Rant warning Re: estranged from parents
Tracy Oldfield
Well, all the feedback on home-ed I've had was from my mum, who seems to think that since the 'world' (ie society) we live in is competitive, that everyone should be competitive. Yet she allowed me the freedom as a small child to not go to playgroup or nursery when I didn't want to go, but couldn't see that that was a viable option as I was growing up, even though there was a very high-profile case of a local home educated girl gaining a place at Oxford aged 8 or 12 or something nuts. So I told her what I was trying to do any why, generally speaking regarding the kids' freedom to choose. Which is OK. One thing that bugged me was that she used to ask constantly about my neice, dh's sister's child, whom I'm ok with but not the world's expert, you know? As if her own grandchildren weren't interesting enough! (sorry, I'm in rant mode and tired, too!)
Anyhow, yes I bet it's really tough when they don't agree with what you're doing, but that's part of what I find difficult to understand with my mum. Is it part of a grandparent's job description to make the parents' life more difficult? I'm not blaming her, I know she has her own issues that are still hanging over her head, (the thread on emotional roots of auto-immune disease were very interesting from this p.o.v., anyone got any links on this subject?
Sorry to clog up the list with ranting!
Tracy
Anyhow, yes I bet it's really tough when they don't agree with what you're doing, but that's part of what I find difficult to understand with my mum. Is it part of a grandparent's job description to make the parents' life more difficult? I'm not blaming her, I know she has her own issues that are still hanging over her head, (the thread on emotional roots of auto-immune disease were very interesting from this p.o.v., anyone got any links on this subject?
Sorry to clog up the list with ranting!
Tracy
----- Original Message -----
From: Debra Bures
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, February 23, 2000 7:11 PM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] estranged from parents
From: "Debra Bures" <buresfam@...>
we live over the stream and through the woods from my in-laws--a definite mixed blessing. We've had to be very clear in setting boundaries, and clear with the kids. We've had the kids drilled in what they're learning, subtle and not-so-subtle sabotaging our homeschooling.Whenever I tell them about something our kids are doing, they always talk about the other grandkids, whom they seldom see and seldom speak to. But we do the best we can and carry on.
Debra
----- Original Message -----
From: Tracy Oldfield
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, February 23, 2000 11:13 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] estranged from parents
From: "Tracy Oldfield" <Tracy@...-online.co.uk>
hmmm. I live in the same village as my mum, and the next-but-one village from dh's parents. Today, we walked to the library, the park, my mum's for lunch, the 'swings-and-slides,' and home. The girls are very tired :-) It's nice to have this convenience, and when we lived in the next village from here, 3 from the in-laws, I said it was good that we were close enough to visit without having to stay the night :-) But I still find my mum's attitudes drive me nuts. She's relaxed about some things, house-type stuff, but then she's drilling my kids in competitiveness, choosing teams when there are game programmes on the telly and putting down whoever chose the losing team, can you credit? She doesn't mind that my kids don't ask or say please, but then she acts like a martyr while she's doing stuff. She laughs when I try to tell them what I expect, and she tells me things I don't need them to hear, while they are there, like how they behaved, or whether they used the toilet! This seems linked with the thread on balance to me, the trust and understanding are there with her, but not the authority, or so it seems to me. It's really frustrating, but I can't find the words to tell her, and I don't want to while the girls are there, and we never seem to see each other when they are not.
Moving isn't an option for us, we have a successful business with a lot of local clients, and we just moved last year anyhow. This situation is nothing like being under threat of court orders, The best of luck with that, and if you can't move out of the state, I'd move as far as possible inside the state :-)
Tracy
From: Tom & Nanci Kuykendall <tn-k4of5@...>
>....i highly recommend, if your family is not supportive, creating large
and inconvenient distances, even if it's >to the farthest corner of the
state you live in, because it seems that out of site out of mind has some
truth to >it. jmo.
best of luck,
austin,tx
I totally agree. This is absolutely true. We are so much happier living
two states away from my family. It is close enough that the Grandparents
can visit a couple of times a year when the weather is good for driving,
but far enough that they are not all preoccupied with every little aspect
of our lives and are not coming over all the time.
Nanci K.
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susan
Tracy Oldfield wrote:
i would recommend that you read no contest: the case against
competition by alfie kohn. here's a quote from the jacket:
'contrary to the myths with which we have been raised, kohn shows that
competition is not an inevitable part of human nature. it does not
motivate us to do our best (in fact, our workplace and schools are in
trouble because they value competitiveness instead of excellence).
rather than building character, competition sabotages and ruins
relationships. it even warps recreation by turning the playing field
into a battle field.'
i have not gotten to this book, it's still waiting on the shelf along
with many others:) but i did read punished by rewards: the trouble with
gold stars, incentive plans, a's, praise, and other bribes by the same
author and it really helped hone my understanding and knowledge of the
subject and clarified what i already felt to be true.
many years ago i met this man, who was born and raised in thailand, and
he told me that when they catch crabs they never needed to put a lid on
the baskets because the crabs on the bottom always kept the ones on top
from escaping by just pulling them back down. ever since i heard this
story i use it as a metaphor for all those fearful people who try to
undermine my basic beliefs. i found 2 things that really help keep me
from loosing my center, it you will:
one: be happy and sure footed - it's like a natural immunity <g>- at
first the person, who is trying to knock you off course or sway you to
their conviction, may become more aggressive but if you hold fast they
eventually will go away. (this has been my 1st hand experience on many
occasions:)
two: gain knowledge and solidify your beliefs. i have found that many
people - particularly those who try and interfere in another's life -
often have but a superficial knowledge of the stance they are pushing.
so if you can back up your beliefs and develop a strong base and
understand why you believe what you believe they will generally leave
you alone.
Is it part of a grandparent's job description to make the parents' life
more difficult?
i honestly don't think it has to be this way and i hope, if and when, i
become a mother in law and/or grandparent i will not push myself or my
beliefs onto the kids and grand kids. why is it so hard for some people
to be supportive especially when the other person's beliefs are
different than their own? if someone is happy or moving toward
happiness more power to them even if the way they get there looks
different from my own way. if someone is disregarding your choices and
undermining your authority i would have to touch upon what i brought up
in the 'keeping balance' thread : balance within yourself trust,
understanding and authority: trust in your choices, understand why you
believe what you believe and take authority over your life (set up
boundaries) and don't hand it over to you mum just because she steals
every time you turn around. this would be an excellent 'role modeling'
of what the true freedoms of adulthood is about. i am in this process
myself now and feel there is no greater gift to give your kids. and the
add bonus is that you've taken a very frustrating situation and turned
it around. you will find some happiness and all that energy that was
being drained away by this situation will be there to use for other
things. jmo.
-susan
austin,tx
dessert first
> Well, all the feedback on home-ed I've had was from my mum, who seemshi,
> to think that since the 'world' (ie society) we live in is
> competitive, that everyone should be competitive.
i would recommend that you read no contest: the case against
competition by alfie kohn. here's a quote from the jacket:
'contrary to the myths with which we have been raised, kohn shows that
competition is not an inevitable part of human nature. it does not
motivate us to do our best (in fact, our workplace and schools are in
trouble because they value competitiveness instead of excellence).
rather than building character, competition sabotages and ruins
relationships. it even warps recreation by turning the playing field
into a battle field.'
i have not gotten to this book, it's still waiting on the shelf along
with many others:) but i did read punished by rewards: the trouble with
gold stars, incentive plans, a's, praise, and other bribes by the same
author and it really helped hone my understanding and knowledge of the
subject and clarified what i already felt to be true.
many years ago i met this man, who was born and raised in thailand, and
he told me that when they catch crabs they never needed to put a lid on
the baskets because the crabs on the bottom always kept the ones on top
from escaping by just pulling them back down. ever since i heard this
story i use it as a metaphor for all those fearful people who try to
undermine my basic beliefs. i found 2 things that really help keep me
from loosing my center, it you will:
one: be happy and sure footed - it's like a natural immunity <g>- at
first the person, who is trying to knock you off course or sway you to
their conviction, may become more aggressive but if you hold fast they
eventually will go away. (this has been my 1st hand experience on many
occasions:)
two: gain knowledge and solidify your beliefs. i have found that many
people - particularly those who try and interfere in another's life -
often have but a superficial knowledge of the stance they are pushing.
so if you can back up your beliefs and develop a strong base and
understand why you believe what you believe they will generally leave
you alone.
Is it part of a grandparent's job description to make the parents' life
more difficult?
i honestly don't think it has to be this way and i hope, if and when, i
become a mother in law and/or grandparent i will not push myself or my
beliefs onto the kids and grand kids. why is it so hard for some people
to be supportive especially when the other person's beliefs are
different than their own? if someone is happy or moving toward
happiness more power to them even if the way they get there looks
different from my own way. if someone is disregarding your choices and
undermining your authority i would have to touch upon what i brought up
in the 'keeping balance' thread : balance within yourself trust,
understanding and authority: trust in your choices, understand why you
believe what you believe and take authority over your life (set up
boundaries) and don't hand it over to you mum just because she steals
every time you turn around. this would be an excellent 'role modeling'
of what the true freedoms of adulthood is about. i am in this process
myself now and feel there is no greater gift to give your kids. and the
add bonus is that you've taken a very frustrating situation and turned
it around. you will find some happiness and all that energy that was
being drained away by this situation will be there to use for other
things. jmo.
-susan
austin,tx
dessert first