Letting go of overcontrol
[email protected]
Hello,
I spent this am reading 3 digests here. I kept thinking how I felt letting go of control. Unsure, failing to parent "right". Very scared of dooming my family. Academic unschooling came very easy, it was the rest of the lifestyle shifts. Rules vs. principles. Respect vs. disrespect, being an ally not an enemy. My biggest issues have been food: healthy vs. unhealthy and TV/computer use and guns/violent play. Well I have come along way and still I blow it. My parental "authority" kicks in and I make bad choices.
From 30 minutes ago. Middle son 6 wakes up, goes straight to his room to tidy. (we had a family meeting last night and mutally decided the house needs more help staying clean and we are trying to all help at least 20 minutes each day). He proudly came out, asked me to see his made bed, play rug, teddy on pillow and Harry Potter 4 sitting on his bed for tonight's stories. He asked for help on a really messy corner.
He then asked if he could watch TV. I said no, not now but tonight would be good. He got mad, that beginning to blow state this kid gets. See I have another agenda. I want to go out to a Native American festival at 11 am. I know this guy. He likes to finish what he starts. I put together the entire meltdown when I want to leave, harried feeling that happens when the TV goes on first thing in the morning. I am trying to have my way. I took a shower and thought about all the stories recently on the topic of control. Hum...I then erased and redid our conversation. Told him about my plan. Told him what time I want to leave. This guy already has cleaned his room, made is own breakfast and now is happily watching part of a video. He has been awake for 30 minutes. He said watching part of a video was OK. Maturity conbined with honesty of my plans.
Riley and Tessa really want to watch TV alot. Every day they want it on. gulp. my deal. I'll finish here and garden some outside. That way my needs will also get met. Tessa will probably join me outside. I hope we make it to the festival. Such issues we bring from our past. So many unnecessary worries stuck in my brain. I thought I was over my overcontrol, yet here it is creeping back into my life. Over the same worries I invented when I started this journey 9 years ago.
I can catch myself a bit sooner now. In the past I would have stuck with my way and we would have had a disrespectful meltdowny day. Yuck.
Mary H. off to the garden while Rudoulf and the misfit toys save Christmas.
I spent this am reading 3 digests here. I kept thinking how I felt letting go of control. Unsure, failing to parent "right". Very scared of dooming my family. Academic unschooling came very easy, it was the rest of the lifestyle shifts. Rules vs. principles. Respect vs. disrespect, being an ally not an enemy. My biggest issues have been food: healthy vs. unhealthy and TV/computer use and guns/violent play. Well I have come along way and still I blow it. My parental "authority" kicks in and I make bad choices.
From 30 minutes ago. Middle son 6 wakes up, goes straight to his room to tidy. (we had a family meeting last night and mutally decided the house needs more help staying clean and we are trying to all help at least 20 minutes each day). He proudly came out, asked me to see his made bed, play rug, teddy on pillow and Harry Potter 4 sitting on his bed for tonight's stories. He asked for help on a really messy corner.
He then asked if he could watch TV. I said no, not now but tonight would be good. He got mad, that beginning to blow state this kid gets. See I have another agenda. I want to go out to a Native American festival at 11 am. I know this guy. He likes to finish what he starts. I put together the entire meltdown when I want to leave, harried feeling that happens when the TV goes on first thing in the morning. I am trying to have my way. I took a shower and thought about all the stories recently on the topic of control. Hum...I then erased and redid our conversation. Told him about my plan. Told him what time I want to leave. This guy already has cleaned his room, made is own breakfast and now is happily watching part of a video. He has been awake for 30 minutes. He said watching part of a video was OK. Maturity conbined with honesty of my plans.
Riley and Tessa really want to watch TV alot. Every day they want it on. gulp. my deal. I'll finish here and garden some outside. That way my needs will also get met. Tessa will probably join me outside. I hope we make it to the festival. Such issues we bring from our past. So many unnecessary worries stuck in my brain. I thought I was over my overcontrol, yet here it is creeping back into my life. Over the same worries I invented when I started this journey 9 years ago.
I can catch myself a bit sooner now. In the past I would have stuck with my way and we would have had a disrespectful meltdowny day. Yuck.
Mary H. off to the garden while Rudoulf and the misfit toys save Christmas.
Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema
>Hooray for YOU!
>I can catch myself a bit sooner now. In the past I would have stuck with
>my way and we would have had a disrespectful meltdowny day. Yuck.
What an amazing feeling that must have been!
I noticed that one of your issues was the whole violence/gunplay thing. Me
too.
I was a mum that didn't allow squirt guns, movies with guns, cops and
robbers games, etc, etc. I'd promised there'd *never* be a gun in my
home! We are a pacifist family, by gum! I didn't even like him picking up
a stick and pretending it was a gun! It's been an evolution, but today's
ds's 14th birthday, and he'll be getting a fairly high-powered pellet gun
to celebrate (complete with targets, shot, protective carrycase,
etc.) He's so sure he'd never get one, that he didn't even ask for it on
his birthday list, even though he talks about them frequently. ...he's
fascinated by guns. Buying that gun marked the breaking of one of my
biggest barriers... we even went to the local shooting range to get safety
and shooting lessons; ds, dd... and me. (and I was GOOD at it!
(grin)) (we all were pretty good, ds the best mark.)
HeidiWD (still pacifist, but a darn good mark at the same time!)
"I prefer a person who will burn the flag and wrap themselves in the
constitution to a person who will burn the constitution and wrap themselves
in the flag" --- Molly Ivins
Sorcha
Guns were a huge issue for me. I told my husband before we were married
that I would divorce him if he ever brought a gun into our home. It
took three or four years of marriage before I said, "You know, if you
brought a gun into the home, I wouldn't actually divorce you." I had a
lump in my throat just saying it.
I'm the one in the family who can't handle violence in movies. One
night my parents were over and they watched one of those Star Wars
movies with my husband and the kids while I stayed down the hall
reading. I watched Lord of the Rings with my husband and it was
excruciating for me. He asked me if I liked it and all I could think to
say was that it certainly had a lot of screaming in it.
But I'm rethinking my stance on children and guns. They should see guns
and know what they are. I mean, those kids who find guns and
accidentally shoot their parents are probably kids who were never told
what guns were and had no idea what would happen. Also, it's harder to
protect children from the reality of violence when there's a war going
on. I could theoretically keep all forms of media that might contain
war information out of our home, but how would my kids feel about that
as adults? Can you imagine being an adult and not knowing you grew up
during a time of war? So I let my older son sit on my lap while I'm
checking the news online and I try to answer his questions as well as I
can. I find that I'm more sensitive about it than he is. He takes it
seriously but doesn't cry afterwards like I do. And he appreciates
knowing what's going on in the world he lives in.
I don't think it's fair to let children grow up not knowing anything
about the world they're going to be living in, and one of the things
this world has is violence. That's the point behind fairy tales - to
let children know, gently, that in addition to sweet old grandmothers,
this world also contains big bad wolves.
Sorcha
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that I would divorce him if he ever brought a gun into our home. It
took three or four years of marriage before I said, "You know, if you
brought a gun into the home, I wouldn't actually divorce you." I had a
lump in my throat just saying it.
I'm the one in the family who can't handle violence in movies. One
night my parents were over and they watched one of those Star Wars
movies with my husband and the kids while I stayed down the hall
reading. I watched Lord of the Rings with my husband and it was
excruciating for me. He asked me if I liked it and all I could think to
say was that it certainly had a lot of screaming in it.
But I'm rethinking my stance on children and guns. They should see guns
and know what they are. I mean, those kids who find guns and
accidentally shoot their parents are probably kids who were never told
what guns were and had no idea what would happen. Also, it's harder to
protect children from the reality of violence when there's a war going
on. I could theoretically keep all forms of media that might contain
war information out of our home, but how would my kids feel about that
as adults? Can you imagine being an adult and not knowing you grew up
during a time of war? So I let my older son sit on my lap while I'm
checking the news online and I try to answer his questions as well as I
can. I find that I'm more sensitive about it than he is. He takes it
seriously but doesn't cry afterwards like I do. And he appreciates
knowing what's going on in the world he lives in.
I don't think it's fair to let children grow up not knowing anything
about the world they're going to be living in, and one of the things
this world has is violence. That's the point behind fairy tales - to
let children know, gently, that in addition to sweet old grandmothers,
this world also contains big bad wolves.
Sorcha
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/31/03 1:17:36 PM Eastern Standard Time,
maryfhickman@... writes:
everyone gets what they want. There is usually compromise on both sides but
everyone is happy in the end. You did a great job with this one.
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
maryfhickman@... writes:
> I then erased and redid our conversation. Told him about my plan. Told himI always try to make it a win-win situation. We talk things out so that
> what time I want to leave. This guy already has cleaned his room, made is
> own breakfast and now is happily watching part of a video. He has been
> awake for 30 minutes. He said watching part of a video was OK. Maturity
> conbined with honesty of my plans.
>
>
everyone gets what they want. There is usually compromise on both sides but
everyone is happy in the end. You did a great job with this one.
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]