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In a message dated 5/14/2003 9:26:52 PM Eastern Standard Time,
robwight@... writes:

> Hi All
>
> I have a problem that I need some input on by parents who won't just tell
> me that my children just need to learn who is boss!
>
> When anyone visits, often my 11 year old son, James, likes to listen to the
> conversation. While this is okay by me most of the time, sometimes its not.
> He doesn't like to let anything go past without understanding it. So he
> keeps interrupting the conversation with "What did she say?", "What did she
> mean when she said...", "What did you mean when you said that..." "How..."
> and so on. Whilst in principal I see no reason why he shouldn't be there or
> shouldn't take part in the conversation, his need for constant explanations
> kills the conversation. The person I am trying to talk to becomes
> frustrated, I become frustrated, we forget what we were talking about and
> often run out of time. On one occasion, a friend was trying to introduce me
> to someone, but James was so demanding that she ended up turning to the
> lady, throwing up her hands and saying "It's impossible to talk to Sue."
>
> If I get to a stage where I ask him to let me have a talk on my own to
> whoever, he is hurt and feels ostracized (He suffered a lot with bullying
> when in school) and just genuinely doesn't understand why I would need to
> talk to someone without him there. I then have to try and explain that we
> are not talking about him, not talking about anything top secret but that
> we do want to talk and are having trouble having a conversation with his
> over involvement. I try to explain that a conversation involves listening
> and talking but that with his constant questions he is monopolizing the
> conversation.
>
> Sometimes too there are conversations which are beyond his experience and
> whilst I don't want to give the impression that they are top secret, the
> conversation can't go beyond his understanding while he insists on a
> dictionary definition of every word.
>
> I do find the situation is a lot less stressful around people who have a
> more accepting view of children - unschoolers in particular but it still
> happens at a lower level. With people who expect to be able to talk
> exclusively to me and that the children will just go and play quietly
> somewhere, his needs seem to quadruple and I end up feeling overwhelmed by
> the struggle of trying to have a conversation. Then I hesitate to ask him
> to go away, because I know they will expect me to tell him to go away and
> punish him if he doesn't. I don't want to do that. When I ask him to go
> away he doesn't understand ends up crying and still doesn't go away. End of
> conversation.
>
> We have come so far in the time since we left school and began unschooling
> (two and a half years ago), but the emotional school scars are still there
> and I find it frustrating that visitors usually don't get to see us as we
> now are - far more relaxed and comfortable with each other - because of
> this conversation stress.
>
> I want to respect James' need for explanations, but also be able to meet my
> need to talk to people.
>
> Anyone got any advice?
>
> Susan

Our son does that at times.
If you are ok with it let it be. He is your son, your responsibility. I would
not tell him to go away for the sake of anyone else.
My Father In Law says my son knows too much. I ask him what is it that you
dont think he should know? He cant answer that. Some people are just in the
children should been seen and not heard mode.
If it does bother you enough to want to speak to him or ask him to leave,
Maybe sit down with him and explain....... What.....Why though ... explain
what? I was going to give a suggestion but then I wonder why cant he ask, why
cant he know what something means?

Our son is very sociable, he can talk to anyone about anything. He holds a
conversation better than I can and he is only 11.

If you have to tell people he is doing a study on human interactions. Why an
excuse I dont know, I wouldn't but it may help your situation.

As for the private needed conversations ... I am blank tonight. The only
ideas I can think of is a movie, video game, do it over the phone or go out
side where he may get interested in something else.

Laura D


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