Pam Hartley

>So, I am going to pick one thing that is really
> causing a lot of stress, upset, and emotional turmoil in our home right now.
snip
> Video games. Yes, both of my sons ( 7 and 11) love them.
snip
> Well, Ethan threw the controller on the Xbox within a week of getting it.. I
> bought a new one ( to the suggestion of list members).. He threw it and broke
> it in less than 2 weeks.. We had to wait another 2 weeks to get one .. (
> money and time issues).. So, I bought a new one. He broke it the next day.
> OK.. in the mean time.. I had also bought ANOTHER N64 to help with the
> "sharing" problem. There were a total of 5 controllers for N64.. Now, we're
> down to 1.. Either Ethan or JP broke all of them. They love the action of
> playing the games.. BUT, neither of them can take the frustration of losing
> or not "getting" what they want in the game. They scream, cry, cuss, throw
> things. Hit each other, basically throw INTENSE temper tantrums. I have
> tried to play the games with them..

This last part is simply what I would do. Explain that because the
controllers keep getting broken and you can't afford to keep buying new
ones, that you're going to help them learn to calm down enough not to break
them when they play.

Sit right next to the one playing, and if he looks like he's about to lose
it, be ready to catch the throwing arm. :) Keep the controllers with you
otherwise, and make as much time as you can (and hopefully as your husband
can) to play with them.

>( also, they tend to get
> frustrated with games and I have to continually buy new ( used) ones)..

This is only a problem if it is not affordable and is cutting into other
things the family needs and wants. If this is the case, an allowance for
everyone in the house may help, and if they have enough to buy a game, fine,
if not, time to save up.

> Thier days are rounds of playing, screaming, crying, tantrums. more playing..
> They are NOT interested in anything else.. I have to MAKE.. yes.. MAKE,
> physically pick up or manuever them to go out with me. Its not a good idea
> to leave a 7 and 11 yo at home alone and its not fair for the Anna and I to
> stay home all the time.. I try to do most of my "outside" stuff when my
> oldest son gets home or my husband so they boys can stay.. But, I cant do it
> ALL after 3:00.. Anna wants to go to band, the library, other homeschool
> activites. Its a BIG TIME "struggle" ( and thats a mild word) to get them
> to stop playing video games for anything..

This has little to do with the specifics of video games and much to do with
the frustration in any family over scheduling. We are lucky that my husband
and I both work at home, so when Brit wants to go with me on errands and
Mikey does not, it's very easy to leave Mikey at home with Dad. If we did
not have that, we would have to work out compromises.

One compromise might be hand-held games for the boys they can take with them
(once they've gotten beyond the throwing things stage, perhaps). The library
is probably open after 3 p.m. some days? If Anna can be dropped off with
another Mom at some activities (or, better yet, picked up by another Mom at
your door) you can ask for that kind of help and can stay more often where
the boys want to be. In any family, these things will be a balancing act at
some points.

> You know, if they were happily
> playing, loving every minute of it.. at least I could understand why they
> dont want to stop to go somewhere ( thats the only time I make them stop..
> not to eat, sleep or "anything" else) But they are NOT happy at least half
> the time they are playing.. They are mad, angry, flailing about throwing
> tantrums, breaking stuff, fighting each other. WHAT THE HELL IS FUN ABOUT
> THAT??? Or.. what is being "learned"?? Its nothing but a terriblly
> exhaustive stress on me and them and thier sibs.

Do they never have any kind of tantrums or fighting ever except over video
games? Ever? I am pretty sure the answer is that they have trouble with
impulse control (not necessarily surprising in a couple of boys of their
ages, though not universal) and that you're just seeing more of it with
video games -- perhaps because you don't like video game playing, perhaps
because since that's their main activity at the moment it would naturally be
where you would see it, perhaps because it's new and very important to them
their emotions run higher there than anywhere.

But as for what they are learning: they are learning how to handle
frustration. If you leave them to their own devices, they will learn poorly
(learning to throw the controls, learning to brangle with each other). If
you are right there to protect property and life and limb, to prevent them
from assaulting each other or the game itself, they can learn (perhaps not a
quickly as you'd like) how to be more controlled in their behavior.

It might also help to have you and your husband start playing the games they
like. You will play badly <g>. There's no helping that, the only way to play
as well as they do will be to play as often as they do, which will probably
not happen. Ask for their help. If you get to a stuck point where they've
already succeeded and they can take the controls and show you what to do,
all the better.

Pam