Homebirth analogy to respectful parenting
Julie Bogart
The post by the mom who wants new unschooling lists
reminded me of something I wrote last week. I was explaining to
someone who questioned whether we should "trust our
children" what it meant to parent them respectfully. The following
post is taken from that dialog.
Most of us were raised either with authoritarian parents or what
might be called permissive parents (and at the extreme end,
neglect). I'm pretty certain that on this list, none of us has
experienced what we are learning about: respectful parenting.
An analogy occurs to me.
If I'm wanting support for homebirth, consulting my memories of
my mother's hospital births doesn't help me. Listening to women
who've decided between natural birth in a birth center versus
those who gave birth in a hospital proper doesn't clarify how
homebirth works. And in fact, the problems raised by those who
have never done home births are usually very "hospitally" in
nature. They not only can't answer the questions of a home birth
seeking mother, they don't even ask the right questions
themselves!
To continue this example (and I promise to tie it all together),
when a woman says, "I want a safe birth. The only way I know to
guarantee a safe birth is to be at a hospital in case of
emergency," she already comes from a set of beliefs about birth
that are radically different than the mother considering
homebirth. Mothers considering homebirths see birth as natural
and usually void of any complications whatsoever AND they see
hospitals as perpetrating a lot of unnecessary dangers to both
mother and baby in the name of protection.
For the home birthing mother, her starting point is different. Birth
is natural. Birth is 99% of the time without a hitch. Birth is not an
emergency to be handled or a painful process to be endured
with epidurals. It's the normal, overwhelmingly natural and most
often safe passage of a full term baby from a womb. Birth
requires attendance, not intervention.
And not surprisingly, the number of problem births at home is
miniscule. But many hospital birth mothers consider that result
"lucky" or "she just has a good body for birth." They want to say
that their births were necessarily full of intervention or that their
baby couldn't have survived at home.
But what if the underlying philosophy really does influence the
outcome?
As I've thought about respectful parenting, consulting my history
or Jon's hasn't been that helpful. What was missing in our
homes wasn't more or fewer boundaries. What was missing
was a belief about children. (And I say this is true for how we
unschool as well.)
Like birth, how you view it determines your choices. If we see
kids as needing boundaries because they won't be "safe"
without them, we've already started from a totally different pov
than the parents who follow AP or NCP. When we face what
appear to be dangerous situations, we're usually still thinking
from the old mindset about children. We're thinking of children
as people who need management and correction and
supervision. We don't see their development as natural, as
something to support and facilitate but as something to control
and manage.
This attitude will influence us at all levels. How we "school" or
"educate" our kids will grow out of our ideas about children.
"What if my daughter is in a dangerous situation that I could have
prevented with a boundary?" is a question asked by people who
feel that children are in danger and our job is to protect them.
But what if the foundational belief system says, "Children are
mostly inclined to respond to input and make rational decisions
if they feel fundamentally respected as complete, thinking
individuals"? Suddenly the belief itself may set in motion a very
different birth/result. And solutions to problems that crop up will
be rooted in preserving that pov, not in abandoning it.
For instance, when mothers in hospitals have pain, they take
drugs.
They can't go sit in a bathtub. They can't walk around outdoors
and breathe the air. They can't get foot massages while listening
to soothing music in the dark. Heck, they don't even have a crock
pot of heated washcloths to continually put on the perineum to
keep it relaxed.
The number of ways to relieve pain when you see birth as
natural are myriad. But the one thing you don't do is leave home
and head for the hospital! :)
The number of ways to resolve typical family issues (eating, tv
viewing, keeping house, cleaning the dishes...) for our children
are probably just as numerous, if not more, if we fully embrace
the premise that children can understand reason, that they
themselves want to be safe and secure and that we are their
best allies when we give them the dignity of choice in their own
lives.
When we start with the assumption that they won't want our
limits, we've already started with a different set of suppositions.
If we start with the assumption that kids respond well to dialog,
options, respect and support, giving our ideas of what
constitutes safety or a healthy lifestyle will probably go a lot
further in winning their support than a boundary or enforcement
ever could. And it probably stands to reason that kids raised this
way really do have fewer problems than those who have felt
disrespected for most of their lives.
---
Unschooling is like this. We cannot start with the assumption
that kids can learn without coercion and then spend the rest of
the day coercing. Our kids will read the mixed message: she
trusts me to teach myself how to read but I have to ask
permission to eat a handful of chocolate chips?
The philosophical underpinnings will establish the family culture
that will or won't support the choices we make for our kids'
education (on all levels, not just school subjects).
Julie B
reminded me of something I wrote last week. I was explaining to
someone who questioned whether we should "trust our
children" what it meant to parent them respectfully. The following
post is taken from that dialog.
Most of us were raised either with authoritarian parents or what
might be called permissive parents (and at the extreme end,
neglect). I'm pretty certain that on this list, none of us has
experienced what we are learning about: respectful parenting.
An analogy occurs to me.
If I'm wanting support for homebirth, consulting my memories of
my mother's hospital births doesn't help me. Listening to women
who've decided between natural birth in a birth center versus
those who gave birth in a hospital proper doesn't clarify how
homebirth works. And in fact, the problems raised by those who
have never done home births are usually very "hospitally" in
nature. They not only can't answer the questions of a home birth
seeking mother, they don't even ask the right questions
themselves!
To continue this example (and I promise to tie it all together),
when a woman says, "I want a safe birth. The only way I know to
guarantee a safe birth is to be at a hospital in case of
emergency," she already comes from a set of beliefs about birth
that are radically different than the mother considering
homebirth. Mothers considering homebirths see birth as natural
and usually void of any complications whatsoever AND they see
hospitals as perpetrating a lot of unnecessary dangers to both
mother and baby in the name of protection.
For the home birthing mother, her starting point is different. Birth
is natural. Birth is 99% of the time without a hitch. Birth is not an
emergency to be handled or a painful process to be endured
with epidurals. It's the normal, overwhelmingly natural and most
often safe passage of a full term baby from a womb. Birth
requires attendance, not intervention.
And not surprisingly, the number of problem births at home is
miniscule. But many hospital birth mothers consider that result
"lucky" or "she just has a good body for birth." They want to say
that their births were necessarily full of intervention or that their
baby couldn't have survived at home.
But what if the underlying philosophy really does influence the
outcome?
As I've thought about respectful parenting, consulting my history
or Jon's hasn't been that helpful. What was missing in our
homes wasn't more or fewer boundaries. What was missing
was a belief about children. (And I say this is true for how we
unschool as well.)
Like birth, how you view it determines your choices. If we see
kids as needing boundaries because they won't be "safe"
without them, we've already started from a totally different pov
than the parents who follow AP or NCP. When we face what
appear to be dangerous situations, we're usually still thinking
from the old mindset about children. We're thinking of children
as people who need management and correction and
supervision. We don't see their development as natural, as
something to support and facilitate but as something to control
and manage.
This attitude will influence us at all levels. How we "school" or
"educate" our kids will grow out of our ideas about children.
"What if my daughter is in a dangerous situation that I could have
prevented with a boundary?" is a question asked by people who
feel that children are in danger and our job is to protect them.
But what if the foundational belief system says, "Children are
mostly inclined to respond to input and make rational decisions
if they feel fundamentally respected as complete, thinking
individuals"? Suddenly the belief itself may set in motion a very
different birth/result. And solutions to problems that crop up will
be rooted in preserving that pov, not in abandoning it.
For instance, when mothers in hospitals have pain, they take
drugs.
They can't go sit in a bathtub. They can't walk around outdoors
and breathe the air. They can't get foot massages while listening
to soothing music in the dark. Heck, they don't even have a crock
pot of heated washcloths to continually put on the perineum to
keep it relaxed.
The number of ways to relieve pain when you see birth as
natural are myriad. But the one thing you don't do is leave home
and head for the hospital! :)
The number of ways to resolve typical family issues (eating, tv
viewing, keeping house, cleaning the dishes...) for our children
are probably just as numerous, if not more, if we fully embrace
the premise that children can understand reason, that they
themselves want to be safe and secure and that we are their
best allies when we give them the dignity of choice in their own
lives.
When we start with the assumption that they won't want our
limits, we've already started with a different set of suppositions.
If we start with the assumption that kids respond well to dialog,
options, respect and support, giving our ideas of what
constitutes safety or a healthy lifestyle will probably go a lot
further in winning their support than a boundary or enforcement
ever could. And it probably stands to reason that kids raised this
way really do have fewer problems than those who have felt
disrespected for most of their lives.
---
Unschooling is like this. We cannot start with the assumption
that kids can learn without coercion and then spend the rest of
the day coercing. Our kids will read the mixed message: she
trusts me to teach myself how to read but I have to ask
permission to eat a handful of chocolate chips?
The philosophical underpinnings will establish the family culture
that will or won't support the choices we make for our kids'
education (on all levels, not just school subjects).
Julie B
Mary
Julie B is on a roll today!!!
That's a keeper.
Mary B
That's a keeper.
Mary B
[email protected]
In a message dated 25/06/2003 13:36:57 Pacific Daylight Time,
julie@... writes:
sure!!!!!!!!!!!
Nancy in BC, in awe of your ability to articulate this stuff.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
julie@... writes:
>Oh boy, that was a fabulous analogy, Julie, I am saving it for
> Unschooling is like this. We cannot start with the assumption
> that kids can learn without coercion and then spend the rest of
> the day coercing. Our kids will read the mixed message: she
> trusts me to teach myself how to read but I have to ask
> permission to eat a handful of chocolate chips?
>
sure!!!!!!!!!!!
Nancy in BC, in awe of your ability to articulate this stuff.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]