Mary

From: <grlynbl@...>

<<I wonder, what is the difference that I recall these childhood memories
with
fondness and affection rather than resentment and hostility towards my
Daddy?
I think it's because for all the "wrong things" my Daddy did, he done many
times over more "right things" Thank goodness for that, otherwise, I might
have been scarred for life.>>


Teresa, I was reading your post and thinking how sad it sounded with your
dad, not your mom and sister parts. I'm glad you have better memories and
don't look back on that and get upset. Sounds like maybe your mom had a lot
to do with how you looked at it also.

Mary B

Have A Nice Day!

I used to be the kind of parent that would yell for spills. Maybe because I was so overwhelmed with the WAY overactivity of my firstborn. I just didni't know what I could or should do.

So, I fell back on whatever I could remember: stern, authority, discipline, and the assumption that kids start off headed down the wrong path and its our job (and an uphill battle for the next 20 years) to put them on the right one.

Nowadays, I am watching all those myths collapse in front of my very eyes. And I'm so glad.

Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: Olga
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 10:01 PM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] Was: Am I just being naïve? Relaxed parenting


I remember getting yelled at for spilling things. I also remember
when me and my sis were growing up we could not laugh or talk at the
dinner table. Well, of course we would end up in the giggles
probably from stress<G> and then get yelled at, maybe spanked. It is
so ridiculous to me, all I want to do is hear my kids laugh. It is
always the right time for that! We are all pretty relaxed around
here. I think humor is the cornerstone for our marriage and how we
interact with the kids. We are always laughing at eachother,
probably too much..LOL! Don't trip in front of me, my maturity
reaches an all time low!! <BG>

Olga :)

--- In [email protected], "Mary" <mummy124@b...>
wrote:
> >
> <<They didn't spill their juice on purpose. They come to me and
say "Mom I
> spilled my juice on the rug." I say "OK do you need help cleaning
it up?"
> Then they either say no and go get a towel or they say yes and we
clean it
> up
> together. There is no punishment. I don't scream at them for
spilling the
> juice.>>
>
>
> And aside from our children crying, isn't this one of the first
things that
> really test our patience and the way we parent? Spilling stuff??
And is it
> really that big of a deal? I can't think of any time that it is. So
you
> spend some time cleaning it up, we've all spilled stuff. I can't
imagine
> getting all bent out of shape over something like that. And if our
children
> see us so upset over something that was a genuine accident, what
they must
> think we'll do if they really make a mistake?
>
>
>
>
>
> <<I also try to help whenever asked. Even if I think they can do it
> themselves. If my oldest asks me to make him a peanut butter
sandwich,
> unless there is some reason that I can't, I will say yes.>>
>
>
> And again, not really a big deal and it makes them so happy. I
still do
> things like that for Tara. Sometimes without her asking I'll just
go and
> finish food she started cooking and bring it to her. She is just so
happy to
> have me do it. And like this morning, she stayed home from school
and came
> out all sleepy and kissing me and said "Mommy" in a voice that I
know she's
> going to ask for something. I always tease when she uses that tone
and just
> say no and she laughs. She was hungry for pancakes. Now she's quite
capable
> of making them herself and I was doing about 5 other things but so
what? I
> made pancakes and she was so very happy and so was Alyssa and
Sierra as they
> ended up eating again!!! It was a great way to start a great day!
>
> Mary B


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn Coburn

Maybe because your father didn't hit you for laughing at the dinner
table, even if he did sulk about it.

Robyn Coburn



<<I wonder, what is the difference that I recall these childhood
memories
with fondness and affection rather than resentment and hostility towards
my
Daddy?>>




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/21/03 3:38:39 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
dezigna@... writes:

> Maybe because your father didn't hit you for laughing at the dinner
> table, even if he did sulk about it.
>
> Robyn Coburn
>

My father did hit me.. No, not for laughing at dinner, that wasnt a
punishable offense. But, when we crossed "his" line, his form of
punishment was a belt or a "king hickory switch". Yes, the memories of
getting spanked are hurtful. Getting spanked was humiliating and painful (
in more ways than one). I regret being spanked as a child, I wish my Daddy
had never hit me. I wish my Daddy wasn't an alcoholic. But, I love him and
forgive him for his mistakes. I guess it still goes back to him doing more
good than bad as a parent. I know many families are not as lucky, and the
bad stuff outweighs and overshadows the good. I'm sorry for that.

Teresa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary

From: "Have A Nice Day!" <litlrooh@...>


<<I used to be the kind of parent that would yell for spills. Maybe because
I was so overwhelmed with the WAY overactivity of my firstborn. I just
didni't know what I could or should do.>>



I should also say that I too use to get a bit ruffled with spills from my
first child. Again it was inexperience and just not seeing that it wasn't a
big deal. I do now though and luckily it didn't take me long to see that. Of
course even now my first instinct is to think OH NO because I am a bit of
clean freak. It's a big house with a lot of inhabitants. But I refrain and
say it's okay, no big deal and then secretly the next day pull out the
carpet cleaner!!!

Mary B

Tim and Maureen

----- Original Message -----
From: Have A Nice Day!
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 11:34 PM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Was: Am I just being naïve? Relaxed parenting



<<<Nowadays, I am watching all those myths collapse in front of my very eyes. And I'm so glad.>>>>

Here here!!!!
Yahoo

maureen





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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/21/2003 9:27:06 AM Eastern Standard Time,
grlynbl@... writes:

>
> My father did hit me.. No, not for laughing at dinner, that wasnt a
> punishable offense. But, when we crossed "his" line, his form of
> punishment was a belt or a "king hickory switch". Yes, the memories of
> getting spanked are hurtful. Getting spanked was humiliating and painful (
>
> in more ways than one). I regret being spanked as a child, I wish my
> Daddy
> had never hit me. I wish my Daddy wasn't an alcoholic. But, I love him and
> forgive him for his mistakes. I guess it still goes back to him doing
> more
> good than bad as a parent. I know many families are not as lucky, and the
> bad stuff outweighs and overshadows the good. I'm sorry for that.
>
> Teresa

Mine did and was an alcoholic also. From what I understand I was to be a boy.
I paid dearly for that.
When I lived with him I was beaten because I didn't wake up with a smile.
Every morning my stepmother would stand at the top of the stairs and wait. If
I was not smiling and did not say good morning back I was punished and hit.
This went on for months. I refused to do that and why the hell did it matter
anyway? If they would have just let me wake up I would have been fine. I
still wake up grumpy at times.

He is a better man now and we have talked about it. Actually when I was 22 I
was very much a big drinker. One night I called him totally drunk and let
him have it. I told him I hated what he did to me and that most of my
childhood was spent dealing with what he had done to me. We talked for hours
that night.

I was a very quiet child and would never talk to any adults. I constantly
herd "oh she's so quiet." Gee I wonder why?

Fact is I joined the Marines because he said I was too cocky to make it
through any boot camp. So I joined the hardest one. Well, I showed him. I
was also able to deal with my anger. Boot camp broke me. I was angry that
they pushed me so hard but in the last month I learned a lot about my self.

I was/am a survivor or abuse, rape and was dumped child. I was in a foster
home (right across the street from my family) and my foster father also raped
me when I was 13. I was confused and very reckless later. My Mom who
thought she was the know it all of drug detection accused me of using drugs.
I did experiment later but I has actually been secretly drinking for years.
It was the constant accusations that drove me to try drugs.

I will never do that to my kids. I talk to them about everything. My oldest
knows if he needs to come to me he can.

At almost 33 I wish I knew then what I know now. I think I am still a work
in progress and their are missing years in my life. I was tested constantly.
I know those tests especially the one with the physiologist holds the answers
to the missing information. My Mom has them and keeps making excuses like she
cant find them etc.

I let it go until an old friend of the family told me a few years ago that
she is proud of me and had really thought I would not have made it past 18.
Not a good thing to tell me but part of me is glad someone knew something cuz
something was eating away at me.
She is very I'll right now. I am afraid she will pass and I will never know.
Maybe from her concerns it is best I don't know...... She is a great woman
and I know she is keeping it for a good reason.

Anyway, maybe too much information but this is what was in my head when I
read some of the posts.

Laura D


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

Laura,

I am very sorry for your traumatic and painful childhood. You have great strength and courage to have survived. I admire your fortitude and persistence. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you

Teresa

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/21/2003 3:04:30 PM Eastern Standard Time,
grlynbl@... writes:

> Laura,
>
> I am very sorry for your traumatic and painful childhood. You have great
> strength and courage to have survived. I admire your fortitude and
> persistence. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you
>
> Teresa
>

Thank you.



Laura D


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]