Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Digest Number 2907
Alan & Brenda Leonard
1/23/03 07:45:
I've read all the posts in the digests so far, and you've gotten lots of
good suggestions. I know that you've made major changes with your family in
the last month or so, and as I recall, that happened as a take the kids out
to breakfast family meeting.
It sounds like perhaps what you need is another family meeting to talk about
how things are going and discuss the respect for each other you find
lacking. Talk about your feeling of chaos, the breaking of things, and so
on. Use those great "I statements" and tell them how you feel. Have them
tell you how they feel, and how you can help each other.
I have boundries. Some of them are personal boundries, such as I cannot
stand being tickled. Other boundries here are family-size boundries. We
don't climb on the sofa. The sofa is new, it's the first piece of nice
livingroom furniture we've ever had. My son understands.
I don't think boundries are wrong, they just need to not be arbitrary. To
me, that means that the boundries don't change based on time of day or
behaviour of child. As far as your stuff getting broken, why is it out
where it can be broken? One of our boundries is that my son is welcome in
my studio if I'm in there, but not if I'm not. I have major investments of
musical instruments in there. The same goes with our bedrooms. Everybodys.
I don't go in Tim's room without him, and he respects my room the same way.
It gives me a space to put things I don't want moved, broken, etc. With a
number of children, I think perhaps that's multiplied. It's certainly fair
for someone (you or anyone else) to say, "I'm sorry, but that's mine and I
would like you to not play with it". Yes?
My 6 year old is suffering from similar forgetfulness as your daughter. I'm
starting to think that it's not that he forgets what I've asked, but that he
doesn't think about that before he starts something that looks fun. When
confronted, he remembers, of course, but he wasn't thinking ahead, so he
forgot to remember, if that makes sense. I think it's an age thing. It
seems to help if I don't lose my cool, but merely tell him that I really do
need him to remember.
I hope that you can
> It has become almost chaos at the house. I can never find my stuff, orI'm sorry about the chaos. I'm sure that gets frustrating to you.
> stuff is broken and we can't afford to replace it, kids not respecting the
> boundaries of anyone, not just me. They do exactly what they want, treat
> people however they want, until I must put limits on them. I don't want to
> but I can't have boundaries being so disrespected.
I've read all the posts in the digests so far, and you've gotten lots of
good suggestions. I know that you've made major changes with your family in
the last month or so, and as I recall, that happened as a take the kids out
to breakfast family meeting.
It sounds like perhaps what you need is another family meeting to talk about
how things are going and discuss the respect for each other you find
lacking. Talk about your feeling of chaos, the breaking of things, and so
on. Use those great "I statements" and tell them how you feel. Have them
tell you how they feel, and how you can help each other.
I have boundries. Some of them are personal boundries, such as I cannot
stand being tickled. Other boundries here are family-size boundries. We
don't climb on the sofa. The sofa is new, it's the first piece of nice
livingroom furniture we've ever had. My son understands.
I don't think boundries are wrong, they just need to not be arbitrary. To
me, that means that the boundries don't change based on time of day or
behaviour of child. As far as your stuff getting broken, why is it out
where it can be broken? One of our boundries is that my son is welcome in
my studio if I'm in there, but not if I'm not. I have major investments of
musical instruments in there. The same goes with our bedrooms. Everybodys.
I don't go in Tim's room without him, and he respects my room the same way.
It gives me a space to put things I don't want moved, broken, etc. With a
number of children, I think perhaps that's multiplied. It's certainly fair
for someone (you or anyone else) to say, "I'm sorry, but that's mine and I
would like you to not play with it". Yes?
My 6 year old is suffering from similar forgetfulness as your daughter. I'm
starting to think that it's not that he forgets what I've asked, but that he
doesn't think about that before he starts something that looks fun. When
confronted, he remembers, of course, but he wasn't thinking ahead, so he
forgot to remember, if that makes sense. I think it's an age thing. It
seems to help if I don't lose my cool, but merely tell him that I really do
need him to remember.
I hope that you can
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/23/03 8:23:08 AM, abtleo@... writes:
<< I don't think boundries are wrong, they just need to not be arbitrary. >>
I agree.
<<To me, that means that the boundries don't change based on time of day or
behaviour of child. >>
That's not arbitrary, that's inconsistent.
Arbitrary means just chosen for a kind of random or unbased reason. Like no
eating after 7:30. Bedtime at 8:30. Toothbrushes lined up in order of
color. Towels folded with edges toward the east.
-=-as I recall, that happened as a take the kids out
to breakfast family meeting.
-=-It sounds like perhaps what you need is another family meeting to talk
about
how things are going and discuss the respect for each other you find
lacking. -=-
This sounds great but please don't make it a "we could go back to the way
things were, missy, if you don't shape up." Because if freedoms are
conditional on kids behaving the same way they did before, then they will
keep acting like it's a temporary holiday soon to be retracted.
Same with unschooling. When a family doesn't commit to natural learning, but
they "try it for a while," and the kids KNOW it's temporary, sometimes it
fails, because the kids fully expect that the curriculum will come back out
at some point, they just don't know when. So they keep on as they did during
breaks from curriculum before. And if the parents reinforce their belief
with threats of same, the break gets longer, but the spectre of the
curriculum doesn't go away.
Sandra
<< I don't think boundries are wrong, they just need to not be arbitrary. >>
I agree.
<<To me, that means that the boundries don't change based on time of day or
behaviour of child. >>
That's not arbitrary, that's inconsistent.
Arbitrary means just chosen for a kind of random or unbased reason. Like no
eating after 7:30. Bedtime at 8:30. Toothbrushes lined up in order of
color. Towels folded with edges toward the east.
-=-as I recall, that happened as a take the kids out
to breakfast family meeting.
-=-It sounds like perhaps what you need is another family meeting to talk
about
how things are going and discuss the respect for each other you find
lacking. -=-
This sounds great but please don't make it a "we could go back to the way
things were, missy, if you don't shape up." Because if freedoms are
conditional on kids behaving the same way they did before, then they will
keep acting like it's a temporary holiday soon to be retracted.
Same with unschooling. When a family doesn't commit to natural learning, but
they "try it for a while," and the kids KNOW it's temporary, sometimes it
fails, because the kids fully expect that the curriculum will come back out
at some point, they just don't know when. So they keep on as they did during
breaks from curriculum before. And if the parents reinforce their belief
with threats of same, the break gets longer, but the spectre of the
curriculum doesn't go away.
Sandra