zenmomma *

>>OK. . now what? >>

::BREATHE::

Take a few deep cleansing breaths and try to experience only this moment.
Try to focus your energy on calming yourself and letting the answer to this
problem present itself to you. I have just had an especially challenging
couple of weeks with my dd, and so I understand how difficult is is to let
go of the emotion and frustration surrounding what's going on. But it can be
done and once you do, your mind will open up to a different way, a different
path to take.

>>I really think that it's helpful for folks to talk about thier real life
>>challanges and to see that they are NOT alone in facing them. >>

You are definitely NOT alone. :o) We all have our moments and so do our
kids. Moments pass. Remember that.

>>My 11 yo is ADHD, and he probably has several other " disablities" that
>>have never been diagnosed officially. I know he has a lot of traits of
>>central processing deficits. He can be very aggressive.. emotionally
>>distraught, mood swings, depressed, introverted, low self esteem.>>

He probably also has some really wonderful, endearing, and creative
qualities too though, right? I try not to be a label junkie, but I do accept
that it's sometimes helpful as a shorthand description of what a family is
dealing with. I like to be mindful though to always keep my kids' wonderful,
true selves as my conscious and subconscious picture of them. Their
challenges are just that, challenges. They do not tell anything about Who
They Are.

Is there any history of clinical depression in your family BTW? We have
strong family history and my son got hit with it badly at about age 11. This
just might be something to consider along with everything else.

As far as the video games and tantrums go, I think I would try talking to
him when he's not playing or frustrated. (If he'll talk that is.) It's
easier to get to the bottom of a frustration when they're not right in the
middle of it. You may have tried this, but it never hurts to try again. Or
try talking about frustration in general. Talk about how it's okay to get
frustrated. It's okay to want to yell or hit something. But it's not okay to
to hurt each other or break things that belong to the family. Maybe give
him a punching bag or trampoline to work out some of those urges. Don't try
to stop them, channel them.

>>There were a total of 5 controllers for N64.. Now, we're down to 1..
>>Either Ethan or JP broke all of them.>>

Personally, I wouldn't keep replacing them forever. He has no incentive then
to try a different method of displaying his anger. And anyway, it's just too
expensive. I'm honest with my kids about how much we make and have and how
much we can spend on things. If the money's not there, it's not there.

>>They scream, cry, cuss, throw things. Hit each other, basically throw
>>INTENSE temper tantrums.>>

Well, tantrums happen. Some people are hard wired to naturally calm
themselves and deal with frustration. Others have to work at it. Venting, to
me, is okay. Hitting, breaking things or hurting each other is not.

>>I have to MAKE.. yes.. MAKE, physically pick up or manuever them to go out
>>with me. Its not a good idea to leave a 7 and 11 yo at home alone and its
>>not fair for the Anna and I to stay home all the time.>>

I understand. Do they generally have trouble with transitions? Casey (my 9yo
dd) has a LOT of trouble transitioning to anything. Even things she loves. I
need to make sure to give her lots of warning ahead of time and many gentle
reminders of what's coming. I'll bring her her food if she needs to eat
before we go and help her with her socks if she needs me to. My announcement
of "It's time to go" is usually way ahead of the last minute. I give her
time to get used to the idea. When it's not an option to stay home doing
what she's doing (if Conor needs to be somewhere) then it's not an option
and she has to go. She does know, however, that I always try to arrange it
so that there is an option for her not to go out if she doesn't want to.

>>WHAT THE HELL IS FUN ABOUT THAT??? Or.. what is being "learned"?? Its
>>nothing but a terriblly exhaustive stress on me and them and thier sibs.
>> >>

It's all such a puzzle isn't it? There's obviously something compelling that
keeps drawing them back to this situation. Maybe some talking in their
downtime, maybe right before bed, will give you some insight into what they
getting from all this.

<<I came in.. and asked what was wrong.. He screamed. "IM NOT TELLING YOU"
Ok.. well, how can I help if I dont know what is wrong.. ?!?!?! >>

Oh this is so frustrating, isn't it?! Casey has a hard time telling me
what's wrong too. It's like she just can't let go of it. I really don't know
why she shuts down like this, I just know that she does. So I try to work
with what I do know and what will seem to calm the situation a bit. As
parents, we just have to work with what is, and not spend our energies
worrying about what isn't. Try saying...My child is upset and frustrated and
out of control. I need to help him calm himself. I need to protect my other
children so he doesn't lash out at them. I need to remain calm.

>>JP screamed and yelled at me for 20 more minutes or so.>>

It's okay to tell him that it NOT okay to treat you this way. If you aren't
screaming at him, then he should not be screaming at you. It's okay to
respect yourslef and state your boundaries.

>>I tried to calm him down too.. Soothe him.. explain to him that the N64 is
>>"not fun" if its causing this kind of conflict.>>

The soothing and calming is good. The talk about the N64 would probably be
better received if it was removed from the situation. Keep it for that
nighttime, gentle, casual talk.

Tell yourself again what is wonderful about your kids. It will make dealing
with this difficult situation a little easier.

Life is good.

~Mary




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