Penn Acres

December 1, 2003 (AP). At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a plane in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a hastily-called press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Jebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Jebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They pursue their processes by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolutes. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer frequently to "unknowns".

"But as the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. "We have determined they belong to a common denominator of the Axis of co-eval with coordinates in every country."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our homeland defenders has given us a sine that they are protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a higher power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Bush concluded: "To al-Jebra, I say: 'Read my ellipse. Though you may continue to multiply, your days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around your neck.'"

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