Tea Lover Denise

I was downtown Charleston all day yesterday at "Spoleto," an arts
festival, and right now am catching up on the 150+ emails which came in
while I was away from my computer, however I'm going to post this little
note right now while I'm thinking about it.

I'm reading lots of messages from people on this list who mention going
to homeschool support group meetings. For some, they return home feeling
"guilty." I'm also reading messages about how non-homeschool "friends"
and/or family are laying the guilt trip on us or intimidating us (or our
kids) about "school."

I have just made the unschooling choice for my 16yo daughter; pulled her
out of public school about a month ago. I am 44 yrs. old and she is my
youngest. This is all new to me and I'm flying by the seat of my pants,
but I REFUSE to allow ANYONE to pass judgment on a decision I have made
for my family. When I was in my 20's and 30's it MATTERED to me what
other people thought about me ~ my job, my kids' performance, my house,
my husband. Now, in my 40's, I have FINALLY become so comfortable with
myself and who I am (I think the buzz word nowadays is "authentic"),
that I could care less what other people think. I'm telling you, ladies
~ DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN THE COMPARISON TRAP. It's deadly.

I don't belong to a homeschool support group. There is one at our church
which I have been invited to, but everyone there is homeschooling young
ones and they are all using curriculum. They don't even KNOW what
unschooling is. What would they possibly have to offer me that I might
need? I can find all the encouragement or advice I need on this list or
by surfing unschooling website or searching out a bona fide unschooling
group in my area. I think a lot of homeschooling groups are made up of
moms and dads who are there for no other reason than to flaunt their
child's "progress/success." People are SO into that.

Don't associate with people or organizations who are going to tear you
down. Homeschooling is so good and right for the family, that Satan is
going to do everything he can to try and destroy it. Homeschooling is
bringing families together and couples together, and it is a very
personal and private and ~ as Martha Stewart would say ~ It's a good
thing!

Women, go with your instincts with your kids. How dare anyone else ~
family or friend ~ secondguess your decisions/choices for your family. I
realize that they might love and care for you and your kids, but God
gave those children to YOU.

A second message: I agree with the remarks about college. I do have one
daughter who always wanted to go to college and she did and she's got a
great job and she's happy. My husband has been trying to force our 20-yr
old son to go to school ... he just finished his first semester which he
flunked out. $500 wasted (it's a Tech College). I keep trying to tell my
husband that JB just isn't ready for school and he may never be ready
for school, but my husband believes that you have to have a college
degree to get a good job. Hogwash. My niece has a degree in journalism
and has been working as a waitress in a bar for seven years; my
girlfriend's son has a degree in history and the only job he can find is
as a dispatcher with a trucking firm. Duh. I wholeheartedly agree that
the important thing to a fulfilling life is not a job that pays well,
but a job in which one is happy.

I worked outside the home for my church for seven years and was not
necessarily unhappy; but the place where I was REALLY happy was at home.
So I quit in January. I am LOVING being home, even though it is a
sacrifice. It's still the best decision I ever made. Life's just too
short to spend the majority of my time apart from my husband and my kids
and my grandchild.

Ladies ~ do your own thing!

Denise, a Tea Lover in South Carolina
Stop by for a cup of tea ~ http://www.angelfire.com/sc/tealover

Lois Hoover

>From: Tea Lover Denise <jalecroy@...>
>
>I don't belong to a homeschool support group. There is one at our church
>which I have been invited to, but everyone there is homeschooling young
>ones and they are all using curriculum. They don't even KNOW what
>unschooling is.

I just had to tell you about our experiences. My sons left school at the
end of 4th and 6th grades. They wanted badly to meet other hsing youths. So
we tried a couple of support groups in the area.We found one about an hour
away and the boys seemed to make friends quickly, but this year, our second
year home, they found that they had nothing in common with the kids in the
group. the other families did school at home, hsed for religious reasons,
farmed, etc. My children are home for educational reasons, unschool, and
love sports. They continued to attend a few things, but you could see
there was nothing there. So we've decided to just do our own thing from now
on.

> What would they possibly have to offer me that I might
>need? I can find all the encouragement or advice I need on this list or
>by surfing unschooling website or searching out a bona fide unschooling
>group in my area.

Luckily as things usually do work out, there are finally a few new families
hsing in the area, they either are eclectic or at least more relaxed.But
what is more important, the kids are friends, they share interests. Each of
my sons now has one close friend within 5 minutes now. If only there was a
true unschooling group around here.

I think a lot of homeschooling groups are made up of
>moms and dads who are there for no other reason than to flaunt their
>child's "progress/success." People are SO into that.
>
WE did find that with the first group we found, (not the group we
eventually did things with)
>
>A second message: I agree with the remarks about college. I do have one
>daughter who always wanted to go to college and she did and she's got a
>great job and she's happy. My husband has been trying to force our 20-yr
>old son to go to school ... he just finished his first semester which he
>flunked out. $500 wasted (it's a Tech College).

At least it was only $500 it could have been much worse. Good luck
convincing your husband to let him find his own path.

Lois
>>

[email protected]

In a message dated 6/15/99 11:00:05 PM EST, lhoover@... writes:

<< Luckily as things usually do work out, there are finally a few new families
hsing in the area, they either are eclectic or at least more relaxed.But
what is more important, the kids are friends, they share interests. Each of
my sons now has one close friend within 5 minutes now. If only there was a
true unschooling group around here. >>
Lois,
After 5 years and several support groups, I fond that the best thing to do is
to find kids that your kids are compatible with and work from there. Most of
my guys friends go to school, BUT their moms would like to hs them, just
can't afford a one person income. However, they think along the same line as
we do and many times when we are going on field trips, they will take their
kids out of school for the day to go with us. While I would like friends
that do hs, (you are so lucky!) I just have to go with what I get. I think
the support groups are only good for information, not support! I have
friends that range from school at home abbeckaers to unschoolers and
everything in between. Its just that their kids are to young or to old. So,
we find friends at the music school or soccer field. Maybe when we buy a
house, the new neighborhood will have the gift of hsing friends !! Well, I
can dream can't I! ; >
Teresa

A.Y.

I've noticed something interesting about me and our support group.
I seem to need our group less and less. It is nice to have people to
"play" with occasionally, but I shy away from the rest. It gets to be
this obligation, which takes the fun out of all of it. It seems that we
do fine just on our own.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I did just read the latest issue of F.U.N. news, and they had lots of
articles on support groups. There was a Mom who wrote about dropping
out of her support group, and I'm close......
Ann

[email protected]

<< It gets to be this obligation, which takes the fun out of all of it. It
seems that we do fine just on our own.>>

That happens with all kinds of volunteer work, though, which is one reason it
seems that those who DO continue to volunteer get cranky with those who
don't. It happens at church, school support groups, any auxiliary group, La
Leche League, scouting, 4-H--it's not just homeschooling.

I was kinda cranky early on in this list when someone asked why old-timers
would come to get support from new unschoolers. I don't go to my
homeschooling group meeting to get support. I'm sold. I'm confident. I go
because I needed reassurance and help when I was new eight years ago and got
only some little help, sporadically and spottily, and I try to provide the
luxury to new newcomers that they can have some dependable, regular support
and some unschooled kids to see, watch and talk to.

There's a missionary element to all that sort of organization and leadership
of social action and political action and social-work group business. Even
in social clubs, some people go way out of their way to organize the parties
and games and awards things. It's just in some people's nature to be that
way.

It's common in La Leche League for moms to come to the series of four
meetings ad be done. If some of the older members don't keep coming, though,
when will new moms see older babies nursing?

I'm rambling, but I do think it's common, and I think some people do their
community service in other ways than hanging in there and providing
organizational leadership. It does get old.

Sandra

[email protected]

Dearest Ann,
I have had the same experience with homeschool support groups, being
an unschooler. All the hubbub that my support group puts on began to be
unappealing to me and my family. "Not another talent show," "Not another
science fair," "Not another field trip to some boring place," etc., was my
children's cry.
I enjoyed the fellowship MUCH more than did my children. So, after
they stopped being involved, I stayed for a while just to be with other moms.
But their curriculum-pushing became more and more their first line of
discussion and I felt more and more like an outsider. (And in 1982 I had
STARTED the group for my kids to have friends and for me to have fellowship!
Now it's like 1,000 member families or something and has all kinds of by-laws
and stuff, which I NEVER intended! It's also become an exclusively Christian
group - which is fine, but also not the "founding mother's" intention!)
I even was still on the board and a contributing columnist for their
newsletter for a couple of years after my kids quit. During my long illness,
(cancer - bone marrow transplant, chemo, radiation, surgeries,
recovery...)others had completely taken over and made the little friendly
club into something so different.
Slowly I began to pull out of leadership, too. It was hard for me
because this group was my "baby." But, they were so organized, had
non-profit status now, were so exclusivist, had a statement of faith to sign,
dues to pay (gosh, now you can't even GET the newsletter unless you're a
member!), etc.
So...now even though I still am friendly with some of the oldies that
still know me from way back, I don't go to any of their functions anymore. I
still pay for membership just to keep up on what's going on (they don't even
put any info on their webpage), just for "old time's sake," but I really am a
stranger now.
My kids have grown up pretty much, now, as have I. I don't need the
support in homeschooling terms, anymore, but this list seems to fit the bill
for me now. So, you're growing up, now, Ann...you can now be the "advisor."
Love to you, Lynnie

[email protected]

<<others had completely taken over and made the little friendly
club into something so different.>

It's like a commune that incorporates as a little town and then becomes a big
city. That happens to the best of organizations of any sort, and there's a
huge sorrow in it.

I've been in the Society for Creative Anachronism for 22 years. Twenty years
or so I was a corporate officer for four or five years. I was again five
years ago. The changes were just awful. When I talk to people now about how
simple the club was and could be, they look at me like I'm a grandma from
beyond the grave (well not quite THAT bad, but it's getting there. <G>). The
rules books are extensive, and new members just take that for granted.
Things used to be simple and easy and friendly. Now just my household (my
own students and former students who have "graduated" up to other levels, and
their significant others and children and my husband's squires) is larger
than some whole shires, and larger than baronies used to be when I joined
(although of course NOW baronies have to be three times that size and have
twice as many required offices and reports). I don't really love this aspect
of growth. It's fun for people to brag, "OUR group has SIXTY FAMILIES! But
the downside of that is that nobody can KNOW the sixty families.

So don't feel like a failure if your group grows beyond you. It's the mark
of success, but just as with biological organisms, there's growth and death,
and the same goes for social constructs like clubs, fads, businesses based on
something new/current (like video arcades or head shops or tattoo
parlors--they can't ALL stay in business for thirty years when there's a
passing need).

In New Mexico the state homeschooling organization quit publishing the
newsletter and let their phone go. This happened because it was no longer
really used or needed, as information is available elsewhere. That's
success, in a way.

Sandra

A.Y.

I guess what is so strange, is that my kids are only 6, 4 and 3, and I already
feel like I've grown out of our group.
Our group is very unstructured, but is starting to lean that way.
I find it easier and more enjoyable to just invite a family over to dinner or for
the afternoon or something like that, then having to do the whole "group thing".
Ann

> So, you're growing up, now, Ann...you can now be the "advisor."
>

[email protected]

Ann,
I know how you feel. My boys (11&12)enjoy each others company and have no
desire to do any social things with other homeschoolers. So needless to say,
we do almost nothing with them. I'm always joking with them about being the
kids people talk about when the 'S' word is mentioned. Their shy and quiet
and feel uncomfortable around a lot of strangers and I don't have a problem
with it. They'll come around at their own time. They just need time to grow.
serrtana

[email protected]

In a message dated 3/28/01 8:49:45 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< How many of you out there have two homeschooling groups in your area?
One Christian and one non-denominational. Our area has just experienced
that split. I'm somewhat one of the leaders of non-denominational.
>>

When I was looking for a support group in this area I found the same thing
and the split was apparently VERY recent. The person I spoke to at the
Christian support group asked me outright what my religious beliefs entailed
and when I told her I was a Christian she asked me what church and when she
found out I was Catholic, she gave me the number to the non-denominational
support group. I've been a member (of the non-denom. support group) for a
year now and I love the perspectives from the various members. I think I may
have felt a bit out of place in the Christian group as my beliefs don't
totally match theirs. Religion is often a topic at the non-denom. support
grp meetings and everyone is open, supportive of ideas/beliefs, and usually
learining something in the process of the discussions.

Michelle in DE

[email protected]

Hi,
Does anyone here belong to a group that has a board of directors and/or a
list of guidelines/by laws?
If so would you mind sharing what they are and how your group works?

Thanks.

Happy New Year,
Karena


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