Foster kids/adopted kids
Julie Stauffer
Hi Sheila,
My 5 kids were adopted, 3 through the foster system. We had a total of 14
foster kids so the behaviors you describe are very familiar to me. I think
it is important to remember that often these kids are spending so much
energy protecting themselves from perceived threats (like "I love you and
want you to be part of the family") that they don't have the energy left to
learn new behaviors. I believe that stressing kids to "improve" before they
feel safe and have developed a bond is a recipe for disaster.
Marsie came to us at 1 day of age. Her bio mother is retarded and
psychotic. Her bio father is "slow" and abusive. 2 siblings had lived in
our home previously, both were retarded with attachment problems and one was
psychotic. At ages 2 and 3, these kids had to be placed in special
therapeutic residences because they were so destructive and out of control
(sleeping only a couple of hours per night, attacking other kids without any
known provocation, etc.).
At 5 months of age, Marsie still couldn't turn over and just seemed somewhat
"behind". I took her to an "occupational" therapist who gave me the best
advice I've ever been given. She said "Don't worry about dirt or germs with
this kid. Let her do what she needs to do to learn." So Marsie grew older
with ready access to anything she wanted, even the kitchen garbage (we just
washed her good when she was through), even fire ants (she can pick them up
and let them crawl all over her and never gets bit). Marsie is now 6yo and
just smart as a whip. She is learning to read off and on and has been
playing with multiplication stuff the last couple of days. She does have a
temper but rarely completely loses it.
She is so far past where her siblings were at her age. I truly believe it
is because she felt safe and accepted. So as a foster mom, adoptive mom,
unschooling mom and Master's level therapist, I would advise that you work
only on your relationship with your son. Do nothing, absolutely nothing,
that will damage it.
Julie
My 5 kids were adopted, 3 through the foster system. We had a total of 14
foster kids so the behaviors you describe are very familiar to me. I think
it is important to remember that often these kids are spending so much
energy protecting themselves from perceived threats (like "I love you and
want you to be part of the family") that they don't have the energy left to
learn new behaviors. I believe that stressing kids to "improve" before they
feel safe and have developed a bond is a recipe for disaster.
Marsie came to us at 1 day of age. Her bio mother is retarded and
psychotic. Her bio father is "slow" and abusive. 2 siblings had lived in
our home previously, both were retarded with attachment problems and one was
psychotic. At ages 2 and 3, these kids had to be placed in special
therapeutic residences because they were so destructive and out of control
(sleeping only a couple of hours per night, attacking other kids without any
known provocation, etc.).
At 5 months of age, Marsie still couldn't turn over and just seemed somewhat
"behind". I took her to an "occupational" therapist who gave me the best
advice I've ever been given. She said "Don't worry about dirt or germs with
this kid. Let her do what she needs to do to learn." So Marsie grew older
with ready access to anything she wanted, even the kitchen garbage (we just
washed her good when she was through), even fire ants (she can pick them up
and let them crawl all over her and never gets bit). Marsie is now 6yo and
just smart as a whip. She is learning to read off and on and has been
playing with multiplication stuff the last couple of days. She does have a
temper but rarely completely loses it.
She is so far past where her siblings were at her age. I truly believe it
is because she felt safe and accepted. So as a foster mom, adoptive mom,
unschooling mom and Master's level therapist, I would advise that you work
only on your relationship with your son. Do nothing, absolutely nothing,
that will damage it.
Julie