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> << Then he gets upset and angry or sad.. he feels like "nothing
> works for him"  , like everyone and everything is against him.   >>
>
> Maybe it's genetic?
> Maybe if you or his dad are that way he has it either genetically or by
> modelling.

Teresa, has gotten alot of postive
response from this group, and Sandra, you have to come off like this?
I also, have a child with special needs, and with your education, I expected
much more from you. And no, its not always gentic or learned by modeling.

Its very apparent that You have absolutely no clue of parenting a child with
special needs, much less commenting in regards to it.
The best way I have ever seen or practiced changing children's behavior is
> for me to be the way I want them to be.
>
> Sandra
This is fantastic approach again from someone
with out a special needs child. But only a fantasy
from a parent with a challenged child.

Thank you Sandra for your kind and wonderful advice.  I will definitely stop
throwing temper tantrums around here.. Gosh, I've broken 5 sewing machines, 3

microwaves,  and 3 mixers in just the past 6 months.. I also wrecked my car
and punched out my window.   I attacked my husband and tried to choke him,
then I kicked him in the groin last night.  I yelled at my kids and called
them no-good fuckers and said they were worthless and they ruined my life. . 

Just a few days ago the bread I was making didnt turn out right so I trashed
the whole god damned oven.  Do  you think, when I couldnt get my on loan lap
top from school   to come on and I smashed it to the floor and stomped on it,

could that have been a bad example?  You know, I never realized how my
behavior could affect my kids .  What an insight.. So, do you think, if I
stop behaving like this, my sons will stop too??   Maybe its worth a try.  
You know, I really thought you didnt like me, how paranoid of me..  I really
need to work on not being so schizo and afraid that folks are against me.  

If it works in Doddville, it MUST work here too.. Thanks again

Yep, it must be nice in Doddville!!








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Fetteroll

on 2/13/03 6:41 PM, encadia@... at encadia@... wrote:

> I also, have a child with special needs, and with your education, I expected
> much more from you. And no, its not always gentic or learned by modeling.

This point has been addressed by others but it's an important point.

Our children are *both* a product of their genes and a product of our
parenting. Having a special need to point to as a cause of behavior should
not stop a parent from being aware of the effect the parent has on the
child. That doesn't mean that perfect parenting turns all children into
perfect children. But it does mean that we are responsible for helping or
hindering them learning how to cope with their needs.

In fact the women people most turn to for advice about special needs
children at Unschooling.com seem to be the *most* self aware of the part
they play in how their children handle life. They are *the* most willing to
examine their own behavior. They are *the* most willing to put their
children's needs first and set aside their own emotional reactions their
children's expressions of their needs.

The problem *isn't* the broken game controlers or the broken chairs or the
broken doors. If a parent sees that as the problem then she *is* part of the
problem. And if that same parent comes here and repeatedly throws adult
temper tantrums when she's asked to examine what part she may be playing in
what's going on at home then she's demonstrating an unwillingness to self
examine.

The problem *is* the child not having an emotional awareness and the skills
to handle strong emotions. If that same parent says:

>> This destructive behavior usually happens so fast, we
>> cant stop it. To "channel" thier aggression elsewhere would require CONSTANT
>> supervision., which seems unreasonable for kids thier age..( and really,
>> impossible)

she's reinforcing barriers between her kids and help she could be providing
for them.

Anyone who has read Sandra's advice for a while knows that Kirby had a big
temper when he was younger. They have also read how she focused on him and
his needs and helped him acquire the skills he needed to help himself.
Here's something she wrote last year:

> Kirby was younger when he had such temper problems, but his dad or I would
> get at his level and say "BREATHE," and we would breathe with him. If he
> refused to breathe to calm down, we'd remind him that if he breathed deeply
> he would feel better. "Get air to your toes. Breathe."
>
> Usually he would. If he couldn't or wouldn't we would carry him away from
> the group and sit with him or put him in a car or in his room, and probably
> stay with him, unless we were losing our tempers too and then we'd just stay
> near.

I've met Anne's and Mary's and Sandra's kids. They are all delightful
people. (The moms too :-) It seems to me that if my child had turned my
house into a "war zone" I wouldn't be so quick to attack advice from people
whose children have or had issues and who are now dealing joyfully with
life. And I might want to *especially* examine the advice that made me mad
because that's a good indication that it's hitting uncomfortably close to
something I'm avoiding examining. Being defensive is a good indication that
we're trying to find some external cause in order to avoid examining what
part we're playing in the situation. It's a lot easier to point the blame
elsewhere. That way we can absolve ourselves of responsibility.

Joyce