's an important point.
-=-
It is an important point, but that's not the point I thought was being made.
-=I know I still hate it when someone comforts me in a way that says to me
that my crying upsets them, and they want it to stop for that reason.
Sometimes crying is exactly what I need. Maybe I need someone to hug me
while I cry, and maybe I don't, but I need that cry. What I don't need is
efforts to jolly me out of what I'm feeling right then. I think that's the
point that was being made.-=-
If your crying is because your husband is being mean to you or ignoring you,
then the cry will make you feel better, but perhaps it's something that could
be avoided sometimes in the future.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vijay Berry Owens
She cannot eat with Elmo because we eat in the kitchen and there is no
DVD player in the kitchen. She cannot eat in the living room because
there is white wall to wall carpeting (not my idea) and she is only 15
months old and she is a messy eater. She doesn't get the concept of "if
you are neat you can eat in the living room and continue to watch
videos." Sometimes when I know she is hungry but I don't want to turn
off the video, I give her a piece of bread to eat while she watches. But
when the video ends, we go eat a meal in the kitchen. If it were up to
me, I would have a wood or linoleum floor that could be cleaned more
easily than carpet, but it's not my decision to make.
So she watches her video 3 times in a row, or 4 different videos, or
what have you, and then when it's time to eat, we turn the TV off and go
in the kitchen. She cries sometimes, but it's just for a minute and it's
not every time. As soon as she is settled in her high chair she starts
pointing happily to all of the different foods she wants to eat because
she realizes she is hungry.
She needs to take a bath every night because it is part of our "winding
down" routine for bed. She is a frequent waker at night, and the bath
can make the difference between waking 5 or more times and waking only
twice. She loves taking baths. She acts unhappy when the video ends, but
she starts to perk up as she sees the water filling the tub. Once she is
in the bath with all of her bath toys and bubbles she has a blast. Why
would I want to deny her that so she can watch a video a 4th or 5th time?
She cannot fall asleep with Elmo because that's not the kind of kid she
is. No matter how tired she is, she would *never* just doze off in front
of a video. She would sit there crying, rubbing her eyes, pulling on her
ears and her hair first. Why would I do that to her? She requires a
routine in order to get the idea that it's time to go to bed. It's not
based on the clock. I pay attention to her cues. No matter how early it
is, if she seems tired, then we start the routine. Usually I read her
correctly, but if I made a mistake and she isn't sleepy after all, then
we get up and play or read more books until she really is sleepy.
If she doesn't seem tired I let her stay up until she is. But if she
gets overtired she takes even longer to fall asleep, she gets very poor
sleep, and is in a very bad mood the next day, as am I from being woken
so frequently. So I have to wait until she is tired, but not too tired
to start the winding down routine.
I give my daughter what she needs when she needs it, and what she wants
when she wants it (within reason). I let her decide what to eat and how
much to eat for example. I let her choose what books we read and how
many times we read them. I let her decide what video to watch and how
many times to watch it until as I said before, it's just time to move on
for the reasons I've mentioned. It's not arbitrary or controlling for
control's sake.
I let her decide when she wants to go outside and when she wants to come
back in, what toys she wants to play with, etc. etc. She is not capable
of deciding when it is time to eat yet or when it is time to go to bed.
When she is old enough to know what she needs in those areas, I will let
her decide. If she wants to skip a meal or a bath and watch TV instead,
that's her choice. But she is too young IMO to make that choice right
now.
-Vijay
DVD player in the kitchen. She cannot eat in the living room because
there is white wall to wall carpeting (not my idea) and she is only 15
months old and she is a messy eater. She doesn't get the concept of "if
you are neat you can eat in the living room and continue to watch
videos." Sometimes when I know she is hungry but I don't want to turn
off the video, I give her a piece of bread to eat while she watches. But
when the video ends, we go eat a meal in the kitchen. If it were up to
me, I would have a wood or linoleum floor that could be cleaned more
easily than carpet, but it's not my decision to make.
So she watches her video 3 times in a row, or 4 different videos, or
what have you, and then when it's time to eat, we turn the TV off and go
in the kitchen. She cries sometimes, but it's just for a minute and it's
not every time. As soon as she is settled in her high chair she starts
pointing happily to all of the different foods she wants to eat because
she realizes she is hungry.
She needs to take a bath every night because it is part of our "winding
down" routine for bed. She is a frequent waker at night, and the bath
can make the difference between waking 5 or more times and waking only
twice. She loves taking baths. She acts unhappy when the video ends, but
she starts to perk up as she sees the water filling the tub. Once she is
in the bath with all of her bath toys and bubbles she has a blast. Why
would I want to deny her that so she can watch a video a 4th or 5th time?
She cannot fall asleep with Elmo because that's not the kind of kid she
is. No matter how tired she is, she would *never* just doze off in front
of a video. She would sit there crying, rubbing her eyes, pulling on her
ears and her hair first. Why would I do that to her? She requires a
routine in order to get the idea that it's time to go to bed. It's not
based on the clock. I pay attention to her cues. No matter how early it
is, if she seems tired, then we start the routine. Usually I read her
correctly, but if I made a mistake and she isn't sleepy after all, then
we get up and play or read more books until she really is sleepy.
If she doesn't seem tired I let her stay up until she is. But if she
gets overtired she takes even longer to fall asleep, she gets very poor
sleep, and is in a very bad mood the next day, as am I from being woken
so frequently. So I have to wait until she is tired, but not too tired
to start the winding down routine.
I give my daughter what she needs when she needs it, and what she wants
when she wants it (within reason). I let her decide what to eat and how
much to eat for example. I let her choose what books we read and how
many times we read them. I let her decide what video to watch and how
many times to watch it until as I said before, it's just time to move on
for the reasons I've mentioned. It's not arbitrary or controlling for
control's sake.
I let her decide when she wants to go outside and when she wants to come
back in, what toys she wants to play with, etc. etc. She is not capable
of deciding when it is time to eat yet or when it is time to go to bed.
When she is old enough to know what she needs in those areas, I will let
her decide. If she wants to skip a meal or a bath and watch TV instead,
that's her choice. But she is too young IMO to make that choice right
now.
-Vijay
On Saturday, August 21, 2004, at 03:42 PM, averyschmidt wrote:
> > Sometimes it's just time to move on to the next thing. Either we
> have to
> > leave the house to go somewhere, or it's time for bath, a meal,
> bed,
> > etc. I don't just turn it off arbitrarily just to be controlling.
>
> If your daughter would rather watch Elmo again than take a bath or
> eat a meal or go to bed, it will feel just as controlling to her as
> if you turned it off arbitrarily though.
> Can't she eat a meal *with* Elmo? Fall asleep with Elmo?
> Take a bath tomorrow?
>
> Patti
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
averyschmidt
> She cannot eat with Elmo because we eat in the kitchen and thereis no
> DVD player in the kitchen. She cannot eat in the living roombecause
> there is white wall to wall carpeting (not my idea) and she isonly 15
> months old and she is a messy eater.I didn't catch from the other post how little she was!
You mentioned a high chair... have you tried the high chair in the
living room with one of those baby plastic things under it to catch
the mess? I've seen my SIL do that with her 1yo who likes Baby
Einstein.
> So she watches her video 3 times in a row, or 4 different videos,or
> what have you, and then when it's time to eat, we turn the TV offand go
> in the kitchen.This is just pure curiosity because I never had a 1yo who watched
tv... does she actually sit still and do nothing but watch 4
straight videos? My kids started liking videos around 2, but even
then they'd be busy playing during it, looking up now and then at
the interesting parts.
> Once she isWhy
> in the bath with all of her bath toys and bubbles she has a blast.
> would I want to deny her that so she can watch a video a 4th or5th time?
I don't think you should deny her anything- the impression I got
from your post was that she couldn't watch the video again, even if
she wanted to, if it was time for a bath (or a meal, or bed, etc).
I just meant that those things could wait until she was ready, not
that she should be denied them. :-)
Patti
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/21/2004 3:29:27 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
vijayowens@... writes:
If it were up to
me, I would have a wood or linoleum floor that could be cleaned more
easily than carpet, but it's not my decision to make.
---------
A high chair on a drop cloth?
-=-She needs to take a bath every night because it is part of our "winding
down" routine for bed. She is a frequent waker at night, and the bath
can make the difference between waking 5 or more times and waking only
twice. She loves taking baths.-=-
If she loves it, it's not a need, its a joy.
Be careful defining needs. They're choices.
Does she sleep alone and wake up five times?
Does she sleep with you?
(You don't need to tell us, but they're things for you to consider. Other
factors and choices.)
-=-Why would I want to deny her that so she can watch a video a 4th or 5th
time?-=-
You're asking us?
Once you decide what your priorities are, your decisions will be easier to
make.
-=-She cannot fall asleep with Elmo because that's not the kind of kid she
is. No matter how tired she is, she would *never* just doze off in front
of a video. -=-
No child has ever stayed awake forever.
*Never* is more than you know or can say.
Your pre-determined beliefs and declarations are getting in the way of living
flexibly in the moment.
-=- She requires a
routine in order to get the idea that it's time to go to bed. It's not
based on the clock. I pay attention to her cues. No matter how early it
is, if she seems tired, then we start the routine. -=-
How many times have you bypassed the routine?
She might fall asleep in your lap, with you rocking or singing, or fall
asleep in your lap watching Elmo. She would have fun with a morning bath too.
-=-She cannot fall asleep with Elmo because that's not the kind of kid she
is. No matter how tired she is, she would *never* just doze off in front
of a video. -=--=-
Had you said "If I let her try to fall asleep with an Elmo video on, she
would stay awake forever," I could have added it to my collection, here:
http://sandradodd.com/strew/ifilet
Maybe just reading how it has gone with people whose unschooled kids are
older now, and what they wish they had done differently will help you more than
turning the list into a discussion of what to do with a baby. I bet you have a
lot of good ideas, but maybe an attachment parenting list would be better for
you if you need to share this much detail about how to deal with a 15 month
old. It's really not, at that point, about unschooling.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
vijayowens@... writes:
If it were up to
me, I would have a wood or linoleum floor that could be cleaned more
easily than carpet, but it's not my decision to make.
---------
A high chair on a drop cloth?
-=-She needs to take a bath every night because it is part of our "winding
down" routine for bed. She is a frequent waker at night, and the bath
can make the difference between waking 5 or more times and waking only
twice. She loves taking baths.-=-
If she loves it, it's not a need, its a joy.
Be careful defining needs. They're choices.
Does she sleep alone and wake up five times?
Does she sleep with you?
(You don't need to tell us, but they're things for you to consider. Other
factors and choices.)
-=-Why would I want to deny her that so she can watch a video a 4th or 5th
time?-=-
You're asking us?
Once you decide what your priorities are, your decisions will be easier to
make.
-=-She cannot fall asleep with Elmo because that's not the kind of kid she
is. No matter how tired she is, she would *never* just doze off in front
of a video. -=-
No child has ever stayed awake forever.
*Never* is more than you know or can say.
Your pre-determined beliefs and declarations are getting in the way of living
flexibly in the moment.
-=- She requires a
routine in order to get the idea that it's time to go to bed. It's not
based on the clock. I pay attention to her cues. No matter how early it
is, if she seems tired, then we start the routine. -=-
How many times have you bypassed the routine?
She might fall asleep in your lap, with you rocking or singing, or fall
asleep in your lap watching Elmo. She would have fun with a morning bath too.
-=-She cannot fall asleep with Elmo because that's not the kind of kid she
is. No matter how tired she is, she would *never* just doze off in front
of a video. -=--=-
Had you said "If I let her try to fall asleep with an Elmo video on, she
would stay awake forever," I could have added it to my collection, here:
http://sandradodd.com/strew/ifilet
Maybe just reading how it has gone with people whose unschooled kids are
older now, and what they wish they had done differently will help you more than
turning the list into a discussion of what to do with a baby. I bet you have a
lot of good ideas, but maybe an attachment parenting list would be better for
you if you need to share this much detail about how to deal with a 15 month
old. It's really not, at that point, about unschooling.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vijay Berry Owens
On Saturday, August 21, 2004, at 06:16 PM, averyschmidt wrote:
she was older.
I could put down a "splat mat" in the living room but I don't have one.
I'd have to buy one, and I don't get out much. Plus I'm broke. Maybe my
MIL will get me one if I ask.
The other issue is that I like to give DD lots of choices of what to
eat, and she is very opinionated. If I give her something she doesn't
want she sweeps it onto the floor with a very grand dramatic
gesture. ;-) So with her in the kitchen I can just reach into the fridge
or cabinet and hold things up and she shakes her head yes or no. I don't
really feel like it's worth it to make the trip back and forth to the
living room just so she can watch a video. It's a judgement call on my
part. Maybe most unschoolers would do this back and forth thing,
personally I'd rather save my energy for something more fun. Did I
mention the frequent wakings? ;-)
She had absolutly no interest in any cartoons, children's shows, nada.
Something about his high voice appeals to her I guess, I don't know. But
she loves Elmo. She still won't watch anything else, I try every so
often just out of curiosity to see if she will. But even cartoons and
other kids' shows do not grab or hold her attention at all. Even the
Elmo video (which is only like 35-40 minutes long) she will only sit
still -- or stand -- and watch it once through. Then she wants to see it
again and again, but she'll be mostly playing and listening, and like
you said, looking up now and then. But as soon as it's over she wants it
on again.
Nine times out of ten I say yes. I'm not worried about ADD or what have
you. She has an amazing attention span for such a youngster. She'll sit
and "read" by herself for a long time sometimes. It's so cute when she
picks up a magazine. She delicately turns the pages one by one and looks
at each page with a kind of bored expression. It's too cute.
nights if she is absorbed in something. But if I wait much longer than
that it ruins our night and the next day too.
Believe me, 4 nights out of 5 this child could REALLY use a bath. We
live on a farm. Need I say more?
:-)
-Vijay Berry Owens
SAHM to Charlotte, 15 months
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I didn't catch from the other post how little she was!I was feeling a little defensive. Now I understand. You were thinking
> You mentioned a high chair... have you tried the high chair in the
> living room with one of those baby plastic things under it to catch
> the mess? I've seen my SIL do that with her 1yo who likes Baby
> Einstein.
she was older.
I could put down a "splat mat" in the living room but I don't have one.
I'd have to buy one, and I don't get out much. Plus I'm broke. Maybe my
MIL will get me one if I ask.
The other issue is that I like to give DD lots of choices of what to
eat, and she is very opinionated. If I give her something she doesn't
want she sweeps it onto the floor with a very grand dramatic
gesture. ;-) So with her in the kitchen I can just reach into the fridge
or cabinet and hold things up and she shakes her head yes or no. I don't
really feel like it's worth it to make the trip back and forth to the
living room just so she can watch a video. It's a judgement call on my
part. Maybe most unschoolers would do this back and forth thing,
personally I'd rather save my energy for something more fun. Did I
mention the frequent wakings? ;-)
>I know, she never watched tv either until someone gave us this Elmo DVD.
> This is just pure curiosity because I never had a 1yo who watched
> tv... does she actually sit still and do nothing but watch 4
> straight videos? My kids started liking videos around 2, but even
> then they'd be busy playing during it, looking up now and then at
> the interesting parts.
She had absolutly no interest in any cartoons, children's shows, nada.
Something about his high voice appeals to her I guess, I don't know. But
she loves Elmo. She still won't watch anything else, I try every so
often just out of curiosity to see if she will. But even cartoons and
other kids' shows do not grab or hold her attention at all. Even the
Elmo video (which is only like 35-40 minutes long) she will only sit
still -- or stand -- and watch it once through. Then she wants to see it
again and again, but she'll be mostly playing and listening, and like
you said, looking up now and then. But as soon as it's over she wants it
on again.
Nine times out of ten I say yes. I'm not worried about ADD or what have
you. She has an amazing attention span for such a youngster. She'll sit
and "read" by herself for a long time sometimes. It's so cute when she
picks up a magazine. She delicately turns the pages one by one and looks
at each page with a kind of bored expression. It's too cute.
> I don't think you should deny her anything- the impression I gotAh, I see. I do wait until 7:30 or 8 before giving her a bath most
> from your post was that she couldn't watch the video again, even if
> she wanted to, if it was time for a bath (or a meal, or bed, etc).
> I just meant that those things could wait until she was ready, not
> that she should be denied them. :-)
nights if she is absorbed in something. But if I wait much longer than
that it ruins our night and the next day too.
Believe me, 4 nights out of 5 this child could REALLY use a bath. We
live on a farm. Need I say more?
:-)
-Vijay Berry Owens
SAHM to Charlotte, 15 months
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]