Andrea Burlingame

I wanted to post again, because the last post about things being so hard seems so negative. We do have fun here and I enjoy my children a lot of the time,too. I think we go through bad spells and are having one right now. It doesn't help that I'm reacting to monthly hormones.

I do think my 3 yo, who I've written about before as being very challenging to everyone in my family in the past, is going through a rough time again lately. I don't know the reason, but she seems to be regressing a bit. It may be because she knows I'm frustrated by her potty learning. She was finally using the toilet fairly consistantly for a couple of weeks, and that was so nice. Then, she just started peeing everywhere again, and is still doing that much of the time 2 weeks or so later. Yet she doesn't want to wear diapers. She still doesn't speak clearly enough for me to always understand her, and that frustrates her too. I don't like that she uses such an ugly tone so much of the time. I've explained to her that people would be much happier about helping her when she needs it if she would only ask in a pleasant tone of voice rather than whining or screaming out orders to us all. This often just makes her yell louder for whatever it is she wants. If she already has what she wants, she just ignores me.

Anyway, I don't want to go on and on about her or the other kids. I don't know what I want, actually. I just want peace and mutual regard and respect in this house. I guess I also really need a break. Being out here on the coast, away from friends and my husband, who works during the week in Portland 3 hours away, I seldom get away by myself. On the extremely rare (a couple of times since I moved here in March) occasion that I can get away for an hour or two, I spend much of my time worrying about and justifying my need to get away and I find that I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really have a great friend in my husband and I feel lonely alot of the time, even when he is here. We're very broke even though he works all the time and we are living here cheaply because of a friend. Ugh. Here I go again...

I guess I'm just discontent. I don't know why I'm even writing this here. Sorry. Maybe someone will say something that will snap me out of it.

~Andrea

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn Coburn

<<<I do think my 3 yo, who I've written about before as being very
challenging to everyone in my family in the past, is going through a rough
time again lately. I don't know the reason, but she seems to be regressing
a bit. [snip]
I don't really have a great friend in my husband and I feel lonely alot of
the time, even when he is here.>>>>

When my dh and I are cranky with each other, or arguing, or just not in
harmony, the most obvious result is that Jayn becomes more whiney and
demanding of me and pushy towards him. Sometimes she tries to distract us
from each other with demanding behaviors.

I'm sorry that you are lonely even when he is there. That would be the
hardest thing for me to deal with.

On the few occasions that dh has been away for a week or more and then come
back, it has taken both Jayn and I some time to readjust and she has been
kinda mean seeming - a reaction to the unpleasantness of missing him. It
seems like this kind of continual flux in your dh's coming and going may be
contributing to the lack of balance and serenity in your household. Jayn is
only now starting to understand concepts of longer time - like "a week". I
usually count days. Grasping how long a month is, is still beyond her. Your
3yo may be having trouble grasping when Daddy is returning - it might just
seem like "a loooong unpredictable time" to her. Maybe she even sees him as
an intruder dividing your attention even more.

<<< don't like that she uses such an ugly tone so much of the time. I've
explained to her that people would be much happier about helping her when
she needs it if she would only ask in a pleasant tone of voice rather than
whining or screaming out orders to us all. This often just makes her yell
louder for whatever it is she wants. If she already has what she wants, she
just ignores me.>>>

Jayn ignores *lectures* from me any time I try to deliver them. My answer is
to keep it very brief if she is doing something negative that I feel needs a
comment from me. Thinking back I don't think she really had a grasp on what
was "whining" or "demanding tone" when she was three. I mean she used those
unpleasant ways of speaking, but did not *hear herself* that way.

If taking time to express your comments to her are preventing the
fulfillment of her request, then it is no wonder she is not listening to or
understanding the content of your words.

Don't make your dd have to guess what a pleasant tone of voice really is.
With Jayn I try hard to keep modeling what a "pleasant tone" is, both with
her and to dh. My occasional phrase, "I like it better when you speak kindly
to me" has a lot more meaning for her now, compared to a year ago. I also
say "Thank you for asking so pleasantly" as appropriate.

<<<I guess I also really need a break.>>>

<<< On the extremely rare (a couple of times since I moved here in March)
occasion that I can get away for an hour or two, I spend much of my time
worrying about and justifying my need to get away and I find that I don't
know what to do with myself.>>>>

I found myself doing that at one point with dh, when asking for a break, by
detailing the "important" things I would need to accomplish, to justify
wanting some time to myself. I realized that time to myself to do nothing
important was just as justified, and I did not need to create a reason for
dh's sake. Dh was more than sympathetic. He had been taking his cue from me,
by asking what I was going to "get done" with my time, even though I thought
it was him being demanding.

Robyn L. Coburn

---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.740 / Virus Database: 494 - Release Date: 8/16/2004

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/21/2004 2:12:08 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
aburlingame@... writes:
I just want peace and mutual regard and respect in this house.
---------------

Children can't go 50-50 on mutuality with adults. Most of the peace and
regard and respect have to come from the parent.

Traditionally, parents demand 100% respect. They can't get it. That
traditional way has many inherent problems.

'Mutual" will come if parents give more than hal for a lon gtime.

Bummer. It's way up the line. But I've seen many families in which it has
had great results.

-=- I don't really have a great friend in my husband and I feel lonely alot
of the time, even when he is here.-=-

Will he at least make a deal to give you time to take just one kid and not
all some afternoons or evenings? If you can get one child away alone, it's a
break for you and a joy for that child.

Sandra


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jennefer harper

Again, I've made comments with in the quotes. As with
my last post I did not have time to proof read with
two small kids running around me, so I hope it reads
well...


Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2004 13:09:42 -0700
From: "Andrea Burlingame"
<aburlingame@...>
Subject: Trying to breathe and start over...


>>I do think my 3 yo, who I've written about before as
>>being very
>>challenging to everyone in my family in the past, is
>>going through a rough
>>time again lately. I don't know the reason, but she
>>seems to be
>>regressing a bit.

There are probably a lot of reasons. Moving, 'potty
learning', and also she may be seeing how you act with
the 1 year old, and so she may want to act like a
'baby' again. I'm sure this is all pretty natural and
will turn around.

>>It may be because she knows I'm frustrated by her
>>potty
>>learning.

Seems like it might be, and you showing frustration
could be very damaging to her. Try not to let your
frustration show too much with this. I've heard that
at around age 3 and probably other ages, children's
bladders grow and they temporarily lose control.

>>Then, she just started peeing
>>everywhere again, and is still doing that much of
>>the time 2 weeks or so later.
>>Yet she doesn't want to wear diapers.

Have you tried padded underwear?

>>She still doesn't speak clearly
>>enough for me to always understand her

At age 3? Could she have a speech impediment?
Sign might be very helpful here too.

>>I've
>>explained to her that people would be much happier
>>about helping her
>>when she needs it if she would only ask in a
>>pleasant tone of voice rather
>>than whining or screaming out orders to us all.

When this happens in our house, I say, can you use
your nice voice, not your 'whiny' voice or whatever.
Usually this works right away; I also wait until my
child asks nicely before I do whatever it is they're
'asking' for.

>>I
>>don't know what I want, actually.

I know it's hard to have a clear sense, sometimes, of
what it is you do really want. Sometimes you think
you want one thing, but really what you want is
something else. Maybe meditating upon what your do
want and making a list might help you works on things.

>>I just want peace and mutual regard
>>and respect in this house.

Wow! Sounds ideal!

>>I guess I also really need a break.

Yeah, it sounds like this is really what you need!

>>Being
>>out here on the coast, away from friends and my
>>husband, who works during
>>the week in Portland 3 hours away

Are you on the Oregon Coast? Sounds like Reedsport.
I'm in Eugene and would be happy to be a Eugene
connection for you. Feel free to contact me off list.

>>I don't really have a great friend in my
>>husband and I feel lonely alot of the time, even
>>when he is here.

*Bummer* Maybe you can do some couple counseling.
That's a hard 3 hour commute. Doesn't seem to healthy
for the family.


>>We're
>>very broke even though he works all the time and we
>>are living here
>>cheaply because of a friend.

I know how it feels to have a partner who works 'all
the time' and still be broke. At least you have cheap
rent! Try to look into resources in your area where
you can get free stuff like free food/food assistance,
kid stuff etc. Maybe there is a freecycle organized
in your town. WWW.freecycle.com
Also, in helping to have a more positive attitude, try
looking at the bright side of living on the coast- the
ocean and beach! Take advantage of it. Just go;
don't ask the kids. Say, we're going to the ocean
today and pack the kids up! I was bummed out for
awhile because we live in a townhouse that has no
fenced in back yard and just a little patch of grass
and the other residences are pretty anal about leaving
out toys etc. The lawn people spray too so we never
planted anything edible. Anyhow, I was really bummed
about living here because we really had no back yard,
BUT we do have a pool- so I try to look at living here
as a positive experience of having free access to a
pool. My kids are teaching themselves to swim as a
result! So much is mental attitude.

Hope your days are getting better,
Jennefer





__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
New and Improved Yahoo! Mail - Send 10MB messages!
http://promotions.yahoo.com/new_mail

Andrea Burlingame

With Jayn I try hard to keep modeling what a "pleasant tone" is, both with
her and to dh. My occasional phrase, "I like it better when you speak kindly
to me" has a lot more meaning for her now, compared to a year ago. I also
say "Thank you for asking so pleasantly" as appropriate.
====================

I could do better in the modeling department, not that I'm usually ugly with
her, because I'm not, but I do get tired and frustrated, and my patience
wears thin. Then the "I'm the boss" tone comes out. (Which is really a
mistake, because then she gets REALLY loud and digs her heels in about
whatever we're at odds about!) Sometimes I lecture and nag too, though I
really try not to do that--my mom was infamous for this...still is. UGH!
Don't want to be like that. I really don't.

Still, for the most part I am civil and pleasant and loving when I talk to
my kids. Also I try to keep it short when I am reminding 3 yo to use a
pleasant voice. Sometimes she stops and re-does her request in a much less
whiny and demanding tone, but she also often chooses to just yell more
loudly at me. She is just young AND it is also in her nature to be a bit of
a growly bear. I think she really enjoys being contrary for the drama of
it, frankly, and sometimes it's downright funny because we can see she is
mustering up extra orneriness, just for effect, though we don't usually let
her see us laugh. But sometimes, actually, if we do laugh or somehow show
that we recognize her act, she gets in on the fun and laughs at herself too!
A real tension breaker.