Diamondlady1025

Hi Sheila,

I have had the same issue that you describe with your daughter with my son.
My oldest son 13, goes for days without a shower. Being that he has reached
puberty, for me it has been not as much of an issue as it has been for my
husband.

He also USED to be with way with brushing his teeth. He would go for days,
weeks even sometimes without brushing.

My husband would constantly nag him about it to the point when he would just
tune him out kind of like it seems that your daughter does to you from what
you wrote. For me, I let it go and never pressured him about any of it,
because I did not and do not want brushing and showering to be made to feel
like a "punishment" because if it is, then the resistance is much worse. It
is kind of like being in "school" and being forced to learn what we never
wanted to learn in the first place, we resist that to because we choose to
learn what, where, when, why and how we wish to learn, which is why we
unschool is it not?

There are times now where he will surprise me and my dh and shower. I
remember a time a few weeks ago when my dh and I went grocery shopping
(Chris being 13 will stay home and watch his two younger brothers ages 6 1/2
and 8) and when we returned, I had noticed he had changed his clothes, but
did not say anything. Later, Chris had announced that while we were gone, he
had showered. I said great honey I am glad. I try not to make too much of a
deal of whether he showers or does not shower simply because I know if I do,
it will make showering seem like a good/bad "thing" to do and I want him to
shower because HE wants to and he enjoys it and keeping himself clean, not
because it is good or bad to do or not to do.

The only thing I will do is every once in a while give a gentle reminder
here or there if his brothers have bathed or if I have just gotten out of
the shower, I might say something like "The shower is all yours Chris". I
never tell him about how bad he may or may not smell. To him, this is a blow
to his self esteem, because it makes him feel as if he is not "good enough"
or "not good enough for me or others to be around him" simply because he is
dirty or smelly. Not to mention the fact that what may seem like smelly to
us, may not be offensive to them simply because they do not know what their
own bodies threshold is for smell. I know for Chris, it will take until he
can physically smell himself as smelly or dirty before he will shower or put
deodorant on. Me or anyone else merely reminding them of the fact that they
smell, not only makes him feel self conscious and bad about themselves, but
it also does not enable them to find their own threshold to know. Just like
when you feel you need a shower, it is not because someone has told you you
are smelly, but it is in fact, because you yourself can feel or sense or
actually smell that you are not clean.

Also, you modeling the behavior of showering, putting on deodorant everyday
can help tremendously. It may not seem like it, like it conveys alot, but it
does. If you show your daughter daily that you take pride in yourself, your
appearance, and your body, then she is more likely to see that and take
pride in herself. This could be why she was interested in showering if you
did her toenails afterwards. She needs someone to show her how to be pretty
in a way she feels comfortable with, and modeling that in that way does go a
long way. Maybe you could have a "make over" date just you girls, where you
shower (separately if she wishes her privacy, and then do each others hair
and makeup, and maybe even let her play dress up with some of your
clothes!:)

Rather than talking down to my kids about how good it is for them to be
clean, I would rather want to make it an activity to enjoy. I want my kids
to find enjoyment in loving and caring for their bodies, not it being a
something that they "have to do". So I say he USED to do this with teeth
brushing up until 6 months ago, because one day about 6 months ago, he came
to me and asked me "Mom, can we go to Walmart today?" Of course, I am
thinking he wants the newest computer or electronic gadget right? He
continues"because, I would like to pick out my own toothpaste and my own
toothbrush because I do not like the toothpaste here in the house and my
toothbrush hurts my teeth and I want to have something of my own" WHOA!!!
Blew me over with a ton of bricks! :)

Needless to say, he had "deschooled" toothbrushing and was ready to move on
in life. And I dropped everything and immediately took him to Walmart,
quietly celebrating on the inside. What Chris needed was the time and space,
WITHOUT nagging and pressure to see the value of keeping his teeth healthy
all on his own because HE wanted too, not because someone was telling him
too! Patience and time was what was needed on my part, something as a parent
which is much easier for me to do than most. I think that for me it is
because I am in tuned with my kids rhythms and movements through life more
and I have no problem giving them as much time as needed to work through
whatever it is they need to.

Most parents, like my husband, are so into the fact that they have to be
neat and clean that they forget that our children are individuals and need
to be respected enough for them to figure out the value of something and
that in doing so it takes ALOT of time and patience.

So now, every night I hear his toothbrush twirling (he got one of those
Crest electric ones!:) and I smile on the inside. Chalk one up for life. NOW
.....onto the showers!:)

Patti and the boys (Chris 13, Matthew 8, Anthony 61/2)
Life Long Learning Academy
http://www.life-long-learning-4-all.com/index.html
"For no matter where knowledge and learning come from - no matter what shape size, or dimension it assumes - it still is what it is, knowledge and learning. Therefore knowledge and learning should always be embraced." ~unknown

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/23/04 3:09:16 PM, diamondlady1025@... writes:

<< My husband would constantly nag him about it to the point when he would
just
tune him out kind of like it seems that your daughter does to you from what
you wrote. >>

Had he taken a shower, he would have been doing nothing but rolling over and
doing what someone else was wanting him to do. In power struggle terms, if he
showered he lost. If he showered his dad won.

I still sometimes set something up like that with one of my kids about
something I really want them to do, but I notice it more quickly than I used to.
It helps more to give them some data and possible outcomes and let them decide.
But it the information is too thinly veiled direction, they might take the
possible eventual negative consequences over the immediately negative loss of
freedom and choice.

Sandra

Vijay Berry Owens

I totally understand what is being said about the power struggle of
wanting kids to bathe when they don't want to and letting go of that.
But where do you all draw the line of being considerate of others?

I mean, I am in favor of giving children more than the conventional
amount of freedom, but what if it (the smell) is REALLY bothering the
rest of the family? Do they all just have to endure it indefinitely? I
have a 15 yo sister, a 13 yo brother and an 11 yo sister and if any one
of them goes more than a day or two without bathing they get really
stinky.

Seriously asking, not trying to be difficult.

-Vijay

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/23/04 5:39:31 PM, vijayowens@... writes:

<< I mean, I am in favor of giving children more than the conventional
amount of freedom, but what if it (the smell) is REALLY bothering the
rest of the family? Do they all just have to endure it indefinitely? I
have a 15 yo sister, a 13 yo brother and an 11 yo sister and if any one
of them goes more than a day or two without bathing they get really
stinky. >>

Were they unschooled?

I think it matters.
For this list it matters.

It's a what if unless an unschooling family has a real situation.

Does anyone here have a child who has been living in an unschooling
environment for at least three years, who is now in that new-puberty phase, and who has
not started taking baths after a few months?

I have three who shower daily.

When they were younger and just getting there, I bought them deoderant, and
put deoderant soup in their showers and whatever kinds of soap and shampoo they
might like. Occasionally I remember reminding Kirby, before he was going
somewhere, or if he was just hanging out and I could smell him, I'd ask him if he
wouldn't mind taking a shower before dinner, or whatever. Because it wasn't
an ultimatum, it wasn't a power struggle. Because they know they can say
"No, I'd really rather do this other thing," they're easily willing to say yes.
Lots. I say yes to them a lot, they say yes a lot.

What about others?

Sandra

velvet jiang

i have an 11 year old and she is in the phase of not taking showers. it
actually started with the teeth brushing (which i did try to control too
much) and then went to the shower. for years she showered or bathed every
day and brushed her teeth like a million time (ok maybe less) a day. then
she said she didn't feel like it. it started at about 9 and then it wasn't
so bad because she didn't smell bad even after a week. now in the past maybe
8 months she does. i usually let it go and she will eventually take one when
she is ready and then she is in there playing until she runs out of hot
water. if it goes too long and she starts smelling i ask her to shower
because she sleeps with us a lot and i don't want to smell her. most times
she's okay with doing so. i am really confident that she will out grow this
phase. her friend who is a year older has just started caring about this.

one suggestion for people who have a yard and a hose: give them a bottle of
shampoo and the hose (in the warmer weather) and let them go outside and
spray off.

velvet

Kris Kris

My oldest, 13, was a bit reluctant to shower about 1
1/2 years ago but as soon as a friend commented on her
body odor it all changed. She showers every day now.
I don't remember a big struggle, I just left it alone
and only mentioned that I could smell her once in a
great while. She made the change on her own,
somewhere along the way.

My youngest, 6, is more reistant but if I mention a
bath and give it time he'll usually change his mind.
Of course, I really enjoy my showers and baths and
I've noticed that if I tell him that if he's not ready
*I* will be going in, he jumps at the chance to be
first.

Kris

--- SandraDodd@... wrote:
> Does anyone here have a child who has been living in
> an unschooling
> environment for at least three years, who is now in
> that new-puberty phase, and who has
> not started taking baths after a few months?
>
> I have three who shower daily.
>
> When they were younger and just getting there, I
> bought them deoderant, and
> put deoderant soup in their showers and whatever
> kinds of soap and shampoo they
> might like. Occasionally I remember reminding
> Kirby, before he was going
> somewhere, or if he was just hanging out and I could
> smell him, I'd ask him if he
> wouldn't mind taking a shower before dinner, or
> whatever. Because it wasn't
> an ultimatum, it wasn't a power struggle. Because
> they know they can say
> "No, I'd really rather do this other thing," they're
> easily willing to say yes.
> Lots. I say yes to them a lot, they say yes a lot.
>
>
> What about others?
>
> Sandra
>




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[email protected]

My just-turned-12-y.o. is not keen on taking showers. If I ask him if he
wants to take a shower he will say yes and then forget. Usually if I get
the bathroom ready for him by putting down the bathmat, getting a clean
towel, staarting the water, etc., he is happy to go in. I think it's not
that he doesn't want to shower but that he doesn't have the internal
motivation yet to shower himself, so I still help him. I think he wants the
mom-care that comes with the help, too.

He doesn't yet smell like a puberty boy. I know what they smell like
because they visit here plus I had three younger brothers :-)

Donna

Marjorie Kirk

Sandra wrote:

When they were younger and just getting there, I bought them deoderant, and
put deoderant soup in their showers.....





My oldest is a pretty picky eater and I don't think deodorant soup would go
over well....Plus, wouldn't it be hard to eat in the shower? <BWG>


Marjorie

Kiersten Pasciak

I did this as a teen.
I am sure it was just a way of feeling I had some power to not do
what I knew my mom wanted.
I even went so far as to "fake" shower, ie. leave the water running
while I did something else in the bathroom, LOL
It seems so funny now, I can't believe I did it!

I'm sure they know we want them to shower even if we don't
explicitly say so.

Good luck with it getting better.

Kiersten

mamaaj2000

--- In [email protected], "Kiersten Pasciak"
<kjl8@c...> wrote:
> I even went so far as to "fake" shower, ie. leave the water running
> while I did something else in the bathroom, LOL
> It seems so funny now, I can't believe I did it!

Oh, I'd forgotten about it, but I did that too. I wonder why...I'll
have to see if I can remember what I was feeling...

--aj

Kris Kris

I remember that when I was about 13 I was oblivious to
my own body odor. I rode horses a lot and could still
come home smelling like them (adding to my own cloud
of scents) and not feel a need to shower.

It was during an evening like this that my married
sister pulled me aside and gently told me the truth.
She said that her husband had commented on how I
smelled. I felt mortified and took a shower every day
after that. She didn't try to shame me, just laid it
on the line and let me choose what to do with the
information.

Kris

--- mamaaj2000 <mamaaj2000@...> wrote:

> --- In [email protected],
> "Kiersten Pasciak"
> <kjl8@c...> wrote:
> > I even went so far as to "fake" shower, ie. leave
> the water running
> > while I did something else in the bathroom, LOL
> > It seems so funny now, I can't believe I did it!
>
> Oh, I'd forgotten about it, but I did that too. I
> wonder why...I'll
> have to see if I can remember what I was feeling...
>
> --aj
>
>




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Jessie

This topic is so interesting to me! My stepson (as I've said before on
the site) LOVES to shower, will shower 3 times a day at times but NEVER
brushes his teeth. His breath is HORRID! His teeth are caked in plaque
- not pretty! We've mentioned this to him as straightforward as
possible but it really makes no difference and we've pretty much given
up. (When our daughter was 3 she told him his breath smelled awful -
the way she said it had us laughing inside! She was so blunt!)

Anyway, We figure one of his girlfriends will let him know eventually!
And you know how peers can be much more convincing than parents,
especially to schooled kids (which he is, by choice)!! I hope someday
he realizes how gorgeous his smile is and will want to take care to
keep it that way!

:)
Jessie


On Aug 24, 2004, at 3:03 PM, Kris Kris wrote:

> I remember that when I was about 13 I was oblivious to
> my own body odor.� I rode horses a lot and could still
> come home smelling like them (adding to my own cloud
> of scents) and not feel a need to shower.
>
> It was during an evening like this that my married
> sister pulled me aside and gently told me the truth.
> She said that her husband had commented on how I
> smelled.� I felt mortified and took a shower every day
> after that.� She didn't try to shame me, just laid it
> on the line and let me choose what to do with the
> information.
>
> Kris
>
> --- mamaaj2000 <mamaaj2000@...> wrote:
>
> > --- In [email protected],
> > "Kiersten Pasciak"
> > <kjl8@c...> wrote:
> > > I even went so far as to "fake" shower, ie. leave
> > the water running
> > > while I did something else in the bathroom, LOL
> > > It seems so funny now, I can't believe I did it!
> >
> > Oh, I'd forgotten about it, but I did that too. I
> > wonder why...I'll
> > have to see if I can remember what I was feeling...
> >
> > --aj
> >
> >
>
>
>
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Tosca

Heyas all,

These issues run deep as those of you who are dealing with them may
know since teeth came up I will share my life experience here;

When I was a toddler/preschooler I was addicted (only slightly
hahaha) to AIM toothpaste I remeber eating it heheheheheheh as well
as teeth brushing with no trouble.

One day there was is that Colgate the red hot tooth paste? I forget
but the taste was HOT and different I was not impressed. Later that
day (I don't know if maybe my mom noticed I hadn't liked it or was
just noticing it was in there and maybe didn't like it either* she
was telling my dad he should have bought AIM if only for my sake
seeing as the tooth paste was hot).

When I got AIM back I was happy but something was different. Years
later I hated toothpaste so much I wouldn't brush until teen hormones
hit then I did for the sake of kissing or the desire to be kissed.
But I hated the taste of toothpaste wouldn't leave it lingering in my
mouth wouldn't kiss anyone who tasted like it etc.

As an adult being single I went back to not brushing my teeth because
well I could. But as the WHITE celebrity teeth have become so
outstanding I started to want a brighter smile and by accident
stumbed upon Arm and Hammer dental powder. WOW a tooth 'soap' I can
tolerate. Through using it and some bouts with Thrush etc I have
learned I have a sensitive mouth and typical tooth pastes irritate it
that's why I have been avoiding them.

Plus my dentist told me to brush sans any paste or powder is better
than not brushing so I can brush with just water sans guilt when I am
without dental powder which is hard to find.

Sometimes we as humans are just being stubborn and rebelling for no
reason but many other times there are reasons for the things we are
rejecting that once uncovered can explain if not explain away why we
are acting as we are acting.

Take care

Tosca

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/25/04 6:13:48 PM, toscasac@... writes:

<< Plus my dentist told me to brush sans any paste or powder is better

than not brushing so I can brush with just water sans guilt when I am

without dental powder which is hard to find. >>

There might be internet sources.

My dad used Pepsodent dental powder, always, never switched to toothpaste.
When he ran out, he would use salt and baking soda. I use that sometimes
myself, just as a change.

Just as using a new shampoo seems WAY different after the same shampoo
twenty or thirty times, changing toothpaste seems to feel better to me, so we've
come to keep a basket of various toothpastes and people can switch out and try
them.

Sandra