"I'm working so hard on my parenting!!" doesn't mean a whole lot if you're putting your work in the wrong areas. And honestly, I find that all the "effort" I put into my parenting is fun, and makes me happy. It is so good to know that our home is a place my child wants to be, and that I can do things to help him be happy.
First, that beautiful one from Aiden Wagner, January 15, 2013:
I think one thing that is confusing is when people say marriage takes effort, or use the term "making it work." Too often it means effort spent trying to turn the other person into who you think they should be, or trying to make them conform to your idea of the ideal partner. For myself, the "effort" I put into my marriage goes towards making our marriage a place my husband wants to stay. I pack him special lunches to take with him when he goes to work and then classes. I look at what's unreasonable about my own expectations and then work to change them. I try to be attractive, and pleasant to be around. I pay attention to how I communicate with him, and ways I can be clearer and easier for him to understand. I look for the good things he does for me, and make sure I let him know that I notice and appreciate those things.Meredith Novak, responding to
Instead of trying to have the perfect husband, I work towards becoming the perfect wife.
I'm not saying I'm wonderful or that I expect myself to be perfect right now, just that saying "I'm working so hard on my marriage!!" doesn't mean a whole lot if your putting your work in the wrong areas. And honestly, I find that all the "effort" I put into my marriage is fun, and makes me happy. It is so good to know that our home is a place my husband wants to be, and that I can do things to help him be happy.original on facebook
One person can turn it around though, when the partnership has gotten rocky. Part of the effort of rebuilding can involve one person deciding to change and working on making the home and her part of the dynamic softer and more welcoming.Joyce Fetteroll wrote, and Robin Bentley responded:
Yesterday or the day before, elsewhere on fb, someone posted one of those generic meme things which said something like "emotional abuse is still abuse, if you're not getting your needs met, get out". I was appalled - That's the kind of garbage that undermines relationship, by encouraging women to equate "not getting needs met" with abuse. And it's the kind of assumption which often underpins statement like "it takes two to make it work".
Those kinds of attitudes push kids away from parents, too, but parents can soften, become sweeter and more welcoming, and give the child and relationship a chance to heal. One the factors which sets the stage for unschooling to flourish is when moms extend the same principles which support learning and relationships with children toward their adult partners - not because men are infantile, but because children are people and men are people and people thrive in environments where there is care, and grace, and support.
Joyce:Sandra Dodd , quoting Aiden and a critic of her statement:
It's not about fault or blame or one person being responsible for making a relationship work. It's about understanding that you're responsible for how you act, how you react, how you treat other people. It's about understanding you can't change someone but you can change the environment which can create a fertile ground where they can grow if they're capable of it.
Robin Bentley:
Joyce, this is beautifully said.It applies to our relationships with our children. And possibly with relatives and close friends.
Aiden: I personally have seen a lot of marriages fail because of petty things that are easily solvable.Joyce Fetteroll, to the same quotes:
Other: -=-This is the kind of statement I wish we would avoid.-=-
You can avoid those statements, then.Those who have seen minor grievances made large SHOULD say so. Those who regret divorce, or who wish they had nurtured their relationships better sooner SHOULD share that, for the good of newer marriages that aren't yet (and don't need to be) irreparable.
It would be easier for people who are divorced to hear that it's no problem and that the kids will be fine, and that marriage is very difficult. It would be better for countless children for peopel in newer marriages to hear that there ARE marriages that last a long time, but not if every complaint is voiced, and not if the partners are antagonistic and are counting and measuring what they give and receive.
Aiden:I personally have seen a lot of marriages fail because of petty things that are easily solvable.
Other person:-=-This is the kind of statement I wish we would avoid.-=-
Joyce:If no one should make a generalized observation because someone might interpret it as finger-pointing judgement, then it makes it impossible to discuss those ideas.
If divorced people object to examining the general early patterns of thought and behavior that lead to divorce for fear it's being suggested the divorce was their fault, they're a roadblock to helping others avoid those same mistakes.
One of the big factors in divorce is most people don't know how to meet their needs without tearing at the relationships around them.
While making choices that build relationships won't guarantee a marriage will succeed, doing things that tear at relationships is a good way to make it fail. If divorced people shut down discussions because it feels uncomfortably like blame or fault-finding it gets in the way of not-yet-divorced people examining the choices they're making right now that break down relationships.
Probably one of the biggest problems is most people's experience with relationships is how their parents treated them. But conventional parenting focuses on getting kids to behave as parents expect. That approach tears at relationships. And doesn't give people any healthy techniques to build on for a marriage.
When their partner isn't doing what they need or expect, they may resort to what their parents did to them: anger and pressure. If they don't figure out how respond in a relationship building way, each little petty thing builds into bigger hurt and resentment.
Things turned defensive, and others (Aiden, Joyce, Meredith) were calming and encouraging.
