Have a Nice Day!

This time its better :o).

I've been gaining more confidence in my daughter as she continues to make decisions. And the more this goes on, the more she talks to me. We had a really good talk at swim team practice the other night about drinking and drugs.

I think our relationship is becoming so much stronger than it was before.

Remember the friends who didn't want to come over to our house? Well, today they *did* come over. They were hesitant, but they came over while I was having a birthday party for my youngest daughter, so they pitched in a little and helped out. I think that helped break the tension for them.

Anyway, tonight there was a free concert at a large park about a half hour from here. It was a Celtic band (can't remember the name though)..they were from canada. I had mentioned to dd that I might go because I love Celtic music. She rounded up her friends and they all wanted to go too (suprise surprise!).

So we went. We all had a great time. One of the girls said it was one of the best times she's had in a long time. I enjoyed teasing them. They enjoyed telling me I should come up to the stage with them and dance LOL.

They thanked me up and down for taking them. I really appreciated that. I enjoyed watching them all dance in a circle and have a good time together while they included my 9 year old daughter too.

We also got stuck in the mud when were trying to park. Even inf 4WD we couldn't get out. We even tried putting the floor mats under the tires. No luck. We had to get out and find all kinds of debris (like sticks and such) to "make" a road. It was fun, and they learned something about getting unstuck LOL.

On the way home, we cranked the music and it was fun to hear them all sing together...even if it was Eminem (or however you spell it!!).

Maybe we'll have more good times like that. I hope so.

Kristen

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

I wanted to also mention that she seems to be making *better* decisions now that I'm not trying to "control" her.

She lets me know where she is. She takes her phone. She asks me to take her places instead of sneaking off like she used to. The few times she *has* snuck off, she has called me to have me come and get her, knowing she had to admit she snuck off. She confides in me and is much quicker to tell me the truth. Where she has been in situations where there was drinking or drugs, she has been careful, and while I wish she'd be *more* careful, she is getting there as she is learning how to use fairly sound judgement.

We still have some things to work on (we both still screw up) but I have to say that things are WAY better.

Having seen this transformation, I really believe I did the right thing by letting go and letting her make some decisions while not flipping out over things. (I do let her know when I'm mad but not by flipping out.)

What amazes me is how much I underestimated her. I never would have thought a 12 year old could be ready for making these kinds of "judgement calls".

Kristen







-----

This time its better :o).

I've been gaining more confidence in my daughter as she continues to make decisions. And the more this goes on, the more she talks to me. We had a really good talk at swim team practice the other night about drinking and drugs.

I think our relationship is becoming so much stronger than it was before.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

(I do let her know when I'm mad but not by flipping out.)

**********

Thought maybe I should restate this. I let her know when I disagree with her and why. And if I *am* angry, I try to make it very clear that I *am* angry. But its more so she know how I feel than it is to control her.

Kristen

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

pam sorooshian

On Jun 13, 2004, at 10:33 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:

> Thought maybe I should restate this. I let her know when I disagree
> with her and why. And if I *am* angry, I try to make it very clear
> that I *am* angry. But its more so she know how I feel than it is to
> control her.
>

You are an inspiration, Kristen. Thank you for sharing your life with
us!! I really mean it - it makes me very very happy to know that things
are going better for you two, and that others are benefitting from your
experience, too!!

-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.

Julie Bogart

What a great post! I love hearing how you are gaining confidence in your daughter and that
that rapport is making her want to be with you.

Love the concert you took them to!

Last summer I had the hardest time with my teen daughter. She was the socialite of the
season at only 13, driving places with her friends who were 17 and 18. Emotionally I was a
wreck learning how to trust her.

But it paid off. I mentioned not long ago to her how hard last summer was between us and
she got this puzzled look on her face and said, "Last summer? That was the best summer
of my life." :)

Today, she's as social as ever. She goes to a "Big House" to watch local bands play. She
was glad that it's alcohol and smoke free (run by Christians, I think). She figured out her
own rides to and from with a 16 year old boy. I met him last week.

She told me when he drives her he said, "I've never driven so carefully in my life." She said,
"Good." Then he said, "You're supposed to tell me that it's okay - that I can relax and rive
however I want to." She said, "No way. I want you to drive really carefully when you drive
me." He laughed.

I loved that she told me that.

Anyway, it does feel so much better to have open communication and a daughter who
laughs and talks likes being with you, isn't it?

Julie B

--- In [email protected], "Have a Nice Day!" <litlrooh@e...>
wrote:
> This time its better :o).
>
> I've been gaining more confidence in my daughter as she continues to make decisions.
And the more this goes on, the more she talks to me. We had a really good talk at swim
team practice the other night about drinking and drugs.
>
> I think our relationship is becoming so much stronger than it was before.
>
> Remember the friends who didn't want to come over to our house? Well, today they
*did* come over. They were hesitant, but they came over while I was having a birthday
party for my youngest daughter, so they pitched in a little and helped out. I think that
helped break the tension for them.
>
> Anyway, tonight there was a free concert at a large park about a half hour from here. It
was a Celtic band (can't remember the name though)..they were from canada. I had
mentioned to dd that I might go because I love Celtic music. She rounded up her friends
and they all wanted to go too (suprise surprise!).
>
> So we went. We all had a great time. One of the girls said it was one of the best times
she's had in a long time. I enjoyed teasing them. They enjoyed telling me I should come
up to the stage with them and dance LOL.
>
> They thanked me up and down for taking them. I really appreciated that. I enjoyed
watching them all dance in a circle and have a good time together while they included my
9 year old daughter too.
>
> We also got stuck in the mud when were trying to park. Even inf 4WD we couldn't get
out. We even tried putting the floor mats under the tires. No luck. We had to get out and
find all kinds of debris (like sticks and such) to "make" a road. It was fun, and they learned
something about getting unstuck LOL.
>
> On the way home, we cranked the music and it was fun to hear them all sing
together...even if it was Eminem (or however you spell it!!).
>
> Maybe we'll have more good times like that. I hope so.
>
> Kristen
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

Last summer I had the hardest time with my teen daughter. She was the socialite of the
season at only 13, driving places with her friends who were 17 and 18. Emotionally I was a
wreck learning how to trust her.


*************************

I have a question about this. It makes me very nervous to have my kids riding with young drivers (the trauma nurse in me).

How do you handle this?

Kristen

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie Bogart

--- In [email protected], "Have a Nice Day!" <litlrooh@e...>
wrote:
> Last summer I had the hardest time with my teen daughter. She was the socialite of the
> season at only 13, driving places with her friends who were 17 and 18. Emotionally I was
a wreck learning how to trust her.
>
>
> *************************
>
> I have a question about this. It makes me very nervous to have my kids riding with
young drivers (the trauma nurse in me).
>
> How do you handle this?


That is what made me nervous. And not without good reason. As a teen driver, I was in
five car accidents!

I've offered to drive when I had a question about a driver (there was one kid I worried
about and so drove my daughter instead). I've tried to know the kids who are the drivers to
reassure myself that this is someone who won't be drinking or getting high before driving.
(No guarantees, but so far, the kids my kids have befriended aren't those types)

And I've learned to trust my daughter. She doesn't want to drive with someone who is a
bad driver either. So she will tell me if she feels safe or not with so-and-so and then I can
come pick her up if she doesn't like the driver options.

Mostly, I had to give up worry. I drove all over Los Angeles in the middle of the night as a
teen and even with my accidents, survived. These are licensed drivers. The state thinks
they can drive. I know the risks are higher with teens, but I also know I can get in an
accident with my kids in my car too.

The main agreement we have with our kids (my oldest drives now too) is that they call
before leaving from any place at any time of day or night. They've both been amazingly
faithful to do this. And we don't have curfews. I don't like the idea of kids hurrying to get
home to beat an arbitrary time on a clock.

Julie B

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/13/04 11:31:57 PM, litlrooh@... writes:

<< What amazes me is how much I underestimated her. I never would have
thought a 12 year old could be ready for making these kinds of "judgement calls".
>>

Good stories! Thanks for sharing them.

Nobody can make a judgment call without the opportunity to do so, and too
many families wait until puberty to let them even try. After years of too much
control, it's like a wound up rubber band, tighter and tighter, and when they
do launch they go too far too fast and they're in territory they haven't
contemplated, and they don't trust their parents to help, only to exert more
control. So it's VERY cool that while kids are still young some parents can see
that and undo it.

Because my kids have had lots of freedom and a safe place to come back to,
they've shown since they were five and six that if a situation is uncomfortable
for them, they'll call for a ride home, or they'll say "I don't like this."
It took some coaching and it took their full awareness that just because one
situation didn't work out, they would still have opportunities to try others.
In other words, if they came back from a sleepover that wasn't going to turn
into, "No, obviously you're too young for sleepovers."

This weekend there was a time when I had the house alone again for a few
hours. Keith the dad was at a friend's swimming, Kirby and Marty (17/15) were on
Day 3 of a trip to Texas (they're asleep in their beds at the moment, which is
cool), and Holly (12) had gone to a friend's, a few blocks away. Keith had
come home and wanted to invite her swimming. I called over there to talk to
her. The girl she was visiting answered and said Holly was at the park
(between our houses, closer to theirs).

"By herself?"

"With my dad. They took some stuff over there for the barbecue we're going
to have."

I asked her to have Holly call me soon, and she did, and she wanted to stay
there instead, even though the friend was invited too. She would have had fun
either way, and so she stayed where she was.

Before she had gone I had watched Mystic River for the first time. I would
pause it when she came in, and I told her I didn't think she would like it.
But when she was going to walk to her friend's house (on Holly's own whim, not
knowing they were going to do a barbecue in the park), I jokingly said since
I'd just watched a scary movie for moms, I wanted to remind her not to get into
a car with men even f they say they're policemen. She laughed and said okay.
And I said, "And you're not planning to run away to Las Vegas, are you?" And
she said, "Well yeah, on Thursday. I'm going with you." [Darn. I had
forgotten that part. <g>] "And you're not planning to go to a bar with [the
other girl] and jump up on the bar and dance?" She shook her head slowly and
laughed and said "Not that I know of."

I said, "Okay, go."

What's creepy about it is that the second that the girl said Holly was with
her dad, I had a sub-dermal bristle. It was interesting. My body went "oh
no" but my mind was fine.

When Holly was little, she didn't like to be there even if everyone else was
home and the dad was home, but she doesn't remember that. She used to call
and ask for a ride because the dad had come home. She didn't like the way he
talked to his kids, and she didn't want to be there. But the last time I
asked her about it she said there were no problems.

So what I'm too-slowly building up to is that the result of all this will be
that I won't worry about the kids and dating at all. They're cautious,
honest, responsible and they lack the sort of desperation that causes people to put
up with bullshit just to "have a date" or have a boyfriend/girlfriend, or to
stay out of the house longer, just because they don't have to be home until
midnight.

My parents used to say "When you show us you're responsible, we'll give you
more freedom." To them, being responsible meant doing exactly what they said
without question. That's obedience, not responsibility. It involves NO
judgment, just rule-following.

Sandra

pam sorooshian

On Jun 14, 2004, at 6:52 AM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:

> I have a question about this. It makes me very nervous to have my
> kids riding with young drivers (the trauma nurse in me).
>
> How do you handle this?
>
> Kristen

Got my own daughter a decent car and really good driving instruction
and LOTS of experience as quickly as possible so that she would BE the
driver more often than not. I trust HER driving more than most others.

After that, lots of teeth gritting - it IS hard.

-pam

National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.

Renee Seawell

Lots of Prayer and Faith. It doesn't get any easier but you're not alone.

Renee in GA

__________________________________________________
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Have a Nice Day!

Nobody can make a judgment call without the opportunity to do so, and too
many families wait until puberty to let them even try. **********


What really irks me is that because I let my kids do this, other parents look at me like I'm "white trash".

Its insulting to me because giving my kids these freedoms was a struggle, with a lot of thinking and researching, and wrestling and talking and negotiating.

On the surface, it might appear that my kids have freedom like the other kids (whose parents don't care). But underneath it, my kids have a mom who is right in the thick of it WITH them...not passed out on the sofa drunk as a skunk!

Many days I have to just say "oh well" and let it roll off my back. I know what I'm doing is right. Whether or not their kids grow up and are "ok" or "without baggage" is not my concern. There is more than one way to parent and not everyone will do it the way I want to do it.

But *I* know that *my* kids will grow up as strong individuals who can think for themselves, and who can handle themselves in tough situations, and who won't have a lot of baggage to carry with them when *they* are parents.

As they say, the proof is in the pudding. The pudding's just not done yet :o).

Kristen





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/14/04 9:38:12 AM, litlrooh@... writes:

<< What really irks me is that because I let my kids do this, other parents
look at me like I'm "white trash". >>

I feel that way everytime someone says "Naturally I don't let them watch TV,"
and I say "I let them watch all they want."

The first few seconds are absolutely dripping with that kind of "what sort of
low-life slug have I encountered, and how quickly can I get away?"

-=-On the surface, it might appear that my kids have freedom like the other
kids (whose parents don't care). But underneath it, my kids have a mom who is
right in the thick of it WITH them...not passed out on the sofa drunk as a
skunk!-=-

Yep, yep, yep!

Sandra

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/14/2004 1:56:55 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:

<< What really irks me is that because I let my kids do this, other parents
look at me like I'm "white trash". >>

I feel that way everytime someone says "Naturally I don't let them watch
TV,"
and I say "I let them watch all they want."

The first few seconds are absolutely dripping with that kind of "what sort
of
low-life slug have I encountered, and how quickly can I get away?"

-=-On the surface, it might appear that my kids have freedom like the other
kids (whose parents don't care). But underneath it, my kids have a mom who
is
right in the thick of it WITH them...not passed out on the sofa drunk as a
skunk!-=-



<<<<

Cameron's girlfriend's mother described me to Carly, who repeated it to
Cameron, who repeated it to me! <G>, as "flighty"---and then went on to tell her
that I just didn't CARE what Cameron did.

Carly and Cameron both knew better. Both of them will tell me where they've
been, what they've been doing and with whom. Neither will tell Carly's mother.

Sweet Carly is in Australia for three weeks with People to People---same
trip Cameron went on four years ago.

I talked with her mom yesterday----just to check on her, see how she was
doing without her daughter. She confided that she was trying really hard to
learn to let go a bit----that she can't always know where Carly is (duh!) and
that she'd going to have to let up some on her controls. <g>

I just smiled.

~Kelly


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/14/04 1:24:54 PM, kbcdlovejo@... writes:

<< that she can't always know where Carly is (duh!) and
that she'd going to have to let up some on her controls. <g> >>

I always know where my kids are.

Thursday night Kirby came and said "This needs to be updated."
"This" is his now-a-page-long list of phone numbers of his friends, their
cellphones, their moms' phones sometimes, some e-mail addresses. Some updates
came from changes he had made to his wallet-copy. Some were from the copy
that's been on the wall by the calendar.

Twice I've looked for Kirby and found him in two calls. He wasn't hiding
out, it wasn't an emergency, it was just me trying to make sure he remembered
something once, and passing on a message the other time. (Another time he hadn't
e-mailed to say he'd be out all night, but I called the place he most likely
was, and he was there and their e-mail was down.)

LOTS and lots of times I was not where I had told my mom I would be, or I
said "We're going for a burger" and that meant cruising around town until we
found a place to hang out. As long as I was home at the appointed moment (I never
came home early, NEVER--if I did I stayed in the car I'd come home in until
the moment I had to be in the door) she didn't care to know the details.

-=-Carly and Cameron both knew better. Both of them will tell me where
they've
been, what they've been doing and with whom. Neither will tell Carly's
mother. -=-

I often know where my kids' friends are, even when they're not here or with
my kids. There are a couple of boys who are here LOTS. One is here more than
he's home. Another is here for 30 to 50 hours at a stretch, and his parents
share custody. Lucky for them (or not) he isn't making it hard for them to do
that. :-/


Sandra

Sandra

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/14/2004 3:54:56 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:

<< that she can't always know where Carly is (duh!) and
that she'd going to have to let up some on her controls. <g> >>

I always know where my kids are. <<<<<


Right.

But not if they won't tell you!

And Carly WON'T!

~Kelly







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

There are a couple of boys who are here LOTS. One is here more than
he's home. Another is here for 30 to 50 hours at a stretch, <<<<<


Just this week, one of my son's friends stayed with us for about 5 days AND nights straight. I wasn't sure how long this was going to last. Last summer it lasted for 2 full weeks.

Its fine with me. But there are other friends that I wouldn't want here that long, just because I would go nuts.

Kristen





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lisa Williams

> In a message dated 6/14/04 9:38:12 AM, litlrooh@... writes:
>
> << What really irks me is that because I let my kids do this, other
parents
> look at me like I'm "white trash". >>
>
> I feel that way everytime someone says "Naturally I don't let them watch
TV,"
> and I say "I let them watch all they want."
>
> The first few seconds are absolutely dripping with that kind of "what sort
of
> low-life slug have I encountered, and how quickly can I get away?"

What do you do if this happens in front of your children?!?! I live in a
very small village where we are the newcomers and the ONLY
homeschoolers...if I said UNschoolers they would probably take me out back
and "teach" me a "lesson"!!

My daughter is 12 and is very aware of people's tone of voice or smirky
eyebrow lifting. We get the about mentioned encounters quite a bit. In her
own words she thinks these people that try to grill us on "just exactly what
DO you do?", should mind their own business if they aren't genuinely
interested. But I feel sad for her to have to have people look at her with
pity or make her feel like her mom is a mom that is not so good as the rest
of 'em. We both love what we do at home and together. My daughter tends to
reflect on the fact that she/we are the different ones after someone
confronts us and what can I say or do for her to alleviate this "different
is bad" feeling? When we are pushed up against the public schooled
majority, what can I say to these people in the heat of the moment? I want
to say something that reflects how happy and strong I feel in my decision
but still try to be friendly. Maybe I don't have to worry about the
friendly part so much since they aren't?!

Thanks for your comments, Lisa in IL

Have a Nice Day!

A few of the strategies that worked for me were:

Don't discuss it with others, just go about your business.

If you do discuss it, keep it very general, and keep it to what she *is* doing, not focused on what she's *not* doing...you can use that to gradually steer the conversation in another direction then...or use it to point out the things your daughter has in common with the other kids in the area.

Don't say the word "unschool".

And if they give you the lopsided eyebrow look, just shrug your shoulders and say "it works for us" with a great big smile, while you turn to walk away.

Kristen


What do you do if this happens in front of your children?!?! I live in a
very small village where we are the newcomers and the ONLY
homeschoolers...if I said UNschoolers they would probably take me out back
and "teach" me a "lesson"!!

My daughter is 12 and is very aware of people's tone of voice or smirky
eyebrow lifting. We get the about mentioned encounters quite a bit. In her
own words she thinks these people that try to grill us on "just exactly what
DO you do?", should mind their own business if they aren't genuinely
interested. But I feel sad for her to have to have people look at her with
pity or make her feel like her mom is a mom that is not so good as the rest
of 'em. We both love what we do at home and together. My daughter tends to
reflect on the fact that she/we are the different ones after someone
confronts us and what can I say or do for her to alleviate this "different
is bad" feeling? When we are pushed up against the public schooled
majority, what can I say to these people in the heat of the moment? I want
to say something that reflects how happy and strong I feel in my decision
but still try to be friendly. Maybe I don't have to worry about the
friendly part so much since they aren't?!

Thanks for your comments, Lisa in IL




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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

<< When we are pushed up against the public schooled
majority, what can I say to these people in the heat of the moment? >>

You could say "It's working really well for now, and if it stops working
we'll try something else." And smile BIG.

That's friendly and positive.

-=-I want
to say something that reflects how happy and strong I feel in my decision
but still try to be friendly. Maybe I don't have to worry about the
friendly part so much since they aren't?!-=-

If they press ask if they want to borrow a book to read, after which you'd be
glad to discuss it again.

And stick to that. You don't discuss it any more until they read the book.
Simple "if/then" business.

Sandra

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/15/04 12:18:01 PM, glmnw@... writes:

<< > The first few seconds are absolutely dripping with that kind of "what
sort

of

> low-life slug have I encountered, and how quickly can I get away?"


-=-What do you do if this happens in front of your children?!?! . . .
My daughter is 12 and is very aware of people's tone of voice or smirky

eyebrow lifting. -=-


After they're gone we discuss how sad it is that they have no idea how nice
life can be.

My kids have many times started a conversation with me with a statement like
"I feel sorry for [whoever's] kids, because their mom thinks..." or "I wish
[adult name] would be nicer to his/her kids."

They know. My kids know. They know that people's negative reactions to
unschooling are masking fear or jealousy or ignorance.

-=- But I feel sad for her to have to have people look at her with

pity or make her feel like her mom is a mom that is not so good as the rest

of 'em. -=-

Holly went through that for a while a few years ago. She was never fooled by
it, but she would come back and report little snippy things, or moments a mom
sighed and looked at her with stage-compassion (I don't know a word for it,
but Holly sure acts it out well <g>). That was when Holly wasn't reading
and another family was in the throes of bragging about her kids' educational
progress, and doing a kind of hothouse homeschooling (a frenzy of trying to
impress their grandmother, who has a master's in special ed). Holly wasn't taking
three or four classes and working hard on "her reading" every day. She was
just playing and hanging out. [insert a sigh and a look of pity you could note
at 100 yards there]

You can all guess the rest, I'm sure.

Sandra