Retta

Hi Flora,

Welcome to the group! This situation with your mil, I would make as strong as intention as possible to give up trying to convince her or anyone else of anything. You can no more convince her of your way than she can convince you of hers. Any force creates it's own counterforce.

I would not bring up parenting issues with her. If she introduces the subject and starts trying to convince you, I'd adopt the same attitude with her that I endeavor to adopt with my children. That is, one of an open hearted tenderness. Trust that if you allow her to be who she is, she too can unfold into a beautiful adult, but not by anyone trying to "grow her." You wouldn't put a seed into the ground and then dig it up to see if it's growing. Your life is the seed. Seeds must be let alone, watered, and trusted.

If she brings it up I'd say things like, "Mom, I'm doing this because I feel in my heart that it is truly the right thing for me to be doing right now. I really don't want to talk about it. How's your quilting bee coming?" If she dodges the quilting bee or whatever question, I'd gently say again "I don't want to talk about that" or "I'm not going to talk about that." Just stop talking and let her talk til she's done or talk to someone else about something else or stand up and leave the room.

Kids are wonderful to start a separate conversation with in these situations because it is really joyful, plus we're modeling for them how to follow your own joy and not waste precious energy on power struggles. Giving up that need to defend oneself says far more than any words. It says I trust that I'm doing the right thing and what anyone else thinks doesn't matter. Gandhi knew this secret and he changed his country! If there's nothing to push against, people stop pushing.

I had a friend who was a psychologist. She used to go to a gym to swim. A woman there found out she was a psychologist and she'd start dumping on her about her problems at the poolside. My friend would get into the pool and say, "I'm going under the water now." A neutral statement. We get to choose what we'll talk about, own our own power. Just gotta give up that need to defend ourselves or convince anyone of anything.

Retta


Hi!

I am new here. I am on a few other homeschool/unschool lists. You guys
are
great! Really informative, and inspiring. I have a 2 year old son who
is
going to be unschooled. We have yet to convey this idea to my in-laws
who
are pretty much against every other parenting idea we have implemented
(co-sleeping, breastfeeding, gentle parenting, etc.). My mil thinks
that
all children need "training". She once said "Children are god's way of
punishing you for enjoying sex." Any ideas about how to bring up the
idea
without getting kicked out of the will? <g> I was thinking of
articles/statistics...any good ones? Books are too much - I need some
fairly quick come-backs. I was thinking of bringing up homeschooling
first
and not even broaching the idea of unschooling until I see how it
settles.

Thanks a lot!

~Flora, Sean (dh) and Liam (ds)




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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Flora

>Welcome to the group! This situation with your mil, I would make as
>strong as intention as possible to give up trying to convince her or
>anyone else of anything. You can no more convince her of your way than
>she can convince you of hers. Any force creates it's own counterforce.

Thanks - I don't wish to convince her - I know the proof will be in the
pudding. Liam (and future munchkins) will be happy well adjusted children.
I am fairly confident. I just want it to be as gentle of a conversation as
possible.

>I would not bring up parenting issues with her. If she introduces the
>subject and starts trying to convince you, I'd adopt the same attitude
>with her that I endeavor to adopt with my children. That is, one of an
>open hearted tenderness.

You have a lot of love for your children. That certainly makes it easier.
It is hard to be kind to someone who is not - although I am working on it...

>If she brings it up I'd say things like, "Mom, I'm doing this because I
>feel in my heart that it is truly the right thing for me to be doing right
>now. I really don't want to talk about it. How's your quilting bee
>coming?" If she dodges the quilting bee or whatever question, I'd gently
>say again "I don't want to talk about that" or "I'm not going to talk
>about that." Just stop talking and let her talk til she's done or talk to
>someone else about something else or stand up and leave the room.

I don't wish to change her in any way. I have started trying to do what a
friend suggested which is to compliment someone who is grumpy - in a
sincere way. I tried this last time we visited when she made a comment
about Liam still nursing. I said "Wow, Helen! You really went all out for
dinner tonight - it smells so wonderful!" It did work...for me.

>Kids are wonderful to start a separate conversation with in these
>situations because it is really joyful, plus we're modeling for them how
>to follow your own joy and not waste precious energy on power struggles.

>Giving up that need to defend oneself says far more than any words. It
>says I trust that I'm doing the right thing and what anyone else thinks
>doesn't matter. Gandhi knew this secret and he changed his country! If
>there's nothing to push against, people stop pushing.

That is a great quote - I will suggest that one to Sean, too. We have a
tendency to be non combative with them, but vent in the car on the way
home, which is also hard - I really should just let go, which is not as
easy for Sean - they're his parents...I think he feels kinda sad - like he
missed out on the connection with them. He and his father are
re-connecting, but it seems like mother is moving further from reality. She
is bitter about a lot of things...I think about a lot of the choices she
made in her life, and so is trying to justify them by defending the way she
did things...sorry - rambling - thanks again for the advice.

>I had a friend who was a psychologist. She used to go to a gym to
>swim. A woman there found out she was a psychologist and she'd start
>dumping on her about her problems at the poolside. My friend would get
>into the pool and say, "I'm going under the water now." A neutral
>statement. We get to choose what we'll talk about, own our own
>power. Just gotta give up that need to defend ourselves or convince
>anyone of anything.

I do that too - I say "I am going to check on Liam", or "I think I forgot
something in the car". It has been brought up that I am aloof and
non-engaging in conversation with Helen. That doesn't bother me, though. I
guess I just wanted some sound info to bring to a conversation, that's all.
I like to meet people where they're at. In other words, "It just feels
right to me" wont go over as well as "Homeschooled children scored higher
than public schooled children in blah blah blah". Although it does feel
right to me, and I personally could care less about statistics, or tests. I
don't want to be insincere, just informative...

Thanks again :)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Betsy

**
I do that too - I say "I am going to check on Liam", or "I think I
forgot something in the car". It has been brought up that I am aloof and
non-engaging in conversation with Helen.**

Heh, so she *admits* she's been baiting you? (Just one way of
interpreting her statement.)

Betsy

Cynthia Hagedorn

One thing that has helped me... (I suspect anyway....)

My MIL is a kindergarten teacher AND is very VERY nosey.... I have a well-selected group of books next to our reading chair... (Learning all the Time-Holt: Teenage Liberation Handbook: What happened to recess...among a few....) On top of the changing pile of a few books I have a small nice frame with one word in it... Wonder.

We call it art

Cynthia
ps. I love this group!!!

Betsy <ecsamhill@...> wrote:


**
I do that too - I say "I am going to check on Liam", or "I think I
forgot something in the car". It has been brought up that I am aloof and
non-engaging in conversation with Helen.**

Heh, so she *admits* she's been baiting you? (Just one way of
interpreting her statement.)

Betsy


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

heather mclean

Retta,

Thank you so much for this. This is just what I
needed to hear. I haven't been reading this list for
awhile. Went on a 3 and 1/2 month vacation & am
finally getting back on schedule. Anyway, I just
called my parents last week & my mom told me about a
letter she is writing to me. She said she doesn't
want to alienate us BUT she has to write this
letter... I was getting upset about it, even though I
knew I shouldn't. I don't even have the letter yet
LOL! I just wanted to say THANKS

heather m
tucson az


> Welcome to the group! This situation with your mil,
> I would make as strong as intention as possible to
> give up trying to convince her or anyone else of
> anything. You can no more convince her of your way
> than she can convince you of hers. Any force
> creates it's own counterforce.
>
> I would not bring up parenting issues with her. If
> she introduces the subject and starts trying to
> convince you, I'd adopt the same attitude with her
> that I endeavor to adopt with my children. That is,
> one of an open hearted tenderness. Trust that if
> you allow her to be who she is, she too can unfold
> into a beautiful adult, but not by anyone trying to
> "grow her." You wouldn't put a seed into the ground
> and then dig it up to see if it's growing. Your
> life is the seed. Seeds must be let alone, watered,
> and trusted.
>
> If she brings it up I'd say things like, "Mom, I'm
> doing this because I feel in my heart that it is
> truly the right thing for me to be doing right now.
> I really don't want to talk about it. How's your
> quilting bee coming?" If she dodges the quilting
> bee or whatever question, I'd gently say again "I
> don't want to talk about that" or "I'm not going to
> talk about that." Just stop talking and let her
> talk til she's done or talk to someone else about
> something else or stand up and leave the room.
>
> Kids are wonderful to start a separate conversation
> with in these situations because it is really
> joyful, plus we're modeling for them how to follow
> your own joy and not waste precious energy on power
> struggles. Giving up that need to defend oneself
> says far more than any words. It says I trust that
> I'm doing the right thing and what anyone else
> thinks doesn't matter. Gandhi knew this secret and
> he changed his country! If there's nothing to push
> against, people stop pushing.
>
> I had a friend who was a psychologist. She used to
> go to a gym to swim. A woman there found out she
> was a psychologist and she'd start dumping on her
> about her problems at the poolside. My friend would
> get into the pool and say, "I'm going under the
> water now." A neutral statement. We get to choose
> what we'll talk about, own our own power. Just
> gotta give up that need to defend ourselves or
> convince anyone of anything.


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