Tim and Maureen

Hi again

I have a daughter who is 12. She has motor skills that frustrate her as she is unable to keep up with others. Always has had this trouble. She seems to find socialising awkward. We have discussed it and she just does not know how to mingle and interact. She is awkward physically and is big for her age.Appears to have thyroid difficulties that we are just becoming aware of. She also has had anxiety attacks and generally has a low anxiety always.
The question is this. She is lonely. She wants a good friend. Had one but it fell apart as she handled some emotional differences inappropriately. I listen and support her and now we are in special Olympics rhythmic gymnastics.She appears to like this although claims she is not handicapped.In this group she is not the last or clumsiest for the first time. By being in this group are we telling her there is something wrong with her and is there any more I can do to help with the social frustration. We were at a movie and I saw her looking at two girls walking and chatting together. When I asked her what she thought when she saw this she said she wanted a friend to do that with. I quetioned whether she thought she might have more luck socially in school. She said maybe but she was not willing to go that route. She recognised that they would tease her for her size, red hair and slowness.

I realise I cannot control or make her pain go away. This is hard to see and I wonder if I am depriving her socially somehow.

Tim and Maureen Thomas
http://www.stillwaters.ca


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Betsy

**I have a daughter who is 12. She has motor skills that frustrate her
as she is unable to keep up with others. Always has had this trouble.
She seems to find socialising awkward. We have discussed it and she just
does not know how to mingle and interact. She is awkward physically and
is big for her age.Appears to have thyroid difficulties that we are just
becoming aware of. She also has had anxiety attacks and generally has a
low anxiety always. The question is this. She is lonely. She wants a
good friend. **


I hope you won't think I'm goofy or missing the point, but until she can
develop some friendships with kids her age, how about a dog for
affection and companionship that doesn't waver. (My friendships wavered
a lot and had very bumpy spots when I was 12 and in school.)

Betsy

kbolden

>>I hope you won't think I'm goofy or missing the point, but until she can
develop some friendships with kids her age, how about a dog for
affection and companionship that doesn't waver. (My friendships wavered
a lot and had very bumpy spots when I was 12 and in school.)<<

This was a great idea for my niece a few years back. She loved the dog, took it to the park all the time, etc. She got very interested in obedience training, making natural dog food and all sorts of stuff. She even did some breeding. Most of the people she met were adults, so it didn't really get her any friends her age, but it did help her be more sure of herself.

BTW, I'm new here, coming out of lurkdom after a couple of weeks of reading.

Kay, the dog lover

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Tim and Maureen

----- Original Message -----
From: Betsy
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2003 7:20 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] question about social hel



I hope you won't think I'm goofy or missing the point, but until she can
develop some friendships with kids her age, how about a dog for
affection and companionship that doesn't waver. (My friendships wavered
a lot and had very bumpy spots when I was 12 and in school.)

Betsy

No I don't think you are goofy. Thanks for your interest. We have a dog. I guess one of my concerns is that she can't do the social friendship thing. There is some speculation that she has aspergers autism so the social thing fits. I guess really I just feel sad for her. We present a large number of social opportunities and have offered lots of activity choice. Nothing seems to have clicked for her and she is lonely ad feeling very outcast.


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zenmomma2kids

>> I have a daughter who is 12. She has motor skills that frustrate
her as she is unable to keep up with others. Always has had this
trouble. She seems to find socialising awkward.>>

This would have described Conor while he was still in school. It was
becoming a big issue for him. Once he came out, he stopped trying so
hard to fit into the places that were so difficult for him and
instead focused more on where his own strengths lie.

So instead of trying football, baseball, soccer, etc. he participates
in non-competitive physical activities. He rollerblades and bikes and
can usually keep up fine during those activities. He rarely goes in
for big group stuff, though and prefers one on one stuff better.

He's also focused on making friendships through the activities that
he is good at (or at least enjoys), like computer gaming, D&D, etc.
Right now he is also finding that he can connect with older (16/17)
girls. He's got a couple of friends who are girls right now. He's
also always been better at connecting with adults than kids his own
age.

>>We have discussed it and she just does not know how to mingle and
interact. She is awkward physically and is big for her age.Appears to
have thyroid difficulties that we are just becoming aware of. She
also has had anxiety attacks and generally has a low anxiety always.>>

Has she always been unschooled? Does she have any school induced
stuff to get over? I have found that Conor is really blossoming
socially this past year, from 13 to 14. He's just becoming able to
talk to people comfortably and make contacts a bit more easily. I
think it's a combo of a certain level of maturity and a big enough
distance from the painful memories of school socialization.

>>The question is this. She is lonely. She wants a good friend. Had
one but it fell apart as she handled some emotional differences
inappropriately.>>

Oh dear sweet girl. {{{{hugs}}}}}} We've all had relationships fall
apart because we handled something poorly. At least I have. She
shouldn't feel hopeless because of this, she can learn from it!

We're moving soon and Conor is worried about making friends again.
I've been telling him that *he* has made the friendships he has thus
far. *He* has learned more skills than he had at age 9 and they're
just going to keep getting better. Your daughter was able to form one
good friendship. It's sad that it fell apart, but you can help her
use what she learned to try to find some new connections.

>>I listen and support her and now we are in special Olympics
rhythmic gymnastics.She appears to like this although claims she is
not handicapped.In this group she is not the last or clumsiest for
the first time. By being in this group are we telling her there is
something wrong with her and is there any more I can do to help with
the social frustration.>>

What does she think? Does she like the class? Are there good social
contacts for her there? Does she like the physical aspect of it? I
wouldn't focus so much on improving her clumsiness as I would helping
her to find her own strengths. What makes her shine? Groups might not
be the best solution. There's a built in opportunity to compare
yourself with others. Maybe some individual opportunities to use her
body.

>>We were at a movie and I saw her looking at two girls walking and
chatting together. When I asked her what she thought when she saw
this she said she wanted a friend to do that with. I quetioned
whether she thought she might have more luck socially in school. She
said maybe but she was not willing to go that route. She recognised
that they would tease her for her size, red hair and slowness.>>

In my experience, school was the WORST place for Conor to be. Any
differences are just magnified and highlighted in the school setting.

>> I realise I cannot control or make her pain go away. This is hard
to see and I wonder if I am depriving her socially somehow.>>

By not sending her into obviously frustrating and potentially soul-
damaging situations? NO WAY!

Help her find her strengths and don't focus too much attention on her
weaker points. Let her shine. That plus your support and love will
help her remain Whole.

Life is good.
~Mary

zenmomma2kids

>> I guess one of my concerns is that she can't do the social
friendship thing. There is some speculation that she has aspergers
autism so the social thing fits. I guess really I just feel sad for
her. We present a large number of social opportunities and have
offered lots of activity choice. Nothing seems to have clicked for
her and she is lonely ad feeling very outcast.>>

Have you been to the Special Needs folder on the mesage boards at
unschooling.com? Anne Ohman hangs out over there and your daughter
sounds a lot like her son Jacob. She has an amazing ability to see
the beauty in her child and help him see it too. I've met Jacob. He
is the most well adjested child you'll ever know. And he has all of
the challenges you are describing. Maybe you can chat with Anne about
how she has helped Jake become the happy, content person that he is.

Life is good.
~Mary

Tim and Maureen

----- Original Message -----
From: zenmomma2kids
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2003 10:15 AM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: question about social help



>

He's also focused on making friendships through the activities that
he is good at (or at least enjoys), like computer gaming, D&D, etc.
Right now he is also finding that he can connect with older (16/17)
girls. He's got a couple of friends who are girls right now. He's
also always been better at connecting with adults than kids his own
age.

Thank you for your kind words. Funny how I couldn't think of focusing on her strong points.Guess i was feeling a bit funky.Molly is still trying to find what she is good at. She has a sister (the hypersensitive one)who is mega quick and finds every activity easy and is noticed by others right away for her immediate skill. Hard on Molly.Her sister does not rub this in at all but molly notices it none the less. We have been focusing on accepting herself for where she is at.



Has she always been unschooled? Does she have any school induced
stuff to get over?

Molly has been home now for 5 years and really unschooled for 2-3 years. I'm not sure if she has stuff still to get over. I guess being put in special reading and needing extra help always.

!


I like the idea of finding areas for her to use her body individually. She so far loves rythmic gymnastics as there is no focus on others ability. She has only been involved for about 1 month.She laughed with one girl over a move they made and was very excited. This alone was social contact enough for her. One girl is seeking her out .Molly is hesitant but we are working on trying one visit and seeing how it goes. I am helping her with wording to make the call.

>>

Help her find her strengths and don't focus too much attention on her
weaker points. Let her shine. That plus your support and love will
help her remain Whole.

Thank You again. I sometimes forget about this.

maureen

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zenmomma2kids

>>Thank you for your kind words. Funny how I couldn't think of
focusing on her strong points.Guess i was feeling a bit funky.>>

It happens. :o) It can happen to them even more. That's why it's so
important for us to remind them and help them and encourage them
towards what *is* working for them. And every child has those
qualities that make them shine. Schools only appreciate one or two
qualities in a "good" student. We have the ability to open up the
whole world of possibilities for our kids to shine in their own
unique way.

>>Molly is still trying to find what she is good at. She has a sister
(the hypersensitive one)who is mega quick and finds every activity
easy and is noticed by others right away for her immediate skill.>>

Sounds a lot like my two kids.

>>Hard on Molly.Her sister does not rub this in at all but molly
notices it none the less. We have been focusing on accepting herself
for where she is at.>>

And where she is, is exactly where she needs to be right now. She has
amazing gifts and her gifts will be unlike her sister's or anyone
else's. It's not just a matter of accepting herself as less than
someone else (not saying that's what you're encouraging BTW), but
understanding that there are other qualities that are *her*
strengths. Qualities she can bring to the world unlike any other's.

>>Molly has been home now for 5 years and really unschooled for 2-3
years. I'm not sure if she has stuff still to get over. I guess being
put in special reading and needing extra help always.>>

I think that can definitely give a kid the feeling of being "less
than." The more places she has to shine, the more successes she has
NOW, the less that old school stuff will matter.

>>I like the idea of finding areas for her to use her body
individually. She so far loves rythmic gymnastics as there is no
focus on others ability. She has only been involved for about 1
month.She laughed with one girl over a move they made and was very
excited. This alone was social contact enough for her.>>

Great!

>>One girl is seeking her out .Molly is hesitant but we are working
on trying one visit and seeing how it goes. I am helping her with
wording to make the call.>>

I still make the phone calls for both of my kids when they ask or
need me to. Sometimes that's needed to get the ball rolling.

Good luck!

Life is good.
~Mary

Tim and Maureen

Mary

thanks for your support!! Appreciated more than you know. This road has been really hard some days.
----- Original Message -----
From: zenmomma2kids
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2003 11:08 AM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: question about social help


>>Thank you for your kind words. Funny how I couldn't think of
focusing on her strong points.Guess i was feeling a bit funky.>>

It happens. :o) It can happen to them even more. That's why it's so
important for us to remind them and help them and encourage them
towards what *is* working for them. And every child has those
qualities that make them shine. Schools only appreciate one or two
qualities in a "good" student. We have the ability to open up the
whole world of possibilities for our kids to shine in their own
unique way.

>>Molly is still trying to find what she is good at. She has a sister
(the hypersensitive one)who is mega quick and finds every activity
easy and is noticed by others right away for her immediate skill.>>

Sounds a lot like my two kids.

>>Hard on Molly.Her sister does not rub this in at all but molly
notices it none the less. We have been focusing on accepting herself
for where she is at.>>

And where she is, is exactly where she needs to be right now. She has
amazing gifts and her gifts will be unlike her sister's or anyone
else's. It's not just a matter of accepting herself as less than
someone else (not saying that's what you're encouraging BTW), but
understanding that there are other qualities that are *her*
strengths. Qualities she can bring to the world unlike any other's.

>>Molly has been home now for 5 years and really unschooled for 2-3
years. I'm not sure if she has stuff still to get over. I guess being
put in special reading and needing extra help always.>>

I think that can definitely give a kid the feeling of being "less
than." The more places she has to shine, the more successes she has
NOW, the less that old school stuff will matter.

>>I like the idea of finding areas for her to use her body
individually. She so far loves rythmic gymnastics as there is no
focus on others ability. She has only been involved for about 1
month.She laughed with one girl over a move they made and was very
excited. This alone was social contact enough for her.>>

Great!

>>One girl is seeking her out .Molly is hesitant but we are working
on trying one visit and seeing how it goes. I am helping her with
wording to make the call.>>

I still make the phone calls for both of my kids when they ask or
need me to. Sometimes that's needed to get the ball rolling.

Good luck!

Life is good.
~Mary



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