The car thing
Joylyn
I've been wondering if I should tell this story or not, but I think I
will.
For those of you who are lucky enough to know Janene, you know she is
very--well, she knows her own mind. As soon as she could walk, which
was right under a year, she was hard to deal with in any situation that
had to do with streets, cars, parking lots, etc. No amount of talking
about cars, helped, she continued and continued to run out into the
parking lot, running toward the streets, etc. By the time she was three
I was scared to death that she would be hit because she was very quick,
very smart, and very good at slipping away. I did use the sling a LOT,
and that helped but it wasn't the perfect answer. I also would hold her
tight, in my arms, or just hold her hand, and that was working but I
made the decision that she needed to understand better how dangerous a
situation it was. So I did something that even today, 2 years later, I
wonder if I should have. Sometimes I think it was good, it solved the
problem. Other times I think so totally traumatized my child and I
never should have done that. This is what I did.
I put a soda can, half empty, behind the wheel of my tire. I had my
mother roll backwards slowly over the can, and Janene and I watched it
get squished. Janene immediately broke down, crying hysterically. It
took a long time to calm her. The result was immediate though. Janene
immediately stopped running into the parking lot, instead she would
insist on holding my hand or being held in arms when entering a parking
lot. To this day, she is super careful in parking lots and near
streets. She will hold onto my shirt if a hand is not available. She
makes sure every body else is also safe, insisting that Lexie also be
right next to me and if there are any other children she makes them stay
next to me, making sure they hold my hand or shirt or purse strap. She
is overly concerned about it.
To me, I'm not quite sure what I did was worth it. She was traumatized.
Of this I am sure. I just asked her and she has NO memory of the
incident, but I remember it, as does my mother and father and sister,
all who were there. They all agreed that it was necessary, but I often
wonder if the emotional damage I did was worse than just keeping her
safe by holding her, loving her. I know I never thought of spanking or
hitting her, but I also know it was a constant concern.
However, I do know I did the best I could at that moment in my life.
Would I do it again, probably not.
Joylyn
will.
For those of you who are lucky enough to know Janene, you know she is
very--well, she knows her own mind. As soon as she could walk, which
was right under a year, she was hard to deal with in any situation that
had to do with streets, cars, parking lots, etc. No amount of talking
about cars, helped, she continued and continued to run out into the
parking lot, running toward the streets, etc. By the time she was three
I was scared to death that she would be hit because she was very quick,
very smart, and very good at slipping away. I did use the sling a LOT,
and that helped but it wasn't the perfect answer. I also would hold her
tight, in my arms, or just hold her hand, and that was working but I
made the decision that she needed to understand better how dangerous a
situation it was. So I did something that even today, 2 years later, I
wonder if I should have. Sometimes I think it was good, it solved the
problem. Other times I think so totally traumatized my child and I
never should have done that. This is what I did.
I put a soda can, half empty, behind the wheel of my tire. I had my
mother roll backwards slowly over the can, and Janene and I watched it
get squished. Janene immediately broke down, crying hysterically. It
took a long time to calm her. The result was immediate though. Janene
immediately stopped running into the parking lot, instead she would
insist on holding my hand or being held in arms when entering a parking
lot. To this day, she is super careful in parking lots and near
streets. She will hold onto my shirt if a hand is not available. She
makes sure every body else is also safe, insisting that Lexie also be
right next to me and if there are any other children she makes them stay
next to me, making sure they hold my hand or shirt or purse strap. She
is overly concerned about it.
To me, I'm not quite sure what I did was worth it. She was traumatized.
Of this I am sure. I just asked her and she has NO memory of the
incident, but I remember it, as does my mother and father and sister,
all who were there. They all agreed that it was necessary, but I often
wonder if the emotional damage I did was worse than just keeping her
safe by holding her, loving her. I know I never thought of spanking or
hitting her, but I also know it was a constant concern.
However, I do know I did the best I could at that moment in my life.
Would I do it again, probably not.
Joylyn
[email protected]
Joylyn,
Your story triggered a memory for me. My youngest (of 6) is a darling child,
all smiles and happiness, but one day when she was 2 1/2 (now 10)she got
into a defiant mood while we were out in the front yard planting bulbs. She took
off down the street, looking over her shoulder laughing at me. She was
headed straight for the intersection with the busy 4 lane highway and she wasn't
slowing. It actually had become fun for her, the excitement of the chase and
all that. She had enough of a head start and was not into listening and I just
knew she would reach the corner and keep going right out into the highway.
Luckily one of her older brothers was on his bike and he raced ahead of her,
laid the bike out flat in skid and jumped off and caught her. She was enraged
at her will being thwarted. But we all gathered ourselves back inside. My
daughter raged and carried on, no amount of trying to reach her worked, so we
left her be. In a little her BIG brother came home (there is a 9 year
difference and he is now 6' 7") and all the kids shared the drama of the afternoon
with him.
Next thing I know my oldest and youngest are outside standing together in the
street, walking up and down, crouching down together, engaged in earnest
discussion. I resisted the urge to run outside screaming "Get your sister out of
the street," the fear thing was still hammering in my heart. In a little
while they came back in and I took my son aside and asked what they had been
doing. He explained that they were out looking at squished squirrels and stuff.
He had calmly explained to her that that was what happened to things that got
run over and they had investigated how flat they were and that they couldn't
run and play any more, etc. He said he told her he would be very sad if his
sister got hit by a car and looked like that.
I was a little horrified, positive that all sorts of emotional trauma would
ensue, but the very calmness and matter of fact way that her 11 year old
brother handled it had far more impact than anything I had said. From that day
forward we did not have any repeats of that incident and my kids would all remind
each other of street safety with the catch word, flat squirrels.
This is just one example of the many times that my kids have been wonderful
teachers to each other, instinctively knowing how to reach each other in ways
that I as an adult would not be as effective.
As to your daughter's trauma, I hope she finds a balance point between her
need for safety and unreasonable fear. Personally I would rather have a little
trauma than a dead child. Whenever I look back and really wonder about a
decision in the past that is irrevocable I reassure myself with the fact that at
least I have given them something to take to therapy in their later years :-)
VBG
Beth -mother to 5 teens and a wannabe 10 yr old who will now slip back into
lurker status as I seldom have time to do more than skim all of your wonderful
and thought provoking posts.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Your story triggered a memory for me. My youngest (of 6) is a darling child,
all smiles and happiness, but one day when she was 2 1/2 (now 10)she got
into a defiant mood while we were out in the front yard planting bulbs. She took
off down the street, looking over her shoulder laughing at me. She was
headed straight for the intersection with the busy 4 lane highway and she wasn't
slowing. It actually had become fun for her, the excitement of the chase and
all that. She had enough of a head start and was not into listening and I just
knew she would reach the corner and keep going right out into the highway.
Luckily one of her older brothers was on his bike and he raced ahead of her,
laid the bike out flat in skid and jumped off and caught her. She was enraged
at her will being thwarted. But we all gathered ourselves back inside. My
daughter raged and carried on, no amount of trying to reach her worked, so we
left her be. In a little her BIG brother came home (there is a 9 year
difference and he is now 6' 7") and all the kids shared the drama of the afternoon
with him.
Next thing I know my oldest and youngest are outside standing together in the
street, walking up and down, crouching down together, engaged in earnest
discussion. I resisted the urge to run outside screaming "Get your sister out of
the street," the fear thing was still hammering in my heart. In a little
while they came back in and I took my son aside and asked what they had been
doing. He explained that they were out looking at squished squirrels and stuff.
He had calmly explained to her that that was what happened to things that got
run over and they had investigated how flat they were and that they couldn't
run and play any more, etc. He said he told her he would be very sad if his
sister got hit by a car and looked like that.
I was a little horrified, positive that all sorts of emotional trauma would
ensue, but the very calmness and matter of fact way that her 11 year old
brother handled it had far more impact than anything I had said. From that day
forward we did not have any repeats of that incident and my kids would all remind
each other of street safety with the catch word, flat squirrels.
This is just one example of the many times that my kids have been wonderful
teachers to each other, instinctively knowing how to reach each other in ways
that I as an adult would not be as effective.
As to your daughter's trauma, I hope she finds a balance point between her
need for safety and unreasonable fear. Personally I would rather have a little
trauma than a dead child. Whenever I look back and really wonder about a
decision in the past that is irrevocable I reassure myself with the fact that at
least I have given them something to take to therapy in their later years :-)
VBG
Beth -mother to 5 teens and a wannabe 10 yr old who will now slip back into
lurker status as I seldom have time to do more than skim all of your wonderful
and thought provoking posts.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/22/2003 7:56:29 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
Quiltsixer@... writes:
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Quiltsixer@... writes:
> Beth -mother to 5 teens and a wannabe 10 yr old who will now slip backDAMN! A lurker who's not afraid to post and who LIKES what she reads! <BWEG>
> into
> lurker status as I seldom have time to do more than skim all of your
> wonderful
> and thought provoking posts.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
The flat squirrel thing.. thats also how I demonstrated to my kids that it
was not safe to get into the road. Actually, roadkill is ever present out here
in the rural area where we live. Lots of dead dogs, cats, possums,
squirrels, skunks ( Peeeuuuuu) etc can be seen every time we go somewhere. Even
though we live in a rural area, we do live on a very busy highway ( by "country"
standards) and my children have never ventured near the road.
OH, thats a lie.. one time, JP got in the road! It was so TOTALLY my fault.
I was outside talking with a neighbor. The kids were playing around in the
yard. JP was about 3. Dh was mowing the yard and he was doing the strip
next to the road. One minute, JP was next to me playing, the next minute, he was
standing in the road waving at his Daddy on the lawn mower!!! I had become
distracted in conversation and just didnt see him go towards the road. He
was OK, we rescued him .. A car blew its horn to alert us. Myself, my
neighbor, my DH, my kids and my neighbors kids ( 5 total) all ran down do the road to
get him and make sure he was OK. I just picked him up and hugged him and
everybody was saying Jon Phillip, are you OK? were you scared? why were you
in the road? I think all the fear and anxiety and relief from a whole crowd
of people was more than enough for him to get the idea that the road was NOT
SAFE. Although, I really don't even think he realized he was in the road. He
had been chasing after his daddy on the lawn mower and I he probably thought
anywhere his dad was had to be a safe place. The lesson learned was MINE and
my husbands. PAY ATTENTION!
You know, we also lost JP in Disney World when he was 5... but thats another
story :-)
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
was not safe to get into the road. Actually, roadkill is ever present out here
in the rural area where we live. Lots of dead dogs, cats, possums,
squirrels, skunks ( Peeeuuuuu) etc can be seen every time we go somewhere. Even
though we live in a rural area, we do live on a very busy highway ( by "country"
standards) and my children have never ventured near the road.
OH, thats a lie.. one time, JP got in the road! It was so TOTALLY my fault.
I was outside talking with a neighbor. The kids were playing around in the
yard. JP was about 3. Dh was mowing the yard and he was doing the strip
next to the road. One minute, JP was next to me playing, the next minute, he was
standing in the road waving at his Daddy on the lawn mower!!! I had become
distracted in conversation and just didnt see him go towards the road. He
was OK, we rescued him .. A car blew its horn to alert us. Myself, my
neighbor, my DH, my kids and my neighbors kids ( 5 total) all ran down do the road to
get him and make sure he was OK. I just picked him up and hugged him and
everybody was saying Jon Phillip, are you OK? were you scared? why were you
in the road? I think all the fear and anxiety and relief from a whole crowd
of people was more than enough for him to get the idea that the road was NOT
SAFE. Although, I really don't even think he realized he was in the road. He
had been chasing after his daddy on the lawn mower and I he probably thought
anywhere his dad was had to be a safe place. The lesson learned was MINE and
my husbands. PAY ATTENTION!
You know, we also lost JP in Disney World when he was 5... but thats another
story :-)
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/22/03 5:56:06 AM, Quiltsixer@... writes:
<< He explained that they were out looking at squished squirrels and stuff.
He had calmly explained to her that that was what happened to things that got
run over and they had investigated how flat they were and that they couldn't
run and play any more, etc. He said he told her he would be very sad if his
sister got hit by a car and looked like that. >>
Beth, that's really sweet!
(In a flat squirrel sort of way, I mean.)
It's sweet that he cared enough to tell her that. Maybe seeing a squirrel is
what made him realize the danger, and he remembered and shared it because of
that.
Great story.
Sandra
<< He explained that they were out looking at squished squirrels and stuff.
He had calmly explained to her that that was what happened to things that got
run over and they had investigated how flat they were and that they couldn't
run and play any more, etc. He said he told her he would be very sad if his
sister got hit by a car and looked like that. >>
Beth, that's really sweet!
(In a flat squirrel sort of way, I mean.)
It's sweet that he cared enough to tell her that. Maybe seeing a squirrel is
what made him realize the danger, and he remembered and shared it because of
that.
Great story.
Sandra