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In a message dated 5/12/2003 9:51:21 PM Eastern Standard Time,
jmcseals@... writes:


> He needs to
> understand that throwing a ball at someone hurts. *His* consequence of his
>
> actions is seeing you hurt.

In a kid to kid scenario though, what would probably happen is the hurt kid
wouldn't want to play with the ball thrower anymore. The child would also
learn that if you hurt someone, that person may not want to be your friend,
or that person may be afraid of you and your actions. When something like
this has happened in our home, I have also walked away from the situation and
said that I'd rather not "play" with that person for now.

If someone says mean, hateful things to me, then I may say I would rather not
be around that person at the moment. I have also stated that I would not
talk to that person in the same manner, and that it hurts me to be spoken to
that way, and that I'd rather not be hurt anymore so I am "removing" myself
from the conversation and I don't want to talk for the time being. If the
child continues to spout off at me, I ignore. When there is a change in
tone, or an apology, or I can see a real change in heart, I don't dwell on
the unkind things, we just continue the conversation without the attacks.
Maybe I believe this way a little more because we deal with foster children
who have been raised very differently and on some things, I have to set a
clear standard or our home would be chaos.

No one deserves to be spoken to hatefully. If you were walking down the
street and observed an elderly person, or someone of a minority race, or
anyone for that matter, being spat on, being slurred, or attacked
verbally/physically, would you do nothing? No one deserves to be treated in
this way, especially other people in the family and/or ourselves. When
someone is stuck unable to function because one child decides they don't want
to go, or they cannot control their anger, it affects the entire family,
especially the other children. I think the 2 choice principle would work
well here...we are going to the bank...would you like to bring a book or your
game so you don't get bored? We're going to the play park to visit with
other families,...would you like to bring your skates/bike/games to share
with the other kids, or would you rather read in the car?

Nancy


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jmcseals SEALS

**In a kid to kid scenario though, what would probably happen is the hurt
kid
wouldn't want to play with the ball thrower anymore. The child would also
learn that if you hurt someone, that person may not want to be your friend,
or that person may be afraid of you and your actions. When something like
this has happened in our home, I have also walked away from the situation
and
said that I'd rather not "play" with that person for now.***

Good point, and I agree. In this case, it is not the parent that has to
decide that they kids can't play together though, which is not a natural
consequence. Also, with young children, addressing the situation with them
both (if possible) and finding peaceful solutions together will most likely
prevent continued hard feelings and allow them to continue playing. I would
always try to focus on solutions that bring back peace immediately, not
those that leave the child left alone in guilt and unhappiness.

Jennifer

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