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Quoting something Sandra said, about how she helps families. The shift going
on in our family is really powerful. My 10yo Megan and I have had some really
cool discussions lately. My mom loved me, but was never there for me in this
capacity. I am so thankful for these conversations between my daughter and
me.

A lot of good ones in the car on the way somewhere, she has said she wishes
we could spend all the time in the car because we get along best and talk so
much. Some good ones have been coming at the end of an argument that would
usually not stop like this before. In other words, I would stew for a long
period of time and not be able to let go of my anger, and the opportunities
for talking it out never happened. I still struggle with this. It's hard to
stop focusing on my own feelings to be there and listen and talk with my
daughter. It's changing, though.

We were talking today after she said something that hurt my feelings and I
got really mad and defensive. She said she hadn't meant it. I told her of
course she meant it, and she said NO. She said "my mouth is an early riser
and my mind sometimes sleeps in." She said why is it that I(mom) could do
something or say something and apologize and get forgiveness, but she
couldn't? It froze me in my tracks. She is so right about so many things, it
just floors me. I have had to humble myself to her more than once when she
sees me being a hypocrite.

We were also talking about she gets upset and starts feeling like she is
always wrong and doesn't do anything right. She always thinks I am right
about everything and loves to prove me wrong. I told her I'm not and she has,
and it makes us closer, if we're honest.

She said she wants to be an adult, and know everything. I told her I don't
know everything, I make big mistakes (the whole school portion of her life),
and I think it's more important to learn about what thrills her and know how
to find the answer to anything else, and how to learn from mistakes and not
pretend to know everything and always be right.

We talked about how lots of kids want to be grown up, because it would mean
they have some control of their life. Instead, they exert their power on
other kids to try to feel like they are in control. She is very familiar with
that. And we were able to say that she is as close to being in contol of her
life as possible, as close to being a grown up, without the worries and fears
that children don't realize adults have. By being unschooled and living and
learning and sleeping and eating all by her own choosing. Mom still needing
to let go even more, but a long way we've come.

She said she wishes I would never say "no", but knows that isn't realistic. I
say "no" a lot less than I used to, because I am not trying to control her as
much. I try to say "yes" more and more, which is the opposite of the way I
used to be. I used to be controlling and punitive all the time, demanding to
know who she thinks she is (caught myself saying it again the other day-- i
hate that), how dare she try to be an equal to her father and I, she should
know her place, blah blah blah.

It isn't like that so much anymore. I now know she is practicing for the time
when she is on her own. She needs not do as I say, not as I do. I am
modelling behavior for my kids, and never quite realized the impact before.

While I wish I didn't have to come from negativity on our journey to peace,
it is amazing the DUH moments that I get along the way.

Thanks for everyone involved in my unschooling journey, helping heal years of
negativity and celebrating peace.

Ang


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