sablehs

Subject: Re: having kids...


> When I lost my second daughter, Hillary was stillborn at 38 weeks, Haleigh
> was my saving grace. Having her to focus my energy and love into saved me
> from a deep and paralyzing depression. It scares me to think of where I
> would be now had it not been for having to come out of the darkness and
face
> my responsibilitites as a mother. Strange as it may sound, and as much as
I
> would give anything to have Hillary here with me now, her brief passing
> through my life has given me so much and taught me so many lessons that I
> think only losing a child can teach a person. I felt this same sentiment
in
> the recent posts on losing children.

I understand but I don't think it has to just be a child. I think it might have to be a VERY tramatic situation.
I lost my sister {by loose I mean she is missing for 20 years now} when i was 13. There is NOTHING like not knowing what happened to someone close to you. I'm not saying my situation is worse then yours, {and don't let this email come through to you as snotty- always like to add the disclaimer so my feeling hopefully comes through} I'm saying it was something that affected my veiw on the world and also greatly affected my view on how precious our loved ones are. She was an adult, 22 and like I said I was 13. She is in my head and with me always weither she really is dead {like the situation looks and feels like} or for some reason however unlikely just left.
Tracy



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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jmcseals SEALS

Tracy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. My brother died a year and a half
ago. (I didn't find your post snotty at all, btw. <g>) When Hillary was
born, she weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces. She looked perfect in every way,
although she had lost deep layers of skin and lacked muscle and cartilage
tone due to the fact that she passed away a week before birth, so her head
was very relaxed and would sort of flatten out in my hands when I held her.
We had an extensive autopsy performed and genetic testing which revealed no
answers as to the reason of why she died. (I now wish I hadn't chosen to do
those things.) I realize that it is a different kind of not knowing, but
that has plagued me for the past 10 years. Losing my brother also had a
tremendous affect on my life, very similar to losing Hillary. Losing him
greatly changed my views in dealing with loved ones. My mother and husband
in particular. (Long derailing story there.) However, there are different
things I took away from each situation. Losing Michael changed my views in
how I see people in general, young and old. Losing Hillary had deeper
effects regarding my living children. Mostly through the little, everyday
things that are so easily taken for granted and/or cause annoyance. For
some reason, my words are locking up on me and I can't express what I am
trying to say here. I, too, am not trying to be snotty. :) I don't feel as
if either is any more profound or moving, I just feel as though there is a
difference, yet I am unable to express it in clear words.

Jennifer




I understand but I don't think it has to just be a child. I think it might
have to be a VERY tramatic situation.
I lost my sister {by loose I mean she is missing for 20 years now} when i
was 13. There is NOTHING like not knowing what happened to someone close to
you. I'm not saying my situation is worse then yours, {and don't let this
email come through to you as snotty- always like to add the disclaimer so my
feeling hopefully comes through} I'm saying it was something that affected
my veiw on the world and also greatly affected my view on how precious our
loved ones are. She was an adult, 22 and like I said I was 13. She is in my
head and with me always weither she really is dead {like the situation looks
and feels like} or for some reason however unlikely just left.
Tracy

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

sablehs

--- In [email protected], "jmcseals SEALS"
<jmcseals@m...> wrote:
I realize that it is a different kind of not knowing, but
> that has plagued me for the past 10 years. Losing my brother also
had a
> tremendous affect on my life, very similar to losing Hillary.
Losing him
> greatly changed my views in dealing with loved ones. My mother and
husband
> in particular. (Long derailing story there.) However, there are
different
> things I took away from each situation. Losing Michael changed my
views in
> how I see people in general, young and old. Losing Hillary had
deeper
> effects regarding my living children. Mostly through the little,
everyday
> things that are so easily taken for granted and/or cause
annoyance. For
> some reason, my words are locking up on me and I can't express what
I am
> trying to say here. I, too, am not trying to be snotty. :) I
don't feel as
> if either is any more profound or moving, I just feel as though
there is a
> difference, yet I am unable to express it in clear words.
>

Right but what I am saying is that those profound different events
can lead 2 people to the same conclusion. Effecting everything about
me and how I treat others.
Every time I am out I look for her, even though my concious mind
knows she won't be there. I don't know she is dead but pretty sure of
it {if anyone knows the history of the Hell's Angels you'll get my
drift}.
In effect our situations are the same. I think I look upon her when I
look in my daughters' eyes because part of the reason she ended up
the way she did IMHO was because of being passed around like she was
damaged goods when she was young. So it had an HUGE impact on how I
parent, the mate I chose to be with, what I believe.... EVERYTHING
about who I am today.
And I always said that I think it impacted me the most. I related
with her the most. After she was gone I was always compaired to her
{in a negitive way}. Anyway nothing like a death of a person where
you KNOW they are dead and you have a set time to morn. I morn her
absence but know not that she is gone. In a since she became a large
part of me.
ANYWAY...
There's no way I could explain the whole history and the whole
ramifications {no spell check} just as I couldn't say for sure how
loosing a child would effect me {but I do have a pretty good idea
because of this I VERY MUCH have imagined it over and over along with
them being abducted}, unless you have had a close family member
missing, where you don't know ANYTHING {all these for emphasis}
and have good reasons to expect the worse {like her being tortured
etc}, don't underestimate the change in a person that can occur due
to it all. :-)
Tracy