NMades

Hi,
I'm Nancy, 35 yr. old mom to Joshua, 7, and Hannah, 5. The kids are still
in school, but my dh and I are inching our way closer to bringing them
home. The trouble is I can not come clean about this to my mother. I mean,
we homeschooled Joshua for part of Kindergarten and she informed me that I
was a #*%$#*! nutcase who was destroying my children's lives. Joshua has
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and so do I. So my mother's
reasoning was that homeschool is fine for everyone else, but that I could
never do it. I think if I told her we would unschool, it would push her
right off the deep end (she's so close to it it's not much of a leap).
During the kindergarten attempt, dh was not a supporter, but is now
beginning to accept that school is not the best place for our kids. Okay
so...how/when do I let my mother know we're very seriously considering this
and how do I react to her nutty? It's so neurotic but I'm actually more
afraid of telling her than I am of taking the kids out of school.
Thanks,
Nancy

Lisa Breger

Nancy,

I think the first step is to accept the fact that your mom might always
disagree with your parenting choices. I still get that same feeling of
anxiety when I make a parenting choice I know my father will disagree with.
Even though I am almost 37 years old, I have this innate desire to please
him! I believe many adults never outgrow this. But for me, it came down to
the choice of whether or not I wanted to compromise my beliefs, and my
children's happiness, to please my father. And of course I had to
prioritize. My children won.
When I have to present my parents with a decision I have made, I try to
state what I have to say as succinctly and firmly as possible. The longer I
talk about it and try to explain it, the more nervous I get. My response to
their objections is usually something along the lines of "Thank you for your
opinion, but we have made our decision." Repeat if necessary!
Hope it works out for you!
Lisa
----- Original Message -----
From: NMades <NMades@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, January 17, 2000 1:12 PM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: outing myself


> From: NMades <NMades@...>
>
> Hi,
> I'm Nancy, 35 yr. old mom to Joshua, 7, and Hannah, 5. The kids are still
> in school, but my dh and I are inching our way closer to bringing them
> home. The trouble is I can not come clean about this to my mother. I mean,
> we homeschooled Joshua for part of Kindergarten and she informed me that I
> was a #*%$#*! nutcase who was destroying my children's lives. Joshua has
> Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and so do I. So my mother's
> reasoning was that homeschool is fine for everyone else, but that I could
> never do it. I think if I told her we would unschool, it would push her
> right off the deep end (she's so close to it it's not much of a leap).
> During the kindergarten attempt, dh was not a supporter, but is now
> beginning to accept that school is not the best place for our kids. Okay
> so...how/when do I let my mother know we're very seriously considering
this
> and how do I react to her nutty? It's so neurotic but I'm actually more
> afraid of telling her than I am of taking the kids out of school.
> Thanks,
> Nancy
>
>
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>
>

Lisa Bugg

The trouble is I can not come clean about this to my mother. I mean,
> we homeschooled Joshua for part of Kindergarten and she informed me that I
> It's so neurotic but I'm actually more
> afraid of telling her than I am of taking the kids out of school.
> Thanks,
> Nancy
>
Nancy, do not worry, you are not the first person to be more worried about
their mom than they are about actually homeschooling. And not to sound
melodramatic, but this is truly a large step for you and your own growth.
When we as adults need to take action to protect our children, and bump up
against the control used against us for most of our lives......well... it's
a big hair deal and scary as all get out. Once you *defy*, once you make
this your own decision, a hundred other things will come up. Things you
need to change for the good of your family.

All I can really offer you is that the worst part is THIS part, this
worrying and thinking about what to do. Once you decide to just do it, say
it and live with her reaction, then things begin to settle down.

I'm not the best one to talk about what happens after you take your life
into you own hands and disregard your mother's input. When I drew the line
in the sand and said no more..... my mother quit talking to me. It'll be 9
years this coming March. We always had a difficult relationship and my
mother has some serious problems, well mainly she's just downright hillbilly
mean, but you could make a case for mitigating circumstances.

However you decide to handle her, just know that doing so creates a way for
you to grow and become even more of your own person. It's well worth doing,
no matter how hard it is.

LisaKK

metta

on 1/17/00 1:12 PM, NMades at NMades@... wrote:

> I'm Nancy, 35 yr. old mom to Joshua, 7, and Hannah, 5. The kids are still
> in school, but my dh and I are inching our way closer to bringing them
> home. The trouble is I can not come clean about this to my mother.

Hi Nancy,

The bottom line is that you are your kids' mom (I sound like Dr Laura,
ack!), and your mother isn't. She raised you in the way she thought best,
now it's your turn with your children. If she can't handle that, then I
probably just wouldn't discuss it with her. Smile and change the subject.
You need to do what you feel is best for your children.

How close do you live to her? Can you move? <g>

Some things I did with my mil:

I thanked her for caring about her grandchildren.

I gave her a list of books and other resources she could read. (She hasn't.)

I offered to copy the education codes and send them to her so she could read
them herself (she declined.)

I gave her phone numbers for both inclusive homeschooling organizations in
my state so she could call for more information (to balance out the fact
that she had already called the county education department, and they told
her what we were doing was illegal... sigh) I also gave her a contact for a
homeschooling group in her state and encouraged her to call and ask
questions. I knew somebody in that group who offered to accompany her to a
park day and meet some other homeschoolers. She declined.

It helps that we are 1000 miles apart.
--
Thea <metta@...>

[email protected]

In a message dated 01/17/2000 9:16:14 PM !!!First Boot!!!, NMades@...
writes:

<<
Hi,
I'm Nancy, 35 yr. old mom to Joshua, 7, and Hannah, 5. The kids are still
in school, but my dh and I are inching our way closer to bringing them
home. The trouble is I can not come clean about this to my mother. I mean,
we homeschooled Joshua for part of Kindergarten and she informed me that I
was a #*%$#*! nutcase who was destroying my children's lives. Joshua has
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and so do I. So my mother's
reasoning was that homeschool is fine for everyone else, but that I could
never do it. I think if I told her we would unschool, it would push her
right off the deep end (she's so close to it it's not much of a leap).
During the kindergarten attempt, dh was not a supporter, but is now
beginning to accept that school is not the best place for our kids. Okay
so...how/when do I let my mother know we're very seriously considering this
and how do I react to her nutty? It's so neurotic but I'm actually more
afraid of telling her than I am of taking the kids out of school.
Thanks, >>


Hi Nancy --

My thought is that you have tried the ps system and it has not worked for
you. The way we did it was to do it and then tell Gramma. (MIL,
surprisingly, and school teacher SIL, were both completely for hsing.) Not
that she was as upset as your mother seems to be about the hs possibility.
But she had her very strong doubts. She rarely (if ever) questions my
decisions about my children, but felt compelled to ask her questions (all the
usual ones so I had all the usual answers from this and other lists). After
about an hour on the phone she was satisfied. Now she buys them workbooks
and regular books and art supplies and she started volunteering in the elem
school I went to as a child and I hear a lot of reports about how awful it is
-- she has started buying the teacher supplies, the classes are overcrowded,
in this case, the teacher has been forced back to work (in a 1st grade class
with 28 kids) while recovering from a crushed foot and still in a wheelchair.
She is not 100% (probably about 99%) convinced but has gotten over her
initial fears.

I would say: inform her after fact, brace yourself, prepare answers for the
questions you know she will have, give her time to get used to the idea, send
her lots of good news updates, etc.

Also, you are not obligated to inform anyone (even your mom) about the actual
ins and outs of your hsing day -- if she is more comfortable thinking of
school at home but you plan to evolve to a more un approach, this might not
be the best time to broach that subject.

Also, you could throw her a bone. "You know, Mom, we do wish it had worked
out at the ps. We really did try it. But then X happened and little Wally
was having problems with Y and you know Z has been terrible for him. But,
maybe sometime in the future, we might consider re-entering the system. We
want to keep all of our options open." You don't even have to mean it but it
might give her comfort during the transition period.

Good luck.

Nance

[email protected]

Boy can I relate. My Mom has become quite a supporter of homeschooling,
family bed, long term breastfeeding, but it has taken time. Does your
mother live nearby? I used to cringe when my dd told Gramma on the phone
that "we didn't have school today" as we ventured from homeschooling
kindergarten to unschooling. She still doesn't know exactly how we spend
our days.
Buy her a book about homeschooling. I like David Guterson's book "Family
Matters" as a general introduction to those who are anti-hs. He shares
how his father, an attorney, thinks homeschooling is wrong but defends in
court parents' rights to homeschool.
I also think "adhd" kids can really thrive at home. Ask her to give you
a year and then see what she thinks.
Let her imagine you spend time at the table doing school every day.
Learn some "educationese" about what your kids are doing. (Playing in
the sandbox can be described as geometry)
Or .. just throw it all in her face and risk her disapproval. What is
the worst that could happen?
It seems to me that your real problem is a fear of her disapproval. Have
you read the "Dance of Anger"? This was recommended to me for people who
have trouble letting their parents see who they really are. Remember to
use "I messages".
I try to give my mom positive strokes for what I like about the way she
parented me and the fact that everything she did was out of love and what
she thought best based on what she knew then. Sometimes parents can take
it as rejection when we do things differently.
Good luck!
Mary Ellen
The darn trouble with cleaning the house is it gets dirty the next day
anyway,
so skip a week if you have to. The children are the most important
thing.
--Barbara Bush

> so...how/when do I let my mother know we're very seriously
> considering this
> and how do I react to her nutty? It's so neurotic but I'm actually
> more
> afraid of telling her than I am of taking the kids out of school.
> Thanks,
> Nancy

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Lynda

Bury her in paper, books, articles off the net and that great list of
homeschoolers that are famous (anyone have that?? Isn't Supreme Court
Justice Day-O'Connoer or whatever her name is one of them??) and somewhere
there is also, maybe on the list for ADD/ADHD homeschoolers, some real good
info that shows that ADD/ADHD kids go much better in homeschooling than ps
and, in fact, quite frequently there "symptoms" disappear. Also, what ps
doesn't address is different learning styles and I have a kidlet that would
be "labeled" ADHD because she is a wiggle learner (someone on the list
knows the real name for that). She just has to wiggle and there is no way
short of a straight jacket and strapping her down to a gurney that you are
going to keep her in one place. She is 7 and at home she taught herself to
read (reads at 7th grade level) and is doing 3 digit adding and subtracting
(a need she found because she loves her money <g>). This wouldn't have
happened in ps. She would have been labeled and they would have been
screaming for her to be drugged.

I also have 3 kidlets that are ADD/ADHD and believe me they do 100% better
in homeschooling (actually we unschool) than they ever did in ps! AND, no
meds!!!!

Lynda

----------
> From: NMades <NMades@...>
>
> Hi,
> I'm Nancy, 35 yr. old mom to Joshua, 7, and Hannah, 5. The kids are still
> in school, but my dh and I are inching our way closer to bringing them
> home. The trouble is I can not come clean about this to my mother. I
mean,
> we homeschooled Joshua for part of Kindergarten and she informed me that
I
> was a #*%$#*! nutcase who was destroying my children's lives. Joshua has
> Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and so do I. So my mother's
> reasoning was that homeschool is fine for everyone else, but that I could
> never do it. I think if I told her we would unschool, it would push her
> right off the deep end (she's so close to it it's not much of a leap).
> During the kindergarten attempt, dh was not a supporter, but is now
> beginning to accept that school is not the best place for our kids. Okay
> so...how/when do I let my mother know we're very seriously considering
this
> and how do I react to her nutty? It's so neurotic but I'm actually more
> afraid of telling her than I am of taking the kids out of school.
> Thanks,
> Nancy
>
>
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>
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> Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com
>

[email protected]

She is 7 and at home she taught
> herself to
> read (reads at 7th grade level)


How do you know what grade level she is reading at?

Mary Ellen
The darn trouble with cleaning the house is it gets dirty the next day
anyway,
so skip a week if you have to. The children are the most important
thing.
--Barbara Bush

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Lynda

Backs of the books she chooses. If you look at the back where the price
code is there will be a notation on most kids books that says "RL" followed
by a number which can be a decimel. So, if the book says "RL7" that means
the reading level is 7th grade. Also, I have some reading lists from
different school districts and some of her books appear there. I haven't
had her tested, I don't believe in that because testing is just a test of
the kids ability to take a test, IMHO.

Lynda

----------
From: megates@...
>
> She is 7 and at home she taught
> > herself to
> > read (reads at 7th grade level)
>
>
> How do you know what grade level she is reading at?
>
> Mary Ellen
> The darn trouble with cleaning the house is it gets dirty the next day
> anyway,
> so skip a week if you have to. The children are the most important
> thing.
> --Barbara Bush
>
> ________________________________________________________________
> YOU'RE PAYING TOO MUCH FOR THE INTERNET!
> Juno now offers FREE Internet Access!
> Try it today - there's no risk! For your FREE software, visit:
> http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj.
>
> --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ----------------------------
>
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>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
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> Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com
>

Thomas and Nanci Kuykendall

>From: megates@...
>I try to give my mom positive strokes for what I like about the way she
>parented me and the fact that everything she did was out of love and what
>she thought best based on what she knew then. Sometimes parents can take
>it as rejection when we do things differently.
>Good luck!
>Mary Ellen

This is really hard for me. I am still getting over my anger and grief
about issues from my childhood. I have trouble being forgiving enough to
say that my parents did what they did out of love and ignorance. I was 8th
child in my family and you would think they would know better by then. Not
to mention the fact that they underwent fertility tratments to have
children at a late age (late 30s mom and early 40s dad) with my brother and
I, yet they then resented (and told us as much) having children "our age"
at their ages. Sheesh! Obviously we were trophy children for the marriage
and not children wanted from some need to parent. They were already not
parenting the children that they had.

You add to that the fact that my father's first wife of 18 years (and
parent to 4 of my siblings) was a therapist/counselor and my father has a
multiple Master's degree education. My mother had some college but was
definately more ignorant than my father, even though she was the eldest of
7 siblings, the youngest of whom were born when she had a child of her own.
So she knew about children even before she began to have her own. My
father had an innate distrust of counselors, therapist, mental health
professionals, child psychology in general, due to his nasty divorce and
refused to see problems with us or address them as what they were.

I'll ask you all for your opinion on this (just one small example.) If you
have a five year old child who was writing "dark" poetry (I was an early
literate) and writing runaway notes, packing a suitcase with blankie and
teddy and heading to the yard to sit and cry all day, or going on crying
jags after school for hours at a time, hiding under the bed to avoid school
or feining illness, WHAT would you do?

Would you completely ignore the behavior? Would you not even talk to the
child about it? Would you blame the child and punish them for lying? How
can a parent be so blind and so egocentric that they do not even see or
care to address a child with that kind of obvious pain and difficulty? It
still makes me angry and it was just the very beginning. It only got worse
from there.

Nanci K.

Thomas and Nanci Kuykendall

>From: "Lynda" <lurine@...>
I haven't
>had her tested, I don't believe in that because testing is just a test of
>the kids ability to take a test, IMHO.
>
>Lynda

You go Girl! I'll second that!

Nanci K.

[email protected]

Thanks, Lynda!

On Tue, 18 Jan 2000 06:51:29 -0800 "Lynda" <lurine@...> writes:
> From: "Lynda" <lurine@...>
>
> Backs of the books she chooses. If you look at the back where the
> price
> code is there will be a notation on most kids books that says "RL"
> followed
> by a number which can be a decimel. So, if the book says "RL7" that
> means
> the reading level is 7th grade. Also, I have some reading lists from
> different school districts and some of her books appear there. I
> haven't
> had her tested, I don't believe in that because testing is just a
> test of
> the kids ability to take a test, IMHO.
>
> Lynda
>
> ----------
> From: megates@...
> > How do you know what grade level she is reading at?
> >
> > Mary Ellen
________________________________________________________________
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