nellebelle

----- snip-----> I'm spending most of my energy and time with him now. Yes,
I pulled the plug and cut him off. I did the regulating. I've struggled
many times with whether that was the right decision, although it wasn't made
lightly. But we're doing a lot more things together. I have a lot less
personal time, a lot less time when he plays alone, and I feel it. It's
tiring, emotionally for me. But it's helping, and that's been
wonderful.>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You feel that what you did worked. But that doesn't mean that pulling the
plug was the ONLY possible solution. What if you had asked him if you could
watch him play or play with him or ask him to explain the game to you?
(maybe you have, I don't know)

I joined this list a few years ago but have often been no mail because I
couldn't keep up. (guess I was self-regulating, huh?). I came back
recently because I felt a need for more support and information on
unschooling. I thought I'd been giving my children freedom in TV and food,
but reading here helped me to realize I wasn't, truly. As a result of
reading these posts, I've been watching more TV with my kids. I personally
don't watch much TV on my own, because I would rather be doing other things.
My husband watches TV every evening, and he loves to have any available
family members cuddling on the couch with him while he's watching. It does
make me uncomfortable to see my kids watching so much TV be I had bought
into reports on TV viewing that are based on kids who spend a lot of time in
school. But over and over, I hear people on this list say that children
with NO limits WILL self regulate. They don't say children with no limits
until the parent can't stand it anymore and must set limits for the child's
benefit. They don't say that children will self regulate within 24 hours.
They say that eventually, children with NO limits WILL self regulate.

Anyway, I could continue to set MY limits on the kids watching TV, or I
could join them, while also continuing to offer other opportunities for
things to do. Joining them has enabled me to discuss what they are viewing
with them. So, I am spending more time with the kids doing what they want
to be doing at the moment, sharing THEIR interest of the moment with them.
And it does impact my "personal time", but if spending time with my kids is
one of my priorities, then what we are doing together should not be as
important as the fact that we are together.

Last night, 7yod was unhappy because she couldn't find anything she wanted
to watch on TV. I could have decided for her that it was time to turn it
off. Instead I spent time with her. I helped her look through the channel
guide. I mentioned that she could do something else instead, but (I hope)
in a way that made that ONE of her options. I asked her questions about
what type of show she wanted to watch - cartoon, animal, real people, etc.
Then, when she did settle on something to watch, I stayed in the room and
folded laundry while watching with her.

So far today, my kids have made valentine's for each other and mom and dad.
This was not my idea or suggestion. They had bought valentine gifts for
each other with their own money, neither one knowing that the other was
doing the same thing. Again, this was not my idea or suggestion. They took
a shower together and both washed their hair. (OK, the hair washing was my
suggestion, but they could have said no and that would've been OK too. I
reminded them how good they had got at washing their own hair in the shower
in Mexico.) The TV was on for a few minutes, but it is off now. They
didn't even watch a complete show. Now they are playing with wooden dolls
that have separate heads and bodies. Jackie got her set out first. Lisa
wanted to play, but Jackie would only let her use the sad faces. They were
starting to get mad at each other, so I stepped in. I said I heard that
Lisa didn't want to play unless she could have a happy face, and that it was
OK for Jackie to choose not to give her a happy face, but it would mean that
Jackie would have to accept playing by herself. (Those weren't my exact
words, but that's the jist). I also reminded them that Lisa also has her
own set of the dolls that are a bit different. They got excited and decided
to play with both sets, sharing and mix-matching the pieces. Things could
have ended differently, but this time, it worked that I stopped what I was
doing to be with them and help them work something out (techniques well
described in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen).

My heart is also lighter about my household chores since reading some
thoughtful posts here. Why will my kids want to do chores if I'm grumbling
about them? I have a certain standard of how I want my house to look. So
I'm working on that, without making it their problem. And they are doing
some tasks without me asking them to. Thanks again to the women on the list
who are taking the time to repeat and repeat. I am not yet where I want to
be, but I am where I am, and it's really good most of the time!

Mary Ellen

Mary Bianco

Mary Ellen I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your post. Thanks so much
for sharing.

Mary B


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