Tod and Emily

Hello! My name is Emily, mother to one 18 month old daughter Serenity. We
live in rural Humboldt County in Northern CA and love it! I feel very
committed to be(come)ing an unschooling family--because the public schhols
here are all at least 45mins away and very poor and I had a negative
experience as a child in them, but mostly because it sounds like SUCH fun,
and such a way to be close, and just basically in alignment with all my
deeper beliefs...
Maybe I'm just a worrier, but its amazing how much pressure/disapproval
around home/unschooling I'm already struggling with (from Serenity's
grandparents, a few nearby moms I've made friends with that I are planning
to public school). So my ? is...

How do you stay strong in your beliefs and committment to unschooling in
the face of disapproval?

Do you fear that your chil will someday resent your descision not to put
them in school like "normal" kids? What do you do with that?

I feel worried by this notion that even though I see that unschooling will
be vastly superior to public schooling, is it really ok to make such a big
decision for someone else? I've thought that at age 5 I could have her try a
few days of school and make the choice herself--but what if she wanted to
attend? I would hate that, and worry about her so much? Maybe at age 8 or 10
this would feel like a safer plan to me, but then what do I do about all the
"So, who's your kindergarter teacher"comments from well-meaning people at
age 5?

Perhaps I'm just seeking some moral support...Thank you all for this amazing
list and in advance for any words of wisdom! ;) Emily

Angela

Hi Emily,
I surround myself with people who support me and trust me or opt to be
alone. If someone doesn't think that I know what is best for me and my
family, to heck with them. They can find someone else to torment. I don't
mind honest questions from people who are really trying to understand what
we do and why we do it, but I will not tolerate someone expressing their
dissaproval of unschooling esp. in front of my kids, when they haven't even
researched it.

I don't think my kids will resent being unschooled. I can't imagine it. I
haven't had to face having a child want to go to school. My kids are a lot
like me and my dh and I would be surprised if they wanted to. I would try
very hard to figure out another way to meet whatever need they had that they
felt school would solve, before sending them off. I also think 5 is kind of
young to make that choice. They can't understand all the consequences of
their choice yet.



Angela in Maine-unschooling@...
http://userpages.prexar.com/rickshaw/

"What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say."
Emerson






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[email protected]

In a message dated 2-28-2003 11:37:29 AM Mountain Standard Time,
todandemily@... writes:

> How do you stay strong in your beliefs and commitment to unschooling in
> the face of disapproval?

I allow the *end* to justify the *means* with the nay-sayers. My kids
spend lots of time around their peers, both schooled traditionally or
schooled at home (we've few unschooling friends IRL). I can see *quite
obvious* to me, that my children are not lacking in any area. I have faith,
more faith than I ever thought existed, in my children's desire for knowledge
and in my own ability to have it available to them. Just when I'm down on
myself, i.e., schooled kindergartners reciting a book and calling it reading
when Hannah is more than happy to let me read to her forever ~ maybe I
*should* sit down with 100 Lessons, or go thru this phonics schtuff <retch!>
just so she can *read* ~ poof! she picks up a book and starts to read!! My
kids can talk to you about braintumors, short term memory loss, radiation,
chemotherapy, alternatives to Western medicine, death, adoption ... oh so
many millions of topics their peers have never thought of... Why? because I
*talk* to them. I'm Mrs. Rogers most days ~ I'm inspired by what I see and I
allow them to be too. When my methods are questioned, I always return the
question ~ where are they lacking?? They're great kids, I haven't yet gotten
a satisfactory response from anyone. (I used this for almost every freaky
parenting decision I've made, from no-circ to no vax to extended, on demand
breastfeeding to delaying solids ... unschooling has just confirmed my place
in the family's *Freak Hall of Fame*)
Wow! That was a long response :)

>
> Do you fear that your child will someday resent your decision not to put
> them in school like "normal" kids? What do you do with that?
>
Hannah has asked to go to school. There is *no* way I'm subjecting her
to that situation so young, 6.5. I've inquired about what she *thinks* she's
missing. She first talked of recess. I told her I would happily send her
into the backyard everyday for 15 minutes for compulsory play time. Then I
realized she was just lonely (we just moved here 7 months ago) ... I added
more socialization into our life. I asked about *doing school* does she want
me to sit down with her everyday and have lessons? NO! She likes learning
this way ... it wasn't more than a few days after this initial conversation
that we were driving and she wished that she and Hayden were twins, so they
could do everything together; thanks for not making me go to school mom, I
would really miss my brother and he would miss me. This led to a great
conversation between the three of us about how important it is to have a
loving, trusting family, how lucky we are to have each other and have this
opportunity to be together all the time and learn from each other every day.
Will she resent the decision later? I certainly hope not ... we all have
ideas about what we may or may not have missed out on in our lives, I only
want her sent out into the world *KNOWING* that her mommy did her very best.
Right now, this is the best I know...

diana,
The wackiest widow westriver...
“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule
of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.”
--Frederick Douglass


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[email protected]

> Hello! My name is Emily, mother to one 18 month old daughter
> Serenity.

Welcome Emily, and it's great that you are thinking about this stuff
while your child is so young. I have 3yo and 5yo daughters, and both are
unschooled.


> How do you stay strong in your beliefs and committment to
> unschooling in the face of disapproval?

You be honest with yourself and stick by your convictions. If you are
doing something you don't believe in to pacify your family or friends,
you are doing a great disservice to yourself and your children.

> Do you fear that your chil will someday resent your descision not to
> put them in school like "normal" kids? What do you do with that?

Do you resent your parents for the negative experiences you had while a
child in public school? You do the best you can to love, listen, nurture
and connect with your children. There are always options if you seem some
resentment brewing, and there is nothing I can think of that a child can
get from school that she can't get from a resourceful, caring parent.
Cross that bridge when (if) you get to it.



> I feel worried by this notion that even though I see that
> unschooling will be vastly superior to public schooling, is it really
ok to make >such a big decision for someone else?

If you are enrolling her in school, aren't you also making a big decision
for her?

> I've thought that at age 5 I could have her try a few days of school
and make >the choice herself--but what if she wanted to attend?

I would find out why she wanted to go, and try to fix it so she had the
same experiences, resources, etc. outside of a school setting. I think
you might be assuming that all children *want* to go to school. 5dd
wanted to go to school for one reason. She thought the big yellow school
buses were really cool. My husband bought her a $500 school bus. She has
never expressed the desire again.

> I would hate that, and worry about her so much? Maybe at age
> 8 or 10 this would feel like a safer plan to me, but then what do I do
about
> all the "So, who's your kindergarter teacher"comments from well-meaning

> people at age 5?

When my 5yo daughter is asked these kinds of questions she simply says
"we don't do that". Sometimes people ask more, sometimes they don't. She
is quite comfortable talking to people of all ages. She does not feel
deprived, just different. That is OK. If you feel like you are depriving
your daughter, she will sense that. If you are affording her
opportunities to live, learn, explore, play, love, have fun, and just
*be*, then she will sense that too, and grow and bloom all the more for
it.

Wende

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zenmomma *

Hi Emily and welcome.

>>How do you stay strong in your beliefs and committment to unschooling in
>>the face of disapproval?>>

I know it works. I've seen it happen. I know this is the best life choice
for my family. Instead of listening to naysayers, I decided a long time ago
to turn towards people who have also made the life choices that I have. I
look towards their words of wisdom and encouragement and turn wawy from
those people who really don't know what they're talking about in this
situation.

>>Do you fear that your child will someday resent your descision not to put
>>them in school like "normal" kids? >>

No. My kids don't think of unschooling as something I'm doing to them. They
enjoy our life and feel bad for the kids who have to endure long school
days.

>>I feel worried by this notion that even though I see that unschooling will
>>be vastly superior to public schooling, is it really ok to make such a big
>>decision for someone else?>>

You are making decisions for your child each and every day, the school/no
school decision is no different. Sending her to school would be making a
HUGE decision that would affect her sense of how the world works.

>>I've thought that at age 5 I could have her try a few days of school and
>>make the choice herself>>

I think it would be helpful to stop parenting your 5 year old child and get
back to the joy of your beautiful, delightful 18 month old :o) Who knows
what will happen when she's 5? Really, we just can't live in the future.
Personally, I think that the further you get on this parenting journey, the
easier it will be to become comfortable in your choices. So, by the time
she's 5 you may think it's silly that you even worried about this. You will
have been watching her flourish and learn at home and wonder why you ever
worried that school might be a better choice. Live it, that's the best way
to quiet your fears.

>>but then what do I do about all the "So, who's your kindergarter
>>teacher"comments from well-meaning people at age 5?>>

You are over-thinking this. Eveyone knows about homeschooling these days.
"I'm homeschooled!" Big smile. :o) That's always worked here and usually
develops into an interesting conversation. Wait till your daughter gets a
little older and then handle the comments as they arise. If YOU are
confident, happy and excited in your choice, she will be too.

>>Perhaps I'm just seeking some moral support...>>

Lots of support here and at unschooling.com. :o) Relax.

Life is good.
~Mary

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Pamela Sorooshian

>
>>> How do you stay strong in your beliefs and committment to
>>> unschooling in
>>> the face of disapproval?>>
>>>

Keep your focus on your own children and your life with them and not on
what others think. Listen attentively as long as comments are offered
with good intent - and don't argue - be appreciative of the fact that
these people CARE about your kids and that their concerns really are
honest concerns and that they just do NOT understand unschooling and it
may be too much of a stretch for them so they may not be ABLE to
understand it. Remember that what they are often really saying is that
they are afraid for your kids and that's because they care about them.
(For people who do NOT care about your children, then just dismiss
their comments with a "thanks for the input" kind of comment - I mean,
if they don't CARE about your kids, then why would you care what they
think?)

The naysayers who do love and care for your kids will often come around
eventually - as they get a better sense of what you're really doing -
when they see that your life is rich and full of great learning
experiences, even though it doesn't look like school. You can't really
rush it - they often just have to see it to believe it. So you just
have to be patient and understand that they don't get it.

If you keep your focus on that, the idea that they are not commenting
from a position of knowledge and understanding, then you will be able
to keep your own sense of strength in your decisions. YOU are the one
who read the books and articles and lists and keeps engaging in
self-education on this topic -- until they've done the same kind of
self-education, then you really should be able to just remind yourself
to not be overly concerned with their uninformed (ignorant) opinions.

--pam

Bill and Diane

This idea has made a world of difference for me. I used to worry about
what if's quite a bit, but finally realized I can't make a decision now
for a world that doesn't exist, and that by living now, I'm not negating
the ability to make the decisions that may be required in the future.

:-) Diane

>>>I've thought that at age 5 I could have her try a few days of school and
>>>make the choice herself>>
>>>
>
>I think it would be helpful to stop parenting your 5 year old child and get
>back to the joy of your beautiful, delightful 18 month old :o) Who knows
>what will happen when she's 5? Really, we just can't live in the future.
>Personally, I think that the further you get on this parenting journey, the
>easier it will be to become comfortable in your choices. So, by the time
>she's 5 you may think it's silly that you even worried about this. You will
>have been watching her flourish and learn at home and wonder why you ever
>worried that school might be a better choice. Live it, that's the best way
>to quiet your fears.
>

Tia Leschke

----- Original Message -----
From: Pamela Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:47 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] An Introduction & ?: How to Stay Strong...

Keep my old sig in mind: "What you think of me is none of my business."
Tia

[email protected]

In a message dated 3/2/03 7:27:04 PM Eastern Standard Time, cen46624@...
writes:

> I used to worry about
> what if's quite a bit, but finally realized I can't make a decision now
> for a world that doesn't exist, and that by living now, I'm not negating
> the ability to make the decisions that may be required in the future.
>
>

So true. And by truly believing this you can start to live joyfully with
your children now.
Pam G.


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