Julie Bogart <[email protected]>

Another in my series of how to transition from one worldview to
another. :)

The best advice I've rec'd from this list has had to do with being
honest in the process and only changing a practice gradually, as
my husband and I both "believe" in it. That took so much
pressure off of us.

Here's an example.

Our kids do nightly clean up tasks after meals and they do one
household "chore" per week to help keep the house clean.
Neither my husband nor I felt ready to just "ditch" these practices,
even though from reading here I felt that perhaps that ought to be
the goal. Then we stepped back a bit and realized that
because of having these "duties" assigned to our kids, perhaps
we took their help for granted and instead of lifting the duties, we
could begin by offering help, pitching in, complimenting, and
even doing the task for a child on occasion. I had never thought
this way. So instead of saying : "No more jobs!" we've said,
"You're going to a friend's tonight? Let me clean off the counters
for you so you can get ready." Or, "I see you're playing with your
dolls. How about I put out the napkins and you come and add the
forks and knives when you're done."

Or we've said, "You're doing a gorgeous job on those dishes.
Thanks so much for doing them!"

We've also backed off of feeling that the kids "owe" us their help
during the other hours of the day. I no longer say, "Everyone stop
what you're doing. We're going to clean up the living room now."
Now I say, "For my sanity I need this room picked up. Does
anyone want to help me? What's a good time for you?" If no one
wants to help, I do it myself. (So far that has *never* happened.
Lucky me.)

I've also noticed that because I've been far more open about
helping the kids (I used to do it at times, feeling put upon. Now I
offer to help cheerfully and say that I am helping, not doing it
because he/she wouldn't), the kids are so much more
enthusiastic to help me when I ask.

Just this morning, I noticed lots of Capri Sun packages on the
floor and snotty tissues (we have sick kids). I commented, "Wow,
this room is full of Kleenex and wrappers." My 8yo who is the
most resistant to ever lifting a finger chimed in, "Want me to help
you clean them up Mom?" Knock me over with a feather. This is
his first free offer since we began six weeks ago. I was so
touched.

So we still have their basic chores in place since these are
working, but we've changed the context for everything related to
housework and housekeeping. There is more mutuality, support
and freedom than before. I don't know where we'll end up, but
right now, this feels honest for us and both my dh and I can
support it without resentment or internal conflict.

Julie

Angela

Julie,
Your post was great. It shows how you can come to understand a new concept
and make it work for you. You may gradually move on toward not having
assigned chores, but your change in attitude about the chores has obviously
had a positive effect on your children and you. We did a similar thing is
regards to the TV. Instead of one day announcing that *you can now watch
all the TV you want*, we gradually loosened the strings by saying yes if
they *asked* to watch more. (They didn't ask often because they were used to
watching their favorite shows and turning it off.) While occasionally they
will spend the better part of the day watching TV, most of the time they
watch little and often none. They still prefer to play most of the day, not
watch TV, despite the fact that they have the option to watch all day. But I
think if I had just announced one day that they *could watch all the TV they
want*, they would have probably sat down in front of the TV and stayed there
until it drove me crazy.

Angela in Maine-unschooling@...
http://userpages.prexar.com/rickshaw/

"What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say."
Emerson




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