Re: parenting difficulties
Heather Hall
Ok, had time to read several posts before I responded. (nursing a
really horrid double ear infection, can't hear ugh.)
Having the kids at Montessori allows me to go to an hour of therapy
each week with a woman who seems very knowledgeable about sexual abuse
issues, pms and hormone imbalances in general, I also get 1 hour of
reiki ( on trade, I sew for him, he does reiki for me) and I go to the
Chiropractor. Now my insurance changed and therapy isn't covered, so
I'm trying out yoga ( missed this week cuz of the ears).
I am working really hard to get healthy, and being a mom at the same
time is hard. It's gets a little better a bit at a time, I just am
soooo tired. I think every parent is to some extent.
I have way more on my plate than I should. I have a cloth diaper
business, I teach Bradley classes weekly, I am a doula, I run a co-op,
I'm on the committee of another co-op project with the local chapter of
Weston A. Price. I should quit most of that and just be a mom. I am
terrified to do that. I have made great strides in my therapy, been
doing it in some fashion since I was ten( EMDR was my favorite). My
kids do deserve the best and I go to great lengths to do the best I
can. I think the real problem is I don't give myself any credit. My
husband is an amazing father, 400 times better parent than me. He is
not very good at being a cheerleader*for me*, and most times I feel
inferior around him. I know I must be doing ok because I am constantly
complimented on how great my kids are. I love them intensely and they
are great kids! I just go into melt down mode really fast when they
argue or cry and I can't figure out what is wrong. I feel so helpless
because all I know how to do is hug. Got that part down really well.
I never realized before I had kids that someone would ever turn down a
hug! now what? If I can stay calm long enough to redirect them it
works sometimes. There are days Crispin just cries all day long and I
have no idea why, look at his mouth, his butt, feel his tummy, take him
to the Chiropractor, let him lay in the middle of the floor and scream
and feel like a failure. I had the misconception before I had children
that if you could love them enough, everyone would be happy.
My house is super tiny and cramped and I keep think if we had more
room, I might be more calm about them helping me and being with me
while I do stuff, since I wouldn't trip on them. I also think we
should have at least one room in the house where they can touch
anything they want and not be told 'no, that's an ouch' or something
like that. We really don't have that. I have ideas of how to create
that but my husband wants to move so badly he won't agree to totally
rearrange the house with me ;)
I do think if I could find a mother's helper it would work well for us.
I had a wonderful lady while I was pregnant with Crispin but she
couldn't work for $5 an hour for ever. She was such a good cook too!
There aren't a lot of people who can work for what I can pay. That is
how we ended up with day care (NIGHTMARE!) then Montessori. Originally
I was too sick to care for them on my own and it wasn't a choice. Now
it is more realistic to find a way to make it work. If I could have
someone sitting on my shoulder all day to just whisper " you're doing
fine" I think I could do it. Typing just that line made me cry - not
sure why. May be I just really need to hear it.
On Wednesday, August 6, 2003, at 09:01 PM,
[email protected] wrote:
Heather, mom to
Harriet 12.15.99
Crispin 01.25.02
heatherette@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
really horrid double ear infection, can't hear ugh.)
Having the kids at Montessori allows me to go to an hour of therapy
each week with a woman who seems very knowledgeable about sexual abuse
issues, pms and hormone imbalances in general, I also get 1 hour of
reiki ( on trade, I sew for him, he does reiki for me) and I go to the
Chiropractor. Now my insurance changed and therapy isn't covered, so
I'm trying out yoga ( missed this week cuz of the ears).
I am working really hard to get healthy, and being a mom at the same
time is hard. It's gets a little better a bit at a time, I just am
soooo tired. I think every parent is to some extent.
I have way more on my plate than I should. I have a cloth diaper
business, I teach Bradley classes weekly, I am a doula, I run a co-op,
I'm on the committee of another co-op project with the local chapter of
Weston A. Price. I should quit most of that and just be a mom. I am
terrified to do that. I have made great strides in my therapy, been
doing it in some fashion since I was ten( EMDR was my favorite). My
kids do deserve the best and I go to great lengths to do the best I
can. I think the real problem is I don't give myself any credit. My
husband is an amazing father, 400 times better parent than me. He is
not very good at being a cheerleader*for me*, and most times I feel
inferior around him. I know I must be doing ok because I am constantly
complimented on how great my kids are. I love them intensely and they
are great kids! I just go into melt down mode really fast when they
argue or cry and I can't figure out what is wrong. I feel so helpless
because all I know how to do is hug. Got that part down really well.
I never realized before I had kids that someone would ever turn down a
hug! now what? If I can stay calm long enough to redirect them it
works sometimes. There are days Crispin just cries all day long and I
have no idea why, look at his mouth, his butt, feel his tummy, take him
to the Chiropractor, let him lay in the middle of the floor and scream
and feel like a failure. I had the misconception before I had children
that if you could love them enough, everyone would be happy.
My house is super tiny and cramped and I keep think if we had more
room, I might be more calm about them helping me and being with me
while I do stuff, since I wouldn't trip on them. I also think we
should have at least one room in the house where they can touch
anything they want and not be told 'no, that's an ouch' or something
like that. We really don't have that. I have ideas of how to create
that but my husband wants to move so badly he won't agree to totally
rearrange the house with me ;)
I do think if I could find a mother's helper it would work well for us.
I had a wonderful lady while I was pregnant with Crispin but she
couldn't work for $5 an hour for ever. She was such a good cook too!
There aren't a lot of people who can work for what I can pay. That is
how we ended up with day care (NIGHTMARE!) then Montessori. Originally
I was too sick to care for them on my own and it wasn't a choice. Now
it is more realistic to find a way to make it work. If I could have
someone sitting on my shoulder all day to just whisper " you're doing
fine" I think I could do it. Typing just that line made me cry - not
sure why. May be I just really need to hear it.
On Wednesday, August 6, 2003, at 09:01 PM,
[email protected] wrote:
> << She turned everything--
> into a game and I was so envious of her ability to do that. It is a
> real test of my patience to let my kids help me do anything. How can I
> so strongly believe something is right, yet feel so wrong in the role?
> >>
>
> I'm guessing the Montessori tuition is more expensive than counselling
> for
> you.
>
> Maybe you can (QUICKLY!) find a really good short-term counsellor,
> someone
> who doesn't intend to draw out your entire life's story and keep you
> as a
> regular client for years, but who could have some incredibly easy and
> good ideas for
> getting you past your stuck place.
>
> If you plan to stay stuck, unschooling might not work out for you. If
> you
> want to unschool, you need to have some flexibility and joy and happy
> expectation.
>
> Are you an introvert and just get crowded? Can you hire a mother's
> helper,
> to hang out with the kids and get them snacks and water and play with
> them?
>
> <<I don't like to read to my kids, I don't like it when they
> try to 'help'. I feel like a creep! >>
>
> Some moms like one age lots more than others. Maybe you don't love
> toddlers,
> but if you don't love THESE particular children, it will be harder to
> unfold
> with them as they grow.
>
> You can heal your own childhood traumas by looking at little things
> your
> children do and thinking that you wish you could have done that. And
> if you think
> it sweetly instead of with jealous resentment, you can allow the hurt
> child
> inside you to experience a moment of release.
>
> I could be off on this, but if you have childhood issues you've been
> burying
> or ignoring, it might be the season to release them. If it's
> child-of-alcoholic stuff, al-Anon can help you and it won't cost
> money. If it's codependency,
> you might find a self-help group too. If it's survival of sexual
> abuse,
> likewise. If it's less generic, it might be worth going to
> counselling for a
> while, so that you are freed up and open to give your children what
> they need so
> that they don't grow up with a lump left over from childhood too.
>
> When I was 32 I started four years of going to Adult Children of
> Alcoholics
> meetings. Without that, I would not have been a good mom, and my
> marriage
> probably wouldn't have lasted, because I had knots in me I didn't know
> that other
> people didn't all have. In that same first season, I got pregnant
> with Kirby.
> And I went to La Leche League after he was born. Those two
> organizations
> and their ideas about how peple can and should live in peace changed
> my life,
> and my kids' lives, and my husband's life in really good ways.
>
> Unschooling seemed quite like more of the same, to me, beause it's
> related
> to them both. Children have natural needs for peace and positive
> regard and
> for joy. They grow best when they're not stunted, which seems
> obvious, but
> it's easy to forget if we go with the cultural flow which says
> children are bad,
> irritating, whiney, sneaky and so forth. Children raised openly and
> kindly
> don't need to be that way.
>
> I think that where your kids are or aren't won't matter unless you
> change
> your own heart and eyes toward them and toward yourself.
>
> Sandra
>
Heather, mom to
Harriet 12.15.99
Crispin 01.25.02
heatherette@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/7/03 1:48:50 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
Heatherette@... writes:
really, you are!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heatherette@... writes:
> If I could haveyou're doing fine :-)
> someone sitting on my shoulder all day to just whisper " you're doing
> fine" I think I could do it.
really, you are!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/7/03 11:48:41 AM, Heatherette@... writes:
<< I just go into melt down mode really fast when they
argue or cry and I can't figure out what is wrong. I feel so helpless
because all I know how to do is hug. Got that part down really well. >>
My sister used to be that way.
I told her it was as though she had a huge load of straw on her cart, and
everything that happened was the last straw. So she would "calm down" by taking
one little straw off her cart, and the NEXT thing that happened was THE LAST
STRAW!
Instead of REALLY finding ways to calm herself and get to a truly quiet
place, she got just calm enough to barely function.
If you can find ways to be really calm, you can give some of that calmness to
your children. Moods are contagious, and if you're frenzied (even
frenzied-but-controlled) they'll be more like that too. And if you're frenzied, your
heart and digestion and breathing aren't probably working as well as they could.
Even if you do nothing else, if you start breathing more deeply—slow, deep
breaths you hold and let out slowly— it will help. Not all your breathing, just
once in a while. Try for ten. You might not have time or concentration to
make it all the way to ten, but if you do you'll probably find that your head
clears out and stills, that your heartrate slows down, and that you just feel
less bristly in your skin. You can do it while you're reading online, or
driving, or doing dishes, or folding clothes, or lying down for a rest. You can do
one deep breath the next time you feel like yelling or grumping, and as
you're letting it out you can try to think of two things you could do, and then
choose the better one when the breath is out.
Sandra
<< I just go into melt down mode really fast when they
argue or cry and I can't figure out what is wrong. I feel so helpless
because all I know how to do is hug. Got that part down really well. >>
My sister used to be that way.
I told her it was as though she had a huge load of straw on her cart, and
everything that happened was the last straw. So she would "calm down" by taking
one little straw off her cart, and the NEXT thing that happened was THE LAST
STRAW!
Instead of REALLY finding ways to calm herself and get to a truly quiet
place, she got just calm enough to barely function.
If you can find ways to be really calm, you can give some of that calmness to
your children. Moods are contagious, and if you're frenzied (even
frenzied-but-controlled) they'll be more like that too. And if you're frenzied, your
heart and digestion and breathing aren't probably working as well as they could.
Even if you do nothing else, if you start breathing more deeply—slow, deep
breaths you hold and let out slowly— it will help. Not all your breathing, just
once in a while. Try for ten. You might not have time or concentration to
make it all the way to ten, but if you do you'll probably find that your head
clears out and stills, that your heartrate slows down, and that you just feel
less bristly in your skin. You can do it while you're reading online, or
driving, or doing dishes, or folding clothes, or lying down for a rest. You can do
one deep breath the next time you feel like yelling or grumping, and as
you're letting it out you can try to think of two things you could do, and then
choose the better one when the breath is out.
Sandra