eriksmama2001

I don't know. I do facilitate my son sleeping and waking on a
day/night pattern that I can function on too. I do not make him sleep
when he doesn't want to, but I do make the environment conducive
(like riding in the car, rocking, quiet videos, lullabyes, etc.). I
explain when I perceive that his self-control behaviors are
deteriorating (voice getting very loud and unable or unwilling to
consider it's effect on others in the house, hitting or jumping on
furniture and being unable to be redirected to other hitting and
jumping activities.). I share my perception that he appears to be
getting tired or hungary. I know that you and I are both wanting our
children to learn how to self-regulate meeting their sleep needs
without impacting others, and without interfering with their learning
by not making them sleep or wake according to our needs.

It is a very fine line. My need to function does not supersede his
need to learn unobstructed. Nor does his need to learn unobstructed
supersede my need to function with enough sleep. I use many tools to
meet my sleep needs irrelevant of my son's sleep patterns. (napping,
resting while he is engaged elsewhere, others playing so I can rest,
sleeping in or going to bed earlier when relief is available, etc.).

BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, I do communicate how his sleep (or lack
of sleep) pattern affects me WHEN his behavior impacts me due to him
being tired or hungary. I let him know that he appears to be tired or
hungary and I describe what I see and that I think we need to do xyz
wind down activities. I do not MAKE him, but I do emphatically
suggest repeatedly that he appears to need some rest or to eat.
Similarly, if he is disturbing me while I am resting (rare now), I
let him know that I do not have the energy for some activities and
tend to be grouchy if I do not get enough rest, just like he does. If
he insists he needs me, I do choose to meet his needs if no other
solution is available or agreeable.

On the other hand, I do rouse him from a nap to shorten it if it
appears that a long nap will cause us to all be up until 1 or 2 am
without enough sleep. Usually, I can just sleep when he sleeps and
this works for us. Or my husband and I take turns if we are on a late
pattern. BUT, and again this is a BIG BUT, I do not MAKE him wake up.
Excitedly attempt to engage him to awaken, yes, but if he is clearly
communicating that he doesn't want to get up, I don't MAKE him
miserable. In my sleep deprived state, such as you are describing, I
did try that out of desperation, but it was so against my principles
that I knew it wasn't a solution we could live with. I knew that we
could creatively solve the problem without coercion.

Is initiating waking him from a nap or telling him he needs rest
coercion? I don't think so, if I don't force it against his will. The
key is trying to persuade, listening and both of us having the
opportunity to change our mind when etiher person says "No, I don't
want to". My son doesn't have coercion used to make him do things he
doesn't want to do. I believe this is a key to his flexibility in
choosing to accomodate others' desires. Not always, of course.

Flexibility of all parties involved can be compromise or even
democracy. However, in compromise and even in democracy someone
concedes something. A dictatorship assumes someone dictates or
decides, no matter if it is benevolent. Common preference means
choosen by agreement of the parties involved, no one concedes or
decides for the others involved.

A whole new way of interacting? For many adults and for most
children, yes. It IS respecting (attention to, consideration of,
reguard for) others, but it is more than benevolence (kindness), it
is honoring another's right to self-determination.

Pat





--- In [email protected], "Robyn Coburn"
<dezigna@c...> wrote:
> <<<little mirror for me to learn about myself. He is so acutely in
tune
> a little bit. I am amazed at his ability to read me. He is
> NOT "acting out"; he is calling out for the calm mama. He will even
> start saying "little baby needs his mama".>>>>
>
> I am so happy to read this - I had forgotten this about Jayn.
Exhaustion and
> grumpiness really are contagious, aren't they? Just as much as joy
and
> calmness.
>
> Over the past few nights I have been very tired and crabby. Early
in the
> week Jayn suddenly switched to her up-all-night mode, instead of
slowly
> moving to it over a period of weeks. I was playing catch-up and felt
> desperate for sleep. Two nights ago she seemed to be crazier and
wilder the
> closer to morning it got (the tireder I got), including kicking me
in the
> head and laughing about it when I sat down near her.
>
> I find it very hard to stop her from hitting and kicking out.
Sometimes I am
> literally just batting her hands away from my face, or desperately
holding
> her arms down, while keeping her body far enough away that she
can't bite
> me. I am reluctant to hold her until she is calm, after reading Jan
Hunt's
> article "The Dangers of Holding Therapy" ( www.naturalchild.org )
although
> it is tough to know what to do instead. I do tell her to take deep
breaths
> and that helps her.
>
> It is clear to me that the best solution generally is to avoid
things
> escalating to the point where she is acting crazy. In the daytime
if there
> is restlessness we can run outside to the pool, go to the park, or
just run
> about the neighborhood. At four in the morning these options are
denied us,
> if only in consideration of the other apartment dwellers across the
> courtyard. Nor can she do too much big jumping and running in our
second
> floor apartment. Also my brain is not usually mush when I am less
tired.
>
> The first thing I did differently the following night was make sure
she had
> more food more regularly. My internal appetite/clock is so out of
whack that
> I just am not feeling hungry, so I had been waiting for her to let
me know
> that she was hungry. It made a lot of difference to just put out a
bowl of
> cut fruit and some eggs and bacon at appropriate (relative to hours
awake
> rather than the clock) times.
>
> The second thing was rather than squabble over the television (we
were
> arguing over who was going to watch the big tv for goodness sake) I
decided
> to use her little tv/dvd combo to catch up on some dvd's that I
have wanted
> to see, using the headphones for quiet. To my pleased amazement,
Jayn has
> spent the last two nights letting me do quite a lot of this quiet
watching,
> which is easy to pause when she needs something, while playing
nearby. She
> gets to watch her stuff, or have the big set off. We have also done
more
> reading, and she has been playing with her musical instruments. The
main
> plus is that I don't have to listen to yet another rerun of "Max
and Ruby".
>
> The third thing has been that she has spent some time in the
evening (her
> morning) playing with dh, a crucial break for both of us. He had
been out of
> the house for the first couple of "angry" nights, by coincidence,
and pretty
> much going directly to bed when he got home. Not having to be her
sole
> source of interaction has made me feel less pressured.
>
> The slow march back to daytime continues. Today she went to sleep a
little
> earlier than I would have liked at about 9.10am. Unless this is
just a nap,
> she will awaken at about 6.30 - 7pm. I'm about to go to bed now.
I'm going
> to keep the idea of her as a mirror in the forefront of my mind.
>
> Great post, Pat. I've saved it in my Unschooling Keepers folder.
>
> Robyn L. Coburn
>
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