Re: Consequences
Manon (Hotmail)
I know this issue as been discussed many times before but will you please bear with me. I have been reading Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Kurcinka and she says that consequences are important. That they should be stated beforehand so that the child knows he is making a choice. Example: if you hit a friend no more inviting friends for two days.
I know many of you feel that the natural consequences are more than enough for example, child feeling bad for hitting friend, friend being angry... Are there any situations were you do have imposed consequences? If so, do you decide with your child?
Thank you,
Manon
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I know many of you feel that the natural consequences are more than enough for example, child feeling bad for hitting friend, friend being angry... Are there any situations were you do have imposed consequences? If so, do you decide with your child?
Thank you,
Manon
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
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[email protected]
In a message dated 3/8/03 6:45:30 PM, manon_brisson@... writes:
<< I know this issue as been discussed many times before but will you please
bear with me. I have been reading Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary
Kurcinka and she says that consequences are important. >>
Well, you chose to read that book. Is it because you have power struggles?
We decided a long long time ago to have discussions instead of power
struggles, and to base what we would "let" our kids do on what was good for
them and what wouldn't hurt them, rather than on arbitrary made-up (or
traditional) rules and times and such.
We made the decision based in large part on watching the kids and families
around us, and seeing that the more rules there were the more struggle there
was, and the more rules there were the less the child and parent felt they
were living together as partners. They were adversaries. We didn't want to
be adversarial.
-=-I know many of you feel that the natural consequences are more than enough
for example, child feeling bad for hitting friend, friend being angry... -=-
Throw in "mom reminds child that hitting isn't good; child thinks about what
mom says."
Somewhere between imposing consequences from a list (however many swats or
hours or minutes of groundedness or time-out or whatever) and pure reliance
on natural consequences (you'll just lose all your friends, that's all; then
you'll learn) there is a vast area of reason, discussion, example,
compassion, speculation, explanation, planning how to avoid similar
situations in the future, of reminding the child that what he does affect HIM
too, affects the good person he wants to be.
-=-Are there any situations were you do have imposed consequences? If so, do
you decide with your child?-=-
Sometimes if Marty can't get quiet late at night I ask him to just go to bed.
But it's not a consequence for a transgression as much as it is a reminder
that staying up needs to involve letting other people sleep. It's the
principle, not the rule. If I'm awake enough to discuss it with him, he must
have woken ME up, at least, and shouldn't have. That's a natural
consequence, when he wakes someone up and they come and tell him about it.
The other night Kirby, Marty and Joey (our squatter-kid who legally lives
about eight blocks away but who is here more than half the time) were
watching a Back to the Future marathon (because Joyce gave us her video set
when she upgraded to DVD--THANKS!) and sometimes those movies get loud. And
Marty got loud too. I was still awake, and sometimes went in to see certain
scenes, and then would go about my other stuff. But at one point Holly
stomped downstairs and told them all to BE QUIET OR GO TO SLEEP. She didn't
see me in here on the computer, so I didn't say anything. I was really
amused, though. And that was some natural consequence. They got quieter.
Sandra
<< I know this issue as been discussed many times before but will you please
bear with me. I have been reading Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary
Kurcinka and she says that consequences are important. >>
Well, you chose to read that book. Is it because you have power struggles?
We decided a long long time ago to have discussions instead of power
struggles, and to base what we would "let" our kids do on what was good for
them and what wouldn't hurt them, rather than on arbitrary made-up (or
traditional) rules and times and such.
We made the decision based in large part on watching the kids and families
around us, and seeing that the more rules there were the more struggle there
was, and the more rules there were the less the child and parent felt they
were living together as partners. They were adversaries. We didn't want to
be adversarial.
-=-I know many of you feel that the natural consequences are more than enough
for example, child feeling bad for hitting friend, friend being angry... -=-
Throw in "mom reminds child that hitting isn't good; child thinks about what
mom says."
Somewhere between imposing consequences from a list (however many swats or
hours or minutes of groundedness or time-out or whatever) and pure reliance
on natural consequences (you'll just lose all your friends, that's all; then
you'll learn) there is a vast area of reason, discussion, example,
compassion, speculation, explanation, planning how to avoid similar
situations in the future, of reminding the child that what he does affect HIM
too, affects the good person he wants to be.
-=-Are there any situations were you do have imposed consequences? If so, do
you decide with your child?-=-
Sometimes if Marty can't get quiet late at night I ask him to just go to bed.
But it's not a consequence for a transgression as much as it is a reminder
that staying up needs to involve letting other people sleep. It's the
principle, not the rule. If I'm awake enough to discuss it with him, he must
have woken ME up, at least, and shouldn't have. That's a natural
consequence, when he wakes someone up and they come and tell him about it.
The other night Kirby, Marty and Joey (our squatter-kid who legally lives
about eight blocks away but who is here more than half the time) were
watching a Back to the Future marathon (because Joyce gave us her video set
when she upgraded to DVD--THANKS!) and sometimes those movies get loud. And
Marty got loud too. I was still awake, and sometimes went in to see certain
scenes, and then would go about my other stuff. But at one point Holly
stomped downstairs and told them all to BE QUIET OR GO TO SLEEP. She didn't
see me in here on the computer, so I didn't say anything. I was really
amused, though. And that was some natural consequence. They got quieter.
Sandra
Manon (Hotmail)
I am reading the book because I really like the author and she has lots of good ideas on how to monitor your emotions and your kids emotions. Like every book, I am taking what I like and discarding the rest. The only time we have power struggles is when we have to go somewhere at a specific time. Sometimes warning him before and letting him choose something to bring and choose what he wears... works but other times nothing does.
--We decided a long long time ago to have discussions instead of power
struggles, and to base what we would "let" our kids do on what was good for
them and what wouldn't hurt them, rather than on arbitrary made-up (or
traditional) rules and times and such.--
I agree with that and I do that too. We have a great relationship and I discuss things with him all the time and at 2 1/2 he understands a lot of things. Some things are hard to explain though. Like when we have to go for supper at my parents and he wants to stay home. I explain to him that grandma prepared a nice supper for us and she will be upset if we don't go but he is upset if we go so it's like telling him her feelings are more important than is. Anyways, I am reading the book for new ideas on how to make transitions easier for him I guess. I don't believe in time-outs either or spanking. I also never threaten or impose consequences, but I just wanted your take on this because it's hard not to question myself sometimes.
Thanks
Manon
--We decided a long long time ago to have discussions instead of power
struggles, and to base what we would "let" our kids do on what was good for
them and what wouldn't hurt them, rather than on arbitrary made-up (or
traditional) rules and times and such.--
I agree with that and I do that too. We have a great relationship and I discuss things with him all the time and at 2 1/2 he understands a lot of things. Some things are hard to explain though. Like when we have to go for supper at my parents and he wants to stay home. I explain to him that grandma prepared a nice supper for us and she will be upset if we don't go but he is upset if we go so it's like telling him her feelings are more important than is. Anyways, I am reading the book for new ideas on how to make transitions easier for him I guess. I don't believe in time-outs either or spanking. I also never threaten or impose consequences, but I just wanted your take on this because it's hard not to question myself sometimes.
Thanks
Manon
----- Original Message -----
From: SandraDodd@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, March 09, 2003 12:11 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: Consequences
In a message dated 3/8/03 6:45:30 PM, manon_brisson@... writes:
<< I know this issue as been discussed many times before but will you please
bear with me. I have been reading Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary
Kurcinka and she says that consequences are important. >>
Well, you chose to read that book. Is it because you have power struggles?
We decided a long long time ago to have discussions instead of power
struggles, and to base what we would "let" our kids do on what was good for
them and what wouldn't hurt them, rather than on arbitrary made-up (or
traditional) rules and times and such.
We made the decision based in large part on watching the kids and families
around us, and seeing that the more rules there were the more struggle there
was, and the more rules there were the less the child and parent felt they
were living together as partners. They were adversaries. We didn't want to
be adversarial.
-=-I know many of you feel that the natural consequences are more than enough
for example, child feeling bad for hitting friend, friend being angry... -=-
Throw in "mom reminds child that hitting isn't good; child thinks about what
mom says."
Somewhere between imposing consequences from a list (however many swats or
hours or minutes of groundedness or time-out or whatever) and pure reliance
on natural consequences (you'll just lose all your friends, that's all; then
you'll learn) there is a vast area of reason, discussion, example,
compassion, speculation, explanation, planning how to avoid similar
situations in the future, of reminding the child that what he does affect HIM
too, affects the good person he wants to be.
-=-Are there any situations were you do have imposed consequences? If so, do
you decide with your child?-=-
Sometimes if Marty can't get quiet late at night I ask him to just go to bed.
But it's not a consequence for a transgression as much as it is a reminder
that staying up needs to involve letting other people sleep. It's the
principle, not the rule. If I'm awake enough to discuss it with him, he must
have woken ME up, at least, and shouldn't have. That's a natural
consequence, when he wakes someone up and they come and tell him about it.
The other night Kirby, Marty and Joey (our squatter-kid who legally lives
about eight blocks away but who is here more than half the time) were
watching a Back to the Future marathon (because Joyce gave us her video set
when she upgraded to DVD--THANKS!) and sometimes those movies get loud. And
Marty got loud too. I was still awake, and sometimes went in to see certain
scenes, and then would go about my other stuff. But at one point Holly
stomped downstairs and told them all to BE QUIET OR GO TO SLEEP. She didn't
see me in here on the computer, so I didn't say anything. I was really
amused, though. And that was some natural consequence. They got quieter.
Sandra
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If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]