Family meetings
J. Stauffer
Not aiming this at anybody but using it as a jumping off spot. I hear lots
of people (particularly people who see themselves as "child-centered") talk
about having family meetings.....but they don't sound child centered to me.
The meetings I hear described sound like lots of business meetings I've been
in where it doesn't matter what the real issues are, you are supposed to
follow the company line and agree with the boss.
Family meetings seem, at least to me, as a "democratic" way to have kids
parrot back the "right" answers and then come up with their own punishment.
(Personally, I would pick drowning in chocolate.)
Would it really be ok in a family meeting if the kids said "You treat me
like I'm not important and I think you should get sent to your room when you
do that."?
I thought when family meeting first were being talked about years ago they
were supposed to be like a forum, to plan vacations, talk about the upcoming
week's schedule, whatever.
But I think they have evolved into a sneaky way to punish and shame kids
while appearing to be a very hip parent.
Just my thoughts on the subject.
Julie S.
of people (particularly people who see themselves as "child-centered") talk
about having family meetings.....but they don't sound child centered to me.
The meetings I hear described sound like lots of business meetings I've been
in where it doesn't matter what the real issues are, you are supposed to
follow the company line and agree with the boss.
Family meetings seem, at least to me, as a "democratic" way to have kids
parrot back the "right" answers and then come up with their own punishment.
(Personally, I would pick drowning in chocolate.)
Would it really be ok in a family meeting if the kids said "You treat me
like I'm not important and I think you should get sent to your room when you
do that."?
I thought when family meeting first were being talked about years ago they
were supposed to be like a forum, to plan vacations, talk about the upcoming
week's schedule, whatever.
But I think they have evolved into a sneaky way to punish and shame kids
while appearing to be a very hip parent.
Just my thoughts on the subject.
Julie S.
Fetteroll
on 2/6/04 3:08 PM, J. Stauffer at jnjstau@... wrote:
I think an aspect of the relationship between parent and child that most
parents aren't conscious of is the incredible imbalance of power. A
democratic meeting should mean that all parties have an equal voice. But in
a family, parents are basically benign dictators. They may choose not to
weild their authority but there's no getting around that they can veto
anything at anytime "just because".
And to have democratic meetings in a family, parents need to be ultra aware
of that role. It's too easy to slip into the role of judge and decision
maker and "persuader to the right point of view" rather than give that up
and be one of the "peons".
(Not that I think as a rule that they should give up veto power. They should
just be aware of the imbalance of power and guard against slipping into that
role unconsciously when what is really called for is listening respectfully
to all points of view, not just the ones we agree with or line up with our
thinking.)
So when discussing going on a family vacation in a democratic family meeting
who the suggestions come from shouldn't matter. Everyone's ideas should be
taken equally seriously since to the person their suggestions *are* just as
serious as anyone else's.
Discussing what to do about one person's actions towards another and what
punishment, had more the aspects of a trial than a meeting. The child's
guilt was already predetermined. The only part that needed settled was to
have the child publicly admit wrong doing and to choose his punishment.
Joyce
> The meetings I hear described sound like lots of business meetings I've beenI had the same thought.
> in where it doesn't matter what the real issues are, you are supposed to
> follow the company line and agree with the boss.
I think an aspect of the relationship between parent and child that most
parents aren't conscious of is the incredible imbalance of power. A
democratic meeting should mean that all parties have an equal voice. But in
a family, parents are basically benign dictators. They may choose not to
weild their authority but there's no getting around that they can veto
anything at anytime "just because".
And to have democratic meetings in a family, parents need to be ultra aware
of that role. It's too easy to slip into the role of judge and decision
maker and "persuader to the right point of view" rather than give that up
and be one of the "peons".
(Not that I think as a rule that they should give up veto power. They should
just be aware of the imbalance of power and guard against slipping into that
role unconsciously when what is really called for is listening respectfully
to all points of view, not just the ones we agree with or line up with our
thinking.)
So when discussing going on a family vacation in a democratic family meeting
who the suggestions come from shouldn't matter. Everyone's ideas should be
taken equally seriously since to the person their suggestions *are* just as
serious as anyone else's.
Discussing what to do about one person's actions towards another and what
punishment, had more the aspects of a trial than a meeting. The child's
guilt was already predetermined. The only part that needed settled was to
have the child publicly admit wrong doing and to choose his punishment.
Joyce