[email protected]

Diane,

That's too bad they are doing that to your children it is not nice at all.
Hang in there.
Laura
<<My parents, the retired schoolteachers, are visiting this week (leaving
Friday, thank GOD), and they're driving me nuts! My kids cannot say or
do one thing without being corrected. Everyone else in the house can say
they'd like some ice cream, but MY kids have to use the correct formula,
which of course they're refusing to do. My son skipped supper rather
than do whatever was being required of him *by a GUEST in my home!*

And the worst of all is that it took me five days to see it! Even after
all the years I've been on this list. Even though I've decided, by very
conscious choice, to live in another state from them, I still couldn't
put a finger on why I was getting so upset. Because they, the courtesy
police, are being so incredibly RUDE to my kids, their hosts.

OK, end of rant, thanks.

:-) Diane


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

my in-laws overstep boundaries on a regular basis. I've gotten better at
setting boundaries and insisting they be respected, but it's an ongoing
battle. I found Susan Forward's books on dealing with difficult parents
and difficult in-laws to be helpful. But it took a while before I saw
past my anger to what they were actually doing, and the best way to deal
with it.

good luck, and feel free to rant away,
susan


On Thursday, September 25, 2003, at 09:51 AM, Bill & Diane wrote:

> My parents, the retired schoolteachers, are visiting this week (leaving
> Friday, thank GOD), and they're driving me nuts! My kids cannot say or
> do one thing without being corrected. Everyone else in the house can say
> they'd like some ice cream, but MY kids have to use the correct formula,
> which of course they're refusing to do. My son skipped supper rather
> than do whatever was being required of him *by a GUEST in my home!*
>
> And the worst of all is that it took me five days to see it! Even after
> all the years I've been on this list. Even though I've decided, by very
> conscious choice, to live in another state from them, I still couldn't
> put a finger on why I was getting so upset. Because they, the courtesy
> police, are being so incredibly RUDE to my kids, their hosts.
>
> OK, end of rant, thanks.
>
> :-) Diane
>
>
>
>

>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
> [email protected]
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Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and
leave a trail.    
~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can
change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Mead




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Bill & Diane

My parents, the retired schoolteachers, are visiting this week (leaving
Friday, thank GOD), and they're driving me nuts! My kids cannot say or
do one thing without being corrected. Everyone else in the house can say
they'd like some ice cream, but MY kids have to use the correct formula,
which of course they're refusing to do. My son skipped supper rather
than do whatever was being required of him *by a GUEST in my home!*

And the worst of all is that it took me five days to see it! Even after
all the years I've been on this list. Even though I've decided, by very
conscious choice, to live in another state from them, I still couldn't
put a finger on why I was getting so upset. Because they, the courtesy
police, are being so incredibly RUDE to my kids, their hosts.

OK, end of rant, thanks.

:-) Diane

Holly Shaltz

Diane writes:

<<Everyone else in the house can say they'd like some ice cream, but MY
kids have to use the correct formula, which of course they're refusing
to do.>>

I'm glad you're aware of this right now, as you can validate your kids'
feelings as needed. I'd be interested to hear your and other's
experiences in dealing with that kind of double standard.

I only found out months/years after it happened, but my sister (who even
my husband, the most unjudgmental person on earth, said didn't
discipline her kids at all) took it upon herself to chastise my daughter
several times during at least her last two visits to us. Because of my
sister's lack of discipline with her own kids, her daughter Emily (15
months younger than Bethany, but you would swear there's at least 10
years between them) can get away with anything, so Bethany now has a
very strong resentment toward them both, and now that I know things that
she's been telling me, I can see why. My sister did her chastising
while I wasn't around, so I didn't know what was going on at the time.

Luckily, my sister is in TX, while we're in MI. Unluckily, she has the
money to travel whenever she likes and considers our home her 'oasis'
(her word). I haven't invited her since 2001 (special circs.), but she
came last year anyway, and may have invited herself for next month
(we're having an anniversary party one afternoon next month, and sent
her an email 'invitation' to it, along with my understanding she
probably wouldn't be able to make it. Her response was she'd have to
see, as it would involve taking the kids out of school and coming for a
WEEK.

My spiritual self may know that she can't really do anything to us, but
my physical self dreads hearing another year of my daughter's resentment
and my own feelings of envy (she's got assets in the millions while
we're barely scraping by :)

Holly

Tia Leschke

> Luckily, my sister is in TX, while we're in MI. Unluckily, she has the
> money to travel whenever she likes and considers our home her 'oasis'
> (her word). I haven't invited her since 2001 (special circs.), but she
> came last year anyway, and may have invited herself for next month
> (we're having an anniversary party one afternoon next month, and sent
> her an email 'invitation' to it, along with my understanding she
> probably wouldn't be able to make it. Her response was she'd have to
> see, as it would involve taking the kids out of school and coming for a
> WEEK.

Can you tell her that all your space for company has already been reserved
for someone else that week? <g> Or maybe you're planning to be away,
starting the day after the event. (or leading up to it if that's when she
said she was coming)
Tia
leschke@...

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where
there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Holly Shaltz

Tia writes:

<<Can you tell her that all your space for company has already been
reserved for someone else that week? <g> >>

Unfortunately, she's willing to stay at a hotel--even though the nearest
is 30 minutes away--but that seems to make the money spending worse. I
insisted on the hotel last year, but things have gotten to the point
where it doesn't help.

Holly

Heidi

Holly, I can feel for you. Not that my family ever chastises my
children...my mil is Mrs. Correct Everything and Anything, All The
Time...otherwise, it's pretty much live and let live.

but the Inviting Oneself...is there a reason why you can't just
say "So sorry, we're going to be very busy that whole entire
week/month/whatever, and won't have any time to get together with
you." ??? (this, from the woman who couldn't say no to a flaky online
friend inviting himself for THREE WEEKS two Christmases ago)

Or, would it be possible to say "We can't have you for a whole week,
but would love to see you on The Day."

btw, define chastising? scolding, chewing out, spanking? what?

blessings, heidiC




> Luckily, my sister is in TX, while we're in MI. Unluckily, she has
the
> money to travel whenever she likes and considers our home
her 'oasis'
> (her word). I haven't invited her since 2001 (special circs.), but
she
> came last year anyway, and may have invited herself for next month
> (we're having an anniversary party one afternoon next month, and
sent
> her an email 'invitation' to it, along with my understanding she
> probably wouldn't be able to make it. Her response was she'd have
to
> see, as it would involve taking the kids out of school and coming
for a
> WEEK.
>
> My spiritual self may know that she can't really do anything to us,
but
> my physical self dreads hearing another year of my daughter's
resentment
> and my own feelings of envy (she's got assets in the millions while
> we're barely scraping by :)
>
> Holly

[email protected]

In a message dated 9/26/03 7:09:57 AM, bunsofaluminum60@... writes:

<< but the Inviting Oneself...is there a reason why you can't just

say "So sorry, we're going to be very busy that whole entire

week/month/whatever, and won't have any time to get together with

you." ??? >>

I'd say "You can come if you can be nice," or "Don't start shaming my kids or
you're outahere!"

Sandra

Heidi

--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 9/26/03 7:09:57 AM, bunsofaluminum60@h... writes:
>
> << but the Inviting Oneself...is there a reason why you can't just
>
> say "So sorry, we're going to be very busy that whole entire
>
> week/month/whatever, and won't have any time to get together with
>
> you." ??? >>
>
> I'd say "You can come if you can be nice," or "Don't start shaming
my kids or
> you're outahere!"
>
> Sandra

THAT is just exactly what I need to build my backbone up to do. My
mil is SO opinionated, and SO obnoxious about it, and SO inclined to
find THE one thing that isn't up to (her) par, and not just with the
kids' education, but with NAME IT. I have had her comment on the
temperature of my laundry water, the types of pots and pans I use,
whether the kids should watch Emergency 911 when it was on, how I
bend over to pick up something off the floor...sheesh.

My response (and my husband's) has been to shut up and back off, but
I don't think so anymore. I was able to stand up to her the last time
we visited (last Sept.) ...but then again, who wants a week long
visit to be seven days of "standing up" or "backing down"? If I can
work up the courage, it could be a different thing altogether.

As it is, we just stay away for the most part. She lives eight hours
away, and doesn't drive anymore, herself...so...mostly moot.

except, a backbone would be GOOD.

HeidiC the Tower of Jello

catherine aceto

Would it help to think about how you are also facilitating a backbone for your children by modelling backbone? That helps me with some things (although backbone is hardly one of my issues, lol)

-cat
----- Original Message -----
From: Heidi
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2003 7:28 PM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: Parental Rant


--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 9/26/03 7:09:57 AM, bunsofaluminum60@h... writes:
>
> << but the Inviting Oneself...is there a reason why you can't just
>
> say "So sorry, we're going to be very busy that whole entire
>
> week/month/whatever, and won't have any time to get together with
>
> you." ??? >>
>
> I'd say "You can come if you can be nice," or "Don't start shaming
my kids or
> you're outahere!"
>
> Sandra

THAT is just exactly what I need to build my backbone up to do. My
mil is SO opinionated, and SO obnoxious about it, and SO inclined to
find THE one thing that isn't up to (her) par, and not just with the
kids' education, but with NAME IT. I have had her comment on the
temperature of my laundry water, the types of pots and pans I use,
whether the kids should watch Emergency 911 when it was on, how I
bend over to pick up something off the floor...sheesh.

My response (and my husband's) has been to shut up and back off, but
I don't think so anymore. I was able to stand up to her the last time
we visited (last Sept.) ...but then again, who wants a week long
visit to be seven days of "standing up" or "backing down"? If I can
work up the courage, it could be a different thing altogether.

As it is, we just stay away for the most part. She lives eight hours
away, and doesn't drive anymore, herself...so...mostly moot.

except, a backbone would be GOOD.

HeidiC the Tower of Jello


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie Solich

> THAT is just exactly what I need to build my backbone up to do. My mil is
SO opinionated, and SO obnoxious about it, and SO inclined to find THE one
thing that isn't up to (her) par, and not just with the kids' education,
but with NAME IT. I have had her comment on the temperature of my laundry
water, the types of pots and pans I use, whether the kids should watch
Emergency 911 when it was on, how I bend over to pick up something off the
floor...sheesh.

HeidiC the Tower of Jello

My mil really doesn't like me at all but, she is excruciatingly polite all
the time. Even when I say stuff that she totally disagrees with which is all
the time !Especially now, as I am speaking my mind a lot more these days.

Shortly after Mark and I had decided to get married, he was having an
argument with his parents and his dad went to say something about me. Mark's
response was 'don't you say anything about Julie or I will get up and leave
and you won't ever see me again.'

So they are real careful with me. <g> Doesn't mean they are not a pain in
the neck but it does make them a little more careful. They know that Mark
will only put up with so much and the stuff they used to do to control
situations (like crying and bringing up "the past") has no effect upon
either of us.

Julie, who doesn't have that much of a backbone but whose husband has one of
steel!


>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
>

Heidi

--- In [email protected], "catherine aceto"
<aceto3@v...> wrote:
> Would it help to think about how you are also facilitating a
backbone for your children by modelling backbone? That helps me with
some things (although backbone is hardly one of my issues, lol)
>
> -cat

Cat

Actually, that thought might mean more than any other impetus I could
think of. My oldest daughter has no trouble speaking her mind, my
youngest either. My boys, now...one is 23 and a new father, and is so
intent on not offending anyone, and my middle boy, 10, backs down
EVERY time. Oldest boy, taking after me. Youngest boy, taking after
his dad.

Yes, having the thought "They're learning how to do this from ME"
might provide the impetus I need.

:)

HeidiC

Heidi

My sweet husband is such a marshmallow. L he WILL NOT FIGHT, which is
frustrating to me sometimes, because he doesn't even really like to
talk things out, he'd just as soon leave things as they are. Ignore
it and it will go away seems to be his philosophy. SO...my mil and
bils have gotten away with commenting on my weight (like, the FIRST
TIME he brought me up to MT to meet them...)and my housekeeping and
the number of kids we have, with him making nary a murmur about it.

I prolly need to get my own courage up to protect HIM from his
family! L Ah, well. I'm better today than I was 10 years ago, and am
able to stand up to people whose opinions don't matter to me, AND
getting better at deciding WHOSE opinions DO matter to me...process
of elimination. One by one, the list of people to whom I will speak
my mind clearly, and not put up with their bullying, is growing.

HeidiC...gonna grow that spine of steel! LOL


> My mil really doesn't like me at all but, she is excruciatingly
polite all
> the time. Even when I say stuff that she totally disagrees with
which is all
> the time !Especially now, as I am speaking my mind a lot more these
days.
>
> Shortly after Mark and I had decided to get married, he was having
an
> argument with his parents and his dad went to say something about
me. Mark's
> response was 'don't you say anything about Julie or I will get up
and leave
> and you won't ever see me again.'
>
> So they are real careful with me. <g> Doesn't mean they are not a
pain in
> the neck but it does make them a little more careful. They know
that Mark
> will only put up with so much and the stuff they used to do to
control
> situations (like crying and bringing up "the past") has no effect
upon
> either of us.
>
> Julie, who doesn't have that much of a backbone but whose husband
has one of
> steel!

[email protected]

In a message dated 9/27/2003 1:12:56 AM Central Standard Time,
aceto3@... writes:


> Would it help to think about how you are also facilitating a backbone for
> your children by modelling backbone?

That's a great point! You wouldn't want your kids to have the same kind of
relationship with their mothers-in-law. I remember a friend complaining that
her daughter's piano teacher was cutting short her lessons by five or ten
minutes each time and it was bugging her, but she couldn't get up the nerve to say
something. It helped her when I said, not so tactfully "What are you teaching
your daughter by not saying anything?"

Elizabeth


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Holly Shaltz

Sorry to take so long to respond, but I was out of town all day
yesterday, and only do email in the morning (normally :)

Heidi wrote:

<<but the Inviting Oneself...is there a reason why you can't just
say "So sorry, we're going to be very busy that whole entire
week/month/whatever, and won't have any time to get together with
you.">>

How can you refuse someone when a) she hasn't been definite that she
wants to come and b) she will stay in a hotel? I tried that last year,
but I can't prevent my sister from traveling in the area, or visiting me
on a daily basis while she's up here.

<<btw, define chastising? scolding, chewing out, spanking? what?>>

We visited a nature park one day. The cousins were either bored or
taking rocks (along with their mom) from the shoreline to take home,
though we all heard the ranger say to another group that the rocks are
supposed to stay at the shore. Later, my sister raised her voice and
told Bethany that she shouldn't touch some wild mint that the ranger had
told Bethany she could pick--the ranger knows us, knows Bethany is a
naturalist, knows we're respectful of the park environment. I wasn't
there, or I would have pointed out that the ranger had given permission
to Bethany to do pick the mint. I only heard the story a couple years
later, trying to understand why Bethany is so very resentful of her aunt
and cousins.

Another time her cousin spilled a drink all over the table and Bethany.
I wasn't there--my sister apparently said something about *Bethany's*
carelessness.

I don't know many more incidents, because my sister was always careful
to do it when I wasn't around. Meanwhile, her daughter would pop a
video in, watch 5 minutes (literally), then wander off to throw stuffed
animals at Bethany, snack on whatever she could find, then fill her
plate at supper and not really eat anything, etc. I would rewind and
put away the video (sister never did), take away the Chinese noodles or
whatever the snack was, but there's only so much you can do when a child
hasn't had discipline at any point in her life.

I've done my best to offer my sister suggestions as to alternative
methods of parenting, I've been the sounding board for most parental
crises, and I model (the best I can :) appropriate parenting all the
time, but nothing has ever sunk in. Add to that the lifestyle clashes,
and our relationship has become more and more fragile over the years.

I'm not ready to cut all ties, though I'm getting closer--our parents
are long gone, we have no other siblings, and my sister lost her husband
in a car accident 3 years ago. But the problems that were obvious
before his death have become much worse. The selfishness she exhibited
before his death has, too.

I suppose part of the problem is I don't have any friends I can really
talk to--they're all too busy, or I wouldn't feel their judgment was
good, etc. I had sometimes been able to talk to my sister, but not
since Hal died. She has sucked me dry of support and not even begun to
give anything back <sigh>

Holly

Heidi

Oh, Holly...I'm sorry this is how things are with her. And grateful
that my family has never had these kinds of problems.

I realized after I posted, that she was staying in a hotel room, and
it wasn't really a self-invite but a big family event kind of thing.
Still, the running over daily to hang out at your house..."Sure, come
on over today, but tomorrow, we're going to be out all day." and then
BE out...museum, park, zoo, library.

Or, like Sandra says "Come on over, but if you shame my kids, you're
outta here"

Sounds like some pretty bad passive aggressive stuff going on, her
waiting until you are gone from the area, to pick on your kids. have
you ever talked up front and frank about these things?

(coming from Mrs. No Spine, mind you...dunno if I'd be able to do it,
myself, but I do know talking about it frankly at least clears the
air)???

blessings, HeidiC

--- In [email protected], Holly Shaltz
<holly@s...> wrote:
> Sorry to take so long to respond, but I was out of town all day
> yesterday, and only do email in the morning (normally :)
>
> Heidi wrote:
>
> <<but the Inviting Oneself...is there a reason why you can't just
> say "So sorry, we're going to be very busy that whole entire
> week/month/whatever, and won't have any time to get together with
> you.">>
>
> How can you refuse someone when a) she hasn't been definite that she
> wants to come and b) she will stay in a hotel? I tried that last
year,
> but I can't prevent my sister from traveling in the area, or
visiting me
> on a daily basis while she's up here.
>
> <<btw, define chastising? scolding, chewing out, spanking? what?>>
>
> We visited a nature park one day. The cousins were either bored or
> taking rocks (along with their mom) from the shoreline to take home,
> though we all heard the ranger say to another group that the rocks
are
> supposed to stay at the shore. Later, my sister raised her voice
and
> told Bethany that she shouldn't touch some wild mint that the
ranger had
> told Bethany she could pick--the ranger knows us, knows Bethany is a
> naturalist, knows we're respectful of the park environment. I
wasn't
> there, or I would have pointed out that the ranger had given
permission
> to Bethany to do pick the mint. I only heard the story a couple
years
> later, trying to understand why Bethany is so very resentful of her
aunt
> and cousins.

[email protected]

Holly,

Set boundaries.

I have very difficult in-laws. The stories are many, but the point is:
set boundaries. You have a right to say "no". You have a right to
protect your child. If you can't trust her around your child, simply do
not allow this to happen. Your child needs to be able to trust you, and
your first priority is your child, and yourself, not your sibling.
People who constantly overstep boundaries are used to getting their own
way, and are, on the whole, very self-centered.

Also, don't explain. You don't owe her an explanation for "no". ex.: No,
today isn't a good day for a visit. (why?) It isn't a good day. We have
other plans. -- be firm, refuse to explain. Keep saying no. Your plans
may be to have a quiet day at home. You don't need to justify to her.
She isn't in charge of you. Set boundaries. Don't allow situations where
your child is alone w/ an adult who treats her badly. Period. My fil has
left my oldest in tears before w/ his condescending attitude, criticism,
etc. We simply make sure that she is not alone with him anymore, not
sitting next to him, etc. If he goes too far (as he always does - the
man is so supremely self-centered that he is only capable of seeing one
pov - his.) I have more than once had to step in, answer a question.
Generally, I'll send my daughter off somewhere (ex. go see what
dad/brother/somebody is doing. or could you get me such-and-such.) I
don't fight, I deflect. I don't confront, I essentially ignore.

Usually, simple boundaries, firm answers, refusal to argue or explain
works. Sometimes, the behavior can be so outrageous, you have to take a
stand. But most of the time, firm, non-defensive works fine. Also,
there's no reason to allow your daughter to be alone w/ relatives who
treat her badly. If they treat her badly in your home, then meet them
elsewhere. You *don't* have to allow them free and unsupervised access
to your home and your life.

And when the behavior doesn't improve, adjust accordingly. ex., in-laws
kept showing up at odd times and letting themselves in, even when we
were home. I could hear them knocking gently *as* they were putting the
key in the lock ("we knocked, but you didn't answer the door." bs.) We
moved shortly after that, and fil was furious when I wouldn't allow him
to have a key to our new home. He badgered hubby for months, but I
insisted.

Oh, and give your kids permission to set boundaries, and to tell you
when someone else doesn't respect them. Simply being an adult relative
does *not* give someone the right to insult, demean, or bully a child.
Also, tell your daughter it is okay to speak up. ex. "I'm allowed to
pick the mint." So many of us grew up with the attitude that children
never, ever challenged an adult, even when the adult was wrong.

I am not a confrontational person by any means, but I had a choice of
learning to set boundaries or letting my in-laws run amok in my life. I
chose to learn to set boundaries, and although I will never have
anything more than a civil relationship w/ in-laws (because they
continue to try and be rude, controlling, and disrespectful of
everyone), I have learned how to keep them from harming my family. If
you want to chat, just holler. been there, done that, still dealing w/
all of it. (I've got tons of war stories, if you want to hear them
<vbg>. Honestly, I could write a sitcom. Some of it is absolutely
unbelievable.)

hth,
good luck - I know how hard it is.

susan





On Sunday, September 28, 2003, at 08:28 AM, Holly Shaltz wrote:
>
> How can you refuse someone when a) she hasn't been definite that she
> wants to come and b) she will stay in a hotel? I tried that last year,
> but I can't prevent my sister from traveling in the area, or visiting me
> on a daily basis while she's up here.
>
> <<btw, define chastising? scolding, chewing out, spanking? what?>>
>
> We visited a nature park one day. The cousins were either bored or
> taking rocks (along with their mom) from the shoreline to take home,
> though we all heard the ranger say to another group that the rocks are
> supposed to stay at the shore. Later, my sister raised her voice and
> told Bethany that she shouldn't touch some wild mint that the ranger had
> told Bethany she could pick--the ranger knows us, knows Bethany is a
> naturalist, knows we're respectful of the park environment. I wasn't
> there, or I would have pointed out that the ranger had given permission
> to Bethany to do pick the mint. I only heard the story a couple years
> later, trying to understand why Bethany is so very resentful of her aunt
> and cousins.
>
> Another time her cousin spilled a drink all over the table and Bethany.
> I wasn't there--my sister apparently said something about *Bethany's*
> carelessness.
>
> I don't know many more incidents, because my sister was always careful
> to do it when I wasn't around. Meanwhile, her daughter would pop a
> video in, watch 5 minutes (literally), then wander off to throw stuffed
> animals at Bethany, snack on whatever she could find, then fill her
> plate at supper and not really eat anything, etc. I would rewind and
> put away the video (sister never did), take away the Chinese noodles or
> whatever the snack was, but there's only so much you can do when a child
> hasn't had discipline at any point in her life.
>
> I've done my best to offer my sister suggestions as to alternative
> methods of parenting, I've been the sounding board for most parental
> crises, and I model (the best I can :) appropriate parenting all the
> time, but nothing has ever sunk in. Add to that the lifestyle clashes,
> and our relationship has become more and more fragile over the years.
>
> I'm not ready to cut all ties, though I'm getting closer--our parents
> are long gone, we have no other siblings, and my sister lost her husband
> in a car accident 3 years ago. But the problems that were obvious
> before his death have become much worse. The selfishness she exhibited
> before his death has, too.
>
> I suppose part of the problem is I don't have any friends I can really
> talk to--they're all too busy, or I wouldn't feel their judgment was
> good, etc. I had sometimes been able to talk to my sister, but not
> since Hal died. She has sucked me dry of support and not even begun to
> give anything back <sigh>
>
> Holly

[email protected]

In a message dated 9/28/03 11:03:32 AM, seanachai048@... writes:

<< If they treat her badly in your home, then meet them
elsewhere. >>

That has worked well with my in-laws. They bug us at our house, and at their
house Keith's mom can justifiably call too many shots. But when we're at a
restaurant or miniature golf or somewhere, people get along LOTS lots better.

Sandra

Bill & Diane

(I'm replying to myself)

My parents left, and I'm happy to report that the last 2 days went much
better than the first five. After I pointed out (in metaphor, not
directly) how rude it is to be rude to people even if they're young, and
after I started stressing how important it was for everyone to model
what they wanted the kids to do, it got better.

I stopped for gas when we were all coming back home. The kids rode with
them in the van and were all waiting outside for me when I got there, so
I said to my son (5), "Oh, Brian, you could have let them in--it's your
home and you're the host." Then I apologized to the lot of them for
having left them waiting.

I also found it was so interesting that my parents came and instantly
started imposing their standards on a much more informal household. They
can see dh and I weren't doing these formally correct things, but still
found it OK to try to require them of the kids. I did mention that the
most correct thing for a host to do when a guest makes an error is to
make the same error, to make the guest feel at ease.

Well, we have 3 months off now, before the next *test*.

:-) Diane


Bill & Diane wrote:

>My parents, the retired schoolteachers, are visiting this week (leaving
>Friday, thank GOD), and they're driving me nuts! My kids cannot say or
>do one thing without being corrected. Everyone else in the house can say
>they'd like some ice cream, but MY kids have to use the correct formula,
>which of course they're refusing to do. My son skipped supper rather
>than do whatever was being required of him *by a GUEST in my home!*
>
>And the worst of all is that it took me five days to see it! Even after
>all the years I've been on this list. Even though I've decided, by very
>conscious choice, to live in another state from them, I still couldn't
>put a finger on why I was getting so upset. Because they, the courtesy
>police, are being so incredibly RUDE to my kids, their hosts.
>
>OK, end of rant, thanks.
>
>:-) Diane
>