Thad Martin

The problem is that now she is out of the school system completely her
"best friend" has become very hostile telling her she is a quitter and
destined to work @ McDonalds forever.

i agree with most of what's been said. but the biggest problem i see is that
your daughter's friend has no idea what homeschooling/unschooling is - it most
certainly is not just leaving school and vegging (though your daughter may
need a bit of down time -a debriefing if you will) so she can develop a new
relationship with learning.

many people need time to understand something so new and different.
homeschooling, for some people unfortunately, carries a stigma whether it be
the belief that the homeschoolers are religious fanatics or hippy freaks - in
general ultra non-conformists who don't support society (which the public
school system represents) as a whole. the bottom line, as i see it, is:
things which are different most often create fear, so see this as a great
opportunity to help someone broaden their understanding of homeschooling and
all it has to offer (not only to the individual family but also to society) as
well as their understanding of the world. communities are diverse and
homeschooling is just another example of this diversity. the more people who
can truly enjoy the differences we each have, the better and stronger society
we can build and maintain. good luck and wishes in your transition.

-susan
austin,tx

Jeff & Diane Gwirtz

Susan,

My son has been homeschooled since fifth grade, but he returned
briefly at the beginning of 7th because he wanted to see what middle
school was like. When he decided to leave school, his friend (they've been
friends since they were 3, but this was the first time they've gone
to the same school) was hurt and angry. He lashed out at Kyle
verbally saying many of the same things that were said in the poem.
Middle school is tough and Kyle's friend felt betrayed and abandoned
by his best friend. He didn't have a choice and Kyle did. We tried
to see it from his perspective and at the same time told Kyle that he
didn't have to put up with any verbal abuse from his friend. It took
a little while, but they hung in there together and are still best
friends. Sometimes they still give each other a hard time about who
will end up *dumber* but they've come to some sort of truce that
only they understand. I hope your daughter and her friend are able
to do the same.

Diane in KS

Susan Robinson

Hi all , I do not join in the discussion much as it takes me alot of time
just to read through all my e-mail lists. I am hoping you can give me a
little insight. I took my dd Naomi, out of school last spring (8th grade).
She was taking algebra at the highschool this fall until they changed
teachers. The man could not control the class, much less teach anything so
it was a waste of her time.
The problem is that now she is out of the school system completely her
"best friend" has become very hostile telling her she is a quitter and
destined to work @ McDonalds forever. She sent this poem:


***harder the classes get,the harder i try not to fail,
>one day i know it will all pay off,when i'm wearing my graduating cap and
>vail.
>
>***I once new this girl;we were friends,we shared our makeup and our
>trends.When it came to the holidays we would share,parties ecetra
>i was always there.
>.She must not have cared,oh well.all those things we did
>only meant something to the girl who was there,the girl who cared.***
>
>*** Things were different in the end the girl who i once new as a
>surviver,ended up as a failure.she never wanted to quit,i just don't know
>what went wrong.oh well maybe it was my dreams,i no she had none for
>sure,quiting school is her choice though,to me it's all a blur.***
>
>***One day i thought i would see her,striding to get her diploma.
>but now i guess mine will do,i'll be working proud in the U.S.A,all i will
>look down and see in her hands is her G.P.A.Not quiting school
>some day,i now it will pay.by Jill

My daughter does not want to give up on this girl but she is truly hurt.
Any suggestions?

TIA
Another Susan (WA)

A. Yates

Well, I think when this girls finally grows up, she will see a whole new
perspective. Until then it doesn't sound worth your daughters precious time.
It's really hard emotionally, but time does heal those kinds of hurts.
Ann

Joel Hawthorne

Certainly at least part of the solution might be education ironically enough.
How about a list of all the famous unschoolers, homeschoolers? In addition how
about your daughter telling her friend how hurt and angry she feels?

Worship of high school diplomas is of course common. The whole system is set
up to propagandize how important this is. Of course the school system is
dependent on a web of misrepresentation otherwise parents & children would
leave the system in droves. The idea that the misery will pay off "someday" is
a fundamental piece of the whole myth. Does your daughter know or believe that
it is a myth.

Ignorance is a terrible thing.

Most of all it is a time for you to be closer than ever to your daughter,
listening to her sorrow, fear and anger. You are the anchor in her life. This
is an opportunity for you to reestablish your connection with your daughter.
If she has been in public school much that connection is no doubt weakened
somewhat. The widespread frenzy of peer identification is a challenge to the
attachment between parents and children everywhere.

I hope it works out.

best wishes
Joel

For a wonderful gift possibility and to support a great cause check out:
http://www.naturalchild.com/calendar_pictures.html

All children behave as well as they are treated. The Natural Child
Project http://naturalchild.com/home/

Susan and Theodore

WOW what an intense poem for your daughter to GET!
I think maybe you and her should sit down with the friend and explain what
you are doing your goals etc....It sounds as if your daughters friend feels
like your daughter has deserted her!
Maybe they could talk about plans they could make together outside of school
etc...
maybe the friend is just hurt and trying to do the same to your daughter?
Good Luck
SOSusan...ouch that sounds SO painful!
----- Original Message -----
From: Susan Robinson <garden-inside@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, December 03, 1999 1:06 PM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] Friend problems


> From: Susan Robinson <garden-inside@...>
>
>
> Hi all , I do not join in the discussion much as it takes me alot of time
> just to read through all my e-mail lists. I am hoping you can give me a
> little insight. I took my dd Naomi, out of school last spring (8th grade).
> She was taking algebra at the highschool this fall until they changed
> teachers. The man could not control the class, much less teach anything so
> it was a waste of her time.
> The problem is that now she is out of the school system completely her
> "best friend" has become very hostile telling her she is a quitter and
> destined to work @ McDonalds forever. She sent this poem:
>
>
> ***harder the classes get,the harder i try not to fail,
> >one day i know it will all pay off,when i'm wearing my graduating cap and
> >vail.
> >
> >***I once new this girl;we were friends,we shared our makeup and our
> >trends.When it came to the holidays we would share,parties ecetra
> >i was always there.
> >.She must not have cared,oh well.all those things we did
> >only meant something to the girl who was there,the girl who cared.***
> >
> >*** Things were different in the end the girl who i once new as a
> >surviver,ended up as a failure.she never wanted to quit,i just don't know
> >what went wrong.oh well maybe it was my dreams,i no she had none for
> >sure,quiting school is her choice though,to me it's all a blur.***
> >
> >***One day i thought i would see her,striding to get her diploma.
> >but now i guess mine will do,i'll be working proud in the U.S.A,all i
will
> >look down and see in her hands is her G.P.A.Not quiting school
> >some day,i now it will pay.by Jill
>
> My daughter does not want to give up on this girl but she is truly hurt.
> Any suggestions?
>
> TIA
> Another Susan (WA)
>
> > Message boards, timely articles, a free newsletter and more!
> Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com
>
>

Lynda

Maybe a poem in return that lists the hurt and the famous homeschoolers and
covers hsing as education.

Lynda

----------
> From: Joel Hawthorne <jhawthorne@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Friend problems
> Date: Friday, December 03, 1999 10:40 AM
>
> From: Joel Hawthorne <jhawthorne@...>
>
> Certainly at least part of the solution might be education ironically
enough.
> How about a list of all the famous unschoolers, homeschoolers? In
addition how
> about your daughter telling her friend how hurt and angry she feels?
>
> Worship of high school diplomas is of course common. The whole system is
set
> up to propagandize how important this is. Of course the school system is
> dependent on a web of misrepresentation otherwise parents & children
would
> leave the system in droves. The idea that the misery will pay off
"someday" is
> a fundamental piece of the whole myth. Does your daughter know or
believe that
> it is a myth.
>
> Ignorance is a terrible thing.
>
> Most of all it is a time for you to be closer than ever to your daughter,
> listening to her sorrow, fear and anger. You are the anchor in her life.
This
> is an opportunity for you to reestablish your connection with your
daughter.
> If she has been in public school much that connection is no doubt
weakened
> somewhat. The widespread frenzy of peer identification is a challenge to
the
> attachment between parents and children everywhere.
>
> I hope it works out.
>
> best wishes
> Joel
>
> For a wonderful gift possibility and to support a great cause check out:
> http://www.naturalchild.com/calendar_pictures.html
>
> All children behave as well as they are treated. The Natural Child
> Project http://naturalchild.com/home/
>
> > Message boards, timely articles, a free newsletter and more!
> Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com

[email protected]

Comment #1: Maybe this is a good time to talk about how people sometimes
lash out and act hurtful, even to those they care for, when they are insecure
or jealous or have problems of their own. That whatever this teenager's
angst is about and however unfortunate it is that it is directed at your
daughter, it may actually have very little to do with her. That people (old
and young) often behave poorly. For reasons that are not clear, even to
them, let alone us. That sometimes friendships end. It is often a part of
growing up. Sometimes the parties handle it well. Sometimes not. Overall,
that this tirade has nothing to do with your daughter and everything to do
with an overreaction from the other girl.

Catty Comment #2: One benefit of hsing you might point out to your daughter
is that her grammar and spelling may end up being better than her friend's.
If this is a sample of 8th grade composition these days, it makes me shiver.

Good luck.

Nance

Carolyn Talarr

Hi,

This is maybe going to sound odd, but I get a strange instinct reaction that
the girl who wrote the letter was making a badly-thought-out but
well-intentioned outreach to a friend she thinks has just "quit", as in
"dropped out".

I even get a feeling that her parents might have influenced her to write it,
because it's got that super-ego-y tone to it. I can even envision a talk
with them going something like "Well, dear, if your friend has quit school,
maybe she needs a good friend like you to help her see that it's a really
bad decision and that her future is at stake". (They of course don't get
the idea of home/unschooling.)

After all, the message is no different from what we all hear on t.v. and in
the media, from people who supposedly have our best interest at heart: "Stay
in school. Get a good job. The value of a diploma is $..."
Something along the ideas of an intervention, is what I'm thinking this
unhappy friend was hoping to accomplish.

If your daughter still wants to be friends with the other girl, your
daughter is going to have to be willing to educate her friend, and her
friend is going to have to be willing to be educated. I know from friends
who are HIV positive, just to give an example, that being the spokesperson
for HIV suddenly, to their former friends who desert them when they find
out, is really not worth the energy.

But your daughter might choose differently. It could be a really wonderful
moment to open this friend's worldview.

Sometimes that's too much trouble--but I just wanted to offer an
interpretation that ascribed the best motivations to the friend to offer
your daughter a happier way to understand it. What actions she choose to
take on the basis of that are up to her, but I hope this will help her see
it as less hurtful in intent.

Just my gut feeling about it--
Carolyn

Carol D. Wickwire

Hi all..
Jumping right in here without an intro, (don't worry, I will send it!) It
is apparent that both of these girls are hurting. It sounds like her
friend feels like she has been abandoned. Try inviting her over, or
planning on doing some things after school or on weekends. She probably
feels lost without her bosom buddy.

I would say this is worthwhile unless you feel that this friend is not
good for your daughter. In that case, I would just give your daughter all
the support you can. I was overjoyed to see that all the mixed up kids
who my daughter thought were her friends dropped her like a hot potato
when she came home to school! Yea!

Carol Wickwire <*)))><
Angeli 17, Amber 16, Amanda 14 and Adam 11
Homeschooling For the Glory of God at Oceanside Academy
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/Florida-homeschool
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the
world, love for the Father is not in him." 1 John 15

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Monica Pleasants Molinar

I haven't read all the posts on this topic, so someone else may have already
mentioned it...

Sometimes, out of jealousy, we "lash out" at those whom we profess to care
about. Perhaps your daughter's friend is thinking (unconsiously?) that she
too, would like to homeschool... since she can't, her "defense mechanism"
may have kicked in, and responded to the situation in this way. Perhaps the
friend is feeling abandonded... "I'll never get to see you..." etc. Are you
friendly with the girl's parents? Perhaps a discussion with them (with or
without the daughters present) could help ease the tension.

Nothing related to homeschooling.. but as one who was severely hurt by
"friends" in high school.. time does in fact heal, but never erases. I
applaud your desire to help your daughter, recognizing that she has been
hurt, rather than simply "blowing it off". You obviously love her very
much. I hope it all works out well in the end.

Monica Molinar

John O. Andersen

> Worship of high school diplomas is of course common. The whole system is
set
> up to propagandize how important this is. Of course the school system is
> dependent on a web of misrepresentation otherwise parents & children would
> leave the system in droves. The idea that the misery will pay off
"someday" is
> a fundamental piece of the whole myth. Does your daughter know or believe
that
> it is a myth.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. My sentiments exactly. What sticks in my
craw is this sterile success formula--stay in school, graduate, go to
college, get a job, yada yada yada--which so few people ever question.
Following that path without listening to your heart or discovering yourself
in the process is nothing more than following someone else's script.

"Think for yourself" is my motto. If the good Lord didn't want us to think,
then why did he give each of us a brain?

John Andersen
http://members.xoom.com/joandersen

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/3/99 5:10:09 PM Eastern Standard Time, jagwirtz@...
writes:

<< Sometimes they still give each other a hard time about who
will end up *dumber* >>

Soon after my son quit school to take his GED he went to a party and a
couple of his "friends" hollered out, "Look, here comes the drop out". That
really hurt his feelings. School was not a good place for my son, the others
had had a much better time, football players, etc.

Laura

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/3/99 7:08:46 PM Eastern Standard Time,
andersen@... writes:

<< Thank you, thank you, thank you. My sentiments exactly. What sticks in my
craw is this sterile success formula--stay in school, graduate, go to
college, get a job, yada yada yada--which so few people ever question. >>


My sentiments also. I had to sit and listen the other evening while my
dh's family
all discussed how well all of their children are doing in school. My kids
have never thrived in school. My 3 oldest all quit and took the GED test (and
passed). No one asked me anything about my kids. It is really the strangest
thing, as though we don't exist as learning people because we choose to be
outside the system.
They do not criticize me but none of them really understand hsing.

Laura

[email protected]

I remember all too well how much my friends meant to me and others as
teenagers. My sister had a best friend through the junior high and high
school years who was rather dominating and I felt like this letter reminded
me of that girl. My sister let the girl be the dominant one in the
friendship but it finally ended because my sister decided to go to college
and this girl felt that it was wrong. There were religious issues involved
and the girl felt that my sister was not a true Christian because she was
choosing the things of the world by taking some classes at the community
college. (My sister had become interested in psychology.) It ended up
really hurting my sister a lot and it took her many years before she was able
to trust enough again to have close friends.
It seems to me that if a person isn't willing to believe in you for who
you are and is going to use her friendship as a leverage when you aren't
doing what she thinks you should do, you're probably a lot better off without
the friendship. However, teens may not be able to see this and sometimes
have to learn on their own, painfully, unfortunately.
Of course, I may be totally wrong about this girl because I don't know
the situation at all. I hope they are able to mend it. As your daughter
continues learning at home, she will probably be much more independently
minded than many of us were as teens and therefore able to choose friendships
which are positive for her.

Lucy in Calif.

Lynda

Yeh know, remembering that age, maybe, just maybe, part of the problem is
jealousy. Like wishing she could, wishing her parents would let her,
wishing her parents cared (it would be caring in her eyes but hey, in mine
too) enough about her to spend that much time with/for her. Girls are a
very catty, jealous bunch at that age in ps!

Lynda

----------
From: "Carol D. Wickwire" <poki4@...>
>
> Hi all..
> Jumping right in here without an intro, (don't worry, I will send it!) It
> is apparent that both of these girls are hurting. It sounds like her
> friend feels like she has been abandoned. Try inviting her over, or
> planning on doing some things after school or on weekends. She probably
> feels lost without her bosom buddy.
>
> I would say this is worthwhile unless you feel that this friend is not
> good for your daughter. In that case, I would just give your daughter all
> the support you can. I was overjoyed to see that all the mixed up kids
> who my daughter thought were her friends dropped her like a hot potato
> when she came home to school! Yea!
>
> Carol Wickwire <*)))><

Thomas and Nanci Kuykendall

At 10:46 AM 12/03/1999 -0800, you wrote:
>From: "Lynda" <lurine@...>
>
>Maybe a poem in return that lists the hurt and the famous homeschoolers and
>covers hsing as education.
>
>Lynda

ooooo Lynda you have a devious mind! What a great idea!

Nanci K.

[email protected]

>>It is really the strangest thing, as though we don't exist as learning
people because we choose to be outside the system. They do not
criticize me but none of them really understand hsing.>>>

I'm sorry, I used to be one of those. I thought hsing was a bit
interesting, but mostly thought the people who actually did it were just
weird!
Mary Ellen
Seek joy in what you give, not in what you get.

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Debra Bures

>From: megates@...
>
>I'm sorry, I used to be one of those. I thought hsing was a bit
>interesting, but mostly thought the people who actually did it were just
>weird!
I have a friend who told me that she thought that all home schoolers were
"bunch of religious fanatics and/or hippies living in buses at the side of
the road". We've talked at length that we are folks like you and me who
have made a particular choice. I really feel that whatever our choices are,
most of us just want this to be ok for our kids
Debra