sonyacurti

Hi to all you very wise women,

I know this isn't my problem (right now) but I am connect so I
thought I would share this with all of you in hopes you could
enlighten me with some inspiring words.

My husband called his ex-wifes house to talk to the children. His ex-
wife was at the her the end of her ropes with the children (both
boys 15 and 11) who are doing horribly in school. She was looking
for my husband to rescue her and like I said many times before to
both of them is all I can do is offer to keep the boys with me to
homeschool (unschool)them with my 7 year old son. Of course they are
still trying to grasp the whole concept of homeschool so I don't
scare them with the word unschool as of yet.

Of course my husband would want nothing more than to have them here
but his ex-wife is dead against it (right now anyway). She wouldn't
get all that lovely $$ support (another story - another list). As
for me I know they could benifit just from being out of the school
system and it would be a BIG ADJUSTMENT but I am sure it would be a
learning exsperoence for all. I would be willing to take on the
challange though.

We have gone through this before this many tmes and life just goes
on and on. This time she said to my husband that she wants all four
of us to get together and talk. I say to my husband I whole
different philosophy on school and education why the hell would you
want to get together and talk with me or why would I want to talk
with you ???

Anyway, I was wondering if you had any suggestions. I thought all I
can do is offer my life style and what I believe in and they can do
what they want with it. Does anyone have any complicated blended
family stories to share about unschooling ?? Does anyone unschool
their stepchildren at all ?? I thought if she is desparate she might
take me up on the offer. I know she would never dream of doing it
herself.

Thank you ,
Sonya

Betsy

**We have gone through this before this many tmes and life just goes
on and on. This time she said to my husband that she wants all four
of us to get together and talk. I say to my husband I whole
different philosophy on school and education why the hell would you
want to get together and talk with me or why would I want to talk
with you ??? **

Possibly she's dreaming that you could take over responsibility for the
boys but still follow her philosophy?

My mom pushed me at age 15 to go live with my dad and his brand new wife
because my brother (13) and I were making her crazy and she was
exhausted from 6 years as a single parent.

I've just been talking to my dad about this time (30 years ago) recently
and he feels it was very hard on his marriage.

We were all public schooled, so the comparison breaks down at this
point. Good luck!

Betsy

[email protected]

I would jump at the opportunity to talk to this woman. If she is at the end
of her rope, looks like you are standing there ready to catch her by taking
the boys yourselves. I am a remarried woman, so I know what it is like to deal
with ex's and such. I see her wanting to get together as reaching out and
trying to accomplish something, anything, for the sake of those boys. I would
keep in mind here the issue is how to help the boys, not forcing anyone's
lifestyle on anyone else. If they come to live with you, they are going to be
homeschooled, period. A non-issue. IF this is what your husband feels as well,
because they are, after all, his children. If she doesn't agree with that, then
living with you isn't a topic to be discussed. What else does she want to
talk about? I think I'd want to know. Remember that saying, something about
keep your friends close, your enemies closer? Sounds like you view her as the
enemy, so I'd be there. If you can help the boys, great, if it doesn't work
out, oh, well, you tried. That's just my opinion.

Carol


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/28/03 8:59:51 AM, Halo5964@... writes:

<< If they come to live with you, they are going to be
homeschooled, period. A non-issue. >>

But if she loses both their social security checks and her mother of a
dependent child check (IF that's the financial consideration) that's over $1800 a
month.

What I did when I took custody of my brother and my mom wouldn't have been
able to live without her check was I took half the money and she kept half.

Maybe you can do that with the ex. Let her keep half or more, and if she
squawks at what you're doing, point out that she's needing to be quiet because
any government attention and she'll lose that money.

Sandra

sonyacurti

--- In [email protected], Halo5964@a... wrote:
> I would jump at the opportunity to talk to this woman. If she is
at the end
> of her rope, looks like you are standing there ready to catch her
by taking
> the boys yourselves. I am a remarried woman, so I know what it is
like to deal
> with ex's and such. I see her wanting to get together as reaching
out and
> trying to accomplish something, anything, for the sake of those
boys. I would
> keep in mind here the issue is how to help the boys, not forcing
anyone's
> lifestyle on anyone else. If they come to live with you, they are
going to be
> homeschooled, period. A non-issue. IF this is what your husband
feels as well,
> because they are, after all, his children. If she doesn't agree
with that, then
> living with you isn't a topic to be discussed. What else does she
want to
> talk about? I think I'd want to know. Remember that saying,
something about
> keep your friends close, your enemies closer? Sounds like you
view her as the
> enemy, so I'd be there. If you can help the boys, great, if it
doesn't work
> out, oh, well, you tried. That's just my opinion.
>
> Carol
> ############################################################
> Thanks Carol and Betsy,
For your replies I appreciate it.

Perhaps she is waiting for another offer to come her way.
She has dreamed that before - that I would take them and put them in
our town's school. My husband has exspressed that he wants nothing
more to come home to their smiling faces everyday after
homeschooling them he would like to see both happen !! However, I
do realize that because of the dynamics it would be the BIGGEST
challange I have ever taken on. I thought it was funny how you
picked up on the "enimies" thing. I guess she is reaching out and
perhaps she is willing to try ANYTHING as crazy as it may seem.
Perhaps,when I pick up the children I will open the topic and invite
her to talk with me when the children are not around.
The oldest that is 15 is at a very critical age in his life and I
feel this is where we can loose him. He has been wanting to live
with us since he was 6 and quite frankly I always wanted him but I
am tired of this yo yo thing. At least the children have not been
tossed back and fourth but still I feel it is just as hard.

Anyway, bottom line I will only take them if she is willing to let
them live under our prefrence of lifestyle. What I'm wondering is
how can I offer it gently without letting her feel like a bad
mother. Ultimately I think she would love to send them but doesn't
for fear of "how she looks as a mother" or feeling as if she failed
in some way. Or perhaps she might be afraid that if she sends them
to me they may be worse "because" I do homeschool. I have no idea
what she thinkss but as you all know most people do not APPROVE of
the concept at all. So I would like to ease her mind in some way
that it could be very benificial for them without making her feel
bad. She is constanly comparing herself to me with the children and
I want to aviod that here - I don't want it to be a contest. I
truly want whats best for the children. I know it is about the boys
but I'm sure there is a ton of emotions that goes on when you turn
your children over to someone else and I would like to help her feel
better about that so she could focus more on her boys.

what could I do to offer her or to make her feel better about
homeschooling ?? What could I do to help her be at peace with
whatever decsion she makes. Ultimately it is about the boys but
that is one of their BIGGEST problems it has always been about her.
The children were never put first they were always caught up in that
nasty divorce thing :( So I feel the only way that I can help them
is to sort of help her first if that makes any sense ?

Thanks,
Sonya




> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Crystal

Hi Sonya. Would your step-son's mother agree to go to an unschooling
outing with you and a group of unschoolers. I don't know if you get
along with her well enough that you could stand to spend a whole day
with her, but maybe if she saw others who are living their life the
same way you are she would soften up to the idea. Also, she could
get a perspective of homeschooling from someone she isn't in
competition with.

Crystal

[email protected]

** I was talking about social security for being the parent of a dependent
child. That's not "financial reponsibility." That's financial gain to her and
she
can't relinquish rights AND be listed as the custodial parent both.**

That wouldn't be a factor - these kids have two living parents. Whatever
money is involved is flowing from one parent to the other.

Deborah in IL


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Betsy

**I know it is about the boys
but I'm sure there is a ton of emotions that goes on when you turn
your children over to someone else and I would like to help her feel
better about that so she could focus more on her boys.**

This may sound unfair or dishonest, but something that she might respond
well to is you (or better your dh) saying "I know A____ and B_____ are
causing a lot of trouble for you now. Would it be easier for you if
they came to live with us for awhile?"

I'm sure it's not exactly fair of me (sight unseen) to describe boy A &
boy B as "causing trouble", but it seems very likely to me that that is
how SHE perceives it.

I also think lines like -- "Parenting is very intense work; you deserve
a break" might go over well.

"A break" sounds a lot less threatening than "forever", even it if you
mean "forever" or at least their entire remaining pre-adult years. (We
do this when we tell our families "we're going to homeschool for a year
and see how it goes".)

I've been trying a lot lately to imagine what life was like for my
parents and step-mom when I was a teen. Issues in your family may be a
lot different from my family, so take my advice with caution. Being a
stepmother is a very tough gig.

**So I feel the only way that I can help them
is to sort of help her first if that makes any sense ?**

Yeah, her motto might be "if you want to get to them, you gotta go
through me." <g>

Betsy

sonyacurti

--- In [email protected], DACunefare@a... wrote:
> ** I was talking about social security for being the parent of a
dependent
> child. That's not "financial reponsibility." That's financial gain
to her and
> she
> can't relinquish rights AND be listed as the custodial parent
both.**
>
> That wouldn't be a factor - these kids have two living parents.
Whatever
> money is involved is flowing from one parent to the other.
>
> Deborah in IL
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
*****************************************************************
Yeah,
That is something all together different. Our situation is child
support paid from ex-husband for the dependant children mandated
from the state and conrolled by them. We pay state and state pays
her. Nothings easy :)
Sonya

sonyacurti

--- In [email protected], Betsy <ecsamhill@e...>
wrote:
>
>
> **I know it is about the boys
> but I'm sure there is a ton of emotions that goes on when you turn
> your children over to someone else and I would like to help her
feel
> better about that so she could focus more on her boys.**
>
> This may sound unfair or dishonest, but something that she might
respond
> well to is you (or better your dh) saying "I know A____ and B_____
are
> causing a lot of trouble for you now. Would it be easier for you
if
> they came to live with us for awhile?"
>
> I'm sure it's not exactly fair of me (sight unseen) to describe
boy A &
> boy B as "causing trouble", but it seems very likely to me that
that is
> how SHE perceives it.
>
> I also think lines like -- "Parenting is very intense work; you
deserve
> a break" might go over well.
>
> "A break" sounds a lot less threatening than "forever", even it if
you
> mean "forever" or at least their entire remaining pre-adult
years. (We
> do this when we tell our families "we're going to homeschool for a
year
> and see how it goes".)
>
> I've been trying a lot lately to imagine what life was like for my
> parents and step-mom when I was a teen. Issues in your family may
be a
> lot different from my family, so take my advice with caution.
Being a
> stepmother is a very tough gig.
>
> **So I feel the only way that I can help them
> is to sort of help her first if that makes any sense ?**
>
> Yeah, her motto might be "if you want to get to them, you gotta go
> through me." <g>
>
> Betsy
********************************************************************
Betsy,
I really like your approach. I think you had some great ideas. I
will hope for the best I noticed this sort of thing happened last
year and I'm starting to notice a pattern. Pattern or no pattern she
might be really and truly at the end of her rope - who knows ???? I
can only hope for the best outcome :)
Sonya