[email protected]

In a message dated 4/29/2003 1:36:15 AM Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:

> Apparently I'm having a stupid day because I don't understand this either.
> I
> cook for my child every single day of her life, it's not something that she
>
> would ask me to do or not do, it's how life goes around here.
>
> So even in feeding our children we should wait to see if they are
> interested
> before we cook a meal for them?
>
> Apparently this unschooling lifestyle is so far over my head it is going to
>
> be unattainable for me, I simply do not get that even the simplest of
> life's
> existence's has to be validated by one's child in order to be valued or
> right.
>
> Ok, IF she somehow had no interest in supper for example and I had prepared
>
> the meal with love it's still wrong because she specifically did not ask me
>
> to prepare her supper?
>
> What about replacing the toilet paper? You think that's crazy right?
> EVERYTHING I do, I think of my family and how it will bless them or make
> their lives happy, EVEN making sure I buy the brand of toilet tissue they
> like and EVEN making sure it's replaced because I know they dislike finding
>
> out at inopportune times that the roll is empty. I don't think about these
>
> things, I just do them, no one asks me to make the meals or do the shopping
>
> or laundry or any of the things that I do for my children.
>
> I know that one child likes a particular scent of snuggle sheets while
> another really likes her sheets sprayed with linen spray before she goes to
>
> bed. Just because they don't ask with each load of laundry or each night
> before they go to bed does it make it wrong that I do it for them?
>
> Lord I think I need a chart, maybe they can start indicating daily which
> things that I should/can do for them that day that won't be an imposition.
>
> I am soooooo confused...
>
> Preparing a special meal out of love is for ME and not them... I'll keep
> repeating this to myself hoping it will sink in. Unless they ASK it is for
>
> ME not them... mumbling and repeating and trying to understand...
>
> glena
>
>

Glena, this post kind of summed up to me why you seemed to be missing what
people are trying to tell you. And I really do believe it's just a matter of
that one little spark of "getting it" that hasn't happened yet, rather than
your not WANTING to get it.

The best way in the world to unschool, that I have seen, is to live your life
beside your children and to support them in living their own. Someone
mentioned that it was unlikely that if Tiger Woods had kids that they
wouldn't more or less have golf in their blood. They might not be champions,
or even like it much....but being around someone who had a passion for it,
being part the culture of tournaments, etc...the child would Get Golf.
Likewise, lots of children of musicians become musicians, because music is
just a part of what they live with.

I think to unschool effectively means that we parents have to have lives and
interests. We have to have a passion for learning stuff, to like to do stuff.
We CAN'T just do it for the kids. Then it becomes a sacrifice, which IS about
us. Kids don't want us to sacrifice ourselves...that's leads to guilt.

My parents did not homeschool me (although my mom said it was too bad they
didn't know about that, because it would have been perfect for me), but in
their own way, they did kind of unschool us. They had interesting lives, and
we were always welcome to be there. If they had interesting folks over to
visit, we were never sent to our rooms -- we were welcomed into the
conversation.

When we had interests, we were always encouraged and supported in them, and
never told it was silly or impossible.

So, reading the above... I was a bit baffled. Sure, there's nothing wrong
with buying the brand of toilet paper your family likes -- but why are you
the only one who replaces the roll? (I can't remember how old your kids are,
but if there's a concern about algebra and med school, I assume they're not
3). If your child likes her linens sprayed with linen spray, why isn't it
next to her bed for HER to do it?

It's not that it isn't fine for you to have a couple of "Lovey Nurturey"
things you do for your family, but the impression I get is that these are
just the tip of the iceberg. I think the first thing you need to do is to Get
a Life.

I don't mean that in a mean, nasty way. I mean that to model to kids that
there's a cool world of stuff to learn and experience, we need to DO it. What
have YOU always wanted to learn or do? What are YOUR dreams? Someone here
mentioned that she'd love to live in Alaska, but it just isn't in the cards
for her family right now. But I bet she reads about it, watches
documentaries, and spend lots of time planning her next trips there. Her kids
may never care about Alaska, but they'll see that Mom is a person with her
own dreams, and see how she gets tastes of Alaska in her life. They'll learn
how to apply that to their own lives.

So, I think maybe you DO need to do stuff that's about YOU, but not having to
do with your kids. Most of us, particularly early in unschooling, have had
those panicked moments where we blow it. This is scary stuff! So we
apologize and move on. She may never like algebra. If she really wants to get
to Med School, and it's a real dream for her, she'll figure out what she
needs to get there and do it.

My favorite unschooling book isn't about unschooling or even parenting at
all. It's called Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want, by Barbara Sher.
I believe if we all just raised our kids that way everyone would be happier.

Kathryn


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Olga

I thought this was an excellent post. So often, I feel guilty doing
things for myself. Between the kids, house, bills, errands and
working at home there is always this overwhelming feeling looming.
When I do something for myself, I always feel I am justifying it. "Do
I want to start that book, because that is it for the day, nothing
else will get done?" sort of feeling. I do make an effort to do
things and I say NO when need be. What a great reminder that it is
not only okay to sit and read a book but it is part of unschooling
yourself and your children! I really needed to hear that!

Also, I think it relates to what Sandra said in a previous post in
response to if we live a dull life will we hinder our children. You
know, at first I thought "Oh GOd, am I doing enough". Then I
reflected and thought yeah! Me and hubby live a different life from
most of our friends and make different, thoughtful choices. We try
things and I think although we don't discuss all of it directly with
our kids, they surround us and "hear" it.

I never realized that some of the best unschooling I could give my
kids was to make better choices and live a more profound life
myself! Thanks to both of you for some excellent food for thought!!

Olga :)
>
> The best way in the world to unschool, that I have seen, is to live
your life
> beside your children and to support them in living their own.
Someone
> > I think to unschool effectively means that we parents have to
have lives and
> interests. We have to have a passion for learning stuff, to like to
do stuff.
> > My parents did not homeschool me (although my mom said it was too
bad they
> didn't know about that, because it would have been perfect for me),
but in
> their own way, they did kind of unschool us. They had interesting
lives, and
> we were always welcome to be there. If they had interesting folks
over to
> visit, we were never sent to our rooms -- we were welcomed into the
> conversation.
>
> When we had interests, we were always encouraged and supported in
them, and
> never told it was silly or impossible.
>
> > I mean that to model to kids that
> there's a cool world of stuff to learn and experience, we need to
DO it. What
> have YOU always wanted to learn or do? What are YOUR dreams? >
> So, I think maybe you DO need to do stuff that's about YOU, but not
having to
> do with your kids. Most of us, particularly early in unschooling,
have had
> those panicked moments where we blow it. This is scary stuff! So
we
> apologize and move on. She may never like algebra. If she really
wants to get
> to Med School, and it's a real dream for her, she'll figure out
what she
> needs to get there and do it.
>
> My favorite unschooling book isn't about unschooling or even
parenting at
> all. It's called Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want, by
Barbara Sher.
> I believe if we all just raised our kids that way everyone would be
happier.
>
> Kathryn
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]