being proud
Gary m and Mary Anne Taylor
This discussion is bringing up something I've been thinking about lately. My mom was a 'praiser'. She didn't say 'I'm proud', but it was close. She still does this sometimes and she's 82 and I'm 44. It drives me crazy and I think it is manipulative. Well, not now maybe but when I was a child it was the other side of critical control. I agree with Pam that it didn't help me know myself better.
With my kids, I am trying to avoid that and have used 'good job' instead. But now, from listening to you guys, I realize that could be going down the same path so am trying to find other ways. One thing I've used is 'I'll bet you're proud of yourself'. Hmmm...now I'll have to rethink that one too.
On sort of the same tack, I need to find new ways to respond to my kid's ideas. Yesterday in the car my 14dd said 'Meg and Sam and I might start a band'. And I asked her some questions about it and said,' well, how often would you guys need to meet' (we live in the boonies and distance has been an issue). And she rolls her eyes and says 'mom, they don't even know how to play the guitar yet'.
So I turned to her and said 'I do that all the time, don't I?'
She said 'Well, yeah, a lot'.
Guess I was way ahead of her and it became more my thing than hers.........sigh......I've got to stop getting so excited when my kids take an interest in something.
Maybe that is close to getting praised for doing something 'approved of', like my mom did.
Does it betray a lack of confidence on my part that they will find passions? I think so.
Sorry to ramble and reflect this way. Anyone have similar experiences?
Mary T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
With my kids, I am trying to avoid that and have used 'good job' instead. But now, from listening to you guys, I realize that could be going down the same path so am trying to find other ways. One thing I've used is 'I'll bet you're proud of yourself'. Hmmm...now I'll have to rethink that one too.
On sort of the same tack, I need to find new ways to respond to my kid's ideas. Yesterday in the car my 14dd said 'Meg and Sam and I might start a band'. And I asked her some questions about it and said,' well, how often would you guys need to meet' (we live in the boonies and distance has been an issue). And she rolls her eyes and says 'mom, they don't even know how to play the guitar yet'.
So I turned to her and said 'I do that all the time, don't I?'
She said 'Well, yeah, a lot'.
Guess I was way ahead of her and it became more my thing than hers.........sigh......I've got to stop getting so excited when my kids take an interest in something.
Maybe that is close to getting praised for doing something 'approved of', like my mom did.
Does it betray a lack of confidence on my part that they will find passions? I think so.
Sorry to ramble and reflect this way. Anyone have similar experiences?
Mary T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On Sunday, September 21, 2003, at 01:28 PM, Gary m and Mary Anne
Taylor wrote:
You know - what you said about yourself makes me think about my own dad
- that his praise of me did reflect a lack of confidence in me, like
what I'd done wasn't enough - he had to add to it by saying it made him
proud of me. My mom's NOT feeling the need to praise a lot reflected
confidence. (Maybe not their reasons - but the underlying message it
gave me, at least.)
How interesting!
-pam
Taylor wrote:
> Does it betray a lack of confidence on my part that they will findDon't be SORRY!!!
> passions? I think so.
> Sorry to ramble and reflect this way. Anyone have similar experiences?
You know - what you said about yourself makes me think about my own dad
- that his praise of me did reflect a lack of confidence in me, like
what I'd done wasn't enough - he had to add to it by saying it made him
proud of me. My mom's NOT feeling the need to praise a lot reflected
confidence. (Maybe not their reasons - but the underlying message it
gave me, at least.)
How interesting!
-pam