gradual change and Modeling
[email protected]
-=-
<<There don't need to be a million rules, just-----what's the word???? (I'm
tired, forgive me!)>>
Principles involving courtesy and respect.
Sandra-=-
That's from a January post I just came to as I was pulling to save the
spanking discussions (good parts, not every word).
Unschooling involves the principle of trusting kids to learn and to make
decisions.
Living with other people without rules involves the principles of courtesy
and respect.
Removing the rules without replacing them with a set of workable and working
principles won't benefit a family.
-=- Instead of one day announcing that *you can now watch
all the TV you want*, we gradually loosened the strings by saying yes if
they *asked* to watch more. (They didn't ask often because they were used to
watching their favorite shows and turning it off.) While occasionally they
will spend the better part of the day watching TV, most of the time they
watch little and often none. -=-
That was from today.
Same at our house, but we were dealing with toddlers. It was healing for me,
after a regulated childhood with punishments and spankings and such, to say
yes.
When Kirby would ask to do something my first response deep inside was to
figure out how to say no, just to keep my own butt at rest. I hated that
first response!! It was a reflection of every lazy-ass cigarette smoking and
beer drinking west Texas mom I had ever seen or been related to when I was
Kirby's age. There was truly a lot of memory-flash of being little when I
had little kids.
There are good and bad points of having vivid emotional memories.
So I would say "NO" to that lazy internal mom-dialog, and yes to Kirby.
Unless there was a real safety consideration or something was impossible, I
would say yes. And even sometimes the safety consideration is just that the
kid can't do the desired thing alone, but needs an adult to hold them, or
hold the scissors, or plug something in, or whatever.
I made it my priority to provide him with a rich and happy life. That turned
into unschooling easily. And it made MY life richer and happier than it
would have been if I'd just sat at a table doing whatever I wanted to do,
telling my kids no, shut up, get out of here, I said no, because I said so.
And even in parents who have never been that way, and never experienced that
(you're lucky if you're not quite believing me that there are moms like
that), another version of all that is saying "eat this now, right here, all
of it; now watch your one half hour of TV; now read the book I chose for you;
now go to sleep." It's sweeter and more socially acceptable, but it's still
a lot of "no" to them doing something different.
Kids probably get more thrill from a mom saying "yes" 100 times and them
gradually figuring out that it's probably going to be yes the next time than
they would get from one big "Yes" all of a sudden.
Sandra
<<There don't need to be a million rules, just-----what's the word???? (I'm
tired, forgive me!)>>
Principles involving courtesy and respect.
Sandra-=-
That's from a January post I just came to as I was pulling to save the
spanking discussions (good parts, not every word).
Unschooling involves the principle of trusting kids to learn and to make
decisions.
Living with other people without rules involves the principles of courtesy
and respect.
Removing the rules without replacing them with a set of workable and working
principles won't benefit a family.
-=- Instead of one day announcing that *you can now watch
all the TV you want*, we gradually loosened the strings by saying yes if
they *asked* to watch more. (They didn't ask often because they were used to
watching their favorite shows and turning it off.) While occasionally they
will spend the better part of the day watching TV, most of the time they
watch little and often none. -=-
That was from today.
Same at our house, but we were dealing with toddlers. It was healing for me,
after a regulated childhood with punishments and spankings and such, to say
yes.
When Kirby would ask to do something my first response deep inside was to
figure out how to say no, just to keep my own butt at rest. I hated that
first response!! It was a reflection of every lazy-ass cigarette smoking and
beer drinking west Texas mom I had ever seen or been related to when I was
Kirby's age. There was truly a lot of memory-flash of being little when I
had little kids.
There are good and bad points of having vivid emotional memories.
So I would say "NO" to that lazy internal mom-dialog, and yes to Kirby.
Unless there was a real safety consideration or something was impossible, I
would say yes. And even sometimes the safety consideration is just that the
kid can't do the desired thing alone, but needs an adult to hold them, or
hold the scissors, or plug something in, or whatever.
I made it my priority to provide him with a rich and happy life. That turned
into unschooling easily. And it made MY life richer and happier than it
would have been if I'd just sat at a table doing whatever I wanted to do,
telling my kids no, shut up, get out of here, I said no, because I said so.
And even in parents who have never been that way, and never experienced that
(you're lucky if you're not quite believing me that there are moms like
that), another version of all that is saying "eat this now, right here, all
of it; now watch your one half hour of TV; now read the book I chose for you;
now go to sleep." It's sweeter and more socially acceptable, but it's still
a lot of "no" to them doing something different.
Kids probably get more thrill from a mom saying "yes" 100 times and them
gradually figuring out that it's probably going to be yes the next time than
they would get from one big "Yes" all of a sudden.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/16/2003 2:25:10 PM Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law---and I witnessed three of them AGAIN
today! :-(
No, because I said so. I said, "NO!" You can have the red cake AFTER you
clean you plate. No, eat every bite! OK, Three more beans, two more hams, and
a spoonful of rice (bigger than the child's MOUTH!). Don't do that. Because I
don't like it. On & on & on & on & on & on & on...
I'm home. My children are happy. And they're happy I'm their mom! <G>
~Kelly
I was "zenning" all day trying to get through without blowing up. I was a
good girl. :-PPPP~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> And even in parents who have never been that way, and never experienced thatI can GUARANTEE there are at least four moms like that---my three
>
> (you're lucky if you're not quite believing me that there are moms like
> that), another version of all that is saying "eat this now, right here, all
>
> of it; now watch your one half hour of TV; now read the book I chose for
> you;
> now go to sleep." It's sweeter and more socially acceptable, but it's
> still
> a lot of "no" to them doing something different.
sisters-in-law and my mother-in-law---and I witnessed three of them AGAIN
today! :-(
No, because I said so. I said, "NO!" You can have the red cake AFTER you
clean you plate. No, eat every bite! OK, Three more beans, two more hams, and
a spoonful of rice (bigger than the child's MOUTH!). Don't do that. Because I
don't like it. On & on & on & on & on & on & on...
I'm home. My children are happy. And they're happy I'm their mom! <G>
~Kelly
I was "zenning" all day trying to get through without blowing up. I was a
good girl. :-PPPP~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]