help with dad
Mary
I know a few people here have posted about husbands not getting the whole unschooling way or about restrictions on food and such. I am sorry to say I have never really followed those threads well. My husband and I are so in tuned to wanting better and are always able to come to agreements about this family. He is real easy going and never gives me problems by wanting things differently.
So now, my friend is unschooling and also switching her parenting ways to less rules. I never really talked to her about doing so, it just follows along with what she wants for her son as far as him making choices. And she sees me and my kids a lot and how we do things and how we are all because of it.
So she's run into a problem. She likes having a sit down dinner every night. Her son gets food they all eat and that she knows he likes. But she hasn't totally eased up on food or bedtimes. (yet!) Anyway, her son ate his dinner that she made and was eating chips afterwards. Now she normally would have restricted the amount of chips he was having even after eating dinner. Well last night she didn't. She's not seeing it as a big deal anymore.
Unfortunately her husband still is. As crazy as it sounds, he can't understand how the boy will learn self control if they don't set limits for him. Sounds totally absurd to me but it made sense to him.
They never came to an agreement on it. She's upset she can't get him to see that. I'm at a loss as to what she can do with her husband. She's reading through Sandra's stuff and loving every minute. It's helping her a lot to see things that she's reading there and with what she sees with us. It's all coming together for her. Not for her husband. I did try and give her examples in her own life to see if she can find something similar with her husband to have him see what she's talking about.
Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work? How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
I must also say this dad is gone quite a bit on business. So my friend has pretty much free reign on what goes on. But when he's home, it's a different story. And that's when she doesn't want trouble. He's not home often and she doesn't want to spend the time disagreeing.
Any suggestions?
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So now, my friend is unschooling and also switching her parenting ways to less rules. I never really talked to her about doing so, it just follows along with what she wants for her son as far as him making choices. And she sees me and my kids a lot and how we do things and how we are all because of it.
So she's run into a problem. She likes having a sit down dinner every night. Her son gets food they all eat and that she knows he likes. But she hasn't totally eased up on food or bedtimes. (yet!) Anyway, her son ate his dinner that she made and was eating chips afterwards. Now she normally would have restricted the amount of chips he was having even after eating dinner. Well last night she didn't. She's not seeing it as a big deal anymore.
Unfortunately her husband still is. As crazy as it sounds, he can't understand how the boy will learn self control if they don't set limits for him. Sounds totally absurd to me but it made sense to him.
They never came to an agreement on it. She's upset she can't get him to see that. I'm at a loss as to what she can do with her husband. She's reading through Sandra's stuff and loving every minute. It's helping her a lot to see things that she's reading there and with what she sees with us. It's all coming together for her. Not for her husband. I did try and give her examples in her own life to see if she can find something similar with her husband to have him see what she's talking about.
Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work? How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
I must also say this dad is gone quite a bit on business. So my friend has pretty much free reign on what goes on. But when he's home, it's a different story. And that's when she doesn't want trouble. He's not home often and she doesn't want to spend the time disagreeing.
Any suggestions?
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Elizabeth Roberts
Things are more restricted when Paul is home...we try to just go with it, but it isn't easy for us...
MamaBeth
Mary <mummy124@...> wrote:
I know a few people here have posted about husbands not getting the whole unschooling way or about restrictions on food and such. I am sorry to say I have never really followed those threads well. My husband and I are so in tuned to wanting better and are always able to come to agreements about this family. He is real easy going and never gives me problems by wanting things differently.
So now, my friend is unschooling and also switching her parenting ways to less rules. I never really talked to her about doing so, it just follows along with what she wants for her son as far as him making choices. And she sees me and my kids a lot and how we do things and how we are all because of it.
So she's run into a problem. She likes having a sit down dinner every night. Her son gets food they all eat and that she knows he likes. But she hasn't totally eased up on food or bedtimes. (yet!) Anyway, her son ate his dinner that she made and was eating chips afterwards. Now she normally would have restricted the amount of chips he was having even after eating dinner. Well last night she didn't. She's not seeing it as a big deal anymore.
Unfortunately her husband still is. As crazy as it sounds, he can't understand how the boy will learn self control if they don't set limits for him. Sounds totally absurd to me but it made sense to him.
They never came to an agreement on it. She's upset she can't get him to see that. I'm at a loss as to what she can do with her husband. She's reading through Sandra's stuff and loving every minute. It's helping her a lot to see things that she's reading there and with what she sees with us. It's all coming together for her. Not for her husband. I did try and give her examples in her own life to see if she can find something similar with her husband to have him see what she's talking about.
Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work? How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
I must also say this dad is gone quite a bit on business. So my friend has pretty much free reign on what goes on. But when he's home, it's a different story. And that's when she doesn't want trouble. He's not home often and she doesn't want to spend the time disagreeing.
Any suggestions?
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
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MamaBeth
Mary <mummy124@...> wrote:
I know a few people here have posted about husbands not getting the whole unschooling way or about restrictions on food and such. I am sorry to say I have never really followed those threads well. My husband and I are so in tuned to wanting better and are always able to come to agreements about this family. He is real easy going and never gives me problems by wanting things differently.
So now, my friend is unschooling and also switching her parenting ways to less rules. I never really talked to her about doing so, it just follows along with what she wants for her son as far as him making choices. And she sees me and my kids a lot and how we do things and how we are all because of it.
So she's run into a problem. She likes having a sit down dinner every night. Her son gets food they all eat and that she knows he likes. But she hasn't totally eased up on food or bedtimes. (yet!) Anyway, her son ate his dinner that she made and was eating chips afterwards. Now she normally would have restricted the amount of chips he was having even after eating dinner. Well last night she didn't. She's not seeing it as a big deal anymore.
Unfortunately her husband still is. As crazy as it sounds, he can't understand how the boy will learn self control if they don't set limits for him. Sounds totally absurd to me but it made sense to him.
They never came to an agreement on it. She's upset she can't get him to see that. I'm at a loss as to what she can do with her husband. She's reading through Sandra's stuff and loving every minute. It's helping her a lot to see things that she's reading there and with what she sees with us. It's all coming together for her. Not for her husband. I did try and give her examples in her own life to see if she can find something similar with her husband to have him see what she's talking about.
Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work? How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
I must also say this dad is gone quite a bit on business. So my friend has pretty much free reign on what goes on. But when he's home, it's a different story. And that's when she doesn't want trouble. He's not home often and she doesn't want to spend the time disagreeing.
Any suggestions?
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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J. Stauffer
<<Any suggestions?>>
My dh and I are just about as different as night and day. Think Dharma and
Greg. so needless to say, our approach to parenting tends to be somewhat
different as well. It took time and lots of talking, but what we finally
came to is simply respecting each other and who we are. We talk a lot about
what is bothering us (about the kids or whatever) and WHY. Is it about the
kids or is it about us or is it just some left over "shoulds" from when we
were kids.
I am not an organized and orderly person, neither are my kids. I posted
about how insane our home becomes a few weeks ago. But for the most part, I
do try to get things organized somewhat because it is important to Dh and he
is part of the family as well. I ask the kids to help pick up about half an
hour before we expect dh home and they are usually willing to help.
Funny thing is.....now I see him working to help them as well....being more
considerate of who they are and why they are that way.
Julie S.
My dh and I are just about as different as night and day. Think Dharma and
Greg. so needless to say, our approach to parenting tends to be somewhat
different as well. It took time and lots of talking, but what we finally
came to is simply respecting each other and who we are. We talk a lot about
what is bothering us (about the kids or whatever) and WHY. Is it about the
kids or is it about us or is it just some left over "shoulds" from when we
were kids.
I am not an organized and orderly person, neither are my kids. I posted
about how insane our home becomes a few weeks ago. But for the most part, I
do try to get things organized somewhat because it is important to Dh and he
is part of the family as well. I ask the kids to help pick up about half an
hour before we expect dh home and they are usually willing to help.
Funny thing is.....now I see him working to help them as well....being more
considerate of who they are and why they are that way.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Mary" <mummy124@...>
To: "Unschooling discussion list" <[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, December 07, 2003 2:04 PM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] help with dad
> I know a few people here have posted about husbands not getting the whole
unschooling way or about restrictions on food and such. I am sorry to say I
have never really followed those threads well. My husband and I are so in
tuned to wanting better and are always able to come to agreements about this
family. He is real easy going and never gives me problems by wanting things
differently.
>
> So now, my friend is unschooling and also switching her parenting ways to
less rules. I never really talked to her about doing so, it just follows
along with what she wants for her son as far as him making choices. And she
sees me and my kids a lot and how we do things and how we are all because of
it.
>
> So she's run into a problem. She likes having a sit down dinner every
night. Her son gets food they all eat and that she knows he likes. But she
hasn't totally eased up on food or bedtimes. (yet!) Anyway, her son ate his
dinner that she made and was eating chips afterwards. Now she normally would
have restricted the amount of chips he was having even after eating dinner.
Well last night she didn't. She's not seeing it as a big deal anymore.
>
> Unfortunately her husband still is. As crazy as it sounds, he can't
understand how the boy will learn self control if they don't set limits for
him. Sounds totally absurd to me but it made sense to him.
>
> They never came to an agreement on it. She's upset she can't get him to
see that. I'm at a loss as to what she can do with her husband. She's
reading through Sandra's stuff and loving every minute. It's helping her a
lot to see things that she's reading there and with what she sees with us.
It's all coming together for her. Not for her husband. I did try and give
her examples in her own life to see if she can find something similar with
her husband to have him see what she's talking about.
>
> Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are
there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that
work? How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of
the way.
>
> I must also say this dad is gone quite a bit on business. So my friend has
pretty much free reign on what goes on. But when he's home, it's a different
story. And that's when she doesn't want trouble. He's not home often and she
doesn't want to spend the time disagreeing.
>
> Any suggestions?
>
>
> Mary B.
> http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/7/03 1:41:07 PM, mamabethuscg@... writes:
<< Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are
there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work?
How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
rules and expectations ended up divorced. :-/
<< But when he's home, it's a different story. And that's when she doesn't
want trouble. He's not home often and she doesn't want to spend the time
disagreeing.
<<Any suggestions?
every month or so. We had that problem sometimes. He would come home somewhat
frustrated and embarrassed not to know the current routine (and then we moved,
so he didn't even always know where to find a knife or the extra toilet
paper), and the kids were older, and sometimes there was static.
What helped me was to feed him successes by phone and e-mail and let him know
in some enthusiastic way how I had thought X might happen, but it didn't, and
things were SO peaceful and smooth this week. I sneaked it in on him between
visits, I guess.
And sometimes I just took him aside and trying to walk that fine line would
tell him he should spend his time with the kids being sweet and patient, and
let me be the bad guy when he was gone if they really needed it. (I knew they
didn't.)
It's easy to make it sound like "It's better when you're not here," and it's
rough when that's the truth. It's not a good thing to say to a dad who's off
working no matter how true it is!!
Sandra
<< Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are
there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work?
How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
>>One couple I knew where the mom and dad just maintained different sets of
rules and expectations ended up divorced. :-/
<< But when he's home, it's a different story. And that's when she doesn't
want trouble. He's not home often and she doesn't want to spend the time
disagreeing.
<<Any suggestions?
>>My husband worked in Minneapolis for four years, with weeklong trips home
every month or so. We had that problem sometimes. He would come home somewhat
frustrated and embarrassed not to know the current routine (and then we moved,
so he didn't even always know where to find a knife or the extra toilet
paper), and the kids were older, and sometimes there was static.
What helped me was to feed him successes by phone and e-mail and let him know
in some enthusiastic way how I had thought X might happen, but it didn't, and
things were SO peaceful and smooth this week. I sneaked it in on him between
visits, I guess.
And sometimes I just took him aside and trying to walk that fine line would
tell him he should spend his time with the kids being sweet and patient, and
let me be the bad guy when he was gone if they really needed it. (I knew they
didn't.)
It's easy to make it sound like "It's better when you're not here," and it's
rough when that's the truth. It's not a good thing to say to a dad who's off
working no matter how true it is!!
Sandra
Mary
From: <SandraDodd@...>
<<And sometimes I just took him aside and trying to walk that fine line
would
tell him he should spend his time with the kids being sweet and patient, and
let me be the bad guy when he was gone if they really needed it. (I knew
they
didn't.)>>
This made me smile. I did the same thing with Joe. When I just couldn't get
him to see a point at that time, I would give him the old let me be the bad
guy talk. It always worked. He would realize right away that his time was
precious and the thing he was upset about no big deal. I can't say I've felt
the need to do that for a long time now. I take that as a good sign.
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
<<And sometimes I just took him aside and trying to walk that fine line
would
tell him he should spend his time with the kids being sweet and patient, and
let me be the bad guy when he was gone if they really needed it. (I knew
they
didn't.)>>
This made me smile. I did the same thing with Joe. When I just couldn't get
him to see a point at that time, I would give him the old let me be the bad
guy talk. It always worked. He would realize right away that his time was
precious and the thing he was upset about no big deal. I can't say I've felt
the need to do that for a long time now. I take that as a good sign.
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
Stepheny Cappel
We are still doing two different things here, although Frank hardly ever spanked them at all. I talk about peaceful parenting to other people and Frank hears me and nods his head in affirmation. So I know he is hearing me. And he sees me trying the different things. It is obvious. He is ok with it. He didn't like it when I brought the candy home and let them have all they wanted but I just do it anyway and he hasn't said anything else. I told him eventually they wouldn't eat that much of it, and he thought I was crazy but he's interested in it as much as I am.
But when he tells them something they know they cannot come to me afterwards and try to get it turned around. They have learned quick who to go to when they want to do something. And he has this thing about they have to ask they just can't tell they are going to do something and he always says yes, he just thinks it sounds better to ask for something rather than demand it.
And if he says something and they look to me sometimes I shrug and we just talk about it later. He isn't real demanding though. He's always been a what ever you say guy.
Stepheny
In a message dated 12/7/03 1:41:07 PM, mamabethuscg@... writes:
<< Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are
there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work?
How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
But when he tells them something they know they cannot come to me afterwards and try to get it turned around. They have learned quick who to go to when they want to do something. And he has this thing about they have to ask they just can't tell they are going to do something and he always says yes, he just thinks it sounds better to ask for something rather than demand it.
And if he says something and they look to me sometimes I shrug and we just talk about it later. He isn't real demanding though. He's always been a what ever you say guy.
Stepheny
In a message dated 12/7/03 1:41:07 PM, mamabethuscg@... writes:
<< Are there people here who do 2 different things with their children. Are
there homes where dad imposes restrictions and mom doesn't? How does that work?
How do you handle so mom and dad aren't butting heads every step of the way.
>>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tia Leschke
>Maybe ask how someone can learn to limit themselves if someone else is
>Unfortunately her husband still is. As crazy as it sounds, he can't
>understand how the boy will learn self control if they don't set limits
>for him. Sounds totally absurd to me but it made sense to him.
always setting the limits.
Tia