Nora or Devereaux Cannon

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can always
tell the others by their hunted expression."

- Screwtape Letters

It's a balance - and one that gets struck everyday. Most people,
most of the time, like to do things themselves competently and
easily. Each day a child can and will master new skills of adult
living, unless you stop them. For myself, I see it as a loop or
process.

- First the child can't - then I will absolutely and with no
hesitation.
- Second a child can, but doesn't know how - the I will do it
with, alongside, watching from the sidelines as cheerleader or
whatever so the child can; I may still do it when speed or
precision matters. That's why getting dressed to go to a wedding
is supervised long after getting dressed to play in the back yard
is ignored. This is a tough spot and will lead to some days that
all of the laundry comes out pink - and to days of tempery "I CAN
DO IT, MOM" when judgments about ability differ.
-Third a child can and does regularly
- Fourth Mom doing it for them is a gift of love, just like the
cup of coffee they bring me in bed at some point.

Until they can do it, every time I do it is a bit of keeping
power and competency as my own special kingdom. There are things
that I do believe it is my right to keep as my own kingdom
because the kids is not yet ready - our 6 y.o. is allowed to
start the car, but not drive it. But I look at the things I do
through the filter of how they keep the child from learning to
master the world.


----- Original Message -----
From: <rubyprincesstsg@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2003 8:04 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Math phobia, again


| In a message dated 4/29/2003 1:01:20 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
| marji@... writes:
|
| > I believe that unschooling works best when we moms get our
desires out of
| > the picture. In fact, I'd say that where parenting is
concerned, that is
| > true overall, but in order for unschooling to happen in its
most beautiful
| > way, we need to let go of what WE want so our kids can become
more familiar
| >
| > with what THEY want, and set their goals, and dream, and form
plans, and
| > all that.
| >
|
| So if WE WANT to see them happy, We WANT to do things to honor
their being,
| as long as I keep doing things that make them happy because I
WANT to it's
| not good? See just when I think I understand it I really
don't.
|
| OK, I do certain things that I know they like because I know
it makes them
| happy. BUT am I somehow impeding their growth by doing these
things without
| them specifically asking? Or is it just selfish thing to
continue to do the
| things for them?
|
| Do you all plan special things for your children without them
asking? How do
| you go about it so that it is not something about YOU and is
completely for
| the child?
|
| Or is it simply enough to say, I love having my two grown
children come home
| for dinner every night with the rest of the family so I will
just continue to
| cook meals that they enjoy? Whatever the outcome, they get fed
and loved and
| sent back out into the world for another day, so what if it's
all about me?
| Or do I try to find some other place to be? That I don't do
things unless
| requested?
|
| I really really don't want any of this to be about ME, that
would defeat my
| entire purpose of parenting. ME things are other things, not
about things tha
| t bless my family.
|
| How do you all go about that?
|
| glena
|
|
| [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
|
|
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