Nanci Kuykendall

Well, I had a nice big long, and I hope helpful,
response typed out yesterday. But my computer ate it.
I was too frustrated to redo it.

At any rate, I have boys, and one (Thomas, almost 7)
who has issues with explosive temperment, anger
management, appropriate behaviors, etc. I concur with
those who said that the parents can feel worn down,
exhausted, at a loss as to what to do or how to react
to their child's behavior. It's hard to have the kid
that everyone thinks is a "brat" or a "bad seed."
It's hard to know how to respond when people seem to
act like we train them at home to be as bad as
possible in public.

Thomas has learned from lots of modeling,
intervention, posistive reinforcement, and gentle
correction. Older children and adults are often
better playmtes for kids like this, as they are better
able to handle outbursts, keep the kids under control
(by physical constraint if necessary) and not take
things personally. I also agree that this child should
be watched more closely by someone willing to
intervene before or during explosions and willing to
talk to him honestly, but not judgementally, about his
behavior. They are often more scared by their strong
and overpowering emotions than those around them.
Anger becomes an alternative expression for their fear
and anxiety (much accepted and encouraged in western
males unfortunately.)

Thomas does better in reduced stress situations. When
he was littler, I didn't take him to the park if there
were a lot of people there, or we went to a less
crowded park. Too many people means too much input,
and invariably a meltdown. He's been described by
some of the various drug touting "letter people" we
gave up seeing (Dr.s, counselors etc) as "a kid on
constant overload" because of his difficulties
filtering his sensory information. It just all pours
into him at once. While that means he is precocious,
doesn't miss a trick, is quick witted and intelligent,
it also means he is easily stressed out and thrown by
too much to take in, can't tune things out, is
bothered by noises, sensations, smells, etc that most
of us would not notice.

We have to take parties, carnivals, and other public
activities in small doses and be mindful of his
current level of overall life stress when planning
whether or not to attend things. We stay home more
when there are things happening that cause stress in
the family or for him. He is hyper sensative to
others' feelings and will cry when someone else is
hurt, but in a public situations when he is distracted
by intense activity levels he can be stunningly
thoughtless of others and have great remorse over it
when it is called to his attention.

Now I don't know if this other kid is anything like
Thomas, but it's quite possible that if you only see
him in an active setting like the park days, that
you're only seeing him at his worst and most stressed
out. Thomas talks fast, moves fast (we always say he
never learned to walk, he learned to run) and seems
really hyperactive, because that is the speed at which
the world moves for him. We try to slow things down
for him as much as possible, keep noise to a minimum
of sources at home, play board games, read stories,
play computer strategy and mystery games, watch movies
that are more calm and musical and less violent.
Thomas is passionate about movies and loves high
fantasy (knights, dragons, etc) but we try to keep
that to only one movie like that a day, so he can
digest it better. We don't have commercial tv at all,
which helps a lot. He is like a mirror and reflects
back what is around him. When we take time to create
a calmer home environment, he is more calm and more
focused and centered himself, and more content.

Anyway, this is from the perspective of someone who
has a child with these issues. Thomas gets better and
better every year at self control and appropriate
behaviors, cause and effect and not modeling
everything he sees or hears. He's a good lesson to us
though, to keep out tempers and watch what we say to
and about others or ourselves, because we'll get it
back WHAM right in our faces from him if we don't. At
nearly 7 he is almost always perfectly polite in
public and when things start to disentigrate it means
he has had enough and it's time to go. Occassionally
we still get screaming fits and he has to be carried
to the car or another quiet place until he is calm,
but he doesn't hit or lash out physically to other
kids anymore. OK well, except for his brother on
occassion, but I'm sure they'll be engaging in that
sport of brotherly love until they are well taller
than me.

Talk to the child directly, like you would your own
child or a friends child (as someone suggested) with
brief, matter of fact statements about what IS and
what IS NOT acceptable behavior. Try to say positive
things to them too, when you notice them behaving,
compliments about things "Wow great jumping!" or "I
really like you when you smile." That sort of thing.
Positive reinforcement goes a long way, plus it will
help to build a bridge of trust between you so that he
will out more weight behind what you say. I hope this
helps.

Nanci K.