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Last night was an unbelievable night. My 10yo daughter Megan accidentally put
her hand on a stove burner that had been cooling down after being very hot
for a period of time. Dh thought she was fine, and just wanted her to go to
bed. We tried that. She said her fingers were hurting worse and turning
white.

We ended up in the ER all night treating second-degree burns on her left
hand, three of her fingertips. She is glad it is her left and not her right,
she is right handed. But she will have to stop teaching herself chords on the
guitar for a while I think. Dh was tired and he knew we would be in for a
late night, and he'd rather I not make such a fuss. I don't think he believed
it was as bad as it was. But after the conversation we had I am about to talk
about, he wouldn't fight me.

Anyway, my 3yo Ashlyn was visibly upset by my older daughter's pain, before
we tried going to bed. I don't think my dh caught on. She was then playing in
the sandbox on our back screenporch (it was late, she was tired and upset)
and she bit her little 1yo brother. Her daddy immediately grabbed her and
spanked her butt and sent her to the corner.

I then said that is it. No more. From either of us. He was defensive at
first, but I had to talk him through it. I reminded him of a conversation a
few weeks ago he had with Megan, saying that he hates to spank her and
sometimes she just needs her reset button hit. I reminded him that he said
that "Mommy doesn't like spanking, she read all these books when you were a
baby, about time out and other things instead. So it takes a lot for her to
let me spank you." I reminded him of the conversation last week where I said
Ashlyn is already lying, in fear of getting spanked or punished. I think just
knowing Megan gets spanked causes her to be afraid.

I told him that we spanked because we simply didn't know what else to do.
That we have been wrong about a lot of things, like school and obedience and
punishment, and that it won't continue.

I told him that he didn't know the 3yo's personality as well as I did, and
that upset him. I had to rephrase it to I know her temperament differently
than you do. And I never wanted the day to come that she would get spanked,
just like with Megan.

He wasn't in the car the day before when this child, my 3yo cried for 45
minutes that she didn't like my sister (her favorite aunt) anymore because
she didn't like a toy she gave her. Instead of berating her for being a
selfish brat, I let her go on and on until I understood what she was saying.
She meant she thought she liked her, but she must not since she treated her
badly, and she was upset that she acted that way. She felt bad for acting
like she didn't like her, that's why she cried that she didn't like her for
45 minutes.

I spanked Ashlyn once a few weeks ago and immediately hugged her and
apologized. I knew it was wrong. I knew that allowing spanking with Megan to
continue was wrong. I hated it. He thought it was necessary. I made him take
her out of sight of the other kids, it wasn't fair to upset them.

Why I let it continue as long as I did, I'll always regret. Just like I'll
regret forcing her to go to school as long as I did. I still lose my temper
and yell and scold, but it gets better every day. I am not the tyrant I used
to be. I knew being yelled at and verbally berated was wrong and hurtful,
that's how I grew up. But it seemed to be the programmed response in me.

It has taken a lot to change those reflexive behaviors, and a lot to admit
some of it on an email list. But if it can help break the cycle for someone
else or show how much a simple homeschooling method can change lives, I have
nothing to hide.

The fact that my daughter somehow still trusts me, knows that I love her, and
doesn't want to escape me and go to school is more than I can wrap my mind
around. Our family is growing stronger every day, sometimes by trial, but we
help each other get through it. Wow.

Ang


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