Hafidha

Hi, Karen - sorry for the late response.

Hmm ... for most of my life I was convinced that I was shy .. shy and
introverted. I dreaded the prospect of being uncomfortable in new
situations so much that I usually avoided them. It became a kind of
self-fulfilling prophecy ... even when I was 17 years old and took the
Meyers Briggs test for the first time, I thought, "There must be some
mistake" when it indicated I was almost evenly split between
introverted and extroverted.

It wasn't until about a year ago (after another personality test) that
I realized how wrong I'd been about myself. All that time I'd thought
for sure I was a total introvert because I BEHAVED as one. It hadn't
occurred to me to take into consideration my INCLINATION to be
extroverted; or to realize that in my daydreams I was almost *always*
the life of the party. I'm one of those people who stands at the bus
stop and envisions herself striking up conversations with everyone
there - yet in reality never says a word to any of them. I *want* to
say or do something, but something holds me back, and in the end I
usually kick myself for being held back.

One thing that helped *me* when I was younger (and still helps now)
was to start off in a structured environment (e.g. a class) in which
everyone participated to some degree. I believe my initial shyness is
related to my high level of self-consciousness and my uncertainty
about people (is she mean? is he crude?). Being introduced to others
within a group takes pressure off of me (I don't have to dazzle them)
and also allows me to 'safely' observe the others. After I've had a
chance to 'feel' them out, I relax a bit and am very receptive to
being approached.

In dealing with strangers in a non structured environment, as a child
(and as an adult) it was helpful to have a connection; for example, a
friend who already knew the strangers. That friend acted (without
knowing) as a diversion so that all the focus wasn't on me (who's the
new girl?); I was also able to see how she interacted with the other
kids and get a feel for them less directly. I think a lot of people
can relate to this, no?

To this very day, I am uncomfortable and indecisive in most one-on-one
situations- even with friends; I am still very self-consciousness, and
concerned about not putting anyone out. However, when I'm with several
folks or a large group, I'm VERY vocal, extroverted and often take
charge. Believe it or not, sometimes I'm called on to do public
speaking and always enjoy it (though of course I get butterflies
beforehand).

So I think a distinction ought to be made between those who *want* to
be actively involved, but have some fears, and those who are more
passive. I'm of the former group, but have a few friends who are of
the latter. There is *nothing* wrong with them.

All that being said, in the past year I've traveled to three different
countries alone - and only recently found out that such a thing is
considered WEIRD and SCARY to most people. Admittedly, I often kept
to myself and didn't initiate many conversations with strangers I came
across, but just the fact that I had enough confidence and
self-assurance to travel solo gives me some encouragement that I'll
become braver with time and practice. All those years, it was just my
fears blocking me; if you determine your child to have 'that kind' of
shyness, I think you ought to help him conquer his fears so that he
can engage in the things he wants to do. If your child is simply a
passive person who prefers observing to participating, I definitely
wouldn't push him. We shouldn't all be the same! Hope I've been
helpful as much as I've been longwinded.


-Hafidha





In a message dated 4/16/00 HPaulson5@... writes:

Hafidha,
I have a young son ( 5yo) that is also very shy. Looking
back, is there anything that ,in your opinion, would have helped you
with your shyness? Do you think your parents could have or should
have handled things differently, so that you would maybe have been
more comfortable in new situations? I remembered being extremely shy
as a child, and I definitely did not want to be pushed into anything,
and I don't want to push my child too much, either; however, sometimes
he needs that encouragement... to
find out that things can be fun to do. Yesterday we went to an Easter
egg hunt.

Before we left to go, my little boy expressed how he was scared. I
told him that we were going to go ahead and go, and that he could see
what it was like when we got there, and that if he decided that he did
not want to do it, that he did not have to. Well, he ended up taking
part,and enjoying it, so I was happy for him, but the shyness is
something we have to deal with continually.
So, if you, or anyone else, would have any thoughts on dealing with
shyness, I'd like to hear them. Thanks in advance!
Karen--in Ind