Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] recharging batteries
susan
Annette Naake wrote:
i guess i feel that that will happen when they are grown and are sick of me <g>
i get moments here and there but because of my illness i had to be away for
stretches (10 day hospital stay, 10 days & 21 days at treatment centers) and i
hated it, so i'm happy not spending time away. i love being left alone, i
like the peace and quiet while most people i've met fill their days with
activity i lean toward a slow paced life. my whole life i preferred staying
home (even as a teenager:) and i don't join in on many excursion. i really
love hanging with my kid but i have just one so it's not as full as carol's day
is with 7. part of the problem i see is that our society pushes us to define
ourselves as something - the question: what do you do? is never felt to be
truly answered if you say i'm a mom. immediately you're judged as a follower,
less intelligent, as someone who has nothing of interested to contribute. it's
sad really but the choice remains and the judgments are theirs not yours, as
loud and distracting as those judgments are.
i heard someone say: 'you can have it all just not all at the same time'. you
will get your time alone after the kids have moved onto a different phase of
life. i guess in short its a lifestyle of togetherness - a state of mind that
this is just right, this state of interdependence (my personal definition of
family). so why push them to be independent now when we know they will get
there one day especially if we respect and honor where they're at right now.
personally i relish this lifestyle and wish more people would deeply enjoy
their time with their kids. i wouldn't want to be separated from my kid
unless that's what he would want but i'm sure we will always be very close.
i know i've gone off on a tangent and this was not exactly what you were asking
but at the same time a shift in perspective does give you the ability to not be
drained so quickly because it removes a lot of the doubts and desires which are
in conflict this those of the family & kids. imo when your lifestyle naturally
makes you happy then you are naturally recharged.
-susan
austin,tx
'unity through diversity'
> How do we get time alone and away from the kids, husbands, housework, etc. tohi,
> do things for ourselves?
>
> Annette
i guess i feel that that will happen when they are grown and are sick of me <g>
i get moments here and there but because of my illness i had to be away for
stretches (10 day hospital stay, 10 days & 21 days at treatment centers) and i
hated it, so i'm happy not spending time away. i love being left alone, i
like the peace and quiet while most people i've met fill their days with
activity i lean toward a slow paced life. my whole life i preferred staying
home (even as a teenager:) and i don't join in on many excursion. i really
love hanging with my kid but i have just one so it's not as full as carol's day
is with 7. part of the problem i see is that our society pushes us to define
ourselves as something - the question: what do you do? is never felt to be
truly answered if you say i'm a mom. immediately you're judged as a follower,
less intelligent, as someone who has nothing of interested to contribute. it's
sad really but the choice remains and the judgments are theirs not yours, as
loud and distracting as those judgments are.
i heard someone say: 'you can have it all just not all at the same time'. you
will get your time alone after the kids have moved onto a different phase of
life. i guess in short its a lifestyle of togetherness - a state of mind that
this is just right, this state of interdependence (my personal definition of
family). so why push them to be independent now when we know they will get
there one day especially if we respect and honor where they're at right now.
personally i relish this lifestyle and wish more people would deeply enjoy
their time with their kids. i wouldn't want to be separated from my kid
unless that's what he would want but i'm sure we will always be very close.
i know i've gone off on a tangent and this was not exactly what you were asking
but at the same time a shift in perspective does give you the ability to not be
drained so quickly because it removes a lot of the doubts and desires which are
in conflict this those of the family & kids. imo when your lifestyle naturally
makes you happy then you are naturally recharged.
-susan
austin,tx
'unity through diversity'
[email protected]
Annette, you raise some good questions... I suspect you and everyone else has
found or will find the answers in the continual quest for balance. This will
come with time and experience, I am sure. But as others have expressed, this
will be a "dance" that will continue to change as time goes by. Some days I
find more time for me, or things like taking care of household chores,
sometimes there seems to be very little time; and then, again, there do seem
to be "windows" of time during the average day where things slow down, and
then I choose to do something that I want or need to do. Also, I think it's
important to include the kids in household tasks, when possible, so that the
parents don't shoulder the entire burden. I like to talk with my kids and
get their ideas of what they want to do during the day, then we try to
plan a schedule --not rigidly-- but enough of a plan so that they can see
that my needs ( which may include sewing, painting, or cleaning, etc...) are
also going to be included in the mix. Of course, like anything, there are
days where it runs smoothly, and other days where I wonder what day of the
week it is , and it is already 11:00am and I am not dressed... But I need
time too, we all do; not only for ourselves and our sense of peace, but also
because we are better parents to our kids when we get some peace and quiet
all to ourselves. I find that I am more patient with my kids if I can have a
little time for me, <like spending some time on the computer :) >. Have a
great day!
Karen--trying to keep it all balanced-- here in IND
found or will find the answers in the continual quest for balance. This will
come with time and experience, I am sure. But as others have expressed, this
will be a "dance" that will continue to change as time goes by. Some days I
find more time for me, or things like taking care of household chores,
sometimes there seems to be very little time; and then, again, there do seem
to be "windows" of time during the average day where things slow down, and
then I choose to do something that I want or need to do. Also, I think it's
important to include the kids in household tasks, when possible, so that the
parents don't shoulder the entire burden. I like to talk with my kids and
get their ideas of what they want to do during the day, then we try to
plan a schedule --not rigidly-- but enough of a plan so that they can see
that my needs ( which may include sewing, painting, or cleaning, etc...) are
also going to be included in the mix. Of course, like anything, there are
days where it runs smoothly, and other days where I wonder what day of the
week it is , and it is already 11:00am and I am not dressed... But I need
time too, we all do; not only for ourselves and our sense of peace, but also
because we are better parents to our kids when we get some peace and quiet
all to ourselves. I find that I am more patient with my kids if I can have a
little time for me, <like spending some time on the computer :) >. Have a
great day!
Karen--trying to keep it all balanced-- here in IND
[email protected]
Hi Annette and all-
You wrote:
<< But
looking through the schedule, I see that early in the morning you have half
an hour to exercise (with kids nearby) and then you don't get any time alone
again til 10 pm, when you can take a bath and read. That is a long day!>>
You are an astute woman! This is very much a continuing problem here-how
does Mom recharge? Plus, my dh commutes 2 hours per day, six days a week, on
top of working 12 hour days and 8 on Saturdays.
We are in the process of re-evaluating jobs, home location, etc. But, for
right now, his job is a grand one that supports all of us and to move closer
to the job would increase our expenditures for housing (it's near Chicago).
I guess all I can say to this query is that my life is a work in progress.
We're trying to work together to meet all of our needs. The day I wrote
about online, to tell the truth, did wear me out. Not all my days are quite
that hectic.
The best way I've found to recharge is simply to steal little moments to
myself. Like now, for instance, my 3 older kids are gone, my 3 youngers are
playing in the basement and the baby is asleep. So, I'm foregoing the
housework and playing here instead.
My dh and I usually put the kids in bed early except the 3 older ones and
talk a walk for about 1/2 hour each evening. That helps.
Often, in the evenings, my dh will supervise the kids while I go into the
bedroom and talk on the phone to my sister or a friend, or just read.
I also have found it vital to keep some interests going outside the home, in
order to keep my perspective. So, I write a newsletter for a drama group in
town and sometimes (though very rarely) I do freelance writing work. This is
a mixed blessing, because sometimes I do not need one more responsibility.
But, sometimes the diversion keeps me sane.
I also try to get to the library once a week by myself and I read as much as
I can. I also think it's important to keep up on what's going on in the
world, so I read a daily newspaper for entertainment. My hubby and I also go
out with another couple for dinner at least once a month and usually manage a
dinner or lunch ourselves. We often go for a drive on Sunday afternoons
after we've hired a babysitter. (during the little one's nap time)
I'm a church going person, so I take time to pray, go visit the beautiful
quiet chapel in our community and talk to other mothers I see there. I also
try to visit a couple of elderly people I know because they give me wonderful
insights!
I used to belong to outside groups, but have cut back on those because they
really cut into time with my hubby.
I think about taking a class for intellectual stimulation, but haven't gotten
that far yet.
But, yes, I must admit, most things take a back seat to the kids. I know
this time is relatively short (although with 7 it doesn't seem that way!),
and situations are always changing. My life is easier now than when I had
four children under 7 and no older kids.
As far as cooking, housework, etc., I've learned to take a really relaxed
approach here. My house is not a big mess...but it wouldn't win contests for
Good Housekeeping either. The truth is, I don't want to spend a lot of time
cooking and cleaning. They are not my priorities. So, we stick with
simplicity. We all do basic pick-up and feeding pets, etc. a couple of times
a day. Then on Sat. a.m. the kids and I usually do some deeper cleaning.
One of the kids helps with laundry each week and we try to do 2 loads a day.
We stick with simple suppers and my dh is really good about helping when he
comes home from work.
It's not perfect, but it works for us mostly. When it doesn't, we change it.
I know you've heard it before-but it really is always a balancing act!
I didn't mean to go on so. Thanks for your questions and concern!
Carol from WI
You wrote:
<< But
looking through the schedule, I see that early in the morning you have half
an hour to exercise (with kids nearby) and then you don't get any time alone
again til 10 pm, when you can take a bath and read. That is a long day!>>
You are an astute woman! This is very much a continuing problem here-how
does Mom recharge? Plus, my dh commutes 2 hours per day, six days a week, on
top of working 12 hour days and 8 on Saturdays.
We are in the process of re-evaluating jobs, home location, etc. But, for
right now, his job is a grand one that supports all of us and to move closer
to the job would increase our expenditures for housing (it's near Chicago).
I guess all I can say to this query is that my life is a work in progress.
We're trying to work together to meet all of our needs. The day I wrote
about online, to tell the truth, did wear me out. Not all my days are quite
that hectic.
The best way I've found to recharge is simply to steal little moments to
myself. Like now, for instance, my 3 older kids are gone, my 3 youngers are
playing in the basement and the baby is asleep. So, I'm foregoing the
housework and playing here instead.
My dh and I usually put the kids in bed early except the 3 older ones and
talk a walk for about 1/2 hour each evening. That helps.
Often, in the evenings, my dh will supervise the kids while I go into the
bedroom and talk on the phone to my sister or a friend, or just read.
I also have found it vital to keep some interests going outside the home, in
order to keep my perspective. So, I write a newsletter for a drama group in
town and sometimes (though very rarely) I do freelance writing work. This is
a mixed blessing, because sometimes I do not need one more responsibility.
But, sometimes the diversion keeps me sane.
I also try to get to the library once a week by myself and I read as much as
I can. I also think it's important to keep up on what's going on in the
world, so I read a daily newspaper for entertainment. My hubby and I also go
out with another couple for dinner at least once a month and usually manage a
dinner or lunch ourselves. We often go for a drive on Sunday afternoons
after we've hired a babysitter. (during the little one's nap time)
I'm a church going person, so I take time to pray, go visit the beautiful
quiet chapel in our community and talk to other mothers I see there. I also
try to visit a couple of elderly people I know because they give me wonderful
insights!
I used to belong to outside groups, but have cut back on those because they
really cut into time with my hubby.
I think about taking a class for intellectual stimulation, but haven't gotten
that far yet.
But, yes, I must admit, most things take a back seat to the kids. I know
this time is relatively short (although with 7 it doesn't seem that way!),
and situations are always changing. My life is easier now than when I had
four children under 7 and no older kids.
As far as cooking, housework, etc., I've learned to take a really relaxed
approach here. My house is not a big mess...but it wouldn't win contests for
Good Housekeeping either. The truth is, I don't want to spend a lot of time
cooking and cleaning. They are not my priorities. So, we stick with
simplicity. We all do basic pick-up and feeding pets, etc. a couple of times
a day. Then on Sat. a.m. the kids and I usually do some deeper cleaning.
One of the kids helps with laundry each week and we try to do 2 loads a day.
We stick with simple suppers and my dh is really good about helping when he
comes home from work.
It's not perfect, but it works for us mostly. When it doesn't, we change it.
I know you've heard it before-but it really is always a balancing act!
I didn't mean to go on so. Thanks for your questions and concern!
Carol from WI
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/28/00 10:38:40 PM Pacific Standard Time,
naake1999@... writes:
<< How do we get time
alone and away from the kids, husbands, housework, etc. to do things for
ourselves? >>
Hi all,
I guess I'm a little spoiled. I only have a 9yodd and an 18modd. I sometimes
have my 5 and 10yo stepsons as well. I get time to myself every single day.
I'm up about half an hour before the kids, so I try to get any major
housework done then, any other chores the girls can do with me. When dh gets
home from work, I get an hour to go workout. If I'm really worn out, I go to
the bookstore for an hour or so after that. When the youngest is napping, dd
and I do some really quiet activity like drawing or reading, so I get to
recharge some then, too. I usually take the last 20 minutes of that nap time
and sit quietly and have a cup of coffee and something decadent. Can you
believe that with all that quiet time, I still get cranky sometimes?: :-)
candice
naake1999@... writes:
<< How do we get time
alone and away from the kids, husbands, housework, etc. to do things for
ourselves? >>
Hi all,
I guess I'm a little spoiled. I only have a 9yodd and an 18modd. I sometimes
have my 5 and 10yo stepsons as well. I get time to myself every single day.
I'm up about half an hour before the kids, so I try to get any major
housework done then, any other chores the girls can do with me. When dh gets
home from work, I get an hour to go workout. If I'm really worn out, I go to
the bookstore for an hour or so after that. When the youngest is napping, dd
and I do some really quiet activity like drawing or reading, so I get to
recharge some then, too. I usually take the last 20 minutes of that nap time
and sit quietly and have a cup of coffee and something decadent. Can you
believe that with all that quiet time, I still get cranky sometimes?: :-)
candice
Dara McMichael
Carol- I had to laugh when you mentioned taking a class for
intellectual stimulation.
It occurred to me that all of the local colleges could offer
a class called "Intellectual Stimulation for Mothers" and
they would probably fill them to capacity! I have weeks
where I am content to be at home and focus on my girls (3, 6
and 9) but every now and then I begin to come unglued. My
husband can spot it immediately and calls by best friends to
come and rescue me from insanity! Usually it means a trip
to the bookstore for a Raspberry Mocha and great
conversation. Still the kids are on my mind and I end up
buying some books for them. With my husband traveling most
week nights and only seeing him on weekends, I usually spend
more time with the kids and require a bedtime of 9pm. That
is to allow myself time to reflect on the day or get some
great projects completed. no matter who you are or what you
do it is a balancing act.
Dara
intellectual stimulation.
It occurred to me that all of the local colleges could offer
a class called "Intellectual Stimulation for Mothers" and
they would probably fill them to capacity! I have weeks
where I am content to be at home and focus on my girls (3, 6
and 9) but every now and then I begin to come unglued. My
husband can spot it immediately and calls by best friends to
come and rescue me from insanity! Usually it means a trip
to the bookstore for a Raspberry Mocha and great
conversation. Still the kids are on my mind and I end up
buying some books for them. With my husband traveling most
week nights and only seeing him on weekends, I usually spend
more time with the kids and require a bedtime of 9pm. That
is to allow myself time to reflect on the day or get some
great projects completed. no matter who you are or what you
do it is a balancing act.
Dara
[email protected]
Hi Dara and all-
You said-
<< My
husband can spot it immediately and calls by best friends to
come and rescue me from insanity! Usually it means a trip
to the bookstore for a Raspberry Mocha and great
conversation. >>
What a great hubby! I'll have to try that the next time I come unglued. The
last time I lost it I had just gone to one of those cheap hair places to get
my hair cut and I came home and cried because the stylist hadn't done it
right! I haven't done that since 8th grade! My dh knew right away that I
had gone over my limit and he went to the store, bought me a good novel,
tucked me in bed, brought me a cup of hot cocoa and I read myself to sleep.
What a difference some sleep can make.
Thanks for your story!
Carol from WI
You said-
<< My
husband can spot it immediately and calls by best friends to
come and rescue me from insanity! Usually it means a trip
to the bookstore for a Raspberry Mocha and great
conversation. >>
What a great hubby! I'll have to try that the next time I come unglued. The
last time I lost it I had just gone to one of those cheap hair places to get
my hair cut and I came home and cried because the stylist hadn't done it
right! I haven't done that since 8th grade! My dh knew right away that I
had gone over my limit and he went to the store, bought me a good novel,
tucked me in bed, brought me a cup of hot cocoa and I read myself to sleep.
What a difference some sleep can make.
Thanks for your story!
Carol from WI
Nanci and Thomas Kuykendall
>What a great hubby! I'll have to try that the next time I come unglued.I have a great hubby and would never dream of complaining, he is such a jewel. But sometimes I have to beat him over the head with a club to get him to see when I am falling apart. <sigh>
>Carol from WI
That's what happens when we do not raise young men to be intuitive, emotional, feeling and compassionate creatures. I am raising my boys to be whole people, I hope. My hubby's biggest complaint about his upbringing is how out of touch with his feelings and those of others he is and his inability and struggles to express himself and communicate. This is I think in part due to his natural shyness, but also due to having his own father as an example, and his mom too for that matter. I think they are two of the most uncommunicative people I have ever met, except for my folks, who have them beat hands down. But his father was often absent and does not express tenderness well, or any of the "weaker" or more "female associated" emotions.
I think his second biggest complaint/wound from his childhood is his father's absence. He was always too busy with work or his own hobbies to be there for his only son. No face at the swim meets, little league, or other events, no presence in the home like his mother. How sad, and yet how typical. How horrible what we do to our boys, and every bit as horrifying as what we do to girls. Thank the Goddess for Unschooling, free thinking, and respect for children.
Nanci K. (PS: excuse me if this seems a liitle bit too free form and meandering, but I just got back from the second segment of a wicked root canal and I am very drugged up and not too clear. I cannot talk...so I am typing. But maybe without much success. We shall see when I re-read this later. Ha!)
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Tiffany K. Wayne
Nanci and Thomas Kuykendall wrote:
That's what happens when we do not raise young men to be intuitive, emotional, feeling and compassionate creatures. I am raising my boys to be whole people, I hope.How horrible what we do to our boys, and every bit as horrifying as what we do to girls. Thank the Goddess for Unschooling, free thinking, and respect for children.I second that, Nanci! I think having a boy (my son is 2-1/2) is one of the most challenging and exciting things that could have happened in my life! And the second most exciting thing is watching my husband grow as he makes conscious parenting decisions and as he gently nurtures our son. My husb. did have a great dad, though, and very respectful and involved parents. But, my point (and I do have one) is that so much is at stake in raising young men and women -- for them and for us! We are so lucky...Tiffany
Tracy Oldfield
I got home from Tai Chi last night to find out that dh and
girls had cleaned bathrooms while I had been out! Now, how's that for a
welcome home, Mummy! I really want my kids to know how much there is
to running a house, and some ways of doing it, too. I'm going to a
LLL get-together tomorrow, by myself, and I find that these kind of things,
meeting other parents who follow similar paths to me and being able to talk
about what I'm doing without answering a load of daft (or 'too-commonly-asked')
questions really goes a long way to reaffirming what I'm doing at home.
When I can't get to such things, I come here instead :-)
Tracy
PS I sometimes find that the amount of time I take
for myself when I'm at home doesn't recharge me, it leaves me feeling guilty
that I didn't give my children or home or husband more of that
time.
From: czuniga145@...
In a message dated 3/28/00 10:38:40 PM Pacific Standard Time,
naake1999@... writes:
<< How do we get time
alone and away from the kids, husbands, housework, etc. to do things for
ourselves? >>
Hi all,
I guess I'm a little spoiled. I only have a 9yodd and an 18modd. I sometimes have my 5 and 10yo stepsons as well. I get time to myself every single day.
I'm up about half an hour before the kids, so I try to get any major
housework done then, any other chores the girls can do with me. When dh gets home from work, I get an hour to go workout. If I'm really worn out, I go to the bookstore for an hour or so after that. When the youngest is napping, dd and I do some really quiet activity like drawing or reading, so I get to
recharge some then, too. I usually take the last 20 minutes of that nap time and sit quietly and have a cup of coffee and something decadent. Can you
believe that with all that quiet time, I still get cranky sometimes?: :-)
candice