Lexie, my sweet girl,
Joylyn
Got into a physical confrontation tonight at her play. I am guessing
that it happened like this, based on various reports. Lexie had her
autograph book and gave it to another child to sign. The child
accidently brought it upstairs to the stage right before a scene and
gave it to Lexie just as the curtains were opening. Lexie was mad
because she thought the scene was ruined and stuffed the book under the
bed. Later as the girls were going back downstairs Lexie confronted the
girl and somehow became mad and lost her temper and pushed the girl hard
against the wall. The girl pushed Lexie back and two older girls
stepped in and pulled Lexie away. Lexie accused them of "acting like my
mother" and "being mean" but the girls said they were afraid Lexie was
going to hurt the other child. I think the older girls were quick to
put an end to the situation and were not overly mean--lexie is very
sensitive to others telling her what to do. At first Lexie tried to tell
me she was "playing around" and it got rough but later she admitted that
she had lost her temper and had deliberately pushed the child. I really
didn't know how to handle it. On one hand, I didn't want to be the mom
who feels her child never does anything wrong and therefore blame the
incident on the other child(ren). On the other hand, I did want to be
fair to everyone. Lexie is the same age as the other child but the
other child is a bit smaller so... Lexie did apologize and she felt very
bad about it later, but it really brought to my attention that Lexie has
a temper! We all had a nice chat and agreed that it was settled. The
older girls apologized to Lexie for scaring her, reiterating that they
didn't mean to act like her mother but were stopping something quick. I
still feel they did a fine job of dealing with the situation and I will
be sure to tell them that next week. It was my daughter who was the
instigator and I feel a bit funny about that. I understood when she was
two and got into it with another child, but when she's 8? She should
know better, right?
Later I found out the child is the daughter of an email friend. We've
met a few times but I didn't put it together at the moment. I had
already told Lexie she needed to apologize to the mom of the girl, and
when I realized the mom was this friend, I felt relieved. I knew Diana
would handle the situation well, and she did. Lexie admitted to Diana
that she had lost her temper and shoved her daughter and apologized and
Diana said she thought more of Lexie because Lexie was able to go to
Diana and tell her. So it's all over, but I'm still a bit upset over
this... I have the old thought in my head that I wish I would stop
thinking--what did I do wrong to create a child who would shove another
child. :-(
Comfort me please, and tell me I handled this appropriately.
Basically I was raised a pacifist. My parents never even talked about
defending myself, I was simply never to get into a fight or be physical
with anyone. I did not want to do that to my own child. I feel that
self defense is necessary sometimes, rarely. As a teen I was in a few
situation where I should have been free to defend myself but could not,
or I tried and looked like a fool. I'm trying to find the middle
ground, raising a non-violent child who realizes that violence doesn't
solve anything but at the same time letting her know that self defense
is OK. Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just
chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
enough sleep, she has a cold, etc.
Joylyn
that it happened like this, based on various reports. Lexie had her
autograph book and gave it to another child to sign. The child
accidently brought it upstairs to the stage right before a scene and
gave it to Lexie just as the curtains were opening. Lexie was mad
because she thought the scene was ruined and stuffed the book under the
bed. Later as the girls were going back downstairs Lexie confronted the
girl and somehow became mad and lost her temper and pushed the girl hard
against the wall. The girl pushed Lexie back and two older girls
stepped in and pulled Lexie away. Lexie accused them of "acting like my
mother" and "being mean" but the girls said they were afraid Lexie was
going to hurt the other child. I think the older girls were quick to
put an end to the situation and were not overly mean--lexie is very
sensitive to others telling her what to do. At first Lexie tried to tell
me she was "playing around" and it got rough but later she admitted that
she had lost her temper and had deliberately pushed the child. I really
didn't know how to handle it. On one hand, I didn't want to be the mom
who feels her child never does anything wrong and therefore blame the
incident on the other child(ren). On the other hand, I did want to be
fair to everyone. Lexie is the same age as the other child but the
other child is a bit smaller so... Lexie did apologize and she felt very
bad about it later, but it really brought to my attention that Lexie has
a temper! We all had a nice chat and agreed that it was settled. The
older girls apologized to Lexie for scaring her, reiterating that they
didn't mean to act like her mother but were stopping something quick. I
still feel they did a fine job of dealing with the situation and I will
be sure to tell them that next week. It was my daughter who was the
instigator and I feel a bit funny about that. I understood when she was
two and got into it with another child, but when she's 8? She should
know better, right?
Later I found out the child is the daughter of an email friend. We've
met a few times but I didn't put it together at the moment. I had
already told Lexie she needed to apologize to the mom of the girl, and
when I realized the mom was this friend, I felt relieved. I knew Diana
would handle the situation well, and she did. Lexie admitted to Diana
that she had lost her temper and shoved her daughter and apologized and
Diana said she thought more of Lexie because Lexie was able to go to
Diana and tell her. So it's all over, but I'm still a bit upset over
this... I have the old thought in my head that I wish I would stop
thinking--what did I do wrong to create a child who would shove another
child. :-(
Comfort me please, and tell me I handled this appropriately.
Basically I was raised a pacifist. My parents never even talked about
defending myself, I was simply never to get into a fight or be physical
with anyone. I did not want to do that to my own child. I feel that
self defense is necessary sometimes, rarely. As a teen I was in a few
situation where I should have been free to defend myself but could not,
or I tried and looked like a fool. I'm trying to find the middle
ground, raising a non-violent child who realizes that violence doesn't
solve anything but at the same time letting her know that self defense
is OK. Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just
chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
enough sleep, she has a cold, etc.
Joylyn
joanna514
Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just
Have you ever been in a play?
Highly stressful. I've seen adults freak out over little things.
I think it sounds like everything was handled well.
I'd let it go.
Joanna
> chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, notI'd go with the latter.
> enough sleep, she has a cold, etc.
> Joylyn
Have you ever been in a play?
Highly stressful. I've seen adults freak out over little things.
I think it sounds like everything was handled well.
I'd let it go.
Joanna
Paula Sjogerman
{{Joylyn}} I think it sounds like you handled it great.
On a side note, has Lexie ever considered a martial art? It's great on a
number of levels, one of which is learning self-control.
Paula
On a side note, has Lexie ever considered a martial art? It's great on a
number of levels, one of which is learning self-control.
Paula
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/1/03 1:06:53 AM, joylyn@... writes:
<< Basically I was raised a pacifist. My parents never even talked about
defending myself, I was simply never to get into a fight or be physical
with anyone. I did not want to do that to my own child. I feel that
self defense is necessary sometimes, rarely. As a teen I was in a few
situation where I should have been free to defend myself but could not,
or I tried and looked like a fool. I'm trying to find the middle
ground, raising a non-violent child who realizes that violence doesn't
solve anything but at the same time letting her know that self defense
is OK. Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just
chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
enough sleep, she has a cold, etc. >>
I think you've probably already done all the important stuff! Fact finding,
reassurance, discussion of what could have gone differently and how she might
handle it next time, apologies...
Maybe you could tell her that what is forgiven in little kids could be
assault and have to involve police in older kids or adults, and that the worst
problem with responding in fury is that she might accidently put that kid's eye out
(partly a euphemism for do permanent damage or accidental death).
Words are way more legal (outside of death threats) in such situations, and
going away and breathing (which I'm sure you recommended) is good too.
Maybe to make her feel better about the bigger girls pulling her off you
could make up a different scenario (not use that same one) and say that you hope
if she ever sees someone younger lose his or her temper and sees that they're
in danger of hurting someone that you hope she'll be quick-thinking and brave
enough to help them stop.
Yesterday we were at a dance recital and there was the jailhouse piece from
Chicago. One of the dancers backed into her jail-door-on-wheels and it fell
over. It wasn't loud, just down.
She went to the next unoccupied one and finished the dance part, and when the
last one to come back got there, she just casually and gracefully picked that
fallen one up in rhythm with the music and kept on going. It was an elegant
save. Maybe talk to her about that too, about how sometimes in a performance
someone WILL end up with or without a prop (or wrong or extra thing) in hand,
and if they can, in persona, just set it down, or say "Where is my umbrella?"
in the character's voice and get it, the play goes on more smoothly. It can
be more fun for the audience members who know the play if they KNOW the
character was supposed to be holding a letter, or a glass, or whatever, and they get
to see how the actor will recover.
Stress is always a danger, and if you tell her that too, that when she's
stressed and tired and getting sick (which happens to every human no matter how
organized or healthy they might be), that she needs to be EXTRA careful to be
patient and sweet.
I bet having had this incident she'll be better aware of her range and will
be more contained in future incidents.
Sandra
<< Basically I was raised a pacifist. My parents never even talked about
defending myself, I was simply never to get into a fight or be physical
with anyone. I did not want to do that to my own child. I feel that
self defense is necessary sometimes, rarely. As a teen I was in a few
situation where I should have been free to defend myself but could not,
or I tried and looked like a fool. I'm trying to find the middle
ground, raising a non-violent child who realizes that violence doesn't
solve anything but at the same time letting her know that self defense
is OK. Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just
chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
enough sleep, she has a cold, etc. >>
I think you've probably already done all the important stuff! Fact finding,
reassurance, discussion of what could have gone differently and how she might
handle it next time, apologies...
Maybe you could tell her that what is forgiven in little kids could be
assault and have to involve police in older kids or adults, and that the worst
problem with responding in fury is that she might accidently put that kid's eye out
(partly a euphemism for do permanent damage or accidental death).
Words are way more legal (outside of death threats) in such situations, and
going away and breathing (which I'm sure you recommended) is good too.
Maybe to make her feel better about the bigger girls pulling her off you
could make up a different scenario (not use that same one) and say that you hope
if she ever sees someone younger lose his or her temper and sees that they're
in danger of hurting someone that you hope she'll be quick-thinking and brave
enough to help them stop.
Yesterday we were at a dance recital and there was the jailhouse piece from
Chicago. One of the dancers backed into her jail-door-on-wheels and it fell
over. It wasn't loud, just down.
She went to the next unoccupied one and finished the dance part, and when the
last one to come back got there, she just casually and gracefully picked that
fallen one up in rhythm with the music and kept on going. It was an elegant
save. Maybe talk to her about that too, about how sometimes in a performance
someone WILL end up with or without a prop (or wrong or extra thing) in hand,
and if they can, in persona, just set it down, or say "Where is my umbrella?"
in the character's voice and get it, the play goes on more smoothly. It can
be more fun for the audience members who know the play if they KNOW the
character was supposed to be holding a letter, or a glass, or whatever, and they get
to see how the actor will recover.
Stress is always a danger, and if you tell her that too, that when she's
stressed and tired and getting sick (which happens to every human no matter how
organized or healthy they might be), that she needs to be EXTRA careful to be
patient and sweet.
I bet having had this incident she'll be better aware of her range and will
be more contained in future incidents.
Sandra
Alan & Brenda Leonard
6/1/03 14:18:
Before this deployment, we had many (too many!) briefings on stress,
seperation, etc., and one thing that I was reminded of was that many
children just have not learned how to cope with pressure. So little things
(like an autograph book, maybe) can bring about a problem when really they
aren't the problem in the first place. If you think that under different
circumstances, Lexie could have handled the situation better, then it's
likely that she needs some help with the bigger issues.
Maybe just dealing with the stress of the weekend and considering how to
deal with stress in general will help your daughter feel more in control of
her anger. Really, though, it sounds to me like it was handled quite well,
and definitely compliment the older girls on stepping in quickly to help
your daughter stop when she needed the help.
brenda
> or should I justI'd chalk it up to a stressful weekend.
> chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
> enough sleep, she has a cold, etc.
Before this deployment, we had many (too many!) briefings on stress,
seperation, etc., and one thing that I was reminded of was that many
children just have not learned how to cope with pressure. So little things
(like an autograph book, maybe) can bring about a problem when really they
aren't the problem in the first place. If you think that under different
circumstances, Lexie could have handled the situation better, then it's
likely that she needs some help with the bigger issues.
Maybe just dealing with the stress of the weekend and considering how to
deal with stress in general will help your daughter feel more in control of
her anger. Really, though, it sounds to me like it was handled quite well,
and definitely compliment the older girls on stepping in quickly to help
your daughter stop when she needed the help.
brenda
[email protected]
On Sun, 1 Jun 2003 12:10:00 EDT SandraDodd@... writes:
off during the final duel with Pan. The girl playing Pan said something
just perfect without missing a beat - I think it was, "Now you've really
flipped your wig!" It was a kid's show, even, the girl was 16, I
think....
OTOH, we saw a production of Follies last weekend in Stockton, and one of
the women forgot the words in her solo "But I'm Here", and her voice got
very soft and she mumbled along and it looked pretty bad, which was too
bad because it was a marvelous show otherwise. An actress we know forgot
the words a few years ago doing the same part, same song (it's a long
song and there really aren't any reference points for the lyrics, unless
you build them into the choreography) and she just smild big and sang,
"La la la" to the tune, and no one who didn't know the show knew anything
was wrong...
We went to a restaurant/piano bar Friday night, a friend of ours is the
pianist, and he got Rain up there to sing "All That Jazz", which is one
of her usual audition pieces. So she knows it pretty well, but she messed
up the lyrics at one point... and recovered! She was so nervous, she said
singing like that was really different from doing shows or even
auditions. The audiene was mostly senior citizens, and they were very
positive, so it ended up being a good expereince...
I agree with what everyone said about Lexie, and would and that actresses
who are difficult in shows don't generally get cast again, and kids who
are known as easy to get along with but maybe aren't quite as talented
usually end up with roles, IME. And we've seen plenty of adult actresses
lose it backstage, although not to the physical point (thank goodness!).
It is stressful...
And I really want to hear about the play!
Dar
> It canWe saw a production of Peter Pan recently where Captain Hook's wig fell
> be more fun for the audience members who know the play if they KNOW
> the
> character was supposed to be holding a letter, or a glass, or
> whatever, and they get
> to see how the actor will recover.
>
off during the final duel with Pan. The girl playing Pan said something
just perfect without missing a beat - I think it was, "Now you've really
flipped your wig!" It was a kid's show, even, the girl was 16, I
think....
OTOH, we saw a production of Follies last weekend in Stockton, and one of
the women forgot the words in her solo "But I'm Here", and her voice got
very soft and she mumbled along and it looked pretty bad, which was too
bad because it was a marvelous show otherwise. An actress we know forgot
the words a few years ago doing the same part, same song (it's a long
song and there really aren't any reference points for the lyrics, unless
you build them into the choreography) and she just smild big and sang,
"La la la" to the tune, and no one who didn't know the show knew anything
was wrong...
We went to a restaurant/piano bar Friday night, a friend of ours is the
pianist, and he got Rain up there to sing "All That Jazz", which is one
of her usual audition pieces. So she knows it pretty well, but she messed
up the lyrics at one point... and recovered! She was so nervous, she said
singing like that was really different from doing shows or even
auditions. The audiene was mostly senior citizens, and they were very
positive, so it ended up being a good expereince...
I agree with what everyone said about Lexie, and would and that actresses
who are difficult in shows don't generally get cast again, and kids who
are known as easy to get along with but maybe aren't quite as talented
usually end up with roles, IME. And we've seen plenty of adult actresses
lose it backstage, although not to the physical point (thank goodness!).
It is stressful...
And I really want to hear about the play!
Dar
Joylyn
Thanks for all your words on Lexie. :-) I really appreciate it.
joylyn
joanna514 wrote:
joylyn
joanna514 wrote:
> Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> > chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
> > enough sleep, she has a cold, etc.
> > Joylyn
>
> I'd go with the latter.
> Have you ever been in a play?
> Highly stressful. I've seen adults freak out over little things.
> I think it sounds like everything was handled well.
> I'd let it go.
>
> Joanna
>
>
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Joylyn
I think I'd like to get her involved in something like that...
joylyn
Paula Sjogerman wrote:
joylyn
Paula Sjogerman wrote:
> {{Joylyn}} I think it sounds like you handled it great.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> On a side note, has Lexie ever considered a martial art? It's great on a
> number of levels, one of which is learning self-control.
>
> Paula
>
>
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Joylyn
Thanks Sandra....
SandraDodd@... wrote:
joylyn
SandraDodd@... wrote:
>We dod talk about this... Important. Thanks.
> In a message dated 6/1/03 1:06:53 AM, joylyn@... writes:
>
> << Basically I was raised a pacifist. My parents never even talked about
> defending myself, I was simply never to get into a fight or be physical
> with anyone. I did not want to do that to my own child. I feel that
> self defense is necessary sometimes, rarely. As a teen I was in a few
> situation where I should have been free to defend myself but could not,
> or I tried and looked like a fool. I'm trying to find the middle
> ground, raising a non-violent child who realizes that violence doesn't
> solve anything but at the same time letting her know that self defense
> is OK. Also, we obviously need to work on her temper--or should I just
> chalk this up to a stressful weekend, she's in her first play, not
> enough sleep, she has a cold, etc. >>
>
> I think you've probably already done all the important stuff! Fact
> finding,
> reassurance, discussion of what could have gone differently and how
> she might
> handle it next time, apologies...
>
> Maybe you could tell her that what is forgiven in little kids could be
> assault and have to involve police in older kids or adults, and that
> the worst
> problem with responding in fury is that she might accidently put that
> kid's eye out
> (partly a euphemism for do permanent damage or accidental death).
joylyn
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Words are way more legal (outside of death threats) in such
> situations, and
> going away and breathing (which I'm sure you recommended) is good too.
>
> Maybe to make her feel better about the bigger girls pulling her off you
> could make up a different scenario (not use that same one) and say
> that you hope
> if she ever sees someone younger lose his or her temper and sees that
> they're
> in danger of hurting someone that you hope she'll be quick-thinking
> and brave
> enough to help them stop.
>
> Yesterday we were at a dance recital and there was the jailhouse piece
> from
> Chicago. One of the dancers backed into her jail-door-on-wheels and
> it fell
> over. It wasn't loud, just down.
>
> She went to the next unoccupied one and finished the dance part, and
> when the
> last one to come back got there, she just casually and gracefully
> picked that
> fallen one up in rhythm with the music and kept on going. It was an
> elegant
> save. Maybe talk to her about that too, about how sometimes in a
> performance
> someone WILL end up with or without a prop (or wrong or extra thing)
> in hand,
> and if they can, in persona, just set it down, or say "Where is my
> umbrella?"
> in the character's voice and get it, the play goes on more smoothly.
> It can
> be more fun for the audience members who know the play if they KNOW the
> character was supposed to be holding a letter, or a glass, or
> whatever, and they get
> to see how the actor will recover.
>
> Stress is always a danger, and if you tell her that too, that when she's
> stressed and tired and getting sick (which happens to every human no
> matter how
> organized or healthy they might be), that she needs to be EXTRA
> careful to be
> patient and sweet.
>
> I bet having had this incident she'll be better aware of her range and
> will
> be more contained in future incidents.
>
> Sandra
>
> Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
>
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