OT help
Mary
I had a situation today and it sure didn't turn out to be very pleasant. I would love some feedback on what you would do.
Today I caught my mom in Tara's room in her desk drawer reading a letter sent to her by an ex boyfriend. I was livid, and went ballistic. I avoid confrontation and more so with my mom, but I couldn't believe my eyes. And then my ears as she didn't see it as a big deal because she would never say anything to Tara to let on she knew anything. Well I don't know who was talking but I let her have it. She's all pissed now at me. No big deal.
Now, should I tell Tara what happened? Should I just mention putting her private things elsewhere without really saying what happened? I'm just not sure what would be better for Tara. I'm ready to shoot the old lady. Sorry, still very upset.
Thanks for any opinions.
Mary B
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Today I caught my mom in Tara's room in her desk drawer reading a letter sent to her by an ex boyfriend. I was livid, and went ballistic. I avoid confrontation and more so with my mom, but I couldn't believe my eyes. And then my ears as she didn't see it as a big deal because she would never say anything to Tara to let on she knew anything. Well I don't know who was talking but I let her have it. She's all pissed now at me. No big deal.
Now, should I tell Tara what happened? Should I just mention putting her private things elsewhere without really saying what happened? I'm just not sure what would be better for Tara. I'm ready to shoot the old lady. Sorry, still very upset.
Thanks for any opinions.
Mary B
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Jon and Rue Kream
Hi Mary - I would tell Tara what happened and ask her if she wants a lock
for her door. I think not telling her would just be violating her trust in
a different way. I don't blame you for being upset! I'm not sure what I'd
do/say to my mom, but I know I'd wait til I had calmed down a bit (or a lot
:0)). ~Rue
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for her door. I think not telling her would just be violating her trust in
a different way. I don't blame you for being upset! I'm not sure what I'd
do/say to my mom, but I know I'd wait til I had calmed down a bit (or a lot
:0)). ~Rue
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Kelly Lenhart
>Now, should I tell Tara what happened? Should I just mention putting herprivate things elsewhere without really >saying what happened? I'm just not
sure what would be better for Tara. I'm ready to shoot the old lady. Sorry,
still >very upset.
I'd be tempted to tell Granny she better darned well apologize to Tara,
frankly. That is a huge violation.
You just telling Granny that it's a problem isn't going to sink in. And it
might happen again. But saying that it's not allowed to violate someone's
space in your home and you expect her to correct the problem might change
that. Plus it gives her a chance to see just how offensive it is to Tara.
Now, we don't know what's in the letter. I'm assuming you don't, since you
wouldn't have the bad manners to read it. So there IS the chance that it
would be a big embarrassment to Tara to know it had been read.
But I think it could be made WAY more embarrassing to Grandma to have it
pointed out by a teenager just how out of line she was.
UGH! I don't know if I could actually follow this advice in your situation,
it's just my first, somewhat bitchy thought. Still, I think it's valid.
She didn't violate your trust as much (I mean, she did, by snooping in your
home.) But she sure did violate Tara's and should apologize.
Kelly
Kelly Lenhart
Another thing. To avoid some embarassment, Grandma can just say she was
looking, without being specific.
Still, how yucky!
Kelly
looking, without being specific.
Still, how yucky!
Kelly
Mary
From: "Kelly Lenhart" <mina@...>
<<You just telling Granny that it's a problem isn't going to sink in. And
it
might happen again. But saying that it's not allowed to violate someone's
space in your home and you expect her to correct the problem might change
that. Plus it gives her a chance to see just how offensive it is to
Tara.>>
Oh I went nuts. Really I did. Like I never have with my mom. I let her know
it was not okay under any circumstances and that it would not be done again.
She said she made a mistake and she would never do it again. I'm not exactly
sure I believe her, but I think I do.
<<Now, we don't know what's in the letter. I'm assuming you don't, since
you
wouldn't have the bad manners to read it. So there IS the chance that it
would be a big embarrassment to Tara to know it had been read.>>
Tara and I talked about the letter. As in I asked her if she was okay after
reading it and she said yes and pretty much told me what he wrote. (strange
circumstances with it all) By her reaction, I believe that it was no big
deal really. When I first questioned my mom about it, she was making it
sound like she looked at the envelope, as the kid writes stuff on that too.
Then she told me something that I know wasn't on the envelope, I saw that.
That's when I realized she read the letter. From my mom's reaction and what
she said, I don't think the letter was embarrassing in that way. Still no
better by reading it though.
<<But I think it could be made WAY more embarrassing to Grandma to have it
pointed out by a teenager just how out of line she was.>>
If I tell Tara what happened, she will be very upset. She will feel violated
in her own room. I understand that. But I do not think she will ever say
anything to my mom. Tara's not like that with many people. She's not good at
being mad or upset at anyone but Joe and I. She's not good at expressing
that anger or hurt at anyone but us. So I'm not sure it will help Tara.
Right now I think my mom knows better. If I ever even suspected that again,
she knows I would not be nice to live with.
So my dilemma is what will help Tara or hurt her the least.
Mary B
<<You just telling Granny that it's a problem isn't going to sink in. And
it
might happen again. But saying that it's not allowed to violate someone's
space in your home and you expect her to correct the problem might change
that. Plus it gives her a chance to see just how offensive it is to
Tara.>>
Oh I went nuts. Really I did. Like I never have with my mom. I let her know
it was not okay under any circumstances and that it would not be done again.
She said she made a mistake and she would never do it again. I'm not exactly
sure I believe her, but I think I do.
<<Now, we don't know what's in the letter. I'm assuming you don't, since
you
wouldn't have the bad manners to read it. So there IS the chance that it
would be a big embarrassment to Tara to know it had been read.>>
Tara and I talked about the letter. As in I asked her if she was okay after
reading it and she said yes and pretty much told me what he wrote. (strange
circumstances with it all) By her reaction, I believe that it was no big
deal really. When I first questioned my mom about it, she was making it
sound like she looked at the envelope, as the kid writes stuff on that too.
Then she told me something that I know wasn't on the envelope, I saw that.
That's when I realized she read the letter. From my mom's reaction and what
she said, I don't think the letter was embarrassing in that way. Still no
better by reading it though.
<<But I think it could be made WAY more embarrassing to Grandma to have it
pointed out by a teenager just how out of line she was.>>
If I tell Tara what happened, she will be very upset. She will feel violated
in her own room. I understand that. But I do not think she will ever say
anything to my mom. Tara's not like that with many people. She's not good at
being mad or upset at anyone but Joe and I. She's not good at expressing
that anger or hurt at anyone but us. So I'm not sure it will help Tara.
Right now I think my mom knows better. If I ever even suspected that again,
she knows I would not be nice to live with.
So my dilemma is what will help Tara or hurt her the least.
Mary B
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/7/03 7:44:51 PM, mummy124@... writes:
<< I couldn't believe my eyes. And then my ears as she didn't see it as a
big deal because she would never say anything to Tara to let on she knew
anything. Well I don't know who was talking but I let her have it. She's all pissed
now at me. No big deal.
her have it) the teenaged you?
(Just guessing.)
I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you. I'd let it all ride a couple of days
and see what your mom says or what you're willing to say when it's cooled off.
Sandra
<< I couldn't believe my eyes. And then my ears as she didn't see it as a
big deal because she would never say anything to Tara to let on she knew
anything. Well I don't know who was talking but I let her have it. She's all pissed
now at me. No big deal.
>>Did she ever look at your letters? Was the person who was talking (who let
her have it) the teenaged you?
(Just guessing.)
I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you. I'd let it all ride a couple of days
and see what your mom says or what you're willing to say when it's cooled off.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/7/03 8:11:37 PM, mina@... writes:
<< Plus it gives her a chance to see just how offensive it is to Tara.
It the grandmother chooses not to confess (I wouldn't press her to) then Tara
has nothing to be offended about.
If someone sees you nekkid and you never know it, it's better NOT to discuss
it than to discuss it.
If they buy a telescope and watch you for a year, that's different.
If the grandmother plans times to search that room weekly for a year, that's
the same kind of different.
One peek, let it go.
Better to let people save face and have apparent privacy than to blow the
whole thing out and make something to remember and cry about and wonder about and
feel embarrassed about.
<<She didn't violate your trust as much (I mean, she did, by snooping in your
home.) But she sure did violate Tara's and should apologize.
Tara doesn't need to know.
Sandra
<< Plus it gives her a chance to see just how offensive it is to Tara.
>>She's not offended if she doesn't know.
It the grandmother chooses not to confess (I wouldn't press her to) then Tara
has nothing to be offended about.
If someone sees you nekkid and you never know it, it's better NOT to discuss
it than to discuss it.
If they buy a telescope and watch you for a year, that's different.
If the grandmother plans times to search that room weekly for a year, that's
the same kind of different.
One peek, let it go.
Better to let people save face and have apparent privacy than to blow the
whole thing out and make something to remember and cry about and wonder about and
feel embarrassed about.
<<She didn't violate your trust as much (I mean, she did, by snooping in your
home.) But she sure did violate Tara's and should apologize.
>>She did and should just quietly never do it again upon pain of banishment.
Tara doesn't need to know.
Sandra
Mary
From: <SandraDodd@...>
<<Did she ever look at your letters? Was the person who was talking (who
let
her have it) the teenaged you?
(Just guessing)>>
Not that I know of. But I hid a lot of things too. I have always had trust
issues with people. Still do. Maybe it is something from way back I'm just
not remembering. My mom was never respectful of me and my decisions until I
was well into my 30's. I was a kid, what did I know? I never trusted her and
I still don't. Even before today! <BG>
Maybe it was a younger me talking. I really let loose. Not screaming or
anything, just telling her how crappy that was what she did and what could
possibly make her think it was okay to do. It wasn't at all like any
exchange I've had with someone over something I disagreed with. I usually
get all upset over what I said or didn't say. This all just came out perfect
for me. Joe wanted to know if I felt better after. I just don't like anyone,
especially family, where one should feel safe, screwing with my kids.
<<I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you. I'd let it all ride a couple of
days
and see what your mom says or what you're willing to say when it's cooled
off.>>
I was angry after it happened but not feeling bad. My mom was sitting in the
dark all night watching TV. That's a cue for me to feel sorry for her.
Wasn't happening. Kids and me said goodnight as always. She does have a
thing going on with her brain and mini strokes. I can never quite tell
what's really forgotten or just convenient. It doesn't make her do strange
things, but she forgets.
We are out all day tomorrow, me and all 4 kids. I have no doubt she'll be
fine when we see her.
Mary B
<<Did she ever look at your letters? Was the person who was talking (who
let
her have it) the teenaged you?
(Just guessing)>>
Not that I know of. But I hid a lot of things too. I have always had trust
issues with people. Still do. Maybe it is something from way back I'm just
not remembering. My mom was never respectful of me and my decisions until I
was well into my 30's. I was a kid, what did I know? I never trusted her and
I still don't. Even before today! <BG>
Maybe it was a younger me talking. I really let loose. Not screaming or
anything, just telling her how crappy that was what she did and what could
possibly make her think it was okay to do. It wasn't at all like any
exchange I've had with someone over something I disagreed with. I usually
get all upset over what I said or didn't say. This all just came out perfect
for me. Joe wanted to know if I felt better after. I just don't like anyone,
especially family, where one should feel safe, screwing with my kids.
<<I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you. I'd let it all ride a couple of
days
and see what your mom says or what you're willing to say when it's cooled
off.>>
I was angry after it happened but not feeling bad. My mom was sitting in the
dark all night watching TV. That's a cue for me to feel sorry for her.
Wasn't happening. Kids and me said goodnight as always. She does have a
thing going on with her brain and mini strokes. I can never quite tell
what's really forgotten or just convenient. It doesn't make her do strange
things, but she forgets.
We are out all day tomorrow, me and all 4 kids. I have no doubt she'll be
fine when we see her.
Mary B
Mary
From: <SandraDodd@...>
<<She's not offended if she doesn't know.
It the grandmother chooses not to confess (I wouldn't press her to) then
Tara
has nothing to be offended about.
If someone sees you nekkid and you never know it, it's better NOT to discuss
it than to discuss it.
If they buy a telescope and watch you for a year, that's different.
If the grandmother plans times to search that room weekly for a year, that's
the same kind of different.
One peek, let it go.
Better to let people save face and have apparent privacy than to blow the
whole thing out and make something to remember and cry about and wonder
about and
feel embarrassed about.
She did and should just quietly never do it again upon pain of banishment.
Tara doesn't need to know.>>
Thanks Sandra, this really helped me see things a bit clearer. My first
instinct was to not tell. Joe thought I should and then I just didn't know.
I figured I would ask for some opinions, wait awhile and see what I thought
then. I'm glad I didn't want to tell right away. I'm glad Tara wasn't home
when it all happened. Kids didn't know what happened either. Only Joe when
he came home and saw my face. He knows me well. All he asked was if it was
something he did!!!! <BG>
Mary B
<<She's not offended if she doesn't know.
It the grandmother chooses not to confess (I wouldn't press her to) then
Tara
has nothing to be offended about.
If someone sees you nekkid and you never know it, it's better NOT to discuss
it than to discuss it.
If they buy a telescope and watch you for a year, that's different.
If the grandmother plans times to search that room weekly for a year, that's
the same kind of different.
One peek, let it go.
Better to let people save face and have apparent privacy than to blow the
whole thing out and make something to remember and cry about and wonder
about and
feel embarrassed about.
She did and should just quietly never do it again upon pain of banishment.
Tara doesn't need to know.>>
Thanks Sandra, this really helped me see things a bit clearer. My first
instinct was to not tell. Joe thought I should and then I just didn't know.
I figured I would ask for some opinions, wait awhile and see what I thought
then. I'm glad I didn't want to tell right away. I'm glad Tara wasn't home
when it all happened. Kids didn't know what happened either. Only Joe when
he came home and saw my face. He knows me well. All he asked was if it was
something he did!!!! <BG>
Mary B
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/7/2003 11:41:22 PM Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
already passed, I know. But I think grandma getting caught reading them, and
being yelled at by her daughter is probably enough humiliation for grandma.
I'm sure she's ashamed enough without anyone insisting on apologies. If it
doesn't seem to be a big deal for the granddaughter, then I'd just let sleeping
dogs lie.
Besides...(probably putting my foot in my mouth on this one)...if we as
parents are trying not to yell at our kids, and trying not to shame and humiliate
them, why is it OK to do this to another adult? I'd just let it go, she's
probably ashamed enough..but that's me.
And yes, my mom read my diary once (an entry about the first time I'd ever
had sex...oy.....)
Nancy
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SandraDodd@... writes:
> << I couldn't believe my eyes. And then my ears as she didn't see it as aI agree, that the grandmother was out of line for reading them. And this is
> big deal because she would never say anything to Tara to let on she knew
> anything. Well I don't know who was talking but I let her have it. She's all
> pissed
> now at me. No big deal.
> >>
>
already passed, I know. But I think grandma getting caught reading them, and
being yelled at by her daughter is probably enough humiliation for grandma.
I'm sure she's ashamed enough without anyone insisting on apologies. If it
doesn't seem to be a big deal for the granddaughter, then I'd just let sleeping
dogs lie.
Besides...(probably putting my foot in my mouth on this one)...if we as
parents are trying not to yell at our kids, and trying not to shame and humiliate
them, why is it OK to do this to another adult? I'd just let it go, she's
probably ashamed enough..but that's me.
And yes, my mom read my diary once (an entry about the first time I'd ever
had sex...oy.....)
Nancy
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