Wendy Usher-Peigan

>>The local mom of the hitting boy just seemed oblivious to whether she was
being hit or not. She ignored him about the same way whether he was hitting her
or not, and when she did pay attention to him, it was fawning mush like he was
a baby instead of an increasingly dangerous bigger boy (9 or 10). He wasn't
even getting mixed messages, he was getting just about NO messages.<<

See, I see this as a misinterpretation of what we, as parents, are supposed to do as an alternative to the 'old ways' of parenting our children. ("If your child is having a tantrum, walk away, ignore it, don't pay it any attention"). Time was, if a kid behaved that way, he ended up with a spanking or a 'lickin''. You can't do that nowadays (good thing, too), but no one tells you what *to* do.
This woman, imo, is trying to handle her kids' behaviour that way, and doesn't realize that it's past that point with him, and that she needs to do something else.
OR...she is just sick and tired and exhausted and can't deal with it, so she has given up.

>>If I got angry enough to start yelling at someone, I think it would be nicer
if friends of mine, or my husband, or my kids, ushered me to another place and
helped me calm down rather than just backed up and let me "get it all out."

It would damage my own self worth and my own peace for me to have a fit like
that. It would damage my reputation and my ability to be with those people
again in the future.<<

But you are an adult, who (barring some kind of mental illness) is fully capable of choosing whether or not to behave this way. A child is, well...a child.
Wendy

"The sheeplike tendency of human society soon makes inroads on a child's unsophistications, and then popular education completes the dastardly work with its systematic formulas, and away goes the individual, hurtling through space into that hateful oblivion of mediocrity. We are pruned into stumps, one resembling another, without character or grace." --- NC Wyeth, father of Andrew Wyeth, Artist/Painter, who was home educated.

Wendy Usher
PartyLite Consultant
wendy.au@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

pam sorooshian

On Sunday, September 14, 2003, at 10:40 AM, Wendy Usher-Peigan wrote:

>>> If I got angry enough to start yelling at someone, I think it would
>>> be nicer
> if friends of mine, or my husband, or my kids, ushered me to another
> place and
> helped me calm down rather than just backed up and let me "get it all
> out."
>
> It would damage my own self worth and my own peace for me to have a
> fit like
> that. It would damage my reputation and my ability to be with those
> people
> again in the future.<<
>
> But you are an adult, who (barring some kind of mental illness) is
> fully capable of choosing whether or not to behave this way. A child
> is, well...a child.

And even MORE dependent on his/her parents to take care of his
well-being. All the more reason for the parents not to just let things
happen - to intervene on behalf of all the children - including the one
who seems to be the cause.

AND - I say seems to be because often the one that acts out the MOST is
not the one who is causing the problem. The other kids often know how
to push that kids quick-trigger buttons and, imo, if they KNOW they're
doing it and do it anyway - that is cruel on their part and needs to be
addressed, too.
That's one reason why placing blame is not productive - sometimes I
found it helped to physically put ourselves into positions so we are
all facing the same direction - side-by-side - to talk. The reason is
that face-to-face tends to be more adversarial sometimes.


-pam

[email protected]

In a message dated 9/14/03 12:17:28 PM, wendy.au@... writes:

<< But you are an adult, who (barring some kind of mental illness) is fully
capable of choosing whether or not to behave this way. A child is, well...a
child. >>

It's easier to make choices from an array of options than to just do the only
thing you've ever done.

It's NOT a choice if a child isn't shown options.

Sandra

Lisa M. Cottrell Bentley

> That's one reason why placing blame is not productive - sometimes I
> found it helped to physically put ourselves into positions so we are
> all facing the same direction - side-by-side - to talk. The reason is
> that face-to-face tends to be more adversarial sometimes.

This little tidbit was hidden at the end of a great post, but definitely
hidden.

I have one child, now a 7 yo, who is more challenging than any other child I
have ever personally met. I am grateful every single day that she is who
she is, or our family would most likely be another crib-using,
public-schooling family. With listening to her true needs, we've become
radical unschoolers. :) That said, I'm always looking for new suggestions
on how best *I* can personally deal with her outbursts without losing my
cool or treating her in a disrespectful way. In public, I have found myself
sitting on a bench not touching her and definitely NOT looking at her, and
having her calm down much more quickly than I've expected. At the time I
though it was a fluck. But, looking back I can see that maybe the way we
were sitting was the solution. I've never tried this at home. She gets
insulted if you look at her, insulted if you talk to her, insulted if she is
truly left alone, etc. This sitting close, but not looking is a great
middle ground. Wonderful advice.

-Lisa in AZ

[email protected]

In a message dated 9/15/2003 5:23:25 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
cottrellbentley@... writes:
This sitting close, but not looking is a great
middle ground.
http://sandradodd.com/truck

It's not about outbursts, but the side-by-side communications suggestions
there surely won't make any bad situations worse, and can greatly help everyday
communications within a family.

Sandra


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Shannon

This is something that I think I will try with Connor. He seems to be very
much like your 7yo.

Shan

-----Original Message-----
From: Lisa M.

In public, I have found myself
sitting on a bench not touching her and definitely NOT looking at her, and
having her calm down much more quickly than I've expected. At the time I
though it was a fluck. But, looking back I can see that maybe the way we
were sitting was the solution. I've never tried this at home. She gets
insulted if you look at her, insulted if you talk to her, insulted if she is
truly left alone, etc. This sitting close, but not looking is a great
middle ground. Wonderful advice.

-Lisa in AZ





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