Alan & Brenda Leonard

> So, did I mess up?

If you're using "I" statements (I am tierd, I am grumpy, I am frustrated),
you're right. You have the right to feel that way. No one can take away
that right. They can tell you that they didn't MEAN for you to feel that
way until the cows come home, but if you feel it, you do.

I've always believed it's fair to give specific examples, too. This is what
happened, that is what happened. Just the facts, ma'am.

What's unfair is telling people "you make me feel (blank)" or "you ALWAYS do
(blank)". It's not true, and you know that, really.

What happened today? You lost it. So? Your kids saw a grown up lose it,
speak reasonably about why they're losing it, and behave like a grown up
should. You didn't smack anybody around. You didn't tell them they're
rotton horrible brats who never should have been born. You didn't scream
and rant for hours, break things, get drunk, or any number of other idiotic
things people do when mad.

In short, they saw a mature woman lose it, live through it, and pull herself
together again. Sounds to me like you're doing pretty well, honestly.

brenda

Mary Bianco

The one thing I'm wondering about is the "always" part when you were talking
to your son. Don't remember the exact wording now but as in you always have
to then whatever it was. I'm sure it's not always and saying so makes the
kid kind of feel like he needs to live up to that expectation. Not a good
thing. I've done it too. Just a wrong choice of words. Made my daugher feel
real bad. Felt awful afterwards myself. I certainly didn't mean "always".

I'm sure most of us lose it from time to time, especially with younger kids
and more than a few. It's okay to have a meltdown and let them know. It's
the way we go about it that might come about better. I had a hard time
reading your post as in getting through it and I'm wondering how the kids
felt listening to it all. Seems like some tension was there long before the
actual "Let me tell you what's going on with me" talk. I'm wondering how
much of it all they really listened to. When I feel like that, I walk away
before the tone comes out and before the voice starts to get louder. Then I
come back when I'm easier to be around. Why would my kids want me to be
around and listen when I'm like that? Going off to Walmart isn't that
important that it couldn't wait a few minutes to straighten feelings out.
Then everyone leaves on a good not in the car. The car can be such a nice
place for all to be, why make it stressed? Everyone is pretty much a captive
audience anyway, make it so they want to be there!!

Mary B




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Fetteroll

on 1/30/03 5:58 PM, Alan & Brenda Leonard at abtleo@... wrote:

> What's unfair is telling people "you make me feel (blank)"

That needs repeating! It's really important in getting to that new way of
seeing things: ownership of feelings. No one came make us feel something.
Even if someone calls us nasty names, we're hearing the words and choosing
to believe what they think of us is important.

Joyce